Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Expected to be the breadwinner

147 replies

Frex · 17/09/2018 13:13

Hi all,
I really just want some rational thoughts so I can work out whether I'm being unreasonable.
I have a grown-up daughter who is getting married next year. No other kids.
My OH has 3 teenagers, the older two of whom live abroad with their mum and the youngest is part-time with us.
I moved in 6 months ago and got a job quite far away. My OH insisted on giving up a job he hated so he could drive me to work and back. I went with this as he said this would give him the chance to train up for a career change.
Then in the summer his two older kids came to stay, and it cost us an absolute fortune. One of them insists on having nothing but brand-name clothes, and was bought quite a few of these. Then we went camping, which I thought would be a cheap holiday, but they chose to eat out rather than cook at the campsite. We also did lots of activities with them, which I was glad to do so they would have fun with their dad.
I'm having to get a loan to pay what I can towards my daughter's wedding. My OH says I shouldn't pay anything but this isn't negotiable as it's something I really want to do.
I don't want to be financially responsible for all of our kids. I get that he wants his kids to have a good time when they're with us. There's a lot of guilt involved on his part, and a lot of love.
But I want to put my own daughter first, and I want to be able to buy myself new clothes and things without having to put his kids' needs before mine.
I bought into this set-up knowing he had 3 kids, but I had no idea how expensive other people's kids are to run. I brought my daughter up on the cheap and she doesn't seem to have suffered much. But I think the climate has changed since she was young enough to be demanding.
Last night I asked him to start applying for jobs, but he said he likes driving me to work and spending quality time with me. True? Maybe. Or maybe he's just got used to all the free time :-)
How should I handle this situation, or should I just suck it up since I got myself into it? I'd love to hear what you guys think, especially the other stepmums out there.
Cheers, Frex

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HairyLegs11 · 17/09/2018 19:05

How is he planning to finance his part of the living expenses and contribute to his DC's upbringing?

rosablue · 17/09/2018 19:06

OP is there anything you could do - get a grant for example as a result of not being able to drive and needing an assistance dog - that would enable you to pay for a taxi to your work?

Sorry, I don't know the ins and outs of how these things work - just thinking of a friend that uses a wheelchair that has a motability allowance to help toward costs and wondering if there is anything similar that you could use towards costs of travel and thus free your partner up to be able to work... Although the way things are going these days, I can well imagine that there isn't anything - just crossing my fingers and hoping that there would be something to help you!

What would he say if you said that you like having a quiet commute without him there - lots of people use their commute for a bit of quiet 'me' time without anyone else there to interrupt it.

Just out of interest - while you are out at work - how much other work does he do around the house - cleaning, meals, washing etc? Or do you set to and do lots when you get home too?

liverbird79 · 17/09/2018 19:28

Op does he drove you there then back and then there and back to pick you up?

Does that cost more or less than a train or whatever?

Original poster

Frex · 17/09/2018 22:09

Yes he drops me there and picks me up again. It takes about 4 hours out of his day. I think I could get help with taxi fares, but he won’t hear of it.
He does the lion’s share of the housework, and I keep the kitchen clean and the dishes washed and put away.
Discrimination is rife in the housing market. I’ve been trying to rent a room since March so I could stay near work one or two nights a week, but as soon as I mention the dog the room suddenly becomes occupied.
Something will give. It always does. I’ll get my courage together. I’ve done it before. The idea of starting again totally on my own with no friends or family around is very daunting.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 17/09/2018 22:26

I'm afraid the challenges you face are probably what has got you into this situation. He can see it's one that it's not easy to extricate yourself from and that suits him fine.

I think you need to push this discrimination issue on the renting front.

SandyY2K · 17/09/2018 23:22

Contact access to work for help getting to work in the UK.

I’m in the process of buying a house that’s about an hour closer to work, and he is planning to move in with me.
NO NO NO

No self respecting father quits his job when he has children to support.

Shame on him

Original poster

Frex · 18/09/2018 00:56

Thanks everyone. I’ll contact Access to Work in the morning.
Tonight I refused to pay £500+ for his DS and GF to fly over for a visit. I said they were more than welcome if he could afford the flights. Bad atmosphere here, but the tide is beginning to turn.

OP posts:

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 18/09/2018 01:11

Glad the tide is turning for you OP.
He and his kids just regard you as an ATM

buffysummers4 · 18/09/2018 07:26

I am still astonished by his behaviour and I'm glad you're seeing that he's unreasonable. I wrote my previous post in a rush but one thing I was trying to say was that despite the inconveniences of working while kids are young I am determined to do it because I know that they get more expensive as they get older so we will need two incomes once they are teenager. Completely insane to drop to one income at that point! Surely if he was working and you paid yourselves for taxis you would still be better off as a household??

buffysummers4 · 18/09/2018 07:34

And that's without even addressing the designer clothes aspect - if they want those they get a part time job and buy them themselves!

UnicornSparkles1 · 18/09/2018 07:36

Well done OP! Money grabbers, the lot of them.

SandyY2K · 18/09/2018 08:01

I’ll contact Access to Work in the morning

Great. They're very helpful.

Don't be paying for his kids. He's taking advantage of you. I'm disgusted by his behaviour.

Make sure he hasn't got your banking passwords or pin number.

SandyY2K · 18/09/2018 08:04

I'm sure you probably don't need it, bit Access to work can also assist in other ways to support you at work.

That includes specialist equipment if required.

endofthelinefinally · 18/09/2018 08:05

He is using you.

littlebillie · 18/09/2018 08:07

I think you need to tell him how you feel or you won't get closure

Cuttingthegrass · 18/09/2018 08:11

OMG it just burned my eyes to read he expected you to pay £500 for his son and girlfriend ... that's even more CFery than ever. It now extends beyond just his kids.

It will be unsettling and disruptive to change this tide. But I would certainly look at buying somewhere very close to work - is that affordable?

woolduvet · 18/09/2018 08:12

If he wanted to work he could get a job near your job and work while you work.
Separate your finances or get your salary paid into another account.

LeftRightCentre · 18/09/2018 08:15

Tonight I refused to pay £500+ for his DS and GF to fly over for a visit. I said they were more than welcome if he could afford the flights. Bad atmosphere here, but the tide is beginning to turn.

Get onto Access to Work today and start looking for a room to rent somewhere. Do NOT cave in to this. He's a man who quit his job and expects you to pay what he should be paying to support his kids. He's the one who should be paying for his son and his son's girlfriend to fly over to visit. The cheek of this pisstaker is astonishing.

Miketv · 18/09/2018 08:38

How far on are you in buying the house? Can you hang on until that goes through? Or buy one even closer?

Keep saying no to their demands. They are being completely unreasonable

Loopytiles · 18/09/2018 10:46

Keep saying no to ALL financial requests!

“He won’t hear of it”. He doesn’t get to decide. You urgently need to be able to change your situation in order to get to and from work and to live independently, within a short commute, which for your current job means living in a different location from him and his DC.

His top priority should be parenting and financially supporting his DC and himself.

rosablue · 18/09/2018 12:28

Glad to hear that you're not paying £500+ for his dc to visit (and it would have been so much more because while they were visiting they would have expected you to be the golden goose providing expensive meals out, designer clothing and other treats...)

Also glad to hear that you're going to contact access to work.

Agree with the others saying that if it is you making your way to work then he doesn't get to decide - it's your choice! Sorry to say but the more you put about him, the more he sounds a CF and cocklodger who saw you coming and planned his attack on you to enable himself to have an easy life.

With regard to getting a flat while you have a dog - are there any support groups or facebook groups or similar, in the place you want to be living near your work - either for people with attendance dogs or just local dog lover groups or even just local groups - that you could put that you're looking for a flat and you have an attendance dog, could anybody point you in the right direction to rent somewhere please... I know on some of the groups I'm on there are often people that are looking for places to live for themselves or friends that want to move in locally - and while people might not want 'dogs' in general in a property, you might find that there is a dog loving landlord who wouldn't or couldn't justify 'normal' dogs living in a property, be it insurance or past problems with problem pet owners, but love dogs, know that assistance dogs are a very different proposition and would be happy to have you in there (and might see it as a positive as they know how well assistance dogs tend to be looked after and that extends to their surroundings!).

What would happen if you said to him that it was all too much, work was just too difficult and that you needed to stay at home, he needed to go out to work? Not saying that you actually feel like this or be planning this at all - but that it would be worth saying it to him (and spinning it as your [reason for assistance dog] getting worse and making things impossible, rather than not liking it as he did!). Even more importantly - his reaction...

I suspect it will tell you a lot - about him and how he views you and what you mean to him apart from being his personal money provider... If he is genuinely in love with you then he will be worried and expect you to put yourself first so as not to make yourself worse. If he is worried about his easy life, he will tell you to continue, you're imagining it, that it will be better to prove yourself and carry on working and so on.

Just out of interest - is he claiming carers allowance of any sort to enable him to do this?

Original poster

Frex · 18/09/2018 13:16

I don't know about any carer's allowance. It wouldn't be feasible for him to work instead of me, as my salary is quite good and his would be around a quarter of what I earn. He's never been unemployed in his life. This is a first.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 18/09/2018 14:07

Agree with the pp who said you should move as near to your work as possible, not an hour from where you are now. Or look for another job but that's easier said than done. Also as another pp said, he could get a job in the town where you work and then you still drive to work together but he's earning! Tell him you're asking about a job for him at your workplace and watch his face very carefully.

LeftRightCentre · 18/09/2018 14:15

It's not feasible for him to have quit his job when he has kids to support. EVER. Not even for the 'train up' bollocks. He's made it very clear to you, too, that he has no intention of going back to work. Fuck getting Carer's Allowance for him. If you don't want to support him and his kids, forever, you need to move out. He has his feet under your table and won't shift. Can't believe he told you to fork out £500 for the visit, and when you know damn well you'll be paying for goodies whilst they are both here and then have less to give to your own daughter.

He's an adult, he's responsible for his financial well-being.

theworldistoosmall · 18/09/2018 14:30

For him to drop his job just like that, I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't pulled this shit before. Cocklodgers don't suddenly wake up one morning and become one. It's something that's usually started when they are younger

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6