Maintenance upped and DSD Mum not buying stuff needed

[Digitallife27]

Anyone been in this boat?

DH's maintenance increased and his ex demanded backpay...fairness enough, its all privately agreed so she gets £300 a month now for the next two years and it drops down to £240 a month after the backpay is sorted.

So new school term is starting...DH's Mum has always bought DSD's school shoes from clarks and every time about a month into term DSD stops wearing them and wears shoezone trainers that her mum buys her.

So with this year, DH's Mum got pissed at the ex (and she's lovely and fair normally), by the way she handled the whole upping the maintenance. The whole demanding it and a massive argument where we didn't have a DSD weekend over summer holidays because for some reason that was our fault?! She had planned a beach holiday the Wednesday before our weekend and told us last minute that she had extended it into the following week and somehow it's our fault that the weekend didn't happen (we agreed we would drive half way to pick her up and drop her back) but Dsd decided to stay at the beach (well dur, an 8 year old is going to choose that over coming home for a weekend)....ANYWAY....I digress..

So this year we agreed between ourselves that we wouldn't offer to buy school shoes. We would see whether the ex would buy it and DSD would wear it...of course she'll wear whatever her mum buys type of thing but there's been no sign of her buying DSD any school shoes and she'll go back to school in her winter boots that we bought her. 🙄 Considering there's going to be a heatwave coming up - apparently - it's not ideal. Yes, we understand maintenance is to help with the household in general but she's not willing to buy brand new shoes that DSD needs and expects handouts still.

The thing is, DH's Mum has two other grandkids and she's only ever bought their first school shoes for their first ever day at school and never bought them since. She gave her daughter (SIL) a bunch of cash to make up for the years that she bought DSD's her shoes.

Before anyone says "oh just buy them for her" - we've got two pairs of new casual shoes / trainers for her here which we've bought and she's worn them once when we told her to with the explanation that she needs to show appreciation for gifts like that and explained about school shoes and how grandma won't buy them again if she didn't wear them (plus it's a kick in the teeth to DH's Mum really...one year she bought two new pairs of clarks school shoes for her which cost £80). Also there were some sandles which we bought her which she never wore and grew out of which I just gave to my friend's daughter who loved them.
She also believes that all the clothes she wears is bought by Mum when in fact we bought half her clothes (for our household but ends up at mum's).

More of a rant here but how would you handle this? We're going to see whether the ex buys any shoes and if DSD turns up to ours in trainers then we have a good excuse to bring it up with the ex.

£300 a month( or £600 as her father would match it)would be plenty to support her and save for her uni. It would be more than enough for shoes

There was a point at which I was paying just over £700 a month in childcare. Not enough for shoes on your figures. It’s all relative, isn’t it? Trying to tit for tat on the basis that in your eyes it’s a lot of money just ignores the facts of other people’s situations.

And handouts? You are making problems where there are none, OP. I would have a look at the anger you are holding on to regarding the ex. It’s doing you no good.

Maintenance is completely separate from all this. You can’t dictate what maintenance is spent on.

Also please don’t do this thing where you buy her stuff and it has to stay at your house. That’s just petty. If you buy her things they belong to her. Had all this with my dds dad and it was horrible.

What pair of children's shoes in Clark's is £80?! You don't sound very kind in this and you've clearly wound your mil up massively too. You need to step back here and get some perspective. So what if her mother replaces them half way through with shoe zone gear? Just so what?

I think lots of children (and people in general actually) would choose to wear trainers over shoes, if the uniform policy allows. Maybe the mother just decided to get her new trainers instead, as it's what she'll end up wearing anyway.

I think she's been quite diplomatic wearing shoes she probably hates for the first month of team.

Dhs mum is pissed off with the ex 'demanding' a reasonable amount of money to support her child and is now refusing to buy shoes.

You see maintenence as a handout and want to be thanked for ever essential you buy.

Do you thank dhs ex every time she tops up the electric or buys food or takes her to school or buys clothes or gets dsd a haircut or any of the million other things she does for her dd?

Or do you just sit and whinge at everything you perceive to be a shortcoming and expect her to be grateful for every bone that's thrown her way?

We use dds dads maintenance to repay a loan we took out for a car. The car benefits all of us and the loan stops / finishes at the same time as dds maintenance will. How would you like it if dds mum did that?

You’re being very unreasonable about it all.

"WE agreed between ourselves...."
"WE would drive......"
"WE wouldn't offer......"
"WE bought...."
"WE told her to...."

There's so many 'we's' in your post that you sound quite an interference in your dsd's life. Maybe you should step back a bit and allow her parents to actually parent her themselves.

I also imagine that the pittance her mum gets is purely from your dh's wages without any contribution from you (I know its not your place to support your dsd financially). If that's the case, and only £300 per month is being 'handed out' as you call it you shouldn't be saying 'we've' bought this and that.

I think you've been given a hard time here OP. I understand the concept of being grateful for getting new things... However the point is that they need to be things they really like. My kids were grateful to get new shoes when they got the shoes with toys on them which every kid wanted years ago.

What I'm guessing is the problem is that her grandmother makes a huge fuss getting her Clarks shoes because it makes her feel good to get her GD shoes and the GD probably doesn't dare tell her that she doesn't like the shoes. Her mum might actually force her to wear them until the DD begs her mum to get her shoes like her friends.

There's a lot more to a child becoming a healthy adult than getting them Clarks shoes. For a start giving the child the confidence to express themselves as to what they like.

I think if shoes are your main issue then you don’t have an issue.

It’s tough being the mother when you are the main parent, and the maintenance isn’t even half what it costs to bring up a child. She seems to be doing a good job. So give her a break!

Why not just cut out all the angst and have DH speak to DSD's mum? A simple text or email saying, "Does DD need any new shoes for school or are her old ones still okay? I can take her shopping for new ones if that's easier for you?"

Everything else is just a load of unnecessary drama. MIL's "I'm not going to buy shoes for my grandchild any more because I don't like her mum" attitude is bizarre. Fair enough not to buy them because she doesn't buy them fr her other grandchildren etc, but linking it to the maintenance being increased and contact times is just petty.

And my children will generally just say a quick "thanks" if they get new shoes but I wouldn't expect any more than that.

I don’t understand why she only wears the Clark’s shoes for a month then wears shoe zone ones? If she’s not wearing the shoes bought for her then I don’t see the point in keep buying them?
I’d be adult about it and say to her mum that her grandmother isn’t buying shoes for her this year as she doesn’t seem to wear them so it seems a waste or just say she’s stopping doing it as she can’t do it for all her grandchildren.
If she wants to wear shoes she’s come in at your house I wouldn’t bother buying extras. The clothes thing does wind me up as we buy clothes for DSD to wear here but as she comes in school uniform we lose an outfit every other weekend. We tend to send her back in clothes she’s had a bit of wear out of or are easier to replace like leggings and a t shirt.

I don't get why DSD would be wearing winter boots to school in September. Wouldn't she just be continuing in the footwear she wore in July if it still fits.

She probably stopped wearing the Clarkes shoes because she grew out of them.

If you want to know what's happening about shoes, then just ask rather than play games of waitand-see.

How would I handle This? That was your last question?

I'm the resident parent with a DP and Exdh provides reasonable maintenance that I have just told him to half because I want to help him move to a new place and I know he could do with the money...so in context I'm far from money grabbing

So what would I do ? I would ask to have a quiet word with you , not your DP....you....

I would say this..." you do not have any true concept of how to bring children up in an adult mature way, you are playing at this because you still count silly victories and test by seeing what will happen, you have less than no concept of the cost both physically emotionally or financially of being a real parent so please remove your opinion from the situation. You are playing at being a big girl in a play house because if you were an adult you would understand that two parents made this child so these are not handouts these are part if caring for a child and if you are genuinely so vapid that school shoes are anything but a drop in the ocean of what goes into starting a child back to school then you have far too much time on your hands. I will no longer discuss this with you and if I feel you are interfering will discuss with your DP because you have proven yourself to be point scoring immature and unable to put a child's needs before your need to be self satisfied and puerile. "

That's what I would do

Hth

You lost at me at calling providing for your child as handouts

She probably just doesn’t like them, ds won’t wear clarks shoes as he says they are too hard. He wears smart black shoes from shoezone for half the price which is no skin off my nose.
Honestly I cannot understand why you are getting so angry over minute details such as where the mum buys shoes, and from your op it doesn’t sound like she’s asked anyone to buy them anyway.

The new term at School isn’t an arctic exploration, they don’t always need to show up with everything brand new and replaced. It may be that the shoes she had in July were fairly new and with the warm weather perfectly good to be used for another month or two

What the actual fuck

ExDP goes halves on all new uniform needed, including shoes, winter boots, coats, bags. THIS year they both need all brand new as I have moved areas and they are starting new schools. ExDP has offered to pay for ALL of it this year as I’ve incurred major costs moving house.

If he or his DW ever said the D.C. should be grateful for this, they’d be getting short shrift. Fortunately ExDPs DW was a single parent with zero contribution from her ex, and so she has no issue with ExDP providing BASICS for HIS children. As she said herself; he would be very unattractive to her if he refused or whined about it.

Maybe the shoes were ugly and she didn't feel comfortable wearing them. Clark's is kinda old fashioned and over priced. Maybe she wants to be comfy at school. Also why spend so much on shoes for kids. My sister trashed every pair so in the end she got cheap shoes and they lasted the same amount of time.

Do you think you are better then DSDs mum? It sounds like you do.

She also believes that all the clothes she wears is bought by Mum when in fact we bought half her clothes (for our household but ends up at mum's).
Also, 8 year old kids don’t think about who bought their clothes AT ALL. You say the above like you begrudge having to buy your DP’s child clothing. WTAF??

All this shit over and extra £60 a month to contribute to raising YOUR DP’s CHILD

Threads like this make me glad DS’s dad isn’t anywhere to be seen, I suspect the mum would rather be £300 down than have to deal with you

Thanks for all the attack. It feels great.

By the way, DSD chooses her own shoes, why would we all take her to get sized and then not let her choose her own shoes. Jeez.

Before you all jump to the defence of the ex, she sub lets bedrooms in her house (5 bedroom, 4 bathroom) as undeclared income while working and getting benefits.

Her mums income or how she comes by it is absolutely irrelevant. Her dad has an obligation to support her, amount dictated by his income. Your dsd does not need to feel grateful for being financially supported through her childhood. My ex has the same attitude as you towards dd's maintenance. She doesn't speak to him any more now she's 15. Don't go down the same road.

There are tax free allowances under the Rent a Room scheme. Sounds like you resent ex's lifestyle.

You posted in aibu about a situation in which you are being breathtakingly unpleasant and you are surprised you were attacked?

No poster is responsible for your feelings unless they have been abusive which no-one has.

Her income is irrelevant in the scenario you originally posted

Apologies not aibu but my point stands

You sound a lot like my ex "I bought her this, I bought her that, why are you always demanding my money? You don't look after the DC properly" yada yada yada.

His kids don't speak to him now. They told him to stick his 'gifts' aka basic necessities where the sun don't shine.

As an aside why is your DH only paying £300 p/m? That's a shockingly low amount.