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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To feel fed up

110 replies

LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 20:09

Please don’t flame me I just need a little moan.

I have two step kids and they live 150 miles away. Husband works in same town as them in the week. Was seeing them one night in the week and comes home every weekend EOW he brings his kids with him.

I have been with their dad nearly 9 years and they are 11 and 13 (a bit immature for their age and not streetwise at all).

A few weeks ago DH driving licence was revoked (I posted about this then elsewhere) due to a medical condition - this was a bit out of the blue and we are doing everything we can to sort it (has managed to get his appt moved forward with the consultant).

He asked his ex wife if she could meet me half way to help with the travel (it’s a five hour round trip) the day we got the letter we had the kids so I had no choice but to take them home.

She has since refused to do any driving at all. When she does agree to do some driving she usually pulls out last minute with some shit excuse leaving me no choice but to take them. I do have a bad back from major back surgery in my teens and have quite bad sciatica so doing regular 5 hour drives isn’t great.

This weekend I drove to OH and I stayed in his room Friday night, went to get the kids and took them and DH back to his room (it’s literally one room so not appropriate for me to stay there with them). His ex said she would collect them in town on the Sunday. Which is about a 5 mile drive each way.

Sunday morning (I had left) she texts to say that she has had sciatica (I have no idea if she does or not) and won’t be driving. Leaving DH to take the kids across on the ferry and then into town and putting them on a bus route they haven’t been on alone before (and having to pay about a tenner bus fare).

I am so so pissed off as apart from that being totally unfair on the kids I am now put in a position where I either do the drive or we don’t see the kids (the train is long and difficult for a weekend with numerous stops and also expensive).

Pah Sad

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 11/09/2018 06:37

I can see why you are frustrated with the situation.

I think DH needs to do the trips on public transport. Unless shared travel was arranged as part of residency agreements then just because he's lost his licence at the moment doesn't change it from his responsibility to his ex's. After a few months maybe they'll have the knowledge and confidence to be dropped off at the station and do the travelling independently.

Stepparentchallenges · 11/09/2018 06:38

Family railcards are good and can save you fortune for trains.

I do understand how hard jr is for you one hand you are suffering with siatica on the other you don't want him to miss out with the kids.

Personally I have learnt from experience if you start it now and atart doing all the driving it won't stop and the expectation will always be there (especially if he doesn't get his licence back.) I was do 4 hour round trips EOW on Fridays to collect and Sundays to drop off. And I do know that is Less tiring for them than getting endless trains and changes as ours had to aswell.

Who you consider maybe moving there for a while if he did permanently lose his licence? At least that way driving to collect isn't far? Presuming he doesn't have any family there if she was the one who moved, as If he djd could you possibly stay there?
Other solution would be could you drive up the Friday and stay in his place, visit the kids the Saturday and then stay at his and drive back Sunday. It breaks the journey up enough, he gets to see the kids for the day they just have to go home (seeing as ex with is not cooperating) and then you get some you time together. What he isn't paying in fuel to come home can be given to you for your fuel.

I know how frustrating it is when they ex wife's won't help, unfortunately I don't think she will change if she isn't now. I was 8months heavily pregnant and she still expected me to do the 4 hour round trip Friday and Sunday refusing to meet us half way at least. I then had a c section and she still refused to be or any help. I had our son the Wednesday and she still expected him to have them overnight thag Friday until Sunday. If he even attempted the train he would still need to make the 10 mike journey to the next town for the station plus leave me with w newborn, 2 year old and massively struggling after the c section. So some woman just are selfish.

You have every right to be angry you are doing what you can to try and help and she won't even compromise to doing jr once a month.

I really hope it all works out for you x

swingofthings · 11/09/2018 07:15

Losing your licence is a real pain and makes us realise how dependent we are on our cars. I had medical investigation donecthat could have resulted in my licence being revoked at least temporary and it would have been a nightmare.

However it is HIS problem do resolve. Yes if hexwas friendly with his ex shed probably help but they are not so that's how it. So he is left with two options and he is fortunate to do so. He can stay at his flat or take public transport. It is more expensive? That's the consequences of his medical situation. It would have been more expensive too if he had to use public transport to go to work to the same that it is more expensive to have a flat where he works because of having chosen to move away.

If the problem is sleep apnea than hopefully he'll get a cpap machine and if weight is an contributing factor he can lose weight so hopefully it is only a temporary issue anyway.

Frustrating not to be helped in difficult times but you can't expect people who don't care about you to do so.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 11/09/2018 07:23

He doesn’t have a flat he lives where he works and there is no cost.

I did feel pissed off that she texted him asking him to fix her laptop for her which he agreed to do which I thought was taking the absolute piss tbh.

I can’t move we own a house here, I have a full time job/career and my 16 yr old, youngest of my kids still lives with me - hence I don’t really enjoy a five hour drive on a Friday night.

I am trying to make it easy for him and for the kids - that’s the point.

OP posts:
Snitzelvoncrumb · 11/09/2018 07:41

I guess you have to keep driving them. They are lucky to have you.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 11/09/2018 08:13

Oh my god what a fucking pile on. Did everyone miss the fact the ex moved away? Op if I were you I'd feel it was crunch time. If it's never been to court I would suggest thinking about going, to aim to get her to do half the driving. She moved away, she's also partly responsible for maintaining her children's relationship with their father. If your dh doesn't want to I'd have to rethink your relationship as it suggests he's putting her needs ahead of yours.

Whoever brought up that your dh works in the forces is a right piece of work. What right do you think you have to do that?

Singlenotsingle · 11/09/2018 08:43

That's silly talk hunkyJesus. No court will order the ex to get involved in the driving. All she has to do is make the DC available, which she does. But I would agree that if OP does all the driving now, that will create an expectation that she will continue to do it forevermore.

Is there a coach between the two towns, maybe, OP?

RandomMess · 11/09/2018 09:02

Courts do make some resident parents share the driving especially if they have moved away!

ThanksHunkyJesus · 11/09/2018 09:17

Shows how much you know. The courts ordered 50% of the travel to each party in our case because the ex moved away a significant distance. The same for one of my male friends. The mother isn't automatically immune to sharing the travel.

NotHereToJudge · 11/09/2018 09:19

Ifiwereabird
Shut up! What are you talking about? This isn't about you nor should someone be told to suck it up because someone else has been through something they perceive as harder!!!

OP
You're doing amazing and ignore those haters, people expect so much from SM and we are all told to deal with it! You've gone above and beyond to put the kids first and take over the duties.
I would talk to your husband and tell him that he and his ex need to sort something out. As your husband he should be putting your feelings before his ex problems.
What if you didn't drive? They would have to come up with alternative ways.
I would FaceTime or Skype until licence is sorted and Maybe the ex will get up and help more when she realises that she doesn't get any free time or that her demands or silly and very unfair on you, your husband and most importantly their children.

Homemadearmy · 11/09/2018 09:34

How does meeting half way help much? As your husband would still have to get public transport home? Unless the ex wife pick him up aswell.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 11/09/2018 09:39

They are cabable of being in the same car together.

She once had a boyfriend in our town and I used to pick her up with the kids and drop her off there a few years ago when I was sometimes doing the driving as she didn’t drive.

OP posts:
Oswin · 11/09/2018 13:21

Hold on did the ex move away? Because im sure he moved for work, then moved even further to live with Op?

SandyY2K · 11/09/2018 14:20

Apologies if it's been mentioned..but Addison Lee taxi drivers could be an option.

It's a long drive tbh. Not great for the kids and they'll sleep well because they're tired.

Options are moving closer to them.

SandyY2K · 11/09/2018 14:23

Just seen you have a child too...so can't move.

In that case look after your health. No more driving or your back will get worse.

Veganfortheanimals · 11/09/2018 17:29

Surely the obvious solution is for dh to stay in the town where his kids live ,2 weekends a month and take them out for days on Saturday and Sunday...would that not make the most sense ? Or am I missing something

Original poster
LadyRussell · 11/09/2018 18:01

Yes I am sure the majority of people in RL who only spend 8 days a month with their spouse would happily half that to once a fortnight - I can’t see any problem at all - why on earth would we want to see each other? Hmm

OP posts:
Homemadearmy · 11/09/2018 18:49

Hopefully he’ll get his license back before to long. How does he get home on the weeks he doesn’t have the children?

Original poster
LadyRussell · 11/09/2018 18:59

He gets the train. He has a railcard from work but it doesn’t cover the kids.

OP posts:
Stepparentchallenges · 11/09/2018 19:28

@LadyRussell you can buy a family railcard for something like £30 a year that will give discount of him travelling with them. And then he can use his single one when on his own. Would you be able to afford a B and B or something in there home town if you went up on the weekend he had the kids? That way you can break the journey and take them kids to
Him? Xx

Homemadearmy · 11/09/2018 20:46

You can get a family rail card with Tesco points, they occasionally do a free trial, but I think that’s in the spring.

Wheresthel1ght · 11/09/2018 21:31

Due to dp and I working different shift patterns we get 1 weekend in 6 together and then 2 other half weekends together - works out as 4 datus every 6 weeks together.

If for some reason he needed to be away for half of those in order to spend time with his kids then yes, I would bloody hate it. BUT I would suffer it, because his kids are far more important than me. I am an adult, I am perfectly capable of entertaining myself, reconciling that his kids are important and that our relationship is strong enough to survive.

You may not like it, but you have to make sacrifices when you are a step parent. This is one of those times. He has to maintain his contact and if you aren't prepared to do the driving (which I get) and public transport is not a viable option then he doesn't have a choice.

Like it or not his kids should be his priority.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 11/09/2018 21:48

Due to dp and I working different shift patterns we get 1 weekend in 6 together and then 2 other half weekends together - works out as 4 datus every 6 weeks together

VERY different to being 150 miles apart.

And good for you - have a medal. My husband and I have spent years of our relationship with no contact at all and we are trying to enjoy this time before that happens again with and without his children (because y’know they actually like coming here and spending time with their family here).

OP posts:
Wheresthel1ght · 11/09/2018 22:03

Not different when they are the only times we see each other.

Seriously you are refusing to consider any options people are putting to you.

It doesn't matter whether the kids all want to see each other. While ever he can't drive then you have 2 options you do the driving or he stays there on his contact weekends.

Like it or not those are your options, it's not ideal but he has to maintain his contact.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 11/09/2018 22:13

Wheresthel1ght

Who runs the house? Neither of you?

OP posts: