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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Expected to be the breadwinner

147 replies

Frex · 17/09/2018 13:13

Hi all,
I really just want some rational thoughts so I can work out whether I'm being unreasonable.
I have a grown-up daughter who is getting married next year. No other kids.
My OH has 3 teenagers, the older two of whom live abroad with their mum and the youngest is part-time with us.
I moved in 6 months ago and got a job quite far away. My OH insisted on giving up a job he hated so he could drive me to work and back. I went with this as he said this would give him the chance to train up for a career change.
Then in the summer his two older kids came to stay, and it cost us an absolute fortune. One of them insists on having nothing but brand-name clothes, and was bought quite a few of these. Then we went camping, which I thought would be a cheap holiday, but they chose to eat out rather than cook at the campsite. We also did lots of activities with them, which I was glad to do so they would have fun with their dad.
I'm having to get a loan to pay what I can towards my daughter's wedding. My OH says I shouldn't pay anything but this isn't negotiable as it's something I really want to do.
I don't want to be financially responsible for all of our kids. I get that he wants his kids to have a good time when they're with us. There's a lot of guilt involved on his part, and a lot of love.
But I want to put my own daughter first, and I want to be able to buy myself new clothes and things without having to put his kids' needs before mine.
I bought into this set-up knowing he had 3 kids, but I had no idea how expensive other people's kids are to run. I brought my daughter up on the cheap and she doesn't seem to have suffered much. But I think the climate has changed since she was young enough to be demanding.
Last night I asked him to start applying for jobs, but he said he likes driving me to work and spending quality time with me. True? Maybe. Or maybe he's just got used to all the free time :-)
How should I handle this situation, or should I just suck it up since I got myself into it? I'd love to hear what you guys think, especially the other stepmums out there.
Cheers, Frex

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Holidayshopping · 18/09/2018 14:33

My OH insisted on giving up a job he hated so he could drive me to work and back.

I couldn’t get past this tbh. What the hell are you doing with this user?

SPLIT UP WITH HIM NOW and don’t let him anywhere near your new house or your money.

Waddsup12 · 18/09/2018 14:39

He's not unemployed as he's not looking for work, he's economically inactive.

I'm a SAHW and I would never dream of taking the piss out of my DH like that. And I contribute hugely via a business and other stuff.

HeckyPeck · 18/09/2018 14:54

Is it possible for you to look for a house to buy nearer to where you work?

famousfour · 18/09/2018 18:17

Have you sat down with him and explained that you aren’t prepared to be the breadwinner and support him and his children. What did he say?

Original poster

Frex · 18/09/2018 19:09

I’ve told him the kids are his responsibility not mine, which caused a huge argument in the summer.
I contacted Access to Work today and started the application process for fares to work. I also emailed a housing association near where I work.
But I’m still not sure if I’ll have the courage to move out and start from scratch on my own.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 18/09/2018 19:23

Please have the courage. We're here to support you.

Do you have family and friends to support IRL?

This man is a user. You have to break free or at the very least make it clear his children are his responsibility in every way shape or form.

UnicornSparkles1 · 18/09/2018 19:42

It's absolutely ridiculous that he feels he can argue with you about who is responsible for HIS children.

What a cheeky, grabby, shameless fucker.

Please have the courage to walk away @Frex, you deserve so much better.

Jeippinghmip · 18/09/2018 19:45

Wishing you strength to leave this vile parasite. 🌻🌻🌻

Original poster

Frex · 18/09/2018 19:47

No family or friends nearby, and I’m shy and don’t make friends easily. But I’m not living the life I want, so something has to give. Thanks for all the encouragement. I really need it :-)

OP posts:

Ariclock · 18/09/2018 19:47

You can do this, we're all rooting for you. It sounds like your confidence is very low right now but things will get better once you move out. Also, think how much more money you will have when you're free of him

UnicornSparkles1 · 18/09/2018 19:51

You've made friends here I think you can make friends easier than you think x

eddielizzard · 18/09/2018 19:55

I really don't get why he thinks it's your responsibility to pay for his children. That are not your children. And not help your own children. So that you only help his children. Bizarre.

Hissy · 18/09/2018 20:00

My god what an amazing woman you are OP! I’m in awe of you!

I know you’re shy and this whole thing is daunting, but anyone meeting you would immediately see the kind of person you are! I really hope you’re able to get help with the fAres and can get your life back under your control.

LeftRightCentre · 18/09/2018 20:12

But I’m still not sure if I’ll have the courage to move out and start from scratch on my own.

Of course you do! You got your daughter, too, you know. He's not worth what you'd like to give to your daughter. You can do this. He's a using loser. He saw you coming.

Hoppinggreen · 18/09/2018 20:19

You’re not on your own OP - you’ve got a dog!
Joking aside though you can do this, this man is using you and you don’t need his freeloading arse in your life ( or his kids)

llangennith · 18/09/2018 20:36

Move as near as you can to your place of work and you'll meet people via your assistance dog.
Not the same as your situation but I live alone and have a dog and I've always found that people want to chat when I'm out with the dog.

confusedmomm · 18/09/2018 20:53

Just read the whole post. He expects you to pay £500 for his DS and GF flights and all the rest once they are there, but doesn't think you should help YOUR daughter with her wedding?
That's what got me. She is your daughter she comes first. You def need to get the courage to move out. Ive worked in property and rooms won't take dogs simply because it's not fair on the other housemates - if you however rent a whole flat out yourself then you'll easily find something. move and start over even if it isn't easy for you, it will be much much better for you in the long run.

confusedmomm · 18/09/2018 20:55

I also have a dog and find I meet people through walking dog - when we last moved our first contacts came from that.

In my hometown there is a saying which translates into 'better alone than in bad company' with bad being all sorts, but def applying in this case

youbrokemytwatometer · 18/09/2018 20:57

OP, have you asked him why he thinks you shouldn't contribute to your daughters wedding? Was he really ridiculous enough to say he s reasoning is that you can't afford it to? What is his justification for any of this?

43percentburnt · 18/09/2018 21:04

Just read your post and he is a cock!

Doesn’t expect you to help your dd pay for her wedding but expects you to pay for his sons girlfriends flights and got the huff when you said no!

Cheeky fucker!

Can you try turning up to view a place with your assistance dog? But don’t mention the dog until you meet? Maybe when a landlord meets you and realises your dog is trained they will be ok? Does your dog go to work with you? Maybe point that out. Alternatively house share until you buy? Rent a room off someone.

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 21:09

I would find it hard to make friends if my DH insisted on picking me up from work every day. No random going to a pub / cafe / park / event with people after work. Sounds like he is using the driving to control and isolate you as well as it being a cocklodging action.

You may be shy but I bet that if you decided to have 6 month push on friend making when you've moved then you'd be fine. It would be hard but worth it.

Why not buy a small flat easy commute from work rather than a house an hour away?

cheesefield · 18/09/2018 21:09

Oh OP. This is the worst case of cocklodging I have ever read on MN.

Leave him. Do not let him move to your new house. I'm actually disgusted by him reading this.

olderwhynotwiser · 18/09/2018 21:42

He has 3 kids of his own but he's packed his job in because he likes quality time driving you to work? Eh??? You should not accept responsibility for the whole financial load just because you knew he had kids. If he found work himself there would be more opportunity for real quality time for all of you. Once he has driven you to work what does he do while you are working? If you are taking on the whole financial load i hope he is taking on the lions share of the home load cooking cleaning washing ext?

Loopytiles · 18/09/2018 21:51

Moving out and close to work (NOT the compromise halfway) on your own may well be hard, yes, but nowhere near as hard as the financial costs and (unnecessary) loss of independence you have already incurred. If you stay, it will be much harder.

NeverTwerkNaked · 18/09/2018 21:54

He’s completely taking advantage of you. Absolutely out of order to expect you to find all sorts of luxuries for his children. Let alone go create an atmosphere when you say o.

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