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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Expected to be the breadwinner

147 replies

Frex · 17/09/2018 13:13

Hi all,
I really just want some rational thoughts so I can work out whether I'm being unreasonable.
I have a grown-up daughter who is getting married next year. No other kids.
My OH has 3 teenagers, the older two of whom live abroad with their mum and the youngest is part-time with us.
I moved in 6 months ago and got a job quite far away. My OH insisted on giving up a job he hated so he could drive me to work and back. I went with this as he said this would give him the chance to train up for a career change.
Then in the summer his two older kids came to stay, and it cost us an absolute fortune. One of them insists on having nothing but brand-name clothes, and was bought quite a few of these. Then we went camping, which I thought would be a cheap holiday, but they chose to eat out rather than cook at the campsite. We also did lots of activities with them, which I was glad to do so they would have fun with their dad.
I'm having to get a loan to pay what I can towards my daughter's wedding. My OH says I shouldn't pay anything but this isn't negotiable as it's something I really want to do.
I don't want to be financially responsible for all of our kids. I get that he wants his kids to have a good time when they're with us. There's a lot of guilt involved on his part, and a lot of love.
But I want to put my own daughter first, and I want to be able to buy myself new clothes and things without having to put his kids' needs before mine.
I bought into this set-up knowing he had 3 kids, but I had no idea how expensive other people's kids are to run. I brought my daughter up on the cheap and she doesn't seem to have suffered much. But I think the climate has changed since she was young enough to be demanding.
Last night I asked him to start applying for jobs, but he said he likes driving me to work and spending quality time with me. True? Maybe. Or maybe he's just got used to all the free time :-)
How should I handle this situation, or should I just suck it up since I got myself into it? I'd love to hear what you guys think, especially the other stepmums out there.
Cheers, Frex

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ArtemisWeatherwax · 17/09/2018 14:37

Don't let him move in! In fact, if you can buy a house even closer to where you work, do it!

Ariclock · 17/09/2018 14:39

Wow op, he's done well out of this arrangement hasn't he. You shouldn't be paying for everything, he's taking complete advantage of you. If you leave him you might be able to give the wedding money to your daughter without getting a loan out. I would pull out of buying the house and rent one closer to your work whilst you look for a property to buy. You sound lovely by the way, don't let yourself be taken advantage of. He will bleed you dry if you let him

TwistedStitch · 17/09/2018 14:39

Why would he quit his job when he has 3 kids to support? So you are funding them when they are with you and his ex is funding them when they are with her. Meanwhile he gets to opt out of working whilst telling you that you shouldn't be supporting your own daughter? What a prince.

MrsMozart · 17/09/2018 14:47

You're not cornered lass.

Get out.

Move into short term rented while your house purchase goes through.

Your OH needs to pay for his own kids. And no way does he get to dictate to you as to what you spend on yours.

theworldistoosmall · 17/09/2018 14:57

Fuck that. Move and leave his cock lodging ass behind. Give up work to drive you to work, I would have told him to give himself a wobble at the mere suggestion of this.
If you have to save up to move out, I would tell him from today you will NOT be providing for his kids. You have given it some thought about what he said about your DD and yea he's right, why are you supporting any of them. So no more.

And moving with you? Haha, had a lucky escape there. At least you had a trial run to see what a tight bastard he is.

HollowTalk · 17/09/2018 14:57

he is planning to move in with me

I bet he is! Him and his kids, all sponging off you. All wanting things that they couldn't POSSIBLY provide for themselves.

If I were you I would go home tonight and pack my bags. I'd go to a cheap hotel or AirBnB near to work and I would look for a place to buy there. Why on earth would you buy somewhere 2 hours from work?

Come on, OP, give your head a massive wobble and leave this cocklodger and his kids.

Original poster

Frex · 17/09/2018 15:07

Thank you everyone. Interesting that not one of you is seeing his point of view, which tells me that maybe he doesn't have one.
It won't be easy for me to move out. I have an assistance dog, and people who let houses don't like them. I've just contacted a housing association. Will update this thread when things change.
You've all given me a big fat wake-up call. Thank you.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 17/09/2018 15:11

Wow he's hit gold!

If I were you I'd look for something really close to your work. I'm not sure I see a future in this relationship...

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 17/09/2018 15:13

Try contacting your MP for some accommodation help. They are good at dealing with councils /housing associations etc.
Kick him to the kerb op.

Veganfortheanimals · 17/09/2018 15:17

Christ on a bike ...what am I reading ....whatever you do...do not let him move in with you to yr new house..you are being used big time...t

LeftRightCentre · 17/09/2018 15:29

I’m in the process of buying a house that’s about an hour closer to work, and he is planning to move in with me. I pay the rent and bills at the moment. Just writing this all down Iz really making me wonder what’s wrong with my head :-(

NFW! Just no. He is a total sponger. Move out asap. I'd actually find something on Gumtree rather than continue to fund this leech.

ShalomJackie · 17/09/2018 15:42

Ok if you want to someone to see it from his point of view:

I have met a woman who is a righy sucker. We now live together and Iiterally have no rent or bills to pay. I managed to convon e her that I should give up work so I can drive her there. Once I had this all set up I moved my demanding kids in and now its even better because I pay no maintenance and indeed she pays all the kids expenses too. She wants to take out a loan to help.pay for her own daughter's wedding. Cheeky cow. That money is far better apent on me or the latest designer trainers for my kids.

It will get even better soon. She is buying a house, then I will probably persuade her to marry me! At some point when I tire of her or once she has seen through me we will then divorce but I will be quids in because I will take her for all she has got - a share or the house after all all property is considered joint in a marriage and not only that spousal maintenance because I will be able to prove that I gave up work to drive her everywhere!

Ghostontoast · 17/09/2018 15:58

Exactly as shalom says!

What a cheeky cock-lodger! I can’t believe he is so brazenly getting you to fund him and his children!

Loopytiles · 17/09/2018 16:22

Unless you have already exchanged and your house is in YOUR ideal location, pull out of the purchase and look for somewhere convenient for your job to move into alone.

Apart from anything else, why on earth was he planning to relocate when he is responsible for teens? Not a good sign.

Loopytiles · 17/09/2018 16:23

It was a bad plan on your part to be reliant on someone else for transport to work.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 17/09/2018 16:24

God he’s got it sussed hasn’t he no job no maintenance to pay for his three dc and your footing the bill when they come over. Give your a head a wobble surely you can see he’s tsking advantage?

Howtodeal · 17/09/2018 18:00

OP I have rented with a dog, it was a bit trickier to find somewhere but by no means impossible, especially if you're willing to be flexible about area / type of property etc. Get yourself the fuck out of there as soon as humanly possible!

CrabbityRabbit · 17/09/2018 18:05

He is 100% a cocklodging bastard. Bin him off.

If your dog is a service animal, you may be able to use the DDA when talking to estate agents/housing associations.

UnicornSparkles1 · 17/09/2018 18:10

Wow, get rid of the cocklodger before he's under your roof and it will be so much more difficult to get shot of him.

I'm assuming he couldn't possibly get a job near your job so he could still enjoy the quality time of driving there and back every day?!

Spanglyprincess1 · 17/09/2018 18:13

Sorry but how hard is it to just say no...if kids ask for new clothes just say it's up to your dad and leave it at that. If he hasn't the money then they don't get them, simples.
I know that sounds blunt but I'm very clear in my situation that I don't funds anything I'm not happy too. Eg I'll pay to.go to a fmaily farm and bring a picnic but if the kids want expensive ice creams, toys, pony rides then that's up to.theor dad ( tbh often I'd expect him to pay at least half entry price as me paying g half is.mpre than fair !).
Don't get taken from a ride!

buffysummers4 · 17/09/2018 18:19

Wow! I am feeling bad for not contributing more financially to the household and we have two under 5s and I have just got a new role which although very limited income this year should hopefully lead to more work next year. Plus I do the vast majority of house and kids stuff! Please tell me he does the housework??

tribpot · 17/09/2018 18:24

My OH insisted on giving up a job he hated so he could drive me to work and back. I'll just bet he did.

I’m in the process of buying a house that’s about an hour closer to work, and he is planning to move in with me. I'll just bet he is.

Sorry OP the guy is royally taking the piss. It would be one thing if he were 'just' expecting you to provide parity between his kids and yours (and you were married, neither of which is the case) but to have fleeced you to the point where you are having to get a loan just to be able to contribute to your daughter's wedding and then saying you shouldn't do it is an epic pisstake. He's no doubt calculated that the debt repayments will have to come out of the money he wants to splurge on his own lifestyle.

CrabbityRabbit is right - here is some advice for landlords which says "Housing providers and landlords of rented property in the UK are subject to the requirements of the Equality Act 2010 and the Disability Discrimination Act 1995 in Northern Ireland, which state that it is against the law to discriminate against a blind or partially sighted person – such as a guide dog owner.

Guide or service dogs are not pets but mobility aids, and it is the landlord’s duty to make reasonable adjustments in amending their ‘no dogs’ policy in accordance with this."

It goes on to say "Even if you have a ‘no dogs’ policy in place, this should not apply to guide or service dogs". Pretty cut and dried.

I'm sure you will find bad landlords who try to find other reasons not to accept your application, but I honestly wouldn't hesitate to start looking for something close to work. Is the house that you're buying commutable by public transport? You haven't been hoodwinked into buying somewhere where you'll still be dependent on him for lifts, have you?

Waddsup12 · 17/09/2018 18:25

Just talk to letting agencies about the dog, they then talk to the landlord, think it would be discrimination anyway.

LeftRightCentre · 17/09/2018 18:46

Last night I asked him to start applying for jobs, but he said he likes driving me to work and spending quality time with me. True?

Haahaaaha! He wants to loaf around on your meal ticket forever.

youbrokemytwatometer · 17/09/2018 18:53

So does he contribute anything financially? Anything at all?

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