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Original poster

Expected to be the breadwinner

147 replies

Frex · 17/09/2018 13:13

Hi all,
I really just want some rational thoughts so I can work out whether I'm being unreasonable.
I have a grown-up daughter who is getting married next year. No other kids.
My OH has 3 teenagers, the older two of whom live abroad with their mum and the youngest is part-time with us.
I moved in 6 months ago and got a job quite far away. My OH insisted on giving up a job he hated so he could drive me to work and back. I went with this as he said this would give him the chance to train up for a career change.
Then in the summer his two older kids came to stay, and it cost us an absolute fortune. One of them insists on having nothing but brand-name clothes, and was bought quite a few of these. Then we went camping, which I thought would be a cheap holiday, but they chose to eat out rather than cook at the campsite. We also did lots of activities with them, which I was glad to do so they would have fun with their dad.
I'm having to get a loan to pay what I can towards my daughter's wedding. My OH says I shouldn't pay anything but this isn't negotiable as it's something I really want to do.
I don't want to be financially responsible for all of our kids. I get that he wants his kids to have a good time when they're with us. There's a lot of guilt involved on his part, and a lot of love.
But I want to put my own daughter first, and I want to be able to buy myself new clothes and things without having to put his kids' needs before mine.
I bought into this set-up knowing he had 3 kids, but I had no idea how expensive other people's kids are to run. I brought my daughter up on the cheap and she doesn't seem to have suffered much. But I think the climate has changed since she was young enough to be demanding.
Last night I asked him to start applying for jobs, but he said he likes driving me to work and spending quality time with me. True? Maybe. Or maybe he's just got used to all the free time :-)
How should I handle this situation, or should I just suck it up since I got myself into it? I'd love to hear what you guys think, especially the other stepmums out there.
Cheers, Frex

OP posts:
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RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 21:57

How is he managing to pay his ex the child maintenance for the under-18 now he has taken early retirement?

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 18/09/2018 22:03

My OH insisted on giving up a job he hated so he could drive me to work and back

So who has been paying his child support??you?

youbrokemytwatometer · 18/09/2018 22:12

"My OH has 3 teenagers, the older two of whom live abroad with their mum and the youngest is part-time with us"

Not really relevant, but I take it the youngest has a different mum to the older two? I wonder why he's not with any of the mothers anymore?

noenergy · 19/09/2018 20:13

You need to start thinking about yourself and your DD. Don't spend on your earnings on him and his kids.

Original poster
Frex · 19/09/2018 21:57

I’ve told him how I feel and that his kids won’t be coming over until he gets a job to pay for their flights. I hope I can keep up the momentum and extract myself if he doesn’t get off his butt. Thanks so much for all the encouragement and support. Without you guys I’d still be feeling selfish and mean. Thank you!

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 19/09/2018 22:04

Is he not paying maintenance on his kids since he quit this job, OP?

Original poster
Frex · 20/09/2018 08:38

I don't get involved with the whole maintenance thing. It's not my business, and I have nothing to gain by asking about it. I actually don't think he should be expected to pay maintenance for the youngest, as we have him half the time and we do all the running to collect and drop him, take him to football and other activities even when he's with his mum. She chooses not to work, but she could do now he's old enough to look after himself.
Up until now I've been making sure the youngest gets his pocket money put away every week, as he's saving it for Christmas. But it hasn't gone in this week and when he asked me about it last night I told him to see his dad about it. And he came back with "but you give it to dad to give to me."
So now DP knows he needs to be looking for jobs, and I need to send in my application for fares to work, and it goes from there. If I cut out the need for him to drive me to work, I know I'll lose the rag if he sits at home doing nothing.
I've looked at buying a house close to work, but I can't afford to. So I'll look into renting next.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 20/09/2018 11:15

You're doing really well

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 20/09/2018 12:47

It is OK you are putting yourself first op!!
If his dc know you are handing over your hard earned cash so he looks good that's terrible!!
He is no role model by them at all is he?

Ariclock · 20/09/2018 14:27

Well done on taking the first steps and standing up for yourself. You'll be able to give money to your daughter towards her wedding once you have less dependants on your wage Wine

YourHandInMyHand · 20/09/2018 15:02

Do you work for a fairly big company? Some larger employers may have help and advice on local landlords or assistance with your journey. I know that varies though and is not a given in all work places.

I don't know if it's only regional but Places for People is a housing association for working adults. There is likely more than just one housing association in your area so have a thorough look into what others are near your workplace. Also ask the local authority for their list of accredited private landlords too, then email them all and explain you work full time, have a fully trained and well behaved service dog, and are looking for a long term tenancy. I have a dog and always offer a little extra deposit as a sign of good faith, never had any problems.

Good luck OP. Stand firm on not letting him continue to sponge off you. Tell him to crack on with job hunting and tell him if he does get a job before you have travel sorted you will just do the long commute until you do get it sorted, finding a job is his priority not being a SAHD to a child who's only there half the time (and I'm guessing is not a tiny child). He's royally taking this piss!

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 20/09/2018 15:03

OP you don't need to disclose to any estate agents that you have an assistance dog as it isn't classed as a pet. It's also against the law for them to deny you a property for having one. The 2010 equality act to be precise is what they'd be breaking. I'm in the process of getting an assistance dog and also live in a rented house. I've had to look into this a fair bit.

HeckyPeck · 20/09/2018 17:29

OP you don't need to disclose to any estate agents that you have an assistance dog as it isn't classed as a pet.

Yep. You don’t ever need to tell them you have an assistance dog. They have no right to know.

Blendingrock · 24/09/2018 03:43

he is planning to move in with me.

Is this this by mutual agreement/did you ask him to or has he just assumed? How do you feel about it? Doesn't sound like you want him to. If that's the case, don't do it.

I pay the rent and bills at the moment.
And everything else by the sounds of it.

I feel cornered
Go with your gut feeling.

Sorry OP, he's done a lovely job of getting you exactly where he wants you.

You provided him an easy out from a job he hated.
He said he wanted to retrain, but hasn't.
You are supporting him and his 3 teenagers (when they are with you).
You can't afford it.
You are having to compromise what you want to do for your daughter because of it.
He won't look for a job.
You feel used and trapped.

I think the vote is unanimous on this one, and in your heart, you know what you need to do. You've only been living with him for 6 months and you feel like this. It's not going to get better, it will get worse as he gets more entrenched.

Buy a house close to work or at least so you can get there easily on public transport. DON'T let him move in under any circumstances.
Learn to drive - then you will won't be dependent on him or anyone else.
Tell him you feel used and taken advantage of, it's not ok and it has to stop. Tell him if he wants to be with you, he has to get a job, he has to be support himself and his children. You are not his Mother, or his ATM. You are not his children's Mother or their ATM.

Frankly he should be ashamed of himself.

Jlynhope · 24/09/2018 04:13

You are way too good for him! And the fact he thinks you shouldn't help your own child financially but should pay for his is horrifically selfish.

SusieQ5604 · 24/09/2018 04:21

Quitting his job to drive you to yours is CRAZY.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 24/09/2018 04:29

So proud of you OP. You are doing a great job at making long term plans, but actively putting in place boundaries to make life in the short term better.

It all must feel scary - but you can do it! You are doing it!

Original poster
Frex · 24/09/2018 08:55

I don't think he gets it at all. He bought me some beautiful gold earrings on Friday, and I love them, but I'd rather that money was spent on his kids, booking flights for Christmas or something. It felt like keep the cash cow sweet, but perhaps I've gone too cynical now.
Places for People looks like a great opportunity for me to find a place near work. They are my best hope at the minute.
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frex · 24/09/2018 08:58

We give the youngest £10 per week spends (is this about right for a 13-year-old), and on Saturday his dad bought him an LED light for his room and a £15 xBox voucher. Then straight away he asked for some weights and a guitar, and his dad said we would buy them for him, but for once I said no. I told him if he was serious about learning the guitar, to join the music club at school and if he liked it we would go halves on a guitar if he saved up the rest. I know I'm over-stepping things here, but his dad won't do it.

OP posts:
Artofpretending · 24/09/2018 09:08

Whose money paid for the earrings?

When he said ‘we’ will pay for weights and a guitar, presumably he means you.

Agree this can’t go on. Even taking out the fact your h is not earning, I don’t understand the kind of parenting where a child asks for something and just gets it. It’s not healthy.

BobLemon · 24/09/2018 14:54

You are fantastic, OP.

Well done for standing up to this cocklodger.

He isn’t unemployed, I don’t think. His employment now is as your personal driver, and he expects to be well kept for it Angry

I hope you can get transport help elsewhere, or just back on public transport a couple of days a week, as him exclusively driving you will isolate you from your own independence.

Best of luck with everything xx

Hissy · 24/09/2018 15:37

He very much tossed you a bone (that YOU paid for) definitely a case of keeping the cash cow sweet

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 24/09/2018 19:51

Your instincts are correct - he's keeping his cash cow sweet.

FishesThatFly · 24/09/2018 19:55

How did he pay for earings when he doesn't have a job? Think you'll find that YOU paid for your own gift.

BlueBug45 · 25/09/2018 08:02

OP while you may think his son is a good child and deserves more, he isn't your responsibility. So you need to leave asap before you create a stronger bond with this boy for both your sakes. It isn't fair on either of you what his father, your partner, has done.