My partner moved his 20 yo son into our house

[CrisS23]

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

If he wanted his son to live with him, he should have moved him in the 1st house he bought

He's a human being, not a piece of furniture. Maybe he was supporting his Mum in the aftermath of the divorce, or it wasn't convenient then for various reasons. Not living with his Dad immediately doesn't mean never can again.

This is all a pretty short time frame for him - 2 years out of a long term relationship. There is no long established pattern of behaviour

It doesn't matter how old the son is, they are always your children. When you get together with an older man with children, they come with the territory. He lived with Mum and now he's living with Dad whilst he goes to Uni. We only hear your side but maybe your partner sees things differently. If he makes his child move out because you don't want him there then your partner will resent you and the relationship will not work. You now resent him so this relationship won't work. Either you find a middle ground or break up. Your choice.

@Bluestitch

True. But if you share a house with someone paying half the mortgage and the bills and who on top of everything IS YOUR PARTNER, a simple “is this ok with you” or “what do you say to this” would have been nice before commiting to buying a house together!

Surely the point is that his SON wants to live with HIM. So becaise he's not a shit Dad he hasn't said "Sorry son, you can't live with me, I've met a woman"
There's no reason to be paying maintenance for a 20 yo but unless you have shared finances, or he can't pay his way, that's his own mess to sort. More fool him. Guilty conscience?

insist that I moved in with him.
You're a grown woman, why did you move in with him if you didn't want TO. Or you did want to and then it isn't about him insisting.

@Milliy

I would never kick his son out, out of principle! Even if he had a room at his mom’s!
What dissapoints me and got me to the edge is that is has been going on for the last half year without any mention of his plan before or without even considering my feelings, emotions or privacy!

There should have been a discussion, sure. But at the same time you knew this man was very newly divorced, had to leave his home of many years and had always lived full time with his kids. Did you think he would only ever have occasional visits from now on? That wasn't the relationship he'd had with them for the previous 18 years so I'm surprised you were expecting him to suddenly be a hands off Dad.

@SleepingStandingUp

I moved in with him because I wanted to and it seemed right. And it also was, since we bought our own place!
I thought he would at least be more considerate of me if he wanted to make such changes in our life. Or at least ask what my opinion is so we can settle to a common agreement about this and take it slow. You can’t force someone to accept your family in your house just like that

I understand how you feel but you have to decide what your going to do. Stay and accept things or break up. The son won't be there forever.

@Bluestitch

Of course I expected that and the fact that I was ok with his son staying here “temporarily” as he said before.. should say that!
I knew they would be here and stay here but i expected him to discuss it so we can come to an agreement about how to do it in order to respect both our grounds!

OP also beware - you said you might want kids with him.

20 years time you might have a child of yours sitting on your sofa upset that Dad won't let them move in because he's got a young gf who wants to walk around half dressed and without a bra on

You do not mention his daughter, does she ever stay over, perhaps she could be your ally.

I see nothing wrong with somebody having their own child living with them whenever they want. They're a parent; it's what they do, irrespective of their child's age. I would be surprised if I were to come home and find my OH's children moving their stuff in, but he's their Dad and it's his home, too, so he is perfectly entitled to do so as far as I'm concerned.

Cleaning up after them, though, isn't OK.

I mean your DP is v out of order not asking. First, but I also do think that many people live with parents at age 20 still. At 23 and 26 I know me and my sister will always have a room at my dad and step-mums house...

If you take on someone with kids you take on their kids, that's how it is whether you signed up for it or not. I will always put my child first regardless of what my partner thinks and if they don't like it then we'd have to split up.

Do you have dc op?

You signed up to being with a man with dc. Adult or not they are still his flesh and blood. Would you prefer him to forbid them from being there? Is that the kind of man you want to be with? Is that how you'd like your own dc treated?

Oh cris you poor love you have been conned like many a woman before you.

Why did he and his wife split up? Lazy bastard-itis? He got caught cheating? Have you heard the reasons from her not just him?

Here's how it sounds. She chucks the lazy bastard out (maybe after cheating). He moves out to a tiny flat. Could get himself a bigger place so his children can stay over but chooses not to. Gets himself new young girlfriend who is impressed with his worldliness. Spends time and cash on her instead of finding a way to be 50/50 with the children. Moves girlfriend in. Phew. Can go back to normal where women serve men (but not too much to scare her off). "Help" her with her chores quite a lot. Make sure she accepts housework is hers and he helps. She likes playing house so this goes well.

Next use her money to get bigger house. Son annoyed at mum making him pull his weight. Disney dad says son can stay with him. Dad and son conveniently don't see mess or dirt or piss or laundry or washing up. Nice. Daft young girlie is trapped by mortgage and socialisation to be nice and have a nice home and have a man and biological clock tick tock so goes along with being their skivvy. Of course she moans and nags but all women are like that, god knows the original wife/mother whined. Pfft. Ignore it.

You've been had. You are the new skivvy with a younger body and no children if your own to distract you from tending to his needs.

I did say earlier he should have clarified BEFORE you bought that his home is his xhimdrens home for asong as they want or need. And then you could have said no and you could have not bought together.

So what are you going to do? It seems fairly unanimous he's nbu to have his son with him so ywbu to expect him to pick you over his son

So what now? You need to actually be the change you want to see in your home

I suspect your partner had been on his best behaviour, new relationship with much younger woman etc, doing housework and trying to impress.
Not you have the house commitment you are finding out his true colours. Expecting the woman to look after the men.

Seriously though, you have a great job and are still young. Can you afford to buy a house alone?

Do you have dc op?

You signed up to being with a man with dc. Adult or not they are still his flesh and blood. Would you prefer him to forbid them from being there? Is that the kind of man you want to be with? Is that how you'd like your own dc treated?

Towel has hit the nail on the head.

OP read that post over and over again. Let it sink in.

You might not leave your DP now but you will eventually, your choice when of course.
I do feel for you, you have been duped.

As mentioned before I would have not said no if he asked me, because I knew his kids will always be there! The problem is that he didn’t even ask and it got so the extent of me being unaware of what is happening and no one caring to ask or tell me what the plan is. So it got so bad that now i can’t stand it anymore and the fact that he wasn’t honest totally ruined the mood.
I know he’s not a dick.. and I wouldn’t want to let this ruin our relationship but it’s hard knowing he was inconsiderate of me and just presumed I would be ok with everything he does.
I actually did tell him that if I can’t have my privacy even when I feel bad or tired or angry and can’t have the balls to tell his kid to stay home at least 2 days.. that I would leave and find my own place. He most likely didn’t think I was serious..

@Whatsnewpussyhat

I coukd yes.. and probably that is where it will all end up if he doesn’t realize the situation is most of the time bugging me and choses to ignore it going forward.
If that happens.. I might even decide to go home (to my own country) since I am actually an expat here..

I'd be cross too OP. It's hard to relax with other people in the house.

Have you thought of being very noisy during sex? Might make the son appreciate your need for privacy!!

@whiteroseredrose

Honestly.. I feel ashamed even doing that when he is here..
And I also told this to my partner! That i feel unconfortable being intimate with him if his son is here.
He said that his son probably doesn’t care.. but didn’t consider that I maybe do..