My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

Cris it’s rubbish that you are in this situation and I think towel has it right. Your recent post about your partner not thinking you were serious backs this up. How hard is it for you to get out of joint ownership? Can you afford to buy him out or vice Versa? And why the hell are you working full time and doing all the shit work? I can’t imagine letting my lovely husband do all the shit whilst I sat about on my arse.

I also think it’s two issues 1)child moving in (not that unusual) however he should pull his weight fully. 2) you expected to do everything (which is totally unacceptable.

Watch and listen carefully as he is telling you exactly what he thinks or you (or maybe all women).

What lweji said .

X10.

My dd is 21 and if my dp said she couldn't stay here I'd be dumping him.

And this is his house.

As it stands she mainly stays with her dad. But I'd always want her to have that choice .

@Authenticcelestialmusic

That is most likely what will happen.
I told him that I also need some days alone or just the 2 of is since we don’t get to spend much time alone.. and that if he doesn’t have the gutts to tell his son to go home for just a few days so we can enjoy some privacy or just give me some space and relaxation.. that I will move out for a while.
I don’t think he believed me, but i alrady talked with some friends if I can stay there for a while.. it’s also not easy for me to just move since this is not my home country and don’t have sooo many contacts..

I still don’t think it is my responsibility to pay for someone else’s kids and clean after them.

You are choosing to do this though, I agree you should have been included in the decisions about who lives in your house, I totally understand you being pissed off about that and having an adult stepson of my own I do get where your coming from about privacy and not being able to fully relax. At the same time though dh or myself wouldn't dream of turning any of our children away if they needed to love with ya for a while, but they'd be pulling their weight.

I didn't clean up after stepson when he was a kid, his parents did that, I wouldn't clean up after his as an adult, nor would his Dad he'd be doing it himself

Theres three working adults, it's bang out of order that only one of them is doing the cleaning up after all three people. It's not your responsibility to clean after any adult man, including your boyfriend.

It's worrying that he gets aggressive when you try to talk about your feelings, is this behind you doing all the housework for two adult men, because asking your boyfriend to do his share will be met with anger? Did the ex also clean up after them all? Could the son be not helping because he's following his fathers example?

I guess you need think if your gonna give an ultimatum and ask for his son to leave or you will if you really can't live with him, but be prepared for your boyfriend to choose his son over you. If you want to make living together work then you need to reduce the amount of cleaning and clearing up you do for them, just stop from today and tell your boyfriend that housework is going to split three ways moving forward. If your boyfriend gets angry about that it shows he doesn't respect you.

Stop going into your boyfriends sons bedroom to clean too. Just stop doing it. You can control that part unless your boyfriend is aggressive over that too, in which case I'd leave.

Have you heard the reasons from her not just him?
Do ex wives now have to offer a debrief to new partners?? Why would his ex care to talk to his new live in gf??

the balls to tell his kid to stay home at least 2 days OP his son IS home. Honestly I think you need to accept that and then decide what to do about it - can you handleit, can you put some rules in about behaviour or did this all move to oquick and now you need to undo your mess

And I also told this to my partner! That i feel unconfortable being intimate with him if his son is here.
He said that his son probably doesn’t care.. but didn’t consider that I maybe do..

Hold on, are you saying your boyfriend is still have sex with you knowing you aren't happy and comfortable and enjoying it? Massive red flag there and he's sounding more like twat the more I read tbh. I noticed you'd mentioned not feeling comfortable having sex when is son is there earlier in the thread but assumed that you'd agreed to not have sex when his son is there.

And I thought you said he goes to his Mom's weekends so ymsirely you have all weekend alone together? What happens if DSD decides she wants to spend the summer with Dad too?

The son is not the real problem. He belongs with his dad. They are family.

All the behaviours around the son are symptoms of the deeper disease, which is why you know deep down that it is a really really big deal despite him being your boyfriend's son and thus it being reasonable for him to be around a lot.

You are merely a household appliance to them both. Like a washing machine or coffee percolator. Well loved of course. Can't imagine life without you. Picked out carefully. But your needs are not taken into consideration. Your comfort is irrelevant. You certainly are not consulted on important matters. If you malfunction you will be in the bin. You know it.

It’s great that he cares about his son. However, he should have discussed it with you first.

Listen to TowellNumber42

Suspect she/he has hit the nail on the head

If he was living in a small apartment after seperating then it seems to me OP that he has used you to be able to fund a large enough house for his DC to live in, and also a convenient housekeeper. If he wasn't with you would he have been able to buy a house this size for his son to share??

Did you leave home early and move countries because of bad parents? Easily angered or alcoholic types perhaps? Do you think normal family life is for one of the couple to slack off and the other to put up with it in a martyred way? Oh you know what men are like but what can you do ha ha

The son isn’t the problem, it’s the dp who didn’t even have the common courtesy to ask and agree with the op, he’s even admitted he’d decided to move his son in, so this hasn’t happened by stealth.

I think now the op needs to find a way forward with her dp. For starters she needs to stop cleaning the sons room , bathroom and washing his clothes, and also stop paying for him. Plus her dp needs to
start pulling his weight around the house again. Then she needs to agree boundries with her dp, as she’s said she has no issue with the son moving in, but she needs her wants and needs taking into consideration. The son is 20, not 3

@TowelNumber42

No.. that was not the case. My parents are loving and we have no problems whatsoever. I just moved out to study in a better uni and get a better job than i would in my home country..

Even in Denmark the AVERAGE age to leave home is 21 and as an average that means some younger - and some older!

Saying what his income is doesn't mean we know if he could afford to live away from parents, my understanding is the cost of living in Denmark isn't exactly cheap, plus you're giving us amounts in euros when the currency is Krone and frankly I'm not faffing about converting across 3 currencies to try and understand the cost of living for young adults there! (If there's any other Danish resident mners can help I'd be interested though).

Plus you moving out at 20 unless it was on your 20th birthday meant YOU were living at home at 20 too - so just 10 years ago and makes you no different!

I agreed in my first post it should have been discussed with you, but it's really not unusual in Europe to stay living with parents until in full time, fully paid employment. You knew this, but ASSUMED it would be left to the guys mother to cover this issue.

"He has lived together with his son for the past 18 years. It was not new to this thing." Even more reason why this is not a huge leap for your partner.

As an aside...to be honest it sounds like you've both rather rushed into things if it's only 2-3 years since he split from their mother!

Am I right in thinking you only lived together around 6 months before you bought?! Why?! That's crazy! That's nowhere near long enough for "best behaviour" (by both of you) to wear off and to rub each other's corners off. The saying you never really know someone until you live with them is so true and I would say you need to live with someone AT LEAST a year before you can know if your compatible doing so - again what the hell was the rush?!

You've actually misrepresented the situation when you've made comments about stepson "always living with mum" at the point you came on the scene things were still in a state of flux, regardless what your partner said any sensible person would have assessed that much.

"You can’t force someone to accept your family in your house just like that" you're COMPLETELY missing the point! As far as your partner is concerned (and I'd be the same) both you AND his son are his IMMEDIATE family! You seem to not get this at all! You're acting as if once his CHILD hits 18 he should no longer be welcome in HIS parents home - regardless of that parents sex!

Several pps have said - your kids are your kids ALWAYS that doesn't cease when they hit ANY arbitrary age. My brother and sister have both bounced back to living with my parents - including with their own children - when they've been having a rough time or there's been hitches with house moves etc. With my sister I don't always agree with it as she does take the piss and is constantly needing bailed out, but I can see it from my parents perspective too of that's still their child and if they're able to help they will. Bro's only done it twice, once when he first became a Lp and he was adjusting (he was already separated from child's mother when she died in a car wreck) and also supporting a bereaved child. Then again when there was a hitch when he was buying his house. I

"You've been had. You are the new skivvy with a younger body and no children if your own to distract you from tending to his needs." This too is entirely possible! But then all the more reason NOT to buy a house so quickly with someone you barely know!

CrisS23 so you are going to go and stay with friends to prove your point that you don't want his son at home for 2 days a week? So if he says that he will tell his son to go so you can have your two days a week without him you will be happy. This is not going to work us it. I think if you had your own children you may understand where he is coming from.

You don't like the way you feel he has dealt with this. You went into a relationship with an older man with two kids. They will have many times when they may need more from Dad than you want him to give.

@Graphista

Let’s aproximate he earns around 1300£, since apparently this is much easier to understand it seems. For a dorm room which he would get from school he would pay around 350-400£ which would live him around 800£ to live for a month. That is more than enough for a student, considering he doesn’t drink and party at all. And let’s face it, he would still receive help from his parents since his school is 30 mins drive from home.

You need to understand that the child situation was NEVER ever discussed with me at all. I understand everything you say and I thought well about it before being together with him, since we have always talked openly about anything, thus I have expected him to share his ideas about moving his son in with me. Instead he pretended “I wouldn’t notice” and just shut up. This situation was what brought me to the limit, and of course the unappreciation of the fact that I do clean and care for his adult son!
No matter what argument you bring to me now, i have already taken into consideration and fully understand.. just that my feelings of resentment towards it have brought me to a limit in which I cannot take anything anymore.

As mentioned before, I would have never said no to him moving in, I would have continued helping and contributing to it all IF my feelings were considered in the 1st place! That ship has sailed and this has impaired my feelings for any kind of contribution.

And yes we officially lived 6 months in his previous house (since I changed my adress from my own home to his), but I had been spending days, nights and weekends there for at least 1 year. And since things worked well and his kids seemed ok, we decided to move forward. Apparently that was a bad move since he wasn’t honest and I never thought he would do this to me!

And what you are seriously lacking to get.. is that if he was my child moving in, it would be no problem. But he isn’t, so the situation should have been taken in steps and slowly so we can ALL adjust! Not just him!

Why do you think he lied to you about his intentions?

Got any ideas about why he isn't cracking down on his son for shirking housework?

Must be boring not having sex in the week because of you not liking it when son can hear. Is he really not bothered by that? Do you mind only doing it at the weekend?

@Milliy

Maybe that was not the right way of putting it, but what I meant is that we also deserve some privacy during the week as well and not in the weekends only. There is no split into this at all.. he is here and period.
We used to cook together, enjoy a glass of wine and nice music when we felt like it, not schedule it all the time.
I have had some struggles at work the past months and even lost a project with a client and I had moments when I needed peace and quiet and home.. Because it has been a stressful time for me. And I didn’t feel like sharing my life and struggles with anyone that I didn’t chose to!
That is what I meant with having my own privacy sometimes when i feel like shit.. and I hate its not respected

@TowelNumber42

I have no idea why he lied to me. Maybe fear of confruntation.. or he really believed it is not necesarry to tell me, and that I wouldn’t question it.

Maybe he was used for his wife to do everything so it’s totally normal for him.

When I confronted him with the sex thing and that I feel unconfortable doing it during the week and that we probably won’t, he said “well if that’s what it takes.. “ in the sense of “ok, we only do it in the weekend”.
I feel like a freaking teenager in uni who can’t enjoy their partner cause his roommate is there

Sounds like you'd be better off living alone and sticking to just dating him.

And what you are seriously lacking to get.. is that if he was my child moving in, it would be no problem

Are you really saying that this is an issue because he's your partner's son and not yours?

CrisS23 but that's the thing with a relationship with an older man with kids. They are there. It's his home too because his Dad lives there. I understand your feelings honestly. In this situation though it sounds like you have underestimated how his children impact his world. You are in a relationship with someone in a situation that is not how you want it to be. Not what you signed up for but this is how it is for now. With kids(no matter the age) there isn't always privacy and time alone. My two kids live with us and they are in 20s .