My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

Maybe he thought you would be fine with it.

I mean this kindly but maybe you should move out and move on to someone who is at the same stage of life as you with more modern ideas about equality. I worked in Demark for a little while. There seemed to be no shortage of decent men of about your age. Nice place to live is Denmark.

@MorningsEleven

Jesus Christ, are you serious?
Of course I am! I am not obligated to take care of someone’s adult child!
As he would not like me moving my mother with us and would probably leave, I have my rights of doing the same, especially that he didn’t even freakin’ tell me!

He is a damn adult, I can’t even have sex in my own damn house or talk about my problems because someone is constantly listening in! I am not super uber close to his children and will most likely never share the same feelings he has for them and I see that normal! If you don’t.. then your idea of the world is totally wrong!

If you moved out would he buy you out?

@Milliy

You are right. We have different views upon thins. Especially that he is used to doing everything around his kids and I am not. (And this is what he seemed to miss)
I want our old relationship back when we had the freedom to enjoy eachother.. which I obviously will not get for the next 1.5 years while his kid is still in school/an intern.
I have been considering leaving for a while anyway..

@TowelNumber42

He most likely would, since he even said that maybe it was best he bought the house on his own so he can do whatever he wanted. (I know he was pissed when he said it, but he still did)

OP, from his behaviour so far, I’d imagine you’ll be doing ALL the night feeds, baby care, house work etc. Especially when you’re on maternity leave.

Well if the son doesn't tidy up and clean, he still has his ever loving father to do it for him.

I think you jumped the gun buying a house with this man, OP. You have jump known him for two years and you are starting to find out a bit about his attitude to women.

He is not a total ass.. he does respect me and care and treat me well.
It is just this simple subject that we fail to be on the same page on.
He said that his children will always come first and that there should be no discussions to this.. which of course i understand and told him that i don’t expect that not to happen.. but in this case, he really disconsidered me and my feelings totally!

ChrisS23 I think that relationship has gone. His son will move out but he may need to move back in at some point as may his daughter so the kids will always be a factor. Then in a few years maybe grandchildren. They may be left with your partner for days of weekends. This is what you get with someone with all this baggage. Think about what you want carefully. You may never have the on your own relationship with him again and he is not getting any younger. Not saying he's old (I'm older) but you are at different stages in life and he can't be in your world fully and you are not prepared to be fully in his.

@Milliy

As much as it might hurt and it doesn’t give me a super conforting feeling thinking about it... you might actually be very right!

So, what’s happened here is man and wife divorce/ man buys temporary apartment/ man wants bigger house to accommodate adult children/ man finds mug girlfriend to help him buy next house/ man keeps his plan to himself/ man and son expect maid service from mug girlfriend.

I read six out of nine pages but couldn’t waste any more of my life on it.

To do: find out for sure your legal position regarding the house. Secure your investment, or better still, get your money back.
Then leave him. He sees you as a workhorse, not a life partner.

I think the age difference is a problem, between you and the son that is - the 20 year old is a man of similar age to you but a child to his DF. While he is a student it seems sensible he lives with his DF. But you don't feel comfortable with him around, if you were also 49i doubt you'd have a problem like that but I'm not sure why you seem to do all the housework, that would be annoying at any age.

I am not obligated to take care of someone’s adult child
But no one is making you. If you don't want to do it STOP. it's like the "I took him up to the counter to pick a burger and he assumed I was paying". Treat him like an adult!

Especially that he is used to doing everything around his kids and I am not. (And this is what he seemed to miss)
To be fair OP, you missed it too. What did you think would happen if they needed him? And yes he should have spoken to you before but in reality your earlier comments about "you'd have taken it slowly and got used to him", well you've had 6 months of living with him! You still won't tell him to do the dishes or move his stuff or ask him for some privacy to speak to partner. I don't think you'd have ever been up for DS'S living their most of the time quick enough for a father who puts his son first.

Which is fine. I didn't date a man with kids because I didn't want to be settle fiddle. But if you do you need to deal with it.

I'd take some time to work out what you wsnt
If you force DP to kick son out he'll never forgive you and if you don't you might never forgive him

@SleepingStandingUp

And that is why the situation sucks, because I can’t tell him to kick his son out.. and I would never do it, simply because I am not that kind of person (which could also be seen from the fact that I am doing his kids chores to.. to make everyones life easier, but not mine)

And yes, I agree, I have had 6 months of living with him.. but in my head there were 6 months of “being temporary” and I felt like he shouldn’t have any big responsibilities for being here.. if I knew this would become a permanent situation, I would have approached it with a different mindset and maybe even gotten more involved in his life and let him also into mine, which I didn’t really do, because in my head “he will leave soon”.

I also failed at this from this aspect.. but this would have changed if I knew his plan from the start, then I could also have another approach and have settled with it in my mind.

My son is 20. I would never put some bloke above him and be told he had to leave. I would laugh in your face, to be honest.

This ^

So he's supposed to dump his son for a shiny new family! You knew he had kids!! I don't understand people like you.

@RedTartanLass

If you actually read mu threads, I said I would never want him to kick out his son.
Also you would read that this is also my house and that he absolutely failed to tell me that his plan was to move in his kid before we bought the house together (for which we paid 50-50).
He didn’t even ask “how do you feel about this?” Or “how do you think we should do it?”
He took this decission solely by himself.. and I felt totally excluded and my feelings disregarded! I have had a though time at work for the past months and I also need my own time sometimes!

It is people like you who simply can’t deal with other people’s feelings that is what is wrong with the world!

maybe even gotten more involved in his life and let him also into mine, which I didn’t really do, because in my head “he will leave soon”
Youve bought a house with his father, you're talking about having kids with him. These will be your child's siblings, not just a distant family member. If you stay with your DP you need to think about getting to know both kids better. You could be sharing a famy with them for the next 30 years at least and if you have children together, forever

Not saying he's old (I'm older) but you are at different stages in life and he can't be in your world fully and you are not prepared to be fully in his.

This. ^ I honestly think you should move on, OP, as you don't sound as if you want to take both your bf and his children on - and that's the package. The children aren't just going to "leave" at some point, they'll always be a major part of his life - even if/when you have children together.

I have a friend who's in a similar situation 20 years on (they had one of his adult children living with them and also had children together). It's been hard work and she's been expected to compromise a lot. Now she's 50, her DH is nearly 70 and it's still hard work.

I think GrandmaJane has it sussed

GrandmaJane is on the money here.

He has used you to help him buy a house large enough to accomodate his adult children, which he couldn't afford on his own. He never told you this in advance, if he had you would have chosen not to buy with him.

I have a DSD similar age and when she comes here she cleans up her own stuff, helps with the dishes, watches her younger DSibs etc. No way I am going to be playing mummy to an adult! If she were a man and closer to my age I would also feel awkward in all honesty.

Towel is right, you know.

Talk to your DH about the son paying rent? I wouldn't have expected to live at my parent's house for free beyond school age, especially when working.

However this is your DH's child, he will always be a father first no matter how old he is. You need to accept that, it's part of marrying someone who already has children.

I think you have been deliberately duped, and are being taken advantage of.
I reckon this was probably always the plan to move his son in.
No consideration was given to you, and you've had a messy, nosy, lazy surprise dumped on you without a care in the world of what you thought about it. The posters carrying on about you taking on a man with a family and therefore shouldn't be complaining are missing the point. The point was the complete failure of any conversation around this matter and the ongoing lack of respect.

Very short term, pick up all the sons crap scattered around the house and chuck it in his room then shut the door. Stop cleaning the toilet and the bathroom. Plonk a selection of cleaning products on top of the sink. Start just making a meal for yourself. And go out on the weekends with friends or take yourself to a movie etc. Stop paying half the bills ( except the mortgage) and split them by a third. Don't discuss it, follow your partners example.

Shorter term, move out. I'm sorry to say but I think the lack of consideration has broken this relationship - he has shown you that you don't matter. Warn him you expect him to buy you out of the house within a certain time frame, and that you won't accept gradual payments.

Long term, sell your share house or force a sale ( if you can - I don't know UK law). Find a decent man who thinks your feelings are worth something.