A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

All the responsibility, all of the grief, non of the rights or respect that goes with it.

@CaboodleTwist

Whilst we are at it, let's screw all of the adoptive parents too. They aren't worth coming to a parents day. How dare they!!! They must be a waste of space if they aren't the biological parents. Jesus.

You know that's totally different than a step parent... if you don't...then that's a bigger issue in your comprehension.

An adoptive parent has parental responsibility.

You make yourself sound unintelligent with that comment.

SandyY2K wow...maybe her step dad had been in her life since she was wee. Maybe they all got on really well. Maybe her dad was fine with it...

@SandyY2K my husband doesn't have parental responsibility for his biological child because ex didn't put him on the birth certificate. He's hasn't sought parental responsibility because it has worked okay as things stand and ex is reticent to name him as father. He was however named as the parent for the non biological child which conveniently allows his ex to claim maintenance. Again, we've never questioned this because both kids act as though he is their dad.

But course, naturally, screw him too. He might as well be a step parent to his biological-but-no-parental-responsibility-son on that basis. Lols. Good one.

Of course I'm going to sound
-unintelligent
-selfish
-critical of their mother
-over entitled
-incompetent
-uncaring
-too caring
-not invested enough
-too invested
The list goes on...
By the very nature that I dared to fall in love with my husband and take on a package that included two step kids. It's NOT my fault their relationship broke down and step mothers should have far more support on the complicated tightrope that we have to walk. It's not easy and there is no rule book, I'm only trying to salvage what I can and part of that involves providing the kid with my time.

And do you know what, I'm going to keep doing what I feel is right. Because ultimately it doesn't matter a jot what you lot think because you don't live in my shoes. @Justcallmestep has allowed you a brief intimate look in her life. Don't castigate her for that. Provide opinions by all means because she's asked for feedback but don't be blind to the fact that every family operates differently and one that is formed on a broken home is bound to be faced by massive challenges.

As an SM you will be shot either way. We take a difficult role and as I said before, be NICE to us. We volunteer our time for your children, usually happily. Find positive ways of expressing things rather than making us feel unworthy. I think it's amazing @Justcallmestep cares enough to want to take enough interest to care about the education of the kid. You should be biting her hand off with enthusiasm that she gives a shit.

@CaboodleTwist

You're missing the point. An adoptive parent is not comparable to a step parent. This is the specific area I said you make yourself sound unintelligent...nowhere else.

More fool your DH for not being on the birth cert for his child and being named as father for one that's not his.

People who are pushovers her treated as such. He could have sought to correct both situations to reflect the truth, but he's chosen not to for his own reasons.

@Ginger1982

SandyY2K wow...maybe her step dad had been in her life since she was wee.

I wouldn't want a SM to do anything I should as the mum, at my child's wedding. If I'm dead.. then fine.

If all parties are fine with it...then no problem...but if the mother or father doesn't want a step parent inserting themselves in on one if these duties...they need to respect that and take a back seat.

my husband doesn't have parental responsibility for his biological child because ex didn't put him on the birth certificate

Assuming they weren’t married, he would have had to have been present to sign the registry.

If they were married at the time, it should be a simple case of showing up at the registry with the wedding certificate and getting the entry amended.

Or you can just continue ie to blame the ex.

Christ alive has anyone actually read the OP!!

This is such a hostile environment. At the end of it step parents have a bloody right! They do.

If both my dp and his ex didn’t want me wherever - fine

If my dp wanted me there but ex didn’t - tough on the ex! He’s a grown man. He can make an informed decision as a parent and I am not in a relationship with the ex wife

And sandy- re the birth certificate - it’s easy to say more fool the ex- but it just goes to show how difficult some mothers can be.

These feelings all boil down to INDIVIDUAL feelings. It’s that beach ball situation- we are all looking at the same fucking ball but we see different colours.

Most mothers have that feeling where they don’t want to be replaced don’t want another woman doing whatever.
There are step mothers out there that are not about that shit.

Just fell in love with someone that comes with a child. Stone me!

Why isn’t an adoptive parent comparable to a step parent- it’s all about looking after and caring for a child.

I’m constantly made to feel third best to someone else’s guilt. If my oh can’t have my corner - then he should not have got into a relationship with me and found someone that’s happy to be third.

Or he needs to realise that next to his son- I’m his priority. And to quit making me feel like I should be doing this or that without anything back.

Child minders or teacher don’t get half of this crap.

Typo

People who are pushovers ARE treated as such.

Assuming they weren’t married, he would have had to have been present to sign the registry.

@ohreallyohreallyoh

Or you can just continue ie to blame the ex.

Exactly.

Why isn’t an adoptive parent comparable to a step parent- it’s all about looking after and caring for a child.

Do you really need to ask?

An adoptive parent has a legal and parental responsibility for the child. A step parent does not. Anything do for a stepchild, is doing your OH a favour. It's not an obligation for you.

If you split up you have no right in law to see the child.

You aren't legally required to pay child support.

My SIL is a stepmum...if she and my brother divorced...she may never see the kids again...in spite of what she may or may not have done for them.

What's so hard to understand about the difference in adoptive and step parents.

And sandy- re the birth certificate - it’s easy to say more fool the ex- but it just goes to show how difficult some mothers can be

This isn't about being difficult.

As an unmarried couple he would have to be at the registry office. It's not a case of not 'putting him on the BC'. The birth registration has to be done within 6 weeks of the birth. Unless the relationship had broken down so badly within that time...why didn't he go to register the birth with her.

One has to ask why he went to register the birth of the next child that isn't his.

The mother cannot just put any man down as the father.

Something doesn't add up about this story....but it's easy to blame the Ex.

My SIL is a stepmum...if she and my brother divorced...she may never see the kids again...in spite of what she may or may not have done for them.

What's so hard to understand about the difference in adoptive and step parents.

manage his ExW appropriately

Yeah, get your DP to do this. That'll help.

* At the end of it step parents have a bloody right! *

Thankfully the law disagrees

@SandyY2K have you thought about where you are going with that? Given you don't know his/my personal circumstances? You've only got the merest whisper of information.

@ohreallyohreallyoh
He chose to continue to raise "his" daughter as his own, rather than strip her of the closest thing she has to a father (but...yknow, because he's not her biological father it's obviously irrelevant for her to be in his life). Re the younger child, she went and registered the birth spontaneously without him. Given he was on the first certificate, what would have prompted him to think he needed defensive action? HOWEVER. It is not my place to decide on whether DH goes for parental responsibility. It's something we are considering but it's not a simple case of paperwork. The last time we had to do anything it had to be done in court and it was thousands wasted. She won't simply agree and sign the paperwork.

I do blame the ex. The ex chose to end the relationship, she chose to split the family, she chose to lie to her DD about parentage until DD was a teen, she chose to lie to my DH about it also. There's nothing wrong with the way DH behaves. He's not a dick. She could have stuck with him until the kids were older. It's not my "dirty laundry" to air tbh. All I know is her interactions with me have been utterly unreasonable, aggressive and rude. This happened from day 1. It's not that I actually did anything to cause it because initially I wasn't confident and I wasn't forthright. It matters not a jot in terms of my immediate relationship with the children.

As SM I will NEVER be right in the eyes of Mumsnet. And tbh I'm fed up with the attitudes when actually often SMs need an extra bit of support to deal with complex issues. I am guided by the reaction of DSS on what he wants and doesn't want from me.

You miss the point somewhat. On the one hand you (generally, as a group) send the message that it's unacceptable to say as a step parent we "didn't have a choice to be in the lives of our step children", but in the same breath when we DO become involved in the lives of our stepchildren we are penalised.

Obviously a step mother is not the same as an adoptive mother. However...there are significant similarities, except one role has to run alongside existing parent roles as support and an adoptive parent can have a free rein.

I take my responsibility seriously and as far as I'm concerned the level of commitment I have to his children (biological or non biological) is on par with an adoptive parent, regardless of whether or not I get the privileges of a primary parent. I was conscious of this when I dated him and particularly when we married.

However I don't encroach in their lives because at the moment they have a functional mother and father in their lives and I respect that there are some things their mother refuses for me to be involved in - even if I don't agree. I think it's incredibly short sighted of her and of course it's on her terms because I try to be flexible (as I'm a stepmother this will be called "being a pushover"). So when it suits I can look after her kid on my own, but when it doesn't I'm told I don't have the capacity to look after a kid and the kid should be spending time solely with his dad and not with me. Right. Because of course the relationship between me and the kid is TOTALLY irrelevant and obviously a waste of time.

Yeah, if DH and I get divorced in a year and I leave then yes it would be a waste of time but given we are in this long term, is it so sinful to encourage the kid(s) to develop a relationship with me? But this isn't about me. It's about a wider issue.

I think the idea of the step kid being exclusively his to care for is crazy. Imagine how that child will feel in a few years time. "oh no DSS, I'm going to feed my own child but I shan't feed you, you have to wait for your dad to feed you"...."ahh well DSS, I'd like to help you with your homework but unfortunately your mother thinks I'm an interfering #%#$ so I'm not going to be involved in any of your homework"..."oh well DSS, I'm going to take my kid to the park but I'm worried about the emotional commitment with you, so if it's all the same to you maybe you could wait in the car with your iPad whilst I bond with my kid". Can you not see the irony of some of the messages you are all sending? What if the mother doesn't go to parents evening but we could? Isn't it better that we do as a pair than no one goes?

There's just so many screwed up views here coming from (I assume) people who haven't actually had the experience of being a step parent. It's just not welcome. Take your preconceptions of "us" elsewhere.

It doesn't escape my attention that if something happened to their mother, it would be me that has to step up to the plate. Snort away with derision but the mother has two (para)suicide attempts under her belt so it's not as crazy as it might sound that I could find myself in that position. How does that change things? I'm still going to be the same person, the children are the same, but they'd maybe look for more of a motherly emotional support from me. If their mother can't give it to them then it would fall to me. And that's it. I do all the things that their mother doesn't do. I'm not interesting in stepping on her toes, but she hasn't got the ability or volition to help with their homework and seems fairly uninterested in their education. As our household is footing the school fees, I think it's totally legitimate that we should participate. Yes!!! Me as well! Because if we don't, she won't. The kid loses out.

You are arguing semantics between adoptive parents and step parents. If I ever broke up with DH I would be desperate for him to find a woman who could fulfil a role in my children's life, not to replace me but that if he had a new relationship, that the new woman would care for my children as if they were her own, to take an interest in their education, even to come to parents evenings. I would want to keep the critical decisions in their lives between myself and the "ex" - which school, medical care...but I would want the new woman to coparent. I would be over the moon if she felt strongly enough about my kid to turn up in hospital and want to care for them. I'd want to sit down with her at a table and hope that she would listen to how I bring the children up in my home and hopefully reinforce those values in her home.

Everyone is so locked up in angst. I literally couldn't give a toss about his ex and she's been unforgivably rude to me, but I'd give anything for her to start a fresh (it's not me that harbours ill feeling) and talk to me about how she wants me to look after her children while they are in my care, what her core parenting values are. I want to be able to have a blended family and I'd even be prepared to do joint Christmases etc for the good of the children. But like @Justcallmestep I'm not welcome. And it's crushing to be not welcomed, and infuriating to be told by you lot that somehow what I'm doing is wrong.

The last two paragraphs are key. Why is that SO WRONG? When listening to diatribes like the one on this thread I really do think why not screw it all, kick the poor mite out from his place on the sofa downstairs and tell him to never come back. I'm obviously only ruining his life so I ought to cut my losses and call it a day on the whole thing (wtf this is all madness)

Anything you do for the child is doing your OH a favour???????????? LMAO

Go on then. Tell us. Are you a step mother? Are you a single mother with a problem ex? Are you a happily married mother who hasn't been through this? You'd have more kudos if you have experience of the situation you are talking about.

It's mad. And tbh all this legal wrangling is pointless. No, I don't have a right to see the kids if we split, but I would hope that actually the kids (less so for DSD as she has grown and flown)...or DSS would want to see me of his own choice. And if so naturally I would be there for him. I wouldn't just bin him.

^ I think you'd benefit from having therapy.

@Justcallmestep on a more positive constructive note for you, I find these things will go in ups and downs. What you'll find is there are a few things where you feel quite hurt, but then there will be a niche where you can be more involved and feel like you've been given that opportunity to have a little bonding moment with DSS and it may not be parents evening. It's very easy to feel hurt because you put a lot on the line. For me, it's quite simple. Both his DM and my DH are scared of heights, so DSS and I go and do boy stuff like climbing and go ape. No one else will do that with him so it's special.

I also think that if he's yours for the three nights of the week you have to take the role that comes naturally in your house in that time. I agree that after 3+ years it's no good for DM to suddenly assert herself on your role with him. You've got your routines set up so that they work and changing them suddenly now isn't easy.

I do agree with the others that some of the important things that you want to help out with or have a hand in simply can't be yours to choose, and school seems an especially contentious issue. I think it's incredibly sad I'm not allowed to go to parents evening because I want to show him I care and I support him. Ultimately though I think it means less to him than to me, and when he's just a touch older I can ask him whether he wants me to take that role with him. It can be guided by him. He's much more keen on me doing go ape than he would be at boring parents evening. You're not unreasonable to have thought you'd be at parents evening because honestly I thought it was a given that I would be. To me i would have assumed that it would be rude to NOT go to parents evening. Sadly as your presence isn't welcome, I think you do have to reassess your thoughts because it's picking a fight you are unlikely to win.

But you can determine what occurs in your own home, and you do have to because you need to be able to determine your living environment so it's manageable for you. No one has said this but I absolutely commend you for having the child that often. We don't have DSD as often but it's all systems go when he is here so the attention is all on him.

I imagine you wish you'd never started this conversation and tbh it's not doing my sanity any good. When you have conversations like this you will never ever be right and you will be stoned and just because you volunteer a few snippets of your life people get on their high horse. If you want a safe space to talk, feel free to PM me.

In the meantime (lols) I'll bury the ex under a patio, we can adopt the kids and be the perfect parents.

If all parties are fine with it...then no problem...but if the mother or father doesn't want a step parent inserting themselves in on one if these duties...they need to respect that and take a back seat.

Absolutely not. If the child wants their step parents involved in their wedding then the mum and dad need to suck it up and put their kids feeling first.

Absolutely not. If the child wants their step parents involved in their wedding then the mum and dad need to suck it up and put their kids feeling first.

Most children are loyal to their parents...even ad adults and don't want them feeling uncomfortable.

In the case of my BIL...stepmum insisting she was on the top table didnt go down well with his mum...do she didn't come. Even though his mum hasn't been the best mum...and his SM went on about the years she looked after him...when it came down to it.. He chose his mum's comfort over SMs presence.

It just makes more sense for the step parent to stand back and not have the whole thing become a drama...or the bride and groom will rather elope.

There's a tendency to label disagreement as hate of SMs. That's not the case for me. MY SIL is lovely as a SM...she had a wonderful heart.... but I do see times when I'd stand back in her position regarding the DC.

I know she only has love and everything good for my niece and nephews...but she's not their parent.

In the meantime (lols) I'll bury the ex under a patio, we can adopt the kids and be the perfect parents.

SMH

Justcallmestep you aren’t going to get the feedback you want here. The point is, do your actions help the child. If by going to parents evening you can’t better support the child to learn and be educated and get a career and job they want, then you should go. If it is best for the child, then do it. It will be difficult but your partner isn’t being unreasonable by giving you responsibility, in a relationship you are a team and work together, in terms of children and everything else. Don’t read too much into comments here and just do what you feel is best for the child.

Obviously can rather than can’t..:

Most children are loyal to their parents...even ad adults and don't want them feeling uncomfortable.

I’m glad my parents aren’t selfish enough to have put me in the position to have to choose.

There are lots of us happy step parents on here who have given advice. Generally we’re happy because we know what our role is (supportive to DP and SKs and enforcing house rules but not an extra parent), understand that a SP role is earned over time, have supportive partners who don’t try and make us a replacement parent and don’t overstep the boundaries with regards the other parents.

For those who are struggling with the SP role, strongly recommend Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. It really helped me in those early years.

Sandyk? Did you actually just say you think she’d benefit from therapy? Seriously your comments. They aren’t constructive and you’re pretty cruel. And youd look at situations and stand back if it were you? It’s not you. And until you’re in it- i’d Love to see what you’d do.

And work- have you seen some of the SHIT parents out there? Can’t even look after themselves let alone their kids! Child abuse? Yeah great law!!

A parent is an act! Not just a title. It’s all

Dori68- thank you x luckily I won’t or I’d need therapy.!

Caboodles - I bloody wish I didn’t bother ! Jesus Christ!! And I think it’s disgusting about the therapy comment! We need it after reading this! So insensitive! The patio comment sent me over the edge.

God I was quite funny in amongst all this crap! X where did that come from? 😂😂😂😂

Hecky peck your parents are wonderful x

Caboodle 👍 balanced constructive sound advice. Thank you.

And I thought I posted in the step parent section- I think I expected more sound advice. Me and my expectations.