How to tell step-children they can no longer come away with us?

[exwifehell]

Long and short of it is after agreeing we can take them on a family holiday paid for by my parents, exW has since taken it back. There is no time for a court order before final balance has to be paid and I can't expect my parents to take that risk as they have already lost money due to a cancelled wedding thanks to the exW.

They obviously know about said holiday, includes two of their friends (niece and nephew of mine) and our new baby.

This has been done to spite my ex intentionally as he was pushing to finish the clean break order (been left for years and didn't realise once we marry she had a chance to claim on my stuff) .

And no I am not the OW. I met him three years after they separated. We have been together four years. Children very happy here and love their new sibling.

Us not going on the holiday isn't an option either as parents paid for it to celebrate birth of little one and to have family time with us all. And my niece and nephew will already be disappointed enough they aren't coming let alone us as well. We are all very close.

How on earth do we navigate this? The last thing I want to do is hurt them. DF has already stated to exW that it will look terrible to them and that it will leave them feeling not part of the family. No reply.

She has form of pushing my DF out the picture. He has had to go to court already and she ignores the orders.

I believe she has intentionally done this out of spite and to make sure the kids don't feel part of our family (which they are!) . As she got especially nasty since finding out I was pregnant. (Sayi g she shouldnt be born, that DF should leave me) . Encourages the kids to call new guy day etc.

What on earth do we do? I feel so awful for them. I can't believe a mother could spite her own children so much just to get a point score on my DF :(

Ron - that's lovely that they have such a nice bond. The more children. that love the children the better

OP this is a very useful resource for you: www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk/blog/

Thank you. I'll have a look myself and se d it to DF

This isn’t a holiday with the children’s father though, is it? It’s a holiday with their father’s new wife and her parents. The father is being totally emasculated.

Well obviously the father is going to be there...

Or are we setting up to kidnap and sell them on now as well?

This isn’t a holiday with the children’s father though, is it? It’s a holiday with their father’s new wife and her parents. The father is being totally emasculated.

How do you get that, user?

OP has said that her h is depressed and worn down by his ex's behaviour - does this make him emasculated?

It's normal to go on holiday with family. The dc will be going with their father, their stepmum and stepmum's parents.

*@user1499173618 *
This isn’t a holiday with the children’s father though, is it? It’s a holiday with their father’s new wife and her parents. The father is being totally emasculated.

WTF are you on about???

Family holiday with DF and DGP. All incredibly important relationships for a child to have, and what better way to develop them than to go on holiday together, Having read what OP has said, I don't believe any family court would support the actions of this exW who is actively obstructing the child having a positive relationship with his DF and his DGP, and who denigrates the DF to the DCs.

That said, family court is a very blunt instrument, and often there are no "winners". It's not a place to seek any form of justice when it comes to the actions of the exW, as their only concern is the welfare for the children. Provided your absolute priority is the welfare of the DCs then I would ave no hesitation in going for the emergency hearing.

Bear in mind also that also that even if the court issues the order, exW may still not comply. She will then be in breach, and the court may ultimately imprison her if she repeatedly fails to comply. Where does that leave DF's relationship with his DCs.

The whole thing is a nightmare and there seems to be no limit to the extent to which women like this can get away with the most appalling behaviour. I'm so sorry you are in this mess OP. It puts the most awful strain on your family. particularly if your DP has depression. I ended up in that position and it was a long way back. I hope you might be able to source some counselling?

Correction, SGPs, not GPs. But also half-sibling.

Wtf are you on about user? Your last post was seriously weird.

user1499173618

Reported for derailing the thread and being goady.

Agreed that no one really wins in these situations. Especially not the children.

Support I have in place for myself due to history with depression and anxiety anyway. Unfortunately my DF doesn't and is particularly reluctant to get any. He feels medications won't help and unless he is really bad he won't be offered anything beyond those.

I've told him to look into support groups for seperated fathers. And naturally I am always here if he needs to talk. But he tends to bottle a lot up and then it'll come out in a break down. Not a nasty one, purely an emotional one.

He is a very hard man to help at the best of times. Least of all when he feels so hopeless with it all.

The parents invited there daughter and her family on holiday. They agreed. Where has he been emasculated? How? So weird.

And as much as I dislike the mother I would never actually want to see her taken away from their children in any way.

They love her. Apart from with the DF issue she is kind and good to them. The children are very happy with her and for me and DF that is the main thing above point scoring.

That's the thing I have kept coming up against myself OP. How do you decide what is the right thing for DCs. Surely it has to be to have a loving relationship with both DPs but how far can you go to achieve that without it backfiring on them. It's just not black and white is it.

Not sure how being invited on holiday is emasculating
I would tell the children the truth, that their mum won't let them go.

Exactly that. Damned if you do damned if you don't.

My main concern in the bigger picture is exW alienating them from their father, and in turn their little sister. I don't want that for any of them, including myself.

But even then what is the other option? Lay down everything she done when they are older? Turn them against their mother? Or turn them even more against their father as they don't believe it? Neither is a kind option for the children.

All DF wants is to be able yo make memories with them. Family holidays, Christmas. To be involved in picking schools and anything health related etc. Anything. The same basic rights she exercises on a daily basis.

Being a step dad despite having more of a "work load" aspect seems to be a bit easier than a step mum. At least if you're with the mother of the children you don't have to navigate such silly mine fields just to plan your lives with the children.

I am worried that eventually if things continue this way the children will feel unwanted by DF and myself. That we moved on with baby and forgot to include them. That couldn't be further from the truth.

How on earth do you navigate it all without the end result being DF looking bad and losing his relationship with them? Even if he continuously fought as you said it could result in prison. Kids aren't going to understand or appreciate their father taking away their mum. Or change in residence. Kids won't like being forced out of their home from their mum against their will. Literally any path DF takes beyond the kids miraculously them getting the picture eventually will mean he ends up looking the bad guy.

Well not necessarily. As they get older DF will be able to have direct contact with them without the exW filter. Email, whats app, facebook etc. He can tell them directly how important they are to him and tell them he wants to spend time with them. As they become older, their opinions matter more and are taken into account by the court. But I don't think it's ever wise to play the blame game. As hard as it is to button your lip, don't play the same sad game that she is. Never bad mouth or blame their DM, however you feel. You will have to trust, as so many of us have to, that in time they will work it out for themselves and build their own relationship with their DF.

Your parents are happy to pay but not if they don't come. You can't afford to find £1000 in one go.

How about they book the place for the kids, then you either a) keep quiet about it and wait for the likely decision that she does want them to go at the last minute, then you swoop in and say "Yep, OK", or b) pursue the court order.

If it doesn't work out and you have to go without them, then pay your parents back in installments (assuming they'd be OK with this).

Or just explain to the kids how much you would love for them to be there but that mummy feels they aren't quite ready for them to be away from her for so long, but that the next holiday they will come for sure. And take orders for presents and sweets and do something silly like Photoshop them into a picture so they can see how much they were wanted.

Hopefully si! We never say a bad word about their mother around them. So hopefully time will heal. I feel for the time they are losing with their dad though.

Sadly I have offered the option of paying and then us paying them back in installments if it didn't go ahead. Parents are against that option as they are then short on a big chunk of money for a long period for nothing. As it would take us a good year or two to pay back.

I think the best course of action (and DF agrees) that we explain to them how we want them there but their mum doesn't think it would be the best thing for them right now. Make sure to not put them in a position they feel like they need to take sides. Then make sure this bloody court situation is tied up as best we can as quickly as we can with limited room for wiggling in.

I do agree that coming back with lots of bits to show them we were thinking of them all along. The photoshop idea sounds really cute but I worry they may take that the wrong way possibly? A "heres how much fun you could of had" moment?

I question everything these days over what would be right regarding them. Not because they make you, they are great kids. Just you worry with so much going on around them the smallest error on our part could result in them being very hurt

I feel so sad for these poor children. They are entitled to have a relationship with their father and their half sister and it sounds as though their mother is doing her best to sabotage it.

It is probably too late to do anything about this holiday but you need to get a robust court order in place setting out exactly when the children spend holiday time with their father in future.

I feel for them all.

I worry about the future of my DC being part of such a mess and I must admit there have been times I have questioned if I done the right thing. Sadly though no fault of her own she has been tied into this mess for life as well now.

All I want is for all three children to be happy, safe and know how loved and wanted they are.

OP, I saw a few comments back that you were thinking about support for separated fathers. Whereabouts are you? I know a company person who does just this. Will send you a message. BBCB x

Firstly you have to be honest with them.

You seem to have a fab relationship with them and they'll actually appreciate your honesty with them I feel.

Be honest and say how you're upset as you were excited, but that you have to respect mums decision. That way you're letting them know the truth without sounding too bitter.