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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To feel fed up

110 replies

LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 20:09

Please don’t flame me I just need a little moan.

I have two step kids and they live 150 miles away. Husband works in same town as them in the week. Was seeing them one night in the week and comes home every weekend EOW he brings his kids with him.

I have been with their dad nearly 9 years and they are 11 and 13 (a bit immature for their age and not streetwise at all).

A few weeks ago DH driving licence was revoked (I posted about this then elsewhere) due to a medical condition - this was a bit out of the blue and we are doing everything we can to sort it (has managed to get his appt moved forward with the consultant).

He asked his ex wife if she could meet me half way to help with the travel (it’s a five hour round trip) the day we got the letter we had the kids so I had no choice but to take them home.

She has since refused to do any driving at all. When she does agree to do some driving she usually pulls out last minute with some shit excuse leaving me no choice but to take them. I do have a bad back from major back surgery in my teens and have quite bad sciatica so doing regular 5 hour drives isn’t great.

This weekend I drove to OH and I stayed in his room Friday night, went to get the kids and took them and DH back to his room (it’s literally one room so not appropriate for me to stay there with them). His ex said she would collect them in town on the Sunday. Which is about a 5 mile drive each way.

Sunday morning (I had left) she texts to say that she has had sciatica (I have no idea if she does or not) and won’t be driving. Leaving DH to take the kids across on the ferry and then into town and putting them on a bus route they haven’t been on alone before (and having to pay about a tenner bus fare).

I am so so pissed off as apart from that being totally unfair on the kids I am now put in a position where I either do the drive or we don’t see the kids (the train is long and difficult for a weekend with numerous stops and also expensive).

Pah Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 22:22

I couldn’t care less where you have been.

You know what’s been going on in my life do you? Have intimate knowledge of my husband’s job and Work history?

Which I did not choose to bring up on this thread.

OP posts:
Snitzelvoncrumb · 10/09/2018 22:23

Let the kids use public transport.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 10/09/2018 22:24

Ok well 2 weekends a month, temporarily, is still very much fine. You’ll cope, he’ll cope. You’re adults. You have phones.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 22:27

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan

How are your comments actually helpful or supportive - or are you just deliberately being goady?

OP posts:
IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 10/09/2018 22:28

I’m telling you it will be fine!! How is that not helpful! Or do you just want to whinge and not actually feel better about it?

Snitzelvoncrumb · 10/09/2018 22:51

It really doesn't matter why the kids live so far away. I wouldn't have driven 5 hours, either mum meets you half way or suggest your oh go with them on the train a couple of times then let them go on their own. Perhaps telling mum she needs to meet them at the train stop at a particular time as they will be on their own might get her to offer to meet you half way.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 22:55

I did think about asking DH to text her and say we will be dropping them off here at x time and then going there and waiting round the corner till she arrives.

But then I thought that’s probably not very nice for the kids Confused

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 22:55

OP, we're trying to be helpful here. We've made lots of suggestions, but you don't seem to be happy with any of them. What do you think the answer is? When I said 2 and a half hours there and back, twice over the weekend, was too much you said it was fine.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 22:59

I said a 2.5 hour car journey once in a Friday and once on a Sunday is not terrible for the children. For me it’s a five hour round trip and there are no easy solutions. The kids don’t get in and cannot be trusted to behave in public transport without an adult.

In my op I said I wanted a little moan because I am feeling quite crap about it and frustrated that their Mother refuses to help and then berates OH if he doesn’t have them. None of this has been done on purpose.

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 10/09/2018 22:59

Why have you shoehorned a criticism of his kids into your OP; that they're immature and not streetwise? What does that have to do with long drives? Out of interest just how streetwise are 11 and 13 year olds expected to be?

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 23:00

*Don’t get on

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 23:01

why have you shoehorned a criticism of his kids into your OP; that they're immature and not streetwise? What does that have to do with long drives? Out of interest just how streetwise are 11 and 13 year olds expected to be

To make the point that we are unsure about them going on public transport alone on a long journey with no adult ... ?

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 23:04

I should imagine a 13 year old in London can probably catch the tube alone whereas my step kids live quite rurally and I am not sure would cope with changing trains etc.

Please don’t try to see fault where there is none Hmm

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 10/09/2018 23:07

It’s a tough situation, why doesn’t your DP take the train/bus with the kids back EOW?

It would be great if Ex helped but really there’s no obligation, on you or her. This is DPs responsibility pure and simple. Don’t take sides or take it on yourself.

Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 23:09

I think the only acceptable solution is that the ex should do her share of the driving, but she isn't going to, is she? And with the best will in the world, you can't make her! So, unless you dig your heels in, you're going to be lumbered with a whole shedload of driving. I wouldn't do it!

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 23:10

He can get public transport but it’s expensive and it takes a lot longer as lots of changes.

No she doesn’t have to help but IMO it’s both parents responsibility to enable the children access to a relationship with both parents and to leave DH in the lurch last Sunday was just crap really.

A few weeks ago she agreed to meet me halfway and then cancelled as I was leaving giving me no choice but to do the entire journey.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 10/09/2018 23:17

He will just have to take public transport then.

It’s not nice to bitch about the Ex for not helping, she’s bringing up the kids most of the time, and has her own life. Leave her alone!

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 23:20

It’s a bloody anonymous Internet forum - I haven’t posted her name and address.

If I want to have a moan about her doing no driving at all on here and that helps me then I will Hmm

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 10/09/2018 23:32

It's not the ex's fault. She didn't leave anyone in the lurch, she just wouldn't accommodate your wants. I actually would share the driving to make things easier for my kids but I can see why she wouldn't want to.

Living rurally and not having experience of the Tube doesn't make them immature or not streetwise. There's loads of threads on here from adults who express nervousness about using the tube. My nieces and nephews of similar ages live in small towns and wouldn't know where to start and I wouldn't expect them to. I live in London btw.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 23:37

Oh my god why are you trying to turn my comment into something nasty? It wasn’t- I was just making the point they would not be ok getting trains etc alone and I wouldn’t feel comfortable putting them in that position. I used to get the train from Bristol to London when I was 13, I was adventurous and had parents with lax boundaries.

The ex should not agree to do something she has no intention of doing, placing me in a situation where I have no choice but to do the whole drive - that’s shitty behaviour.

I personally could not - not help someone.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 10/09/2018 23:43

You do have a choice though.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 23:44

Yes I do have a choice and both options suck.

OP posts:
Homemadearmy · 11/09/2018 01:17

Have you looked into getting a family railcard it could make the journey more affordable, there is also a web page that helps you split tickets which can make it lots cheaper Aswell.
How does your dh he home on weekends that he doesn’t have the children?

Snitzelvoncrumb · 11/09/2018 01:39

You are making it too easy. If your oh has to take public transport with them he will probably be likely to find another solution.
You could offer to drive them half way, then put the kids on public transport for the remainder. If they don't have to change trains they should be ok. It might also encourage mum to meet half way if she doesn't think they are ready.

Figbiscuitsandtea · 11/09/2018 06:19

OP
You say posters don't know anything about your life (words to that effect),and it could also be said that you don't know what goes on in the mum's life.
You can't expect her to help out with driving if she has other things to do, especially if she hasn't moved from where she was.