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Original poster

To feel fed up

110 replies

LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 20:09

Please don’t flame me I just need a little moan.

I have two step kids and they live 150 miles away. Husband works in same town as them in the week. Was seeing them one night in the week and comes home every weekend EOW he brings his kids with him.

I have been with their dad nearly 9 years and they are 11 and 13 (a bit immature for their age and not streetwise at all).

A few weeks ago DH driving licence was revoked (I posted about this then elsewhere) due to a medical condition - this was a bit out of the blue and we are doing everything we can to sort it (has managed to get his appt moved forward with the consultant).

He asked his ex wife if she could meet me half way to help with the travel (it’s a five hour round trip) the day we got the letter we had the kids so I had no choice but to take them home.

She has since refused to do any driving at all. When she does agree to do some driving she usually pulls out last minute with some shit excuse leaving me no choice but to take them. I do have a bad back from major back surgery in my teens and have quite bad sciatica so doing regular 5 hour drives isn’t great.

This weekend I drove to OH and I stayed in his room Friday night, went to get the kids and took them and DH back to his room (it’s literally one room so not appropriate for me to stay there with them). His ex said she would collect them in town on the Sunday. Which is about a 5 mile drive each way.

Sunday morning (I had left) she texts to say that she has had sciatica (I have no idea if she does or not) and won’t be driving. Leaving DH to take the kids across on the ferry and then into town and putting them on a bus route they haven’t been on alone before (and having to pay about a tenner bus fare).

I am so so pissed off as apart from that being totally unfair on the kids I am now put in a position where I either do the drive or we don’t see the kids (the train is long and difficult for a weekend with numerous stops and also expensive).

Pah Sad

OP posts:
ThanksHunkyJesus · 11/09/2018 22:16

BUT I would suffer it, because his kids are far more important than me.

So you say, from up in your ivory tower. All members of the family are equally important, just with different needs at different times.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 11/09/2018 22:17

And thanks so much for pointing out my options that I was already totally aware of.

As I said in the first sentance of my OP I wanted a moan.

It’s shit and crap and I am pissed off and frustrated.

I am sick of always being the bigger person and I actually miss my husband andvwant to spend time with him.

I will not apologise for that as I have done everything I can so far to make sure the kids still see him - bar walking over hot coals like some of the saints on here of course.

OP posts:
Wheresthel1ght · 11/09/2018 22:19

I do, I also look after his kids and do all the running around when their contact rota falls on days he is working.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 11/09/2018 22:20

So he lives there but does nothing to help?

OP posts:
Wheresthel1ght · 11/09/2018 22:21

Hunky - no they are not equal. Contact with his kids trumps time with his wife

Wheresthel1ght · 11/09/2018 22:26

Absolutely not. But you asked who runs the house. That is me.

He does chores and when he isn't on shift and I am he will do whatever is on the jobs list that needs doing. Its called being a team.

However.his contact time with his kids is more important than whether we have had dinner together in the last month. It's not about medals or ivory towers. It's about knowing the sacrifices I would have to make when I entered into a relationship with a man who had kids from a previous relationship. It is about accepting that whilst I am important to him (as is our joint dd) that his older kids are also important and that in the event that a situation arose whereby he needed to stay away in order to maintain contact because bringing them home was a logistical issue then we would have to deal with it and find a way that worked for the kids

Original poster
LadyRussell · 11/09/2018 22:29

He does chores and when he isn't on shift and I am he will do whatever is on the jobs list that needs doing. Its called being a team

Totally different to living 150 miles apart.

OP posts:
Wheresthel1ght · 11/09/2018 22:31

You have been offered compromises options, you have found reasons to dismiss each and every one.

I am bowing out because you are clearly wallowing and only interested in the "poor you" and "exw is a knob" posts so go ahead and wallow.

But you knew what you were getting into so you made your bed. Lie in it or leave

helpmum2003 · 11/09/2018 22:36

LadyRussell I'm sorry you're in such a rubbish situation.

In the longer term maybe speak to a solicitor about responsibility for access etc as ex- wife moved.

Short term it's rubbish.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 11/09/2018 22:42

Bloody hell op. You sound a bit........scrappy. Hmm

Original poster
LadyRussell · 12/09/2018 00:55

Not scrappy no.

Just having a little whinge about a shitty situation.

Not really asking to be told to “suck it up” “you made your bed” or that I should think myself lucky to see my husband twice a month Smile

OP posts:
swingofthings · 12/09/2018 07:04

Moaning is fine but you are angry and turning it at the wrong person. Your oh needs to step up. If he can take the train to go to work and back he can do the same with his kids and that's what the ex will be thinking too.

Also you say she got her licence not that long ago maybe she is nervous doing the drive which includes taking a ferry? That soon will likely be in the darkness?

Yes life sometimes is crap when a health condition restrict us but that's life for many people. In your case it is likely to be only temporary. So nothing wrong feeling the need to moan but don't let it make you feel victimised.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 12/09/2018 07:34

I am not moaning at the wrong person believe me.

And she can’t read this.

OP posts:
NotHereToJudge · 12/09/2018 08:03

Wheresthel1ght
Just curious
So if you were in that situation you'd have your joint DD lose her time with her dad? Or would you suggest he went to stay with him when he went to visit other children?
It's great saying you knew what you were getting yourself into, but I didn't know at all!!! No one can prepare for how hard it is for all the thankless tasks as a SM.
Yes I knew my Dp had a daughter but I didn't know how much that would change everything in my life.

Give OP a break she just wants to sound off abit. We've all been there as SM and we should all be there for each other.
I hate how this forum has become so negative about SM, we should be able to come here and get honest genuine advice without the rubbish of "suck it up" and "you made your bed"

How is that ever helpful? Someone has come for help and a bit of a moan ... so what??? Support her, show her that she isn't in the wrong for not wanting to lose her husbands time even more when she clearly has to share a lot of him with other commitments, that's ok to feel that way people. It's not her fault/issue to fix and quite frankly they are taking the p*ss our of her good nature!!

SM are humans, we are allowed to feel put out, hurt, Miss our DP

swingofthings · 12/09/2018 08:24

We can sympathise with OP situation and stress without agreeing that it is the responsibility of someone else to change their habits and ways to accommodate OP's situation.

So yes I do feel for you OP not nice to feel obliged to do all that travelling for your OP but no I don't think the ex is unreasonable for not agreeing to help to make your life easier if it means making hers harder.

Wheresthel1ght · 12/09/2018 08:30

She would get the same time with him that I would... Half his availability same as his older kids.

No one is saying its easy or that she doesn't have the right to moan but when every constructive suggestion is dismissed in favour of slagging off the exw then it goes beyond moaning.

Dps exw is a nightmare, so i do get the frustration. But equally it isn't her job to be running around (nor is it ops) but there is a very easy solution that she refuses to acknowledge.

She is a forces wife judging by comments, this is something she knew could be an issue when she married him so yes there is a degree of having to suck it up.

And when you get together with a person who already has kids you know full well you will never be the number 1 and nor should you expect to be. If you do you are in the wrong relationship.

NotHereToJudge · 12/09/2018 08:38

I know I'd never be "number 1" in his life and I'd never want to be, just like he isn't my number 1 anymore since we've had a baby. My child is my number 1.
I'm saying it's unrealistic to say you know what you were letting yourself into because I didn't know how hard it is to become a mother figure to his DD without allowed to parent or have any say in anything but be expected to do everything and treat her as my own but never act like her Mam.
That's very hard thing to do and not something you really know until you're in that situation

I do agree with you both that it's not fair to bash the EW at all, however the EX moved away from them, she should as a decent human help out with making sure her kids see their dad.
If the dad needs to put kids first then she should be too.

powerwalk · 12/09/2018 08:46

No, you can’t do that drive anymore. The children can take the coach, yes it is long but they probably have more energy than you or the train. It is for your dh to sort out, this really isn’t your problem. You have helped up to now but I would stop. Rod and back come to mind. Let him make the arrangements

powerwalk · 12/09/2018 08:48

I works also consider relocating to where your husband works if you want to spend more time together

swingofthings · 12/09/2018 09:25

I'm not totally convinced it's the ex who moved away. Might have some move on both sides. If indeed they were living where OP is and the ex took off 2 1/2 away for her own benefit then yes she is being very unreasonable not to make an effort as this situation wouldn't have arisen otherwise. Just seem odd OP's OH would have happened to be based just where his ex happened to live miles away from home.

Need to remember all around that the situation is likely to be only temporary.

WhiteCat1704 · 12/09/2018 09:26

I know I'd never be "number 1" in his life and I'd never want to be, just like he isn't my number 1 anymore since we've had a baby. My child is my number 1.

Bleh...that's so wrong..and poor child...
I love my child with all I have got but my DH is my life companion and his status is at least equal to that of our child..
Obviously while children are young and dependant their needs are a top priority but to make them into your "number one" is a first step to spousification

www.divorcemag.com/blog/effects-of-spousification-on-a-child/

NotHereToJudge · 12/09/2018 09:29

I might have read it wrong but I thought it said she moved away but what you say makes sense

NotHereToJudge · 12/09/2018 09:30

*Whitecat
*
Don't you worry yourself about me because I'm not worried about you.

Oswin · 12/09/2018 11:06

Not here Op hasnt answered my post. I was under the impression the dh has to travel for work then was based near the family, then he met Op and has to travel there.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 12/09/2018 13:14

No - he requested a move to be near his kids in the week, he was based much further away from all of us.

OP posts: