Expected to be the breadwinner

[Frex]

Hi all,
I really just want some rational thoughts so I can work out whether I'm being unreasonable.
I have a grown-up daughter who is getting married next year. No other kids.
My OH has 3 teenagers, the older two of whom live abroad with their mum and the youngest is part-time with us.
I moved in 6 months ago and got a job quite far away. My OH insisted on giving up a job he hated so he could drive me to work and back. I went with this as he said this would give him the chance to train up for a career change.
Then in the summer his two older kids came to stay, and it cost us an absolute fortune. One of them insists on having nothing but brand-name clothes, and was bought quite a few of these. Then we went camping, which I thought would be a cheap holiday, but they chose to eat out rather than cook at the campsite. We also did lots of activities with them, which I was glad to do so they would have fun with their dad.
I'm having to get a loan to pay what I can towards my daughter's wedding. My OH says I shouldn't pay anything but this isn't negotiable as it's something I really want to do.
I don't want to be financially responsible for all of our kids. I get that he wants his kids to have a good time when they're with us. There's a lot of guilt involved on his part, and a lot of love.
But I want to put my own daughter first, and I want to be able to buy myself new clothes and things without having to put his kids' needs before mine.
I bought into this set-up knowing he had 3 kids, but I had no idea how expensive other people's kids are to run. I brought my daughter up on the cheap and she doesn't seem to have suffered much. But I think the climate has changed since she was young enough to be demanding.
Last night I asked him to start applying for jobs, but he said he likes driving me to work and spending quality time with me. True? Maybe. Or maybe he's just got used to all the free time :-)
How should I handle this situation, or should I just suck it up since I got myself into it? I'd love to hear what you guys think, especially the other stepmums out there.
Cheers, Frex

I was thinking the same as a pp, I would not be surprised if he was at least planning to claim a carers allowance . He is using the driving to evidence it. He has foisted himself into this position.

My ex did similar, bled my bank account dry, had me borrowing to pay bills. Took out a catalogue which I made the payments for. Got me a new phone - out of the catalogue - and I was supposed to en grateful /appreciative!! Op you need to see the light and get away from him. Agree he is making plans to appear as your carer!! You don't bloody need one!! You and ddog need to get rid ASAP. Confide in a colleague /boss if you need rl help.

I can't believe you pay for his child's 'spends' of £40 per month. Id be putting that towards your daughters wedding!

Sorry that came across as really harsh. You are doing brilliantly with recently seeing the situation for what it really is and taking steps to be independent and regain your income for yourself and not subsidise him and his family. Especially after only 6 months. Well done it can't be easy.

He’s living the life of Riley . Free money, sex o tap and the possibility , assisting him in supporting his children. He is using you

So he insists on you shelling out for his kids, but objects for you paying anything towards your own DD's wedding?

Cocklodger.

Move in to your new house and leave him behind

This. He's never going to leave you - why would he? But you can make a fresh start and leave this absolute CF behind.

Wow, he's really taking the piss. You can't put your daughter first but it's ok for h8s kids.

“We” does mean you OP when it comes to paying for things, and that includes the earrings!

His youngest could save his pocket money and the weights and guitar could come from eBay (although I guess he is expecting brand new NOW)

I’m hoping you do escape from being the “cash cow” for your cocklidger and his progeny.

Cocklodger!

Why did you even think about buying a house that is still far from your work? you are digging this pit for yourself I am afraid.

Stop digging. Climb out and take stock.

He seems to be bringing very little to the relationship apart from three entitled children.

No money, no financial fallback re assets, does he have a decent private pension?
All he seems to have contributed is a driving licence, and I bet you pay for the petrol, upkeep and insurance on the car!

You on the other hand have a job, a house, a work ethic, a bank account.....

I bet his all his children are compiling costly Xmas wish lists!

I would plan your exit for well before the end of December!

Hi OP. So sorry to hear of your awful situation. I agree with the overall sentiment here, that this awful man is bleeding you dry.

What does your daughter think of all this? Can she give you a bit of support to get you out of this situation? You are surely better off without that leech.

Surely it was you who ended up paying for the earrings? If not then he has the money to pay for his kids flights. I'm sorry to say this op but he is using you as a cash cow. You sound lovely and really deserve to be treated better

How was he going to pay for the job “training”?

HE HAS NO JOB! He didn't buy you anything, you bought them via him. 'We' don't give his son money for spends, you do. He is completely mugging you off.

What kind of man with dependent children just gives up a job and feels no shame in letting someone else fork out for them? How can he justify that to himself, or them, when they realise?

Can you clarify - he doesn't have any income, or savings that he's using?

"but you give it to dad to give to me."

What a sorry excuse for a man and a father.

I don't think a 13 year old needs a tenner a week tbh.

You do far too much for his kids and the earrings were to keep you sweet.

You are totally being taken advantage of.

You're on the right track now OP. Keep going and remember how much better life will be when you have you independence back, a lovely new place to live, you can enjoy spending your hard earned money on your daughter, her wedding and yourself!

It's healthy to put yourself first. You've ended up in a shit situation but I'm so glad you've asked for help here and have had loads of great support. It's MN at its best.

You sound really strong and resolved now, keep taking all the steps you need to to get free.

Hi op, just wondering how things are going?

OP, you sound like a good person who has been taken advantage of. In your shoes I’d leave as soon as I could and move nearer to my work. For him to start off like this is so disappointing and it’s clearly never going to get better. Please put yourself and your daughter first.

Did you move out and stop paying for him? I hope so. Hope you’re happy in your new home and have watched your daughter get married or have it to come.

If he has never been out of work before he would be able to claim jobseekers allowance on his NI contributions. not a lot of money but would make it clear to him that he is meant to be looking for work.