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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Expected to be the breadwinner

147 replies

Frex · 17/09/2018 13:13

Hi all,
I really just want some rational thoughts so I can work out whether I'm being unreasonable.
I have a grown-up daughter who is getting married next year. No other kids.
My OH has 3 teenagers, the older two of whom live abroad with their mum and the youngest is part-time with us.
I moved in 6 months ago and got a job quite far away. My OH insisted on giving up a job he hated so he could drive me to work and back. I went with this as he said this would give him the chance to train up for a career change.
Then in the summer his two older kids came to stay, and it cost us an absolute fortune. One of them insists on having nothing but brand-name clothes, and was bought quite a few of these. Then we went camping, which I thought would be a cheap holiday, but they chose to eat out rather than cook at the campsite. We also did lots of activities with them, which I was glad to do so they would have fun with their dad.
I'm having to get a loan to pay what I can towards my daughter's wedding. My OH says I shouldn't pay anything but this isn't negotiable as it's something I really want to do.
I don't want to be financially responsible for all of our kids. I get that he wants his kids to have a good time when they're with us. There's a lot of guilt involved on his part, and a lot of love.
But I want to put my own daughter first, and I want to be able to buy myself new clothes and things without having to put his kids' needs before mine.
I bought into this set-up knowing he had 3 kids, but I had no idea how expensive other people's kids are to run. I brought my daughter up on the cheap and she doesn't seem to have suffered much. But I think the climate has changed since she was young enough to be demanding.
Last night I asked him to start applying for jobs, but he said he likes driving me to work and spending quality time with me. True? Maybe. Or maybe he's just got used to all the free time :-)
How should I handle this situation, or should I just suck it up since I got myself into it? I'd love to hear what you guys think, especially the other stepmums out there.
Cheers, Frex

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 17/09/2018 13:15

Fucking hell op.
Move out ASAP is my advice.

He is a cocklodger in his own home!!

Quartz2208 · 17/09/2018 13:15

put your daughter first and leave

Ginazon · 17/09/2018 13:17

My OH insisted on giving up a job he hated so he could drive me to work and back

WTF?

Leave him, move closer to your new job, pay for your daughter's wedding.

Momzilla82 · 17/09/2018 13:18

I'm with the above. He's a cocklodger. Move out. You shouldn't be buying his kids better clothes than you would buy for your own out of your money.

AndersArms · 17/09/2018 13:21

Cocklodger.

Definitely move out.

misscph1973 · 17/09/2018 13:21

This is not something you have ever discussed, right? You have just been expected to provide? Sorry, but your partner is taking advantage of you. If he wants to be a SAHP, then he can only do this if you agree.

So your problem here seems to be lack of communication. And it has been going on for a while, so it's not likely to go down well if you put your foot down now.

I can understand why you haven't said anything, it's easy to assume that other people are decent and reasonable.

Just in case you are in doubt - you should NOT pay for all of this. In fact you shouldn't even contribute to the designer clothes and you should split meals out (and don't go out unless you all want to). It's not like your partner contributes to your daughter's wedding.

Racecardriver · 17/09/2018 13:23

Presumably you OH isn't your husband? Tell him you aren't happy with the set up and just stop giving him money and start making your iwm way to work. He will quickly get a job.

SilverBirchTree · 17/09/2018 13:24

Wow so he's basically retired then? The kids aren't the issue, your partner is. Was he hoping you just wouldn't notice that he turned you into the only breadwinner without discussing it with you?

You need to have a proper candid conversation about money, work, budgets, and the long term with this man.

Side issue - What's this driving you to work business? Can you drive yourself?

aperolspritzplease · 17/09/2018 13:25

He gave up work so he could drive you to work?! WTAF. Did you actually agree to that?

I'd be out of their. Pronto.

MysweetAudrina · 17/09/2018 13:25

Can you get to and from work without him driving you? If so then tell him you would rather he get a job and contribute towards his children to dropping you off at work like you would a primary school child.

Does he just expect you to pay for everything? Funny how he doesn't think you should contribute towards your own daughters wedding but thinks its fine to contribute towards his childrens designer gear.

He has the best of all the worlds.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 17/09/2018 13:26

Wow! Cheeky fuckery and cocklodger on an epic scale!

Honestly if someone who was supposed to love me could treat me like this I'd seriously be questioning their motives. You can't stay with him, he has no respect for you whatsoever and sees you as a cash cow.

Ditch him and move out at the earliest opportunity!

womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 13:30

WTF??! 'Gave up a job he hated to drive me to work'?!? Gave up work and expects you to buy his kids designer clothes more like, cheeky fucker!

Does he own the house outright and expect you to work and pay for things as you have no rent/mortgage to pay? There must be more to this, surely no one is that deluded and selfish?

Loopytiles · 17/09/2018 13:34

As someone with an adult DD you should have been old and wise enough not to move in with a boyfriend without frank discussions about money!

All your payments for him and his DC were voluntary: sounds like you spent more than you wanted to and now don’t wish to subsidise them. So tell him that and don’t.

Who owns the property you live in?

Lucked · 17/09/2018 13:34

Don’t you drive? It’s very odd that he is your chauffeur when you are short of money.

Honestly he gets a job now or you move out.

Cuttingthegrass · 17/09/2018 13:47

This is very weird. Has he retrained as he promised?

It does seem he has retired and using driving you for quality time with you is weird. There’s not much you can do whilst driving 😂

rosablue · 17/09/2018 13:53

Do you drive? If not, can you prioritise spending money on lessons and a cheap car so that you can drive yourself to work?

Even if you don't want to - it would be worth having the conversation with your OH to see what his reaction is. If he is supportive - great. If he isn't - then why not? Sounds like he thought that driving you to work would be a great way for him to avoid working himself and get you to support him and his dc.

How much would it cost you to move out and move nearer to where you work so you don't need him to drive you, and you can spend all the money you want on you and your dd's wedding? what would his reaction be to this? whether or not you want to continue in a long distance relationship with him is up to you! Was it him that suggested you move in - or you? And how did you envisage life would be together?

Definitely sounds like you need to have some strong discussions around budgeting, expectations (what would he say if you said that you need him to pay you back for all the expensive designer gear that you bought for his ds for example - pointing out that you don't have enough money of your own to buy ordinary clothes for work for example, if this is the case/could be if you need a loan for your dd's wedding when it sounds like you weren't expecting to have to need one).

Tough times ahead but you know if you stay it's going to get worse and worse and they will expect you to pay and do more and more, you and your dd will be the losers so take a deep breath and decide what you want to do to ensure that doesn't happen!

Original poster

Frex · 17/09/2018 14:06

I don’t drive, and getting to work on public transport takes almost 3 hours each way. He lives in public housing - I’m in the process of buying a house that’s about an hour closer to work, and he is planning to move in with me. I pay the rent and bills at the moment. Just writing this all down Iz really making me wonder what’s wrong with my head :-(

OP posts:

HerRoyalNotness · 17/09/2018 14:09

Move in to your new house and leave him behind

Wheresthel1ght · 17/09/2018 14:10

Why would you move in and then get a job a 3 hour commute away?

Ffs, get rid, move nearer work and make the useless twat pay for himself

Original poster

Frex · 17/09/2018 14:10

Driving isn’t an option for me sadly. I moved in with him because I got a job offer and lived too far away to take it up. I feel cornered.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 17/09/2018 14:12

I'm sorry OP but you are being taken advantage of. I bet he was keen to get you moved in and start this new cocklodger phase of his life.

You have no responsibility towards these children and must prioritise your own.

Do not get him moved into a house that you buy. That would be insane.

Your best bet is probably to carry on letting him drive you to work and then to dump him just before you move house. You would be using him to get to work but it wouldn't be any worse than the way he's using you. What's the timeframe for you to move into your new place?

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 17/09/2018 14:28

Bus? Train?
Pony better than being in a confined space with that cheeky fucker!!

womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 14:29

Move into your own house. Save up and learn to drive. Pay for your daughters wedding. Stop this madness, you are not his mother.

Tinty · 17/09/2018 14:29

Buy a new house as near to your job as possible so that you can get yourself there. Do not buy a house an hour a way because that is convenient for him!

You have no reason not to buy a house near your job. You have no DC in schools to worry about.

DonnaDarko · 17/09/2018 14:33

Do you know when you will be moving? Do not let him move in with you! He'll definitely never work again and you won't be able to get rid of the bastard!

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