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Original poster

Maintenance upped and DSD Mum not buying stuff needed

161 replies

Digitallife27 · 01/09/2018 06:13

Anyone been in this boat?

DH's maintenance increased and his ex demanded backpay...fairness enough, its all privately agreed so she gets £300 a month now for the next two years and it drops down to £240 a month after the backpay is sorted.

So new school term is starting...DH's Mum has always bought DSD's school shoes from clarks and every time about a month into term DSD stops wearing them and wears shoezone trainers that her mum buys her.

So with this year, DH's Mum got pissed at the ex (and she's lovely and fair normally), by the way she handled the whole upping the maintenance. The whole demanding it and a massive argument where we didn't have a DSD weekend over summer holidays because for some reason that was our fault?! She had planned a beach holiday the Wednesday before our weekend and told us last minute that she had extended it into the following week and somehow it's our fault that the weekend didn't happen (we agreed we would drive half way to pick her up and drop her back) but Dsd decided to stay at the beach (well dur, an 8 year old is going to choose that over coming home for a weekend)....ANYWAY....I digress..

So this year we agreed between ourselves that we wouldn't offer to buy school shoes. We would see whether the ex would buy it and DSD would wear it...of course she'll wear whatever her mum buys type of thing but there's been no sign of her buying DSD any school shoes and she'll go back to school in her winter boots that we bought her. 🙄 Considering there's going to be a heatwave coming up - apparently - it's not ideal. Yes, we understand maintenance is to help with the household in general but she's not willing to buy brand new shoes that DSD needs and expects handouts still.

The thing is, DH's Mum has two other grandkids and she's only ever bought their first school shoes for their first ever day at school and never bought them since. She gave her daughter (SIL) a bunch of cash to make up for the years that she bought DSD's her shoes.

Before anyone says "oh just buy them for her" - we've got two pairs of new casual shoes / trainers for her here which we've bought and she's worn them once when we told her to with the explanation that she needs to show appreciation for gifts like that and explained about school shoes and how grandma won't buy them again if she didn't wear them (plus it's a kick in the teeth to DH's Mum really...one year she bought two new pairs of clarks school shoes for her which cost £80). Also there were some sandles which we bought her which she never wore and grew out of which I just gave to my friend's daughter who loved them.
She also believes that all the clothes she wears is bought by Mum when in fact we bought half her clothes (for our household but ends up at mum's).

More of a rant here but how would you handle this? We're going to see whether the ex buys any shoes and if DSD turns up to ours in trainers then we have a good excuse to bring it up with the ex.

OP posts:
TheMythOfFingerprints · 01/09/2018 06:23

Sorry, did you tell your dsd she needs to be more grateful that you buy her shoes?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 01/09/2018 06:24

I think you need to just buy her the shoes sorry. And she doesn't have to be grateful for shoes .

AJPTaylor · 01/09/2018 06:37

Trying to fathom the issue here.
You pay 7.90 a day basically towards your step daughter. Slightly more currently because you were not paying enough before.
You have somehow got mil involved in a tit for tat row about school shoes that she used to buy and no wont.
Previously unappreciated shoes (by a 7 year old) have been brought up as evidence of how futile it is to indulge her shoe needs.
She is now going back to school for the autumn term in boots that presumably still fit. Her mother presumably realises the dream that was her grandmother buying her shoes is over and is waiting til she outgrows them before replacing.
She may well be splashing the maintenance on gas, electric and a roof over her head.

Itsatravesty · 01/09/2018 06:44

Handle what exactly? You and your DP don't get to dictate what CM is spent on. He Is the NRP and legally obliged to pay maintenance. As long as his child isn't being neglected I don't see the issue. You seem obsessed with shoes.

nibblingandbiting · 01/09/2018 06:44

Wow grateful for essentials.
Did the grandmother consult her at all and take her to choose shoes or simply presented with them? Same with the sandals?
Has it not occurred to you that maybe the other shoes were more comfy and she was saying the shoes were hurting?

lunar1 · 01/09/2018 06:46

What else do you think she should be grateful for? Food and shelter?

cansu · 01/09/2018 06:47

Why are you calling maintenance a handout?

Ginmakesitallok · 01/09/2018 06:49

Poor child.

Beaverhausen · 01/09/2018 06:51

Morning OP personally I would go and buy DSD the essentials whether asked or not. Because in the long run the child will remember all of this, you should not be concerned about the mother. Let her have her maintenance because it will come to an end.

If you have DSD this weekend just ask her what shoes she wants and take her to get them and see if she needs anything else like stationary. When it comes to raising a child it is not a competition, unfortunately grandparents will buy what they assume is the best for a child and not consider what the child might like. they grow up fast and their taste differ significantly from what we assume they would want to wear. :)

Heismyopendoor · 01/09/2018 06:52

Your MIL sounds a bit batty :s

7 and 8 year olds tend not to be particularly ‘grateful’ for shoes. They are shoes and they are a young child.

I don’t think you have anything to handle.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/09/2018 06:52

Grateful for shoes? Handouts?

You and your DH’s mother seem a bit obsessed with shoes to be honest. They aren’t gifts that your DSD should be grateful for. They are basic requirements that the adults in her life should be able to provide without all this drama.

KataraJean · 01/09/2018 06:53

My DD’s paternal grandmother has always bought all her grandchildren (only one of whom is DD) clothes and socks. When they took DD on holiday for the first time with ex and his second family, they took her out and bought the clothes she would need. She always gives receipts so DD can change things if she wants to. Sometimes she makes great choices and sometimes we change them.

I have never asked for this. She doesn’t seem to weigh this against how much she sees DD. It is just what she has always done, and actually when I was struggling financially, it made a difference.

Starfish28 · 01/09/2018 06:55

Wow. I can’t quite work out how you think it’s okay to expect a child to be grateful for shoes. I can not imagine how you have worked out this situation in such a way to make yourselves feel righteous about the situation. Buy shoes, leave it up to your DSD to decide whether she wears them or not. Do not bring a child into such a petty tit-or-tat argument. And for the record that is a tiny amount of maintaince and it certainly should not give you any right to comment on how it is spent.

KanielOutis · 01/09/2018 07:00

Do you mean grateful for shoes as in you made a big deal about letting her choose? My 7yo is grateful when I buy her the parent Mary Janes with a toy in the sole. She just loves them and we make it a treat for her. Regular shoes for school, no. She just needs them and gets them.

WingsofNylon · 01/09/2018 07:03

You sound jealous that a child is favouring items she believes have been bought by her mother. Do you see how silly that is? If she doesn't wear the expensive shoes you or her grandmother give her then simply pass the money on to her mother for the shoes.

As for trying to tell her to be grateful for shoes....really? Yes at the time of purchase she should that the adult you bought them but she is under no obligation to wear them as a way of showing application.

feathermucker · 01/09/2018 07:06

You should NEVER refer to anything bought for your step-child as a handout!

How grateful should an 8 year old be?!!

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2018 07:13

OP what is your exact problem and against who as it is v unclear

bastardkitty · 01/09/2018 07:14

Lordy me, where to start... £300 per month (actually £240) is minimal. You shouldn't gripe about any additional expenses. Your attitude to your DSD really stinks.

WhiteCat1704 · 01/09/2018 08:27

Either this
If she doesn't wear the expensive shoes you or her grandmother give her then simply pass the money on to her mother for the shoes.

Or let the mother buy shoes/clothes period...Grandma could put the money into savings account for SD instead.

glintandglide · 01/09/2018 08:33

This is such a strange Op. it’s a complete non problem afaics

WhiteCat1704 · 01/09/2018 08:33

Lordy me, where to start... £300 per month (actually £240) is minimal

No its not.
For comparison we get nothing from SDs mother, (she owes us though and the debt is buding up) SD is with us full time. £300 a month( or £600 as her father would match it)would be plenty to support her and save for her uni. It would be more than enough for shoes.

MrsSchadenfreude · 01/09/2018 08:33

Why not buy shoes from Next or M & S? Mine HATED Clark’s shoes - thought they were grumpy and dull. Take her somewhere else, and you’ll probably get something she likes and that she’ll wear.

Livelovebehappy · 01/09/2018 08:34

All this angst and drama over a pair of school shoes? Seems this is all on the back of ex wife upping the child maintenance, and wouldn’t have been an issue otherwise. A pair of school shoes can cost about £10 from a supermarket or Primark.

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 01/09/2018 08:47

Oh lord my head hurts reading this.

You don't need to buy new shoes because it's a new term ffs. My DS is going back to school next week in the same shoes as he finished with in July. Why? Because they still fit and aren't trashed.

As for this maintenance business, you could very well be my exes wife, we've just had our maintenance upped to the same amount as you're paying because kids cost money and trust me, us mothers with paltry amounts of maintenance really aren't out whooping it up... we're paying bills with it so that our kids are fed, clothed, kept warm and have a roof over their heads. Such fripperies, how dare we 🙄

LIZS · 01/09/2018 08:49

If her winter boots still fit then do her last year school shoes? Children do not need to be grateful for essentials. If she is happy with Shoezone shoes buy similar.