Maintenance upped and DSD Mum not buying stuff needed

[Digitallife27]

Anyone been in this boat?

DH's maintenance increased and his ex demanded backpay...fairness enough, its all privately agreed so she gets £300 a month now for the next two years and it drops down to £240 a month after the backpay is sorted.

So new school term is starting...DH's Mum has always bought DSD's school shoes from clarks and every time about a month into term DSD stops wearing them and wears shoezone trainers that her mum buys her.

So with this year, DH's Mum got pissed at the ex (and she's lovely and fair normally), by the way she handled the whole upping the maintenance. The whole demanding it and a massive argument where we didn't have a DSD weekend over summer holidays because for some reason that was our fault?! She had planned a beach holiday the Wednesday before our weekend and told us last minute that she had extended it into the following week and somehow it's our fault that the weekend didn't happen (we agreed we would drive half way to pick her up and drop her back) but Dsd decided to stay at the beach (well dur, an 8 year old is going to choose that over coming home for a weekend)....ANYWAY....I digress..

So this year we agreed between ourselves that we wouldn't offer to buy school shoes. We would see whether the ex would buy it and DSD would wear it...of course she'll wear whatever her mum buys type of thing but there's been no sign of her buying DSD any school shoes and she'll go back to school in her winter boots that we bought her. 🙄 Considering there's going to be a heatwave coming up - apparently - it's not ideal. Yes, we understand maintenance is to help with the household in general but she's not willing to buy brand new shoes that DSD needs and expects handouts still.

The thing is, DH's Mum has two other grandkids and she's only ever bought their first school shoes for their first ever day at school and never bought them since. She gave her daughter (SIL) a bunch of cash to make up for the years that she bought DSD's her shoes.

Before anyone says "oh just buy them for her" - we've got two pairs of new casual shoes / trainers for her here which we've bought and she's worn them once when we told her to with the explanation that she needs to show appreciation for gifts like that and explained about school shoes and how grandma won't buy them again if she didn't wear them (plus it's a kick in the teeth to DH's Mum really...one year she bought two new pairs of clarks school shoes for her which cost £80). Also there were some sandles which we bought her which she never wore and grew out of which I just gave to my friend's daughter who loved them.
She also believes that all the clothes she wears is bought by Mum when in fact we bought half her clothes (for our household but ends up at mum's).

More of a rant here but how would you handle this? We're going to see whether the ex buys any shoes and if DSD turns up to ours in trainers then we have a good excuse to bring it up with the ex.

Single mothers get a lot in benefits etc or top ups to their income

Where are these magical top ups? I get a bit extra in Tax Credits but nothing else.

£240 pm childcare 😂 Where do you live Stepparentchallenges? £240pm full time childcare sounds like a dream

I was talking about this thread to my DP (also a step parent OP) and he was disgusted

His actual response was along the lines of " that's pathetic if they are counting down to the amount for a pair of shoes....thats not parenting that's some prat who thinks that they are big and clever because they bestow basic needs for children...that bloke seriously needs to wake up and get rid of her because if I ever pull any crap over what the DC get leave me ...instantly "

It's interesting because I suspect that you think this is a load of women who are resident parents and you are having a silly little laugh that we are all bitter

My DP is mainly stoic doesn't express that much but step parents who behave badly desperately annoy him because he does everything he can to do right by my DC and be a good parenting figure and people like you make it harder because of course everyone assumes he's the same

My DP doesn't like my ex...but not for a single second has either of them ever behaved like you....when we moved house my ex offered some extra for whatever we or the boys needed ,just like I'm dropping his maintenance so he can move , clothes go between the two places and toys are interchangeable and we will often discuss if we are getting one thing or another between us

Our only interest is that the boys are happy and comfortable

Guess what that is called ? Parenting

Where do you live Stepparentchallenges?

Cloud cuckoo land is my guess.

Why do you need to list things you have bought for her? A father buying his child things is pretty normal tbh. Are you sure you want to be a step parent. It's not a competition of who spends more. Maybe the 50 pound coat that you bought and she stopped wearing didn't fit her anymore or it went out of fashion or she only got it because she thought you liked it and it was actually ugly. Maybe you should see what her mum is buying her and try to go along with that style?

Or you could have her scrub the scullery to pay for said shoes?

My DP is mainly stoic doesn't express that much but step parents who behave badly desperately annoy him because he does everything he can to do right by my DC and be a good parenting figure and people like you make it harder because of course everyone assumes he's the same

But what he thinks is bad might just be someone refusing to be a doormat. I’ve seen plenty of threads on here where the stepparent genuinely cares about their stepchildren but also doesn’t want to be default childcare provider. Does your dp really do everything he is told and never questions anything at all?

You could have sold the coat to recoup some of that £50. (Do you have a younger child who you could keep it for?) I don't understand why there's so much bitterness about clothes and shoes?
I'm curious how much appreciation you expect? I've bought my kids school shoes this week and apart from a thanks when I paid, the only appreciation I expect is them keeping tabs of their location when taken off for PE. If you grew up in a developing country with no shoes then it might seem strange how UK kids take shoes for granted but they are a staple that kids can expect like socks and underwear.

I've just realised Stepparentchallenges is the poster who makes the dsc sleep in the hall while her child has a castle bed. I'd disregard any advice from her.

That's quite an entertaining statement but I absolutely recognise you don't know my DP so you wouldn't know how funny that is

He is the furthest thing from a doormat you could possibly imagine and you've massively read something that wasn't there

We disagree about lots of things and sometimes he compromises and sometimes I do and it's remarkably even , partly because it's a key thing in our choice of relationship not to have inequalities in say in our house

However if he was behaving this selfishly then it wouldn't be home,anymore than it would be me

He would not for a moment question buying school shoes , or expecting protesting of thanks . If he feels something is wrong we will discuss it

Doormat .... I'm going to mention this when I go downstairs he'll like that one

Haha. I sometimes tell my dp about what’s said on here too. What we like eh? He has his erm, “opinions” too.

Let me know what he says won’t you

I notice the OP hasn’t been back since her rant about the 50 quid jacket. Perhaps she’s gone out with DSD to but her some new school shoes?

julie I suspect she’s gone to meet Stepparentchallenges to work out how to stop their DSDs going to the prince’s ball

@rainingcatsanddog the £50 is for his lunch box, snacks and extra things as our general evening meal doesn't cost any extra making him a portion. Or if he is with his dad a night whatever I make for us there is always some left to freeze.

Childcare be would have one day with Dad, and a day with my mum. He used to go 17 hours a week. With regards to extra gadgets as older, my son has a television in his room
Now and he also has a tablet which is constantly on charge. Currently he has 4 days Home a week which from at least 6am-10am tv is on and also all night for us adults. Considering my partner has two baths a day and our sons have w bath a day aswell I doubt if he had a shower instead it would use anymore.

As stated before though yes I do believe in a lot of benefits help as I use to earn £250 a week, get £170 a week tax credits, £80ish a week housing allowance. This was £1004 a month plus my £1000 I earnt. My bills me and him excluding w car on finance and the insurance came to £1400 a month. And you may say there clothes are more expensive However at that time he wa having designer shoes, expensive clothes etc: his swimming is £114 for a 14 week term when he gets to school age that reduces anyways leaving more money for clubs. I really do believe it is doable and have proved it because we also priced up having my two step daughters living here, we would be entitled to £225 a month of his ex wife and figures worked. I went out and looked at clothes prices etc too. But then you are all saying price of men's nikes however that is a luxury more than a necessity than can just have a cheaper pair from somewhere. And many boys of teenage age would then ask for designer trainers for their birthdays
Instead of other presents so it all balances out.

No I don't live in cloud cuckoo land but maybe some of us have one priorities set a little differently. I don't buy alcohol, cigarettes, acrylic nails, expensive hair appointments and I look at how things can be done logically. Yes my partner got through a lot of Coca Cola resulting in him not having as much for his girls, but that's his issue. My boys have never had to go without and even when I was on my own over Christmas I was actually financially better on my own!

But it's not like kids need new clothes every month so quite a lot of the months the maintenance side of clothes can be saved back for when they do need them.

Step.how can you not be sick to the stomach at what you just wrote. He drank so much fizzy pop his children missed out. What the fuck man.

Actually Step my son does need clothes every month. He's ASD and since he was tiny he either destroys clothes and shoes by ripping them, he bedwets and won't wear any type of adult nappy pant thing so bedding wears out very quickly, he toe walks so shoes wear out quickly and sometimes he just plain picks stuff apart when anxious.

And cheap trainers tend to be a bit shit when they're teens, the Nike's etc do really tend to last longer. Ergo, they're worth paying more for.

@Oswin yes he was drinking a lot of fizzy which resulted in me not always having enough money for him to spend loads when visiting the girls and meant his family cooking meals instead of going out for dinner. I would always have enough to cover the CSA and his fuel/train to go see them. However I swapped my shopping tk Aldi and reduced it massively buying their own version at 40p. But since they came and stayed for the week and we really struggled he has been to the doctors to stop drinking it (his body is so reliant on the 2-3litres jr sugary fizzy everyday) and is now saving aside that money for when they visit

Are you sure it's cola he's drinking?

I drink 2ltr of Pepsi Max a day. I can afford to pay my bills. It's £1.69 a bottle unless it's on offer (which it often is). It adds up to less than £14 a week.

Also, if you were getting £1000 p/m in wages, £1000 p/m TC and housing benefit too, you were over payed either by accident or by deliberate deception.

Why are you paying his CSA? Why isn’t he supporting his own children??

At this moment I am overjoyed and overwhelmed thinking about all the tax I pay.

Proud its his money but step controls it because hes a waster. Gambles and would rather have fun then feed his kids.

Step have you ran yet? One day when you are on the other side of the situation and its your son being treated as awfully as you both have treated his dds, then you will know. Because he will do it.

Yes frequency i was thinking the same. If i was earning 150 a week. I would probably get a similar amount in tc but my housing benefit would go right down to around a tenner. Maybe less.

I think Stop has either counted her wages in that figure twice or like you say, has been overpaid by error or deception.

Who puts cola before their own kids? Oh wait a minute, Step’s already told me the answer to that one.

@Frequency I don't see how I would have been overpaid. I don't receive it now. Housing allowance were aware of how much I got paid in tax credits, maintenance is disregarded and my work wages. Then came up with thei figure. I private rent though and my rent was £650 a month. There would have been no deception from me, the HMRC contact housing with the figure they pay out. Obviously tax credits I was getting £170 working 35 hours however that includes them adding in the percentage of childcare costs they pay as it's anything Upto 70%. As a lone parent at the time there is a line saying lone parent extra.

It was definitely Coca Cola he was drinking and now the bottle is 1.75l at £1.65 he would someday get through nearly 2 bottles. I stopped him drinking it for a few days and it was awful hence contacting Doctors. It wouldn't be anything else he has no money for drugs as all wages come direct to me, and I have never and never would touch them.
I haven't left I Beliebe people deserve a chance, he has made massive progress so why ruin a family when he is the one now making more effort.