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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To feel fed up

110 replies

LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 20:09

Please don’t flame me I just need a little moan.

I have two step kids and they live 150 miles away. Husband works in same town as them in the week. Was seeing them one night in the week and comes home every weekend EOW he brings his kids with him.

I have been with their dad nearly 9 years and they are 11 and 13 (a bit immature for their age and not streetwise at all).

A few weeks ago DH driving licence was revoked (I posted about this then elsewhere) due to a medical condition - this was a bit out of the blue and we are doing everything we can to sort it (has managed to get his appt moved forward with the consultant).

He asked his ex wife if she could meet me half way to help with the travel (it’s a five hour round trip) the day we got the letter we had the kids so I had no choice but to take them home.

She has since refused to do any driving at all. When she does agree to do some driving she usually pulls out last minute with some shit excuse leaving me no choice but to take them. I do have a bad back from major back surgery in my teens and have quite bad sciatica so doing regular 5 hour drives isn’t great.

This weekend I drove to OH and I stayed in his room Friday night, went to get the kids and took them and DH back to his room (it’s literally one room so not appropriate for me to stay there with them). His ex said she would collect them in town on the Sunday. Which is about a 5 mile drive each way.

Sunday morning (I had left) she texts to say that she has had sciatica (I have no idea if she does or not) and won’t be driving. Leaving DH to take the kids across on the ferry and then into town and putting them on a bus route they haven’t been on alone before (and having to pay about a tenner bus fare).

I am so so pissed off as apart from that being totally unfair on the kids I am now put in a position where I either do the drive or we don’t see the kids (the train is long and difficult for a weekend with numerous stops and also expensive).

Pah Sad

OP posts:
Wheresthel1ght · 10/09/2018 21:16

She sounds a delight.

However, no disrespect but if you oh moved away then he is required to sort out the travel arrangements and she is not required to help at all. Morally she ought to but legally I doubt it would hold water.

I think I read your thread about sleep apnoea?

I think your oh needs to remain in the town his kids live in for the weekends he is due to have them and travel home on the alternative ones. It seems the only workable solution.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 21:23

He didn’t move away.

It really difficult conducting a marriage on weekends only never mind spending two weekends together a month.

She’s not going to help him there on his own either so he’s still got to get on a ferry and two buses to collect them and then take them back to his room and then do it all again to get them home when she has a bloody car if I don’t go down - it’s ridiculous.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/09/2018 21:24

I suppose it depends who moved? It sounds like he did in which case, it’s really not the ex’s problem. Why should she bear the cost of contact or put herself out? It might be a fair and reasonable thing to do but as it’s currently an how long is a piece of string situation, you can perhaps understand her reluctance to change the status quo.

SHe might be more willing if you are able to give a potential end date? Or might be willing to compromise to once a month rather than every 2 weeks?

Wheresthel1ght · 10/09/2018 21:27

It is far more difficult being an effective parent from 150 miles away.

Sorry but you need to suck it up. His kids are more important than you. And I say that as a step mum

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 21:30

The DVLA don’t tend to give potential end dates when they revoke your licence Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 21:34

And no I have never placed myself as “more important” than his children hence I have been driving around like a twat while their mother - who moved away - laughs at me.

I am however not a saint and I don’t know anyone else who would see their husband just twice a month in this situation - certainly not the people suggesting it.

OP posts:
boux · 10/09/2018 21:35

This is not your responsibility and could negatively affect your health. I think you should say you're no longer able to do the drive. Let them sort it out between themselves. It would be unreasonable of your husband to expect you to do this long term.
I strongly disagree with a pp who says you need to "suck it up". You are not the taxi driver.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 10/09/2018 21:43

Loads of forces wives see their partner far less than twice a month. Your a forces wife, you’re not getting a bad deal.

Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 21:49

I don't know anyone who would ferry other people's children around 150 miles each way over a weekend either. I'm sure you're very fond of them but do they actually want to spend all that time in the car, rather than playing with their toys and friends? Maybe until he gets his licence problem sorted out, he should just see them during the week.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 21:51

A) where have I said I am a forcs wife?

B) How truly insulting to forces wives “getting a good deal” yes because forces wives are a different species who don’t miss their partners because they are so used to it? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 21:52

It’s only 2.5 hours each way for the kids.

OP posts:
Onlyhappywhenitrains1 · 10/09/2018 21:52

Tbh if I was you, I wouldn't be doing any driving to pick up his kids.

I would see this as an issue that needs sorting out between oh and his ex. If it means not seeing you every weekend for a few months then so be it.

You also have your own health to think about. It's a long drive to be doing with a bad back. Sometimes you have to be selfish.

Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 21:52

That's a hell of a lot, OP!

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 21:54

They have been doing it for the last 9 years they aren’t bothered they normally sleep.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 21:56

If you say so Confused

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 21:56

I do yeah - 2.5 hours on a Friday and then again on a Sunday is not a long journey.

OP posts:
IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 10/09/2018 21:56

where have I said I am a forcs wife?

Previous threads.

How truly insulting to forces wives “getting a good deal” yes because forces wives are a different species who don’t miss their partners because they are so used to it? hmm

I’ve been one. I know all too well how hard it is. Compared to what I had, you’re doing ok.

RandomMess · 10/09/2018 21:58

I would have them for the coming half term the full week and skip one of the weekends as hopefully this is temporary.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 21:59

If it has been said on previous threads under a different user name it’s bloody bad form to bring it up on this one actually.

Normally when forces folk have a shore draft it’s because they have done a long time someone else and have had it a lot worse so please stop commenting on things which you know absolutely nothing about.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 22:01

I would have them for the coming half term the full week and skip one of the weekends as hopefully this is temporary

OH has no leave left Confused

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 10/09/2018 22:04

Honestly, if he can’t drive and she won’t drive, maybe he will have to make do with Skype or FaceTiming the kids until he gets his license sorted out.

It’s ridiculous that any of you are having to make this journey if it would be easy for the ex wife, whether 150 miles for you or the ferry/bus etc for him. But if it’s a choice between him paying £10 on a bus or you driving for hours, he pays the bus fare.

It will do them good to be a bit independent at that age and if their mum doesn’t like it she can drive instead.

RandomMess · 10/09/2018 22:05

Unpaid parental leave?

itwillbealrightpromise · 10/09/2018 22:07

Could the kids do at least part of the journey back to yours via public transport? Particularly whilst your DH can't drive them back. Saves you a bit of the drive at least.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 10/09/2018 22:11

Could the kids do at least part of the journey back to yours via public transport? Particularly whilst your DH can't drive them back. Saves you a bit of the drive at least

Yeah this was an option but there is only one coach a day which goes in the morning and takes 5 hours Confused

OH may have to get the train it’s just expensive, time consuming and money is a bit difficult atm but I could go and get them from a station an hour away.

OP posts:
IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 10/09/2018 22:19

please stop commenting on things which you know absolutely nothing about.

Confused I just told you I’ve been there!!