A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

He said I should always be involved.

Your DP is forgetting that your partnership with him and your role in the household is not there to replicate the relationship set-up he had with DSS's mum. Your status as his partner isn't like some soap opera character where they change the actor but the role is the same. Your DP needs to respect the unique relationship he has with you; you are not there to fulfil the role of mother figure during his contact time with his son - you have your own wants and needs. How dare he try to dictate your life according to his needs yet put you firmly back in your place when it doesn't suit. If you carry on as you are I can promise you that resentment and frustration will destroy your relationship.

It’s so confusing. I think I spent so much time trying to create a stable environment for us all it - and not as a mum. As basic common sense that I assumed more roles than I realised. Then when it came to what i felt I should have been part of (not parents evening) I felt let down when my view was he should have had my corner.

I’ve uncovered bigger issues here me wanting a sense of belonging and him wanting lots his way and issues if i did my own thing - trust issues.

As women I think we do what comes naturally. Not because I want to be a mum or trying to be one. It was just natural and I felt kids need structure and stability.i didn’t feel he put this on me- I guess I just did- that’s what I thought people do. Thank you for your advice I appreciate it.

He said I should always be invovled and it isn't fair

Who does he think it isn’t fair on if you go out?

I find it really bizarre how if you go on any other thread in mumsnet everyone is very supportive, but for some reason people think stepmums don't have any standing. Actually, often stepmums have so much more to deal with than any other party, they have to invest everything knowing they may well get nothing back. They have to balance the fine line between caring about their step child and seeming controlling.

I think step parents are probably the most amazing people. They give up a life where they can do what they want, to financially and emotionally support a child they know can turn around at any point and walk away. They put themselves in situations people criticise them, because they put someone elses child before there own interests. And then get attacked just for wanting to know how the step child's education is going.

Yanbu But on mn you are automatically wrong if you are sm. Unless it was dss not wanting you there I don't see why it's an issue especially since your dp and his ex are quite happy to let you do the donkey work.

I think step parents are probably the most amazing people.

As a step parent I 100% agree with this.

Seriously though it can be difficult at times, particularly if you don’t have children of your own. I see childfree couples flying off on adventures when my holiday was Peppa Pig World and do feel jealous, but then I remind myself that I can go adventure holidays with friends if I want to and knowing I have a choice makes it easier.

It also helps having a DH who doesn’t expect me to do any of the donkey work and doesn’t complain when I go off and do my own thing.

I think your DH needs to change his mindset OP.

especially since your dp and his ex are quite happy to let you do the donkey work

None of this has anything to do with the ex. She has no control whatsoever over what the OP and her partner do.

Step parents are not more amazing just because they are SP, that's ridiculous. There amazing pare ts and amazing SP just like there are crap parents and SP. Most though thruddle through and lean as they go, adjusting their ways, listening to others and hopefully ending up not doing to bad of a job at it.

OP is free to either listen to what most people told her here or ignore it continuing to think that she knows best and upsetting the ex but more importantly her OH in the process which is really counter-productive because ultimately if it were to lead to a separation, she would be the one having no more contact with her SS, justifying why it is indeed better for everyone if she took a bit of a step back.

I do think it’s harder for step parents. I appreciate that it’s my own view as one - there’s just so much more to deal with. And swing - im don’t agree with your last post.

How have I once said I know best? I asked if I was being unreasonable and have been shot down in flames.

If the mum feels upset for whatever reason/ then that is her feeling. She has to deal with them just as much as I have to. I am not having my feelings just shunned to the side. We both have to accept certain things.

My original posts asks if I am being unreasonable with the situation that I thought would happen.

Hi heck’s- if for example I went out when we had dss for a night he wouldn’t like it. But we have dss - it’s probably because he wants me home and not out while he’s indoors. And then at times I’ve not done certain things but when I’ve felt I should be part of something hasn’t involved me or stood up for me. And then I’m like “hang on how come I have to give all this for not the same back?”

It is probably more of a control issue.

And I guess depending on the age of the child - that determines if you still stay in touch. My dad and sm separated a couple years ago. I still send her thank you cards on mother’s day. Christmas and birthday cards and pop in and visit her when I can. Just like I’d visit my Nan or something.

It all depends on the situation.she was in my life for so long I’m not just going to drop her like a hot brick. That could have been different and may not have had that relationship. But it worked.

And I don’t want to go through life either thinking what I’d do if we split up. Crikey shall I never have a kid. My DH could think no more kids as I can’t juggle two families - not a great mindset.

Dh 😂😂😂 he’s not even my dh I’m getting too wrapped up in the acronyms - my partner - what’s that?? Oh?

You haven't been shut to flames, you've been told that yes you are indeed unreasonable by most. I respect that it is not what you wanted to read, of course not, but you take it or leave it. No one has said you were a horrible person.

Of course you'll think it's harder for a step parent but then you are not an ex nor a parent. Arguing whose got it the hardest takes no one anywhere. All three roles are hard in their own ways. Sometimes it will be harder for one and other time it will harder for the others. It's not a competition of who's got it hardest and therefore who has more rights.

As always your issue is the boundaries that have not been made clear with your OH (other half!) and both of you battling on both ends. You want rights because you see that he demands things from you as a SM, he sees it that you want to be involved in parental issues so it is fair you should also take on some responsibilities.

What you both need is be clear on what the boundaries are and from what you've written, it seems like the best way forward is for you to take a step back in terms of responsibilities and therefore entitlements to be part of parental roles whilst he needs to accept, as its been posted above, that however much he likes the idea, he isn't replacing his ex and the family set up he had with her, with you taking on the same role. You want to go out when he has his son over, you go ahead. Why should you be tied up? If it is such an aggravation to look after his kid whilst you are out having son, he should stick to having him eow rather than 3 night a week.

Of course you shouldn't make choices based on the possibility that you might not be together in months or years but you do have to keep in mind that it could happen and if it did you would have no right to contact with the child especially until you are married.

I do think it’s harder for step parents

Sorry Op, harder than what exactly?

if for example I went out when we had dss for a night he wouldn’t like it. But we have dss - it’s probably because he wants me home and not out while he’s indoors. And then at times I’ve not done certain things but when I’ve felt I should be part of something hasn’t involved me or stood up for me. And then I’m like “hang on how come I have to give all this for not the same back?”

It is probably more of a control issue.

It does sound like it’s about control. Is he controlling about other things?

Hi work. Just my opinion.

With the dss comes the mum comes her diary. Comes her work days. Comes her mums diary. Comes my partners days. Comes the child- comes the lines you’ve got to be so conscious of treading. Comes the involvement but not involvement.

Heck I think so. Then I am very much of it’s good for the goose it’s good for the gander and then well- you can imagine. So many times I’ve caved then when it comes to him I’m “don’t think you can do that” and it becomes a struggle. Control is defo an element. X

Hi work. Just my opinion.

With the dss comes the mum comes her diary. Comes her work days. Comes her mums diary. Comes my partners days. Comes the child- comes the lines you’ve got to be so conscious of treading. Comes the involvement but not involvement.

Heck I think so. Then I am very much of it’s good for the goose it’s good for the gander and then well- you can imagine. So many times I’ve caved then when it comes to him I’m “don’t think you can do that” and it becomes a struggle. Control is defo an element. X

I'll echo that you have no right to be at parent's evening.

You're doing a lot of mum work, because you want to and your OH is happy ...because he doesn't have to do it.

Without sounding disrespectful step parents need to know their place.

I was at the wedding of my friends DC recently and the stepmum I of the bride insisted on being on the top table and didn't want her DH (Bride's dad) sitting next to his Ex W.

She wanted to greet the guests which is due the parents of the B & G. Absolutely ridiculous. It doesn't matter if she helped with homework and cooked meals. It's not her child.

When something requires parents.. as a step, it will not apply to you.

School plays etc are fine...however, you need to be mindful of how all parties feel.

I can't understand why you refused the meeting. It was appropriate that DSS dad was present...it's not a battle of the mums. By you wanting just the 2 if you...you havevn't helped the situation.

It may not have been your intention...but the refusal smacks of..this meeting will be on my terms or not at all...bearing in mind your the step...that wasn't wise.

3.5 years ago it was probably too difficult for her emotionally to meet with you. She didn't know how long you'd be on the scene for...So she may have been waiting to see how serious the relationship was.

The request from the Ex was reasonable. It concerned her DS...So why wouldn't his dad be there.

Really what it comes down is: if you are happy to act like a second mum to your sc under your roof be a use you enjoy it and your partner I happy to with it, do it but don't expect rights to be earned from it at least not immediately or for quite some time.

If you act as a second mum mainly to please or impress your OH and you don't enjoy it all that much, at least not all you do, DON'T do it, end of.

You can say it as much as you want, scream it to you oh every day, it still won't give you any rights to be involved in your sc's to the extent you are demanding. It's not a case of them having to decide to meet your demands or else, it's a case of you having to decide whether you want to conti UE to be as involved and committed as you currently as if you are not going to get you way.

Actually OP isn’t allowed to go out when her DSS is there and her partner gives her a hard time for doing so.

It sounds to me like he’s the one that’s been pushing OP into the parenting role and she has done it because she’s a nice person and because she cares about her DSS.

OP, I think it might be time to look at your relationship a bit deeper. Look at the ways your partner treats you. Does he make you feel loved? Respected? Cared for? Happy? Does he just want someone to do his share of the parenting grunt work?

Hey Sandy- that wedding scenario- that doesn’t seem right and I’d never expect that. However if my dss was cool and asked then happy days. I didn’t want to meet the ex wife 3.5 years in as our routine was already set. I expected this sooner was always kept at arms length and when she decided it was expected.

Sorry - if you want to meet me after all this time happy to meet you. Not a formal meeting so far down the line. It was just my view.

My friend got married a few weeks ago and her SF said a speech too. It was lovely.

Swing- I don’t act like a second mum. I act how human nature tells me too. Whether it’s nieces/kids friends if they’re in my care - there are rules under my roof- I’ll feed/play with them put them to bed. Whatever. This is natural to me and I’d assume it’d be natural to others too.

I am not sure why you keep using words like “demanding” either. I haven’t demanded to be at parents evening or assembly. I had a basic expectation more so with assemblies and if he didn’t want me there I’d have to respect it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Hecky peck - I think I know what the underlying reason is- it’s a control thing (I’ve just added a post AIBu to something that’s happened al week)

I mean as a role at home with or wiytjout step kids I’ve done the dinners - certain house chores etc. It’s just how it’s been. I wouldn’t do all that and say feed your son. It makes no sense.

I took a day off in November told him I booked it off- gonna get a bit of a pamper day. “But you wouldn’t take a day off with me and dss in half term” he’d say.

Jesus!! I had a week away with them in the summer - I have time off with them at Christmas and I don’t want to take another day off to be at home looking after dss if oh is there.

I would rather us do alternate days off to help cover which leaves more holidays for us to all do something together.

Besides hello look at my roots!!! They’re a disgrace.

I’ve not helped situations by being “well if you want this from me don’t think it’s ok for you” and that attitude with his ways has created a sleeping monster.

Aside from this underlying issue I can’t keep trying to explain I’m not being a mum. But we are not monsters we are bloody human and should have some sort of role! Without getting all the crap.

Thanks heck xxx

I never really see stepdads having these expectations placed on them. It seems all to often men expect a mum role from their second wife or partner.

It's because women do the majority of primary care and nurturing. The truth is that men in this situation never get to feel what it's like being a single dad...because women are quick to jump in and help them.

These are the men (in general) that did very little parenting in their previous relationship...and now you all allow the same again.

@Justcallmestep as a fellow SM I think a lot of these comments are overly harsh on you. I think it's great you want to be invested in DSS's life and I do think some of the comments to "step back" etc are just impossible and short sighted. Honestly, I think you're doing the best you can without reason. Your DP isn't necessarily a dickhead as everyone has said, it's just a really complicated situation to navigate.

I would never meet DSC DM with DH present. It's a recipe for disaster. They can't be civil. It may be that DM may be civil with me but I'm regularly accused of overstepping the mark in various ways. IMHO she chose to dump DH and therefore opened herself up to the possibility of their being a SM in their lives. If I were a DM I would want my relationship with the new SM to be wonderful because I'd have a vested interest in being polite to the woman who was looking after my kids, and hopefully looking after them in a way that aligned with my own parenting.

Anyway. I can't really be constructive for you because I reckon nothing will change for you and you just have to harden yourself to things a little bit. But I don't think you've been unreasonable.

I believe there is a forum called childlessstepmums which is meant to be a less hostile environment for talking about these things without risking being stoned. Good luck x

My friend got married a few weeks ago and her SF said a speech too. It was lovely.

Is her own dad in the picture? If he was at the wedding and has been in her life I'd feel upset if I was him.

My BILS stepmum refused to attend if she wasnt on the top table.

Sorry I've just read a few more of these posts.

This attitude of differentiating so strongly between parents and step parents IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. We as "good" stepparents try hard to integrate ourselves in to the step kids lives and it's one shitstorm after another. Damned if we do and damned if we don't.

Whilst we are at it, let's screw all of the adoptive parents too. They aren't worth coming to a parents day. How dare they!!! They must be a waste of space if they aren't the biological parents. Jesus.

Yes- sd hasbbeen in her life 25 years. And sorry that says a lot about that person if she refused.

Dad and sd spoke. Same at my wedding - all the parents got thanked including my step mum. She got a bunch of flowers too- just like my mum.

Caboodles - god everything you wrote I feel. Thank you. X