Maintenance upped and DSD Mum not buying stuff needed

[Digitallife27]

Anyone been in this boat?

DH's maintenance increased and his ex demanded backpay...fairness enough, its all privately agreed so she gets £300 a month now for the next two years and it drops down to £240 a month after the backpay is sorted.

So new school term is starting...DH's Mum has always bought DSD's school shoes from clarks and every time about a month into term DSD stops wearing them and wears shoezone trainers that her mum buys her.

So with this year, DH's Mum got pissed at the ex (and she's lovely and fair normally), by the way she handled the whole upping the maintenance. The whole demanding it and a massive argument where we didn't have a DSD weekend over summer holidays because for some reason that was our fault?! She had planned a beach holiday the Wednesday before our weekend and told us last minute that she had extended it into the following week and somehow it's our fault that the weekend didn't happen (we agreed we would drive half way to pick her up and drop her back) but Dsd decided to stay at the beach (well dur, an 8 year old is going to choose that over coming home for a weekend)....ANYWAY....I digress..

So this year we agreed between ourselves that we wouldn't offer to buy school shoes. We would see whether the ex would buy it and DSD would wear it...of course she'll wear whatever her mum buys type of thing but there's been no sign of her buying DSD any school shoes and she'll go back to school in her winter boots that we bought her. 🙄 Considering there's going to be a heatwave coming up - apparently - it's not ideal. Yes, we understand maintenance is to help with the household in general but she's not willing to buy brand new shoes that DSD needs and expects handouts still.

The thing is, DH's Mum has two other grandkids and she's only ever bought their first school shoes for their first ever day at school and never bought them since. She gave her daughter (SIL) a bunch of cash to make up for the years that she bought DSD's her shoes.

Before anyone says "oh just buy them for her" - we've got two pairs of new casual shoes / trainers for her here which we've bought and she's worn them once when we told her to with the explanation that she needs to show appreciation for gifts like that and explained about school shoes and how grandma won't buy them again if she didn't wear them (plus it's a kick in the teeth to DH's Mum really...one year she bought two new pairs of clarks school shoes for her which cost £80). Also there were some sandles which we bought her which she never wore and grew out of which I just gave to my friend's daughter who loved them.
She also believes that all the clothes she wears is bought by Mum when in fact we bought half her clothes (for our household but ends up at mum's).

More of a rant here but how would you handle this? We're going to see whether the ex buys any shoes and if DSD turns up to ours in trainers then we have a good excuse to bring it up with the ex.

Poor child, having to be grovelingly grateful for being given the essentials in life, you know, shoes on her feet, clothes on her back...

When your DSD grows up a little, and comprehends your breathtaking spitefulness, malice and jealousy, she will, no doubt, sever contact with both you and her father.

And I wouldn't blame her.

What's her subletting got to do with you being absolute mizers?? Her income doesn't mean your partner contributes less he should contribute what he can and want to for his child

If dsd prefers Shoezone trainers to Clark's why didn't MIL take her to Shoezone and get trainers? If cost is the issue then MIL should have only bought at shops that she can afford or less frequently.

The shoes are for school. That place where you have to sit down and do work. That place where kids have to go to 6 hours every school day. No child in the UK is grateful for school shoes. If they are, it's a short moment and due to the previous ones developing a hole or something. School shoes are something that people provide their kids as a minimum like toothpaste or underwear.

What is wrong with dsd wearing out of school shoes purchased by her mum rather than ones picked by you? (I mean you as in you or your h) If the waste of money annoys you then save your money and have dsd wear the shoes she arrived in. Personally I'm not surprised that she doesn't want to wear "your" shoes if she has to show gratitude for something that is provided as standard in most UK households. It makes it hard to enjoy the shoes as they are loaded with a serious responsibility where her mum's shoes provide practical benefits like protection from the hard ground.

So what if dsd goes into school with winter boots on day 1 and her mum has to take her to Shoezone after school as she's too hot in them? If her winter boots fit then do her school trainers from July still fit?

I love how your h's mum is mad at the ex for getting angry about the shortfall in maintenance but isn't embarrassed and furious that her son underpaid and is only paying the bare minimum.

Sounds like you lot need to look long and hard at yourselves.

Your DH is paying the bare minimum and wasn’t even paying that for a long time. Just think about that for a bit OP. Does that sound like taking responsibility for his child to you?

Yiu DH needs to email or text his ex, as suggested by a pp, and say *does DD need new school shoes? I can take her this weekend or I can give you the money”. Then DH either takes DD, gets her fitted and buys the shoes she wants or gives his ex £50. That’s the way to proceed without any drama.

we've got two pairs of new casual shoes / trainers for her here which we've bought and she's worn them once when we told her to with the explanation that she needs to show appreciation for gifts like that and explained about school shoes and how grandma won't buy them again if she didn't wear them

Who's a what now?

Now you’ve highlighted that passage MrsTerry it sounds much worse than when I first read it. Sorry OP, I really don’t see how you can take the moral high ground here. DH is in at serious risk of having no relationship with his own daughter when she’s older. Just listen to what everyone is saying.

Just do everyone a favour and stop pretending like you care about DSD now. At least then she'll know you don't give a single solitary tick about her. Don't worry, I'm sure she'll work through it with her therapist one day.

@Digitallife27 unfortunately it's the classic case of step parents get jumped on. If someone's child did these things show lack of appreciation etc they would get all the advice needed.

Firstly I'm sure you probably mean she should appreciate the shoes more. By appreciating they look after things and respect things more. And I don't think there is anything wrong in that anyways. I recently used to words grateful to my step kids and in hindsight I think I meant that they need to be more appreciative. If we don't teach them these things they will grow up being those 'entitled to the world the world owns me' and from the sound of it and wjatbyiur say by about the benefits etc i do think she gets this from her mum. I personally wouldn't buy them you contribute more than enough in maintenance and she has had a lot of help over the years with shoes before. She will no doubt be able to afford a £10 from shoe zone and tbh if the boots bug your step daughter I'm sure she will soon tell her mum. My step daughter would where he boots to school in summer if she could.

Secondly maintenance. I hate this whole 'back payment thing' just because she doesn't like your private arrangement and somehow must have known his wages have changed etc. She had been getting maintenance regardless so she needs to just focus on the here and now and not take advantage maybe then it makes it easier for you guys to pay for school shoes etc. But I think £300 is a lot. I get £175 a month for one and to be honest when I was w single parent just me and him (before my second son) that money was disposable income for us. Single mothers get a lot in benefits etc or top ups to their income. My bills total £1800 a month (rent, water, gas, food, electric, CT, finance car, insurance, house insurance, childcare etc). I worked full time with him at 34 hours earning weekly £250, tax credits, £160, CB £20, housing allowance £80. If I reduce my hours to part time I would have got £130 wages, £250 tax credits, £124 housing. So I can't see her struggling that much as she will also get free childcare from 2, reduces council tax, free prescriptions, reduced water and warm home discounts. I hate hate hate how these mums basically use the kids to gain more money. She would have still been paying the same bills with or without a child. And one child doesn't exactly make the water, gas and electric that much higher before anyone says. I think your probably frustrated that actually £300 a month is a lot (probably a whole
Weeks wage) that is a massive hole in your earnings, when actually if she lived with you that would more than cover your extra gas, water, food etc. That's why to be honest I never push my sons dad for more than the minimum amount.

We rang csa and asked them what's it to be used for and they said everything, that's all techinically you need to pay the ex for. Anything else is your disxretion. Partners ex wife tries to milk more and more.

I would sit down with your partner and maybe write a letter to her, who even ask for mediation and you can all discuss everything. I wouldn't buy the school shoes, if you want to keep clothes at your house i would and don't feel guilty because i am that mum who know how frustrating it is to buy something nice and it go to the other parents house and never seee it again. Next time he gets a pay increase maybe just say we will pay X amount as his wage will change on X date (make it look like you have planned ahead.) and just ignore everyone being negative x

I would sit down with your partner and maybe write a letter to her, who even ask for mediation and you can all discuss everything.. Please don’t do this OP. Your partner pays the absolute minimum for his own child and how much he does pay has pretty much fuck all to do with you anyway as the child came, and should always come, before any emotional and financial desires of yours.

Please don't take any advice from Stepparentchallenges on how to have a normal, functioning blended family. Their own situation is an absolute car crash.

To be honest the posts are ridiculous and barely qualify as 'advice'.

how much he does pay has pretty much fuck all to do with you anyway as the child came, and should always come, before any emotional and financial desires of yours.

Wow..that's so nice and helpful.......
I'm sure this kind of attitude will make OP love her SD and will make her want to have her inuded in a family........I'm sure /

Yes as above, please don't listen to a word of stepparentchallenges twaddle.

And to you stepparenchallenges be quiet. What tosh, you don't get to dictate how much is too much. You do realise the cost of living is quite high in some areas of the country don't you. £300 a lot, I'm lost for words now...

Ok, I aplolgise if I was a bit over the top but having read the whole thread, I’m not convinced that the OP even likes her SD let alone wants her in the family.

I hate hate hate how these mums basically use the kids to gain more money

Seriously? You just typed that?

@digitalife27 why was your DH underpaying maintenance for his DD?

@Digitallife27 I'm sure when you say still expect handouts was just a choice of wording and that was more aimed at the ex wife expecting it from the grandparents not all from you. To be honest I wouldn't even know a better word for it accept thinking you just meant 'constantly expecting more and more money'. And to be honest if you MiL gets upset she is entitled to; as it could cost her a lot to save it back. My partners mum
Lives pay check to pay check and whilst we had to wait for our tax credits to sort out (the ex wife got shitty as we said we would try and buy tha school shoes if our money sorted and the ex took it as he would and when we said we couldn't all hell broke loose and at one point even wanted us to drop them back early in the first week they have stayed since Christmas we do see them EOW.) his mum paid for them and didn't do herself w food shop that week. (We didn't know this at the time but as a grandparent felt she had to try and help and when we took them home with their shoes their mum put a post on Facebook about how it was unfair we didn't let the youngest have the more expensive pair out of the two she liked so she would have to 'sort the mess out as the girl is refusing to wear them' it really broke my mil heart). Grandpaarents aren't there to be the ones constantly feeding cash and she is probably being protective of her son to see that the granddaughter is being used and although he seems to be trying his best it will never be enough for the ex wife z

@Stepparentchallenges How can you call small children entitled considering the behaviour of your twat husband? We all know "shoes" are a dirty word in your house. But then so is "stepchild".

Shame on you.

how much he does pay has pretty much fuck all to do with you anyway as the child came, and should always come, before any emotional and financial desires of yours.

Pretty much everything is fuck all to do with you when you’re a stepparent, but at the same time everyone wants your time and money.

Stepparentingchallenges your entire story is laid out on these boards for everyone to see. Your partner is an appalling, neglectful father. You apparently 'saw the light' on your last thread and now you're back posting bollocks about those poor girls again. I actually think you are just trying to goad now.

@WhirlyGigWhirlyGig yes I think it is quite a lot!
Going from no kids to one kid our rent increased by £50 a month, out water by £15 a month, gas and electric by £40. Food (I will go on his age now if nearly 4) extra £50 a month. He gets 30hours childcare like most. That only totals £155! So yes I effectively pay for his clothes (which isn't every month.) and his swimming which is £40 a month. I think it's relatively fair that my ex pays £175 as he his providing food, heating and cloth e when he is there. And I get the child benefit for him
Which is to go on day to day necessities. So I stand by that for one Child getting £300 a month is a good amount. £300 will cover the gas for all, electric for all the house , water for all the house and at least all the food bought for daughter. People just seem to forget she will still have rent, had, electric to pay with or without w child! And a
Child isn't going to double the gas, electric and water each month!

The mum and what she does is irrelevant, if you take her to get sized and let her choose shoes what's the problem? Maybe mum assumes you'll do the shoes because she's bought the school uniform/pe kit/coat/underwear and all you're offering each year is a measley pair of shoes that her daughter hates and has to buy new ones a month later anyway

@TwistedStitch I haven't posted anything negative about the girls. The youngest was actually very happy with the shoes when we got them, jr was only when she got home it became a issue. From what we gather they all went out looking at shoes before coming down so the mum knew which ones if wr couldn't get their size etc with us. There is not one bad word said against them in my replies. It was a long hard week when they came down I won't lie about that and their behaviour was very hard but we have already started planning when she will
Allow them down again which I think is Christmas. This time they were down for the youngest birthday, so next is Christmas and I think she is saying one weekend in January as it's the eldest birthday then that will be it again until summer holidays when the youngest birthday is. So i sorting my holiday with work, sorting plans and started saving my tips now in w jar aside for when they are down. So actually yes I saw that I needed a slightly different approach to dealing with the situation and as a adult I have changed those things. But everyone has a right to have issues or little niggles. And if I said it about my son I am sure advice would be given but because it's a step child it's more fun for everyone to be horrible.