Maintenance upped and DSD Mum not buying stuff needed

[Digitallife27]

Anyone been in this boat?

DH's maintenance increased and his ex demanded backpay...fairness enough, its all privately agreed so she gets £300 a month now for the next two years and it drops down to £240 a month after the backpay is sorted.

So new school term is starting...DH's Mum has always bought DSD's school shoes from clarks and every time about a month into term DSD stops wearing them and wears shoezone trainers that her mum buys her.

So with this year, DH's Mum got pissed at the ex (and she's lovely and fair normally), by the way she handled the whole upping the maintenance. The whole demanding it and a massive argument where we didn't have a DSD weekend over summer holidays because for some reason that was our fault?! She had planned a beach holiday the Wednesday before our weekend and told us last minute that she had extended it into the following week and somehow it's our fault that the weekend didn't happen (we agreed we would drive half way to pick her up and drop her back) but Dsd decided to stay at the beach (well dur, an 8 year old is going to choose that over coming home for a weekend)....ANYWAY....I digress..

So this year we agreed between ourselves that we wouldn't offer to buy school shoes. We would see whether the ex would buy it and DSD would wear it...of course she'll wear whatever her mum buys type of thing but there's been no sign of her buying DSD any school shoes and she'll go back to school in her winter boots that we bought her. 🙄 Considering there's going to be a heatwave coming up - apparently - it's not ideal. Yes, we understand maintenance is to help with the household in general but she's not willing to buy brand new shoes that DSD needs and expects handouts still.

The thing is, DH's Mum has two other grandkids and she's only ever bought their first school shoes for their first ever day at school and never bought them since. She gave her daughter (SIL) a bunch of cash to make up for the years that she bought DSD's her shoes.

Before anyone says "oh just buy them for her" - we've got two pairs of new casual shoes / trainers for her here which we've bought and she's worn them once when we told her to with the explanation that she needs to show appreciation for gifts like that and explained about school shoes and how grandma won't buy them again if she didn't wear them (plus it's a kick in the teeth to DH's Mum really...one year she bought two new pairs of clarks school shoes for her which cost £80). Also there were some sandles which we bought her which she never wore and grew out of which I just gave to my friend's daughter who loved them.
She also believes that all the clothes she wears is bought by Mum when in fact we bought half her clothes (for our household but ends up at mum's).

More of a rant here but how would you handle this? We're going to see whether the ex buys any shoes and if DSD turns up to ours in trainers then we have a good excuse to bring it up with the ex.

If we had been being paid a correct amount for mine step instead of the crappy amount he gave, then part of that £300 would have gone into a savings account to help pay for uni. But if you read further up, he never paid us properly. Now he won't pay for her, my husband is having to pay for a child that sent his biologically whilst her father goes on more trips and jollies, spends more money on himself and happily not pay for his biological child. So £300 a month for us would have been very beneficial. It's the only going costs that you need to factor in!

I've typed rubbish again, I swear all iPads are deliberately trying make us look stupid.

Anyway I'm sure the gist is relatively clear

Just the fact you use the word 'handouts' in your OP speaks volumes. You are so wrong about this whole situation. Seriously, read all the replies and try to accept them.

@WhirlyGigWhirlyGig I understand the gist don't worry.
That's all I was trying to say is that £300 in respect can actually be quite a bit and like you would have done you would have had some to put aside for uni fees. With the figures I wrote and how respectivelyynsons usage of utilities didn't increase the bills
Massively for me as a single parent I manage to save that £175 back each month because I earnt enough with wages, tax credits, cb etc. So for about a year I managed to save that money aside for him when he's older. But like yourself that £300 would contribute towards bills and savings and that is quite high to slot of people. Most people I know receive Between £130-£190 a month.

Ha, we bought her completely new uniform so before you get all judgemental that we don't buy shit for her we buy everything she needs for our household and also the things she likes including a jacket she only wore once then decided she didn't like it and it cost us £50.

He was hardly underpaying by choice, he was paying the right amount for his wages at the time for years and paid for extras on top. He continued to pay for extras on top after all these years.

I think it's odd that you are listing individual items you have bought that she hasn't 'worn enough' or been 'grateful enough' for. Parents buy clothes for their kids. Some get well worn and some don't. It's weird to keep a tally.

*He was paying the right amount for his wages.
*
The bare minimum then.

For your household? Do you make her keep any clothes and toys you buy her at your house for fear of THE EX getting to have things in her house she didn't pay for?

It might be because I'm a resident step parent. But can't you just buy the bloody shoes? I don't understand why your step daughter needs to bend the knee for the privilege?? My dp ex paid 20 towards the new uniform for the kids. My dp and I split the cost for the difference. I'm sorry but when you're a step parent you just suck it up and pay. They are effectively a part of your family and that's it.
There's been things I've bought dsd or dss that they've only worn once or didn't "appreciate". I just don't buy them again or just leave them to it over it. My dsd got cross last year because she wouldn't wear her school shoes and would wear trainers in. Then she would ask us to write a note for school so she could wear them and we refused as her school shoes were perfectly acceptable and fit her. She had to accept the consequences of the school giving her detention etc. This year we've got her a different style and we'll see how that goes.
Either way... just buy the damn shoes.

Ha, we bought her completely new uniform so before you get all judgemental that we don't buy shit for her we buy everything she needs for our household and also the things she likes including a jacket she only wore once then decided she didn't like it and it cost us £50. are you keeping a tally of what’s spent on her OP? It’s pretty normal for some kids to say that they like things and then change their minds. That’s why I never bought expensive stuff when they were this young. I’m assuming you have the receipt so that you could return the jacket or you’ve sold it on eBay? Maybe then you won’t feel so aggrieved.

Buying stuff for her to wear at your house is just normal parenting surely? I buy clothes for my kids to wear at home all of the time. I think they’d complain if I expected them to go naked

unfortunately it's the classic case of step parents get jumped on

That’s just a classic case of a step parent trying to pass criticism off as being “jumped on”

"Winter boots that we bought for her"

I never understand ticking checklists. Just parent

Stepparent
You say you 'hate hate hate it' when mums use their children to gain money.
Well you're contradicting yourself there surely! .... after all, YOU have received child maintenance yourself!

Why did YOU accept child support? Did you use YOUR child to 'gain money'? ... or (as normal parents do) expect your ex to help contribute towards supporting the child you made together?

Another thing, who the hell are you to say that £300 per month is a lot?
This paltry amount is all I got for two dc's, but their dead beat dad earns about £80,000 a year and has had a mucb better standard of living than his dc have had.

In your eyes, are you saying that I should've been 'grateful' for 'taking his money' to support our children?
FFS £300 is a drop in the ocean when it comes to raising children.

Your comments sound absolutely idiotic.

I used to buy my DDs Clarks shoes for school until they asked me not to ( they were about 8 at the time) as they are "old fashioned and babyish". They chose cheap fashion shoes from Asda as thats what all the girls in their class wore.

You need to back off. You both sound horrible putting pressure on an 8 yo to wear what you deem she should and to be grateful because adults chose to buy her shoes and clothes she didnt ask for.

Raising a child is not a competion of one-upmanship.
Dont most primary schools make pupils wear pumps inside school anyway or is that just where I live?

Dp’s ex is very possessive over the things that she buys and therefore “belong” at hers. She only lives 5 minutes round the corner so if dsc ever did leave anything here it can always be picked up/dropped off very easily. But she’s always had it in for dp and seems to think he’s out to steal everything she buys. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

@StarsMoonSun the first year he left I saved away the maintenance every month into his bank account for when he was older as I didn't need it. Now I use it towards swimming lessons, if I need to get him clothes and Save the rest. I discussed this with my ex and he was happy for it to be done that way instead of him saving it back. Difference is your £300 is for two. Here is for 1 so that more than covers a good chuck as uounwould have seen my post on his little utilities etc do go up. Can anyone honestly say their bills including rent would half without w child. As mine certaintly wouldn't. My bills are £1800.. without my child they would be about £1500.

Start your own thread if you must @Stepparentchallenges . This thread is about somebody else.

Can anyone honestly say their bills including rent would half without w child

No but a 1 bed property where I live would be around £250 per month cheaper than a 2 bed. If you think £300 per month is generous you've clearly never had to pay for childcare.

And honestly OP you're sounding worse with every post, I'd just stop now if I were you. Just remember if you have or are planning to have DC with your DH you could one day also end up getting a pittance of a contribution to your child's care.

@Itsatravesty my childcare use to cost me £240 a month! So yes I do understand childcare costs.

Stepparentchallenges I can guarantee my bills would decrease by more than £300 without a child.
My rent is £850 for a 2 bed house. Without DS I could afford a flat share at £500 max and halve my £110 council tax bill. That’s £400 down instantly.

Not to mention the doubled water costs plus the cost of broadband that I never bothered with until I had ds because I could tether my devices to my generous mobile hotspot, total of £45 pcm

In your previous posts you said your child increased your food bill by £50 a month just for packed lunch items I pay out around £15 a week, let alone the additional cost of all other snacks and meals so I’d at least double your £50 per month. He attends three sports clubs a week at a total cost of £25 per week.

I haven’t even got anywhere near the cost of clothing, school equipment, sport equipment, hairdressing at £15 every 4-5 weeks, social activities, going to parties and having to provide a gift, school trip contributions, after school care so I can work, incidentals like toys and days out

So Stepparentchallenge, should I have been grateful for receiving £300 per month from my ex, who earns £80,000 a year?

Single mothers get a lot in benefits etc or top ups to their income

Really? I’m a single mother and I receive a tiny amount now in tax credit and nothing else. Because I earn a good wage and work full time. You might have received benefits and top ups as well as child maintenance and as such use the kids to gain more money, it that sure as hell is ‘t the case for all of us.

You are, as always, deeply offensive and assume everyone is like you. We’re not. Fortunately for our children and step children.

£240 per month! You couldn't have need much childcare then, I used to pay that per week.

😂 at Stepparentchallenge's posts. 4 year olds don't cost anywhere near older kids.

Where in the country is the difference between a 1 bed and 2 bed house £50? It's £100s in most areas.

You spend £50 pm on the child's food but £20pw on treats for your partner like Coke. You think a teen boy will survive on £50pm of food? 😂 School dinners average £2.50 per day nationally. I know that you don't pay when they are young but that's £50 (assuming 20 school days a month) You could write a best seller if you can really meet the nutritional demands of a child for less than £2 per day. (I'm assuming no extras like a Happy Meal or a cheeky punnet of strawberries which cost the same as your daily spend)

Utilities rise as kids get older. My teens shower loads and always turning up the thermostat in winter. They own lots of gadgets (that need electricity). Many have costs of getting to school (bus pass to ds1's school is £20pw) and have you seen the price of men's branded trainers like Nike? Come back and share your costs when he's older. Bet £175 isn't so generous anymore