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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My 18 year old headbutted my OH and he chucked him out

202 replies

Spudsey · 08/02/2019 12:12

My 18 year old son was sick in his sleep all over the bedroom floor, after drinking excessively. My OH asked him to clear it up, the situation escalated and my son headbutted him. My other half then told him to leave the house. I was in work when all this happened.
My son knows he was out of order and is willing to apologise. My other half says he’s not welcome in our home unless the apology is good enough. I’m stuck in the middle. My partner and I are hardly speaking.

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 08/02/2019 13:25

what a vicious reaction from so many of you. no wonder the op has not returned.
where is your support?

Springwalk · 08/02/2019 13:25

Head butting is serious grevious bodily harm. Not acceptable at all.
Your DS needs to stay with a family or friends for a few days to let the dust settle. Go and speak to him at length about the seriousness of the assault, and consequences.

I can’t understand why you aren’t speaking to your oh? Surely an apology for your son’s behaviour and assurances that you are dealing with it would be more appropriate? You are lucky he didn’t call the police, this is not your oh’s fault op.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 13:25

pictish is correct. In the eyes of the law an 18 year old is considered a 'young person'. From UK Gov:

'Children between 10 and 17 can be arrested and taken to court if they commit a crime.
They are treated differently from adults and are:
dealt with by youth courts
given different sentences
sent to special secure centres for young people, not adult prisons

Young people aged 18 are treated as an adult by the law.
If they’re sent to prison, they’ll be sent to a place that holds 18 to 25-year-olds, not a full adult prison.'

It's good the recognise the difference I think. Maybe OP should make sure that her son knows how the law would view his actions though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2019 13:26

Alexa
I don’t read that pictish is excusing anything.

AlexaAmbidextra · 08/02/2019 13:26

where is your support?

Probably in the same place as most other posters - with the victim.

MeganJPerry · 08/02/2019 13:28

Hope your DPs head alright!

wireswireswires · 08/02/2019 13:28

assuming he was very drunk when he headbutted your partner, he should be forgiven

So you're saying because he was drunk he's not to be held responsible for his actions? What if it was his 17 year old girlfriend? Should he still be forgiven?

MrsJane · 08/02/2019 13:29

I can't believe how much you are under-reacting to this OP! You are not stuck in the middle, you should be firmly on the side of your OH here. Your 'd's has no right to be headbutting anyone!

What if the situation was reversed? So if your female friend told you her stepson had done the same to her, would that be ok??

You need to have a serious talk with your son and there needs to be firm consequences. Disgusting behaviour.

JenniferJareau · 08/02/2019 13:30

what a vicious reaction from so many of you. no wonder the op has not returned. where is your support?

Support for what? She isn't between a rock and a hard place as she claims, her son has done something dreadful and he needs to fully and properly apologise for it.

Unless there is a huge drip feed coming, I can't see what the issue is.

pictish · 08/02/2019 13:34

I’m not trying to excuse him. I’m simply not jumping in and passing sentence. We have very little background or information to go on here.
None of us know what took place yet.

You can say “there’s no excusing it” and maybe that’s true in an ideal world...but maybe this wasn’t an ideal world. Maybe there was more to it than we know.

Butchyrestingface · 08/02/2019 13:35

It would be nice if OP comes back to clarify/elaborate sometime within the first 10 pages...

CantStopMeNow · 08/02/2019 13:37

You don’t understand why the OP is upset her son has been kicked out of her home?

I can understand why she's upset and she has every right to feel that way.
Doesn't change anything - her ds still needs to man up and sort this out like an ADULT.

If it had been dh headbutting ds OP would be getting told to not let dh return and to put the safety of other family members first above her own personal feelings.

No doubt there's a backstory to dh and ds's relationship dynamic and nobody can minimise or brush it under the carpet anymore.
If this means ds moving out then so be it.

pictish · 08/02/2019 13:37

Mummyoflittledragon thank you. I agree. I have a 17 yr old son myself and he is nothing like a grown man. I don’t foresee a transformation on his 18th birthday. He’s a daft lad and I am doing my very best to guide him.
25 does seem more realistic as an age to claim adulthood.

MrsJane · 08/02/2019 13:38

I don’t care what anyone says to the contrary, 18 is not a ‘grown man’

My 4 yo knows it's wrong to headbutt people.

MrsJane · 08/02/2019 13:40

@Fairenuff

I suspect the OP hasn't come back because she doesn't like the responses.

DeaflySilence · 08/02/2019 13:42

"My son knows he was out of order and is willing to apologise"

Willing? That is a strange choice of word, @Spudsey.

It suggests to me that this is something your son would do if it was going to produce the desired effect, i.e. that he would be allowed to stay.

If he were truly sorry he would be apologising profusely, and trying to make amends to you both, whether he was allowed to stay or not.

Unless there is a significant back story here, then I think the onus is entirely upon him to put things right in every way he can.

Does he generally have a drink problem? It seems he does have anger and self-control issues. What is he doing about these? What is he going to do to make amends?

Iggly · 08/02/2019 13:42

How did it go from “clean this up” to head butting????? That’s quite an escalation.

I would want to know what before casting judgement.

HoraceCope · 08/02/2019 13:42

Op where is ds extended family? His dad? Have you been with your partner long?

pictish · 08/02/2019 13:43

Let’s hope your four year old never does a stupid, cruel, dangerous, violent, ill-thought out, spontaneous or self destructive thing in the next 14 years then.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/02/2019 13:46

Your son is "willing" to apologise - that's big of him!! Very telling OP, it insinuates that you agree with your DS. He's your son, I get that but your OP has every right to feel safe in his own home and not be assaulted by his partners child because he asked him to do something that he had every right to expect.

It's a difficult situation for you, but I don't understand why you and your OH are hardly talking, your son was well out of order and the fact that your partner is willing to let him back in shows that at least he understands it's hard for you.

Mysterian · 08/02/2019 13:48

I think part of your OH's request should be your son giving up alcohol.

MrsJane · 08/02/2019 13:49

Ha! You're missing the point @pictish

If he did, I'd expect him to apologise profusely and be accountable for his actions, regardless of his age.

TheInnerVoice · 08/02/2019 13:54

My parents were living in another country, had two children and a mortgage by the time they were 23. But let’s consider 25 to be an adult now shall we?

No, perhaps eighteen is not mature, but it’s an adult. He can drink, drive a car, vote, buy alcohol, get married, take out a credit card, but apparently adulthood goes out of the window the instant he breaks the law.

If he’d slept with a girl and she’d later accused him of rape no-one would be saying that he was young and should be forgiven if he was really drunk.

If he got a girl pregnant and insisted she have an abortion no-one would be saying that he’s young and shouldn’t have to be responsible for a child, they’d be saying if he didn’t want a child he should have been responsible for contraception and now he should be responsible for maintenance for the rest of his life.

If he’d assaulted anyone else in a pub, at a football ground, in the street no-one would be excusing that on the basis of his age.

But because he was at home and asked to clean up his own vomit and his victim has reacted by telling him to get out he’s still a child and his victim must have provoked him somehow, and nobody can comment because they don’t know the back story? Okayyyy.

HoraceCope · 08/02/2019 13:55

All ifs and buts and what abouts

not relevant really

Belenus · 08/02/2019 13:56

Is it not the case that abusers can and will goad someone into violence to put them in the wrong? I know a very petite, normally gentle woman who is currently up on an assault charge because her very, very manipulative exH goaded her into assaulting him.

So whilst yes it may be the case that this young person is utterly in the wrong, there is a chance that there is a back story here. It just sounds to me as if it might be the case that the stepfather (assuming that's what he is) was metaphorically locking horns and then literally got headbutted. I can just see a situation in which a male partner has an intense dislike of another young adult male. I don't think reversing genders really works in this situation.