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Original poster

Maintenance upped and DSD Mum not buying stuff needed

161 replies

Digitallife27 · 01/09/2018 06:13

Anyone been in this boat?

DH's maintenance increased and his ex demanded backpay...fairness enough, its all privately agreed so she gets £300 a month now for the next two years and it drops down to £240 a month after the backpay is sorted.

So new school term is starting...DH's Mum has always bought DSD's school shoes from clarks and every time about a month into term DSD stops wearing them and wears shoezone trainers that her mum buys her.

So with this year, DH's Mum got pissed at the ex (and she's lovely and fair normally), by the way she handled the whole upping the maintenance. The whole demanding it and a massive argument where we didn't have a DSD weekend over summer holidays because for some reason that was our fault?! She had planned a beach holiday the Wednesday before our weekend and told us last minute that she had extended it into the following week and somehow it's our fault that the weekend didn't happen (we agreed we would drive half way to pick her up and drop her back) but Dsd decided to stay at the beach (well dur, an 8 year old is going to choose that over coming home for a weekend)....ANYWAY....I digress..

So this year we agreed between ourselves that we wouldn't offer to buy school shoes. We would see whether the ex would buy it and DSD would wear it...of course she'll wear whatever her mum buys type of thing but there's been no sign of her buying DSD any school shoes and she'll go back to school in her winter boots that we bought her. 🙄 Considering there's going to be a heatwave coming up - apparently - it's not ideal. Yes, we understand maintenance is to help with the household in general but she's not willing to buy brand new shoes that DSD needs and expects handouts still.

The thing is, DH's Mum has two other grandkids and she's only ever bought their first school shoes for their first ever day at school and never bought them since. She gave her daughter (SIL) a bunch of cash to make up for the years that she bought DSD's her shoes.

Before anyone says "oh just buy them for her" - we've got two pairs of new casual shoes / trainers for her here which we've bought and she's worn them once when we told her to with the explanation that she needs to show appreciation for gifts like that and explained about school shoes and how grandma won't buy them again if she didn't wear them (plus it's a kick in the teeth to DH's Mum really...one year she bought two new pairs of clarks school shoes for her which cost £80). Also there were some sandles which we bought her which she never wore and grew out of which I just gave to my friend's daughter who loved them.
She also believes that all the clothes she wears is bought by Mum when in fact we bought half her clothes (for our household but ends up at mum's).

More of a rant here but how would you handle this? We're going to see whether the ex buys any shoes and if DSD turns up to ours in trainers then we have a good excuse to bring it up with the ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Digitallife27 · 01/09/2018 12:38

Low amount? Well that's exactly what the maintenance calculator calculated so blame the government for this unfairness.

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 01/09/2018 12:43

You know that the CMS calculator is the bare minimum that can be enforced, and not the maximum someone is allowed to pay right?

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2018 12:44

Why on earth would your SIL need a cash handout to make up for shoes

What exactly is your issue I still don’t get it

Frequency · 01/09/2018 12:45

Yes, low amount. Maintenance is supposed to be the NRP 'half' of child rearing costs. In what world does a child only cost £600 p/m?

If that's all he's paying of course he should also be buying basics like school shoes.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 01/09/2018 12:48

Wow. I had using the word bitter but in this situation....

You are way too focused on the ex. You know nothing of the details of her life - for example, you have actually seen her tax returns, her P60 and been party to her conversations with the HMRC and DWP? You are aware of the rent a room scheme?

And even if the ex is the most evil, benefit cheating scum person in the world, why does that mean you can behave poorly and not expect people to call you out on it?

MissVanjie · 01/09/2018 12:54

for someone who seems to keep quite the running tally of what is spent and owed by whom on what, it is amazing that your household has still managed to rack up a maintenance shortfall of a grand and a half. perhaps have a look at yourself rather than the ex. btw the govt maintenance is a bare minimum.

Rebecca36 · 01/09/2018 12:54

Buy her the shoes and stop moaning. The maintenance paid for the girl is not OTT and no child has to be grateful to parents for food, clothing and a modicum of affection - it's to be expected! She's only eight for goodness sakes.

Stop moaning.

AhNowTed · 01/09/2018 13:03

Wow a whole £8 a day.

The fucking cheek of you

MissVanjie · 01/09/2018 13:11

guess what, I have bought my dcs shoes that they have worn a handful of times then abandoned, or grown out of before they had their full wear of them, far more times than I would like. it happens, so what? it's life with children, which is full of these annoying but unavoidable ballache things.

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 01/09/2018 13:11

You actually feel attacked OP?

My ex, the children's father has been a breathtaking twat with maintenance for his kids. My now husband will not see them go without at all, he's the one that's just about to pick up the tab for her to go to uni to read law for three years, not her actual, biological father but her step father. He never paid enough in maintenance for us to put money away for her but he has lots of holidays and 'stuff'. And yet he moans he's poor because of his paltry maintenance he hands over until me requesting more recently. He paid £150 for TWO children.

Due to her biological father being such a breathtaking twat about money she no longer speaks to him. So be very careful that your attitude doesn't cause a rift between them.

AhNowTed · 01/09/2018 13:18

"Blame the government"

Hahahaha

MajesticWhine · 01/09/2018 13:20

It all sounds really petty. Haven't read thread but suggest that DH and his ex sort out who is getting school shoes and that you don't get overly involved.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 01/09/2018 13:35

Yes it is annoying the way that government enforces that no parent is ever allowed to pay more than the bare minimum the cms calculates Hmm

takeittakeit · 01/09/2018 13:51

Your DP underpaid -for years and is paying back the shortfall over 2 years.

£300 for 2 yrs - £60 of which is back dated!
£240 per month going forwards.

Seriously what was he paying before - £180pcm.
Seriously, even when matched by the DM - £10 per day does not go far with a growing child -elec, gas, phone, internet, childcare, travel, food, drink, clothes, activities.

No child is ever grateful for shoes and clothes, they are a fact of life.

nibblingandbiting · 01/09/2018 14:16

You say she doesn't buy the stuff needed.
Yet she has bought clothing and footwear for her dd. She provides a roof over her head. Pays for childcare. Food, heating etc.
So what is it she isn't buying?

You are feeling attacked? I can imagine the ex and dd feel great when they have interacted with you. You resent your sd, you resent that money is being paid for her. Do you realise children are very intuitive and pick up on this?

You also seem rather jealous of the ex. A large house. Renting a room, which is permitted. Working and claiming benefits that she will be legally entitled to, just like millions of other families. And having the cheek to want her dd's dad to support their child financially. It's his own fault he now has to overpay, if he wasn't such a tight arse in the first place he wouldn't be in arrears. If he was a decent one he would still overpay even after the arrears have been paid for, and still buy his dd stuff.

Fairylea · 01/09/2018 14:45

It doesn’t matter what the mums income is. The way you wrote your post makes it sound like since the mum is doing alright (in your opinion) your dhs maintenance matters less...Hmm

Heismyopendoor · 01/09/2018 14:47

Are shoes really gifts when you are a child?

It doesn’t matter if the mum is bringing in a million pounds a year. Your DH still has a legal responsibility to pay his maintenance.

The amount set by CMS is the bare minimum.

Sounds like MIL needs to mind her own business. It’s nothing to do with her if ex wanted the maintenance upped, especially as it sounds like she was entitled to it, hence the payback. You can be sure I would be making sure my children got all they are entitled to.

You come across as very petty.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 01/09/2018 15:27

You pay the minimum the calculator requests? ( and your DP clearly didn't even do that)

Guess what my Exdh pays?exactly what we need to jointly look after our children...and here's a shocker ...the government doesn't make him because they don't need to...he had two DC so he feels he should help me support them

You actually believe you are in the right don't You? That's amazing

HeckyPeck · 01/09/2018 16:10

Can she not just wear whatever shoes she was wearing in July?

Or couldnt your DH just say to his ex “just to let you know my mum isn’t able to buy shoes this year” and leave it at that?

Or if you do buy shoes just get shoe zone/primark cheapies as she seems happy enough with those.

Re being grateful, if my mum had spent £80 on shoes for me I can be damn sure she’d be annoyed if I didn’t bother wearing them. What a waste of money otherwise!

Dljlr · 01/09/2018 16:15

Yes, we understand maintenance is to help with the household in general but she's not willing to buy brand new shoes that DSD needs and expects handouts still.

Maintenance payments are your husband's way of contributing to the financial cost of raising his child. Fucking 'handouts' indeed. I can't follow your garbled sense of injustice at his purchasing school shoes for his own child, but YABU for this ridiculous comment alone Hmm

sue51 · 01/09/2018 18:26

You lost me at handouts. Get over yourself.

SpottingTheZebras · 01/09/2018 18:35

Before you all jump to the defence of the ex, she sub lets bedrooms in her house (5 bedroom, 4 bathroom) as undeclared income while working and getting benefits.

This has nothing to do with child maintenance or shoes.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 01/09/2018 18:38

Tbh you just need to buy them if the child needs them.

My ex always buys bits and pieces for DS if money is tight and he needs anything. He is 15 now and Clark’s shoes were £75 which I just didn’t have and exH willingly took DS out to buy them.

He pays £200 a month as his pay can be pretty variable and some months he pays less. However he always helps where necessary financially for DS. Likewise he will always buy extra bits and pieces.

Maintenance does not qualify as a “handout”. Poor choice of words there...it likely goes into the pot to keep the child fed, clothed, roof over head, warm etc.

And sadly kids are never grateful for the essentials...shoes are shoes and they don’t see them as gifts, why are shoes sitting at your house if they’ve been bought for the child....they need to go home with her and might then get some use,

JessBradleyTheBusStopWanker · 01/09/2018 18:42

Fuck. Me.

OP you are going to need a suit of cast iron spouting shite like that. Handouts? being grateful for shoes? You really do come across as a petty, jealous new girlfriend that is obsessing over the ex and resents the kid. Whats up? that £300 a month eating into you being showered with diamonds ? missing out on weekend mini breaks ( without the kid) so you can pretend you are awesome and the perfect couple instead of the knuckle dragging mouth breather you come across as?

HavelockVetinari · 01/09/2018 18:45

The amount set by CMS is the bare minimum.

^ this. And your 'D'P wasn't even paying the legal MINIMUM until he was pulled up about it, and is now backdating it. What a flicking prince of men Hmm

YABVU.

I love a unanimous AIBU, they're so rare these days!