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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

291 replies

LJayJay · 21/08/2018 09:01

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....
Been with partner now for 14 months, I’ve a 13 yo daughter and 9 yo son, he’s got 12 yo son. Partner stricter than me but very loving and fantastic father to his son who lives with him FT. He’s got great relationship developing with my DD; finds my DS harder to get on with - DS can be hyper, has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling. We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him hard just above the pelvis and then DP slapped DS on face shouting at him. I acted peacekeeper and told DP to apologise which DS didn’t want to hear and I couldn’t get apology out of DS; DP told DS he was wrong and shouldnt have slapped him, it qualifies it with “but you really really hurt me”. DS much more clingy than usual all afternoon and wary of DP but we had lunch at cafe and carried on with day. I didn’t want to be breathing same air as DP all afternoon. Found myself feeling uber protective over my kids and on eggshells in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again. This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me. It’s not first time it’s beensaid. I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things. A lot of the conversations DP and I had last night were had with prev partner too. I don’t deny DS has issues but have often felt like DP’s strict but loving approach wiTh his own son wasn’t going to be b at approach with mine. DS doesn’t do well with shouting and stern approach. No idea what to do now. Can’t get visual of him slapping DS out of my head. But DS punching him also awful. My relationship with DP has been wonderful; liberating and supportive and deep, but I have had a faint under current of a volcano that could go off and now feel so confused. All my family love him to bits, and until now I thought we could conquer anything together. Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together. Now I’m all at sea

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 21/08/2018 12:44

So on the off chance that you’re still reading OP, I hope you’ve not been back because you’re booking tickets home for you and your children without a backwards glance.

Firstly, physically overpowering your son and “pretending” he was going to throw him over is abusive in itself. Who the fuck gets a kick out of terrifying a little boy? Red flag 1.

He didn’t stop (and apparently you didn’t step in either Hmm) even when your son was in considerable distress. Red flag 2.

Your son reacted as anyone who is terrified and overpowered would, by hitting out to try and get your boyfriend to stop bullying him.

And his reaction was to slap a 9 year old boy across the face.

That’s not a red flag OP that’s a row of fucking bunting and a sign writer in the sky telling you that this is a child abusing bad bastard.

I’m not an aggressive person by nature but I’d have decked him on the fucking spot and he’d have deserved it too.

What is absolutely terrifying in your OP is that you think there’s even a question to be asked. There isn’t.

Your children are stuck with whoever you bring into their lives. You are not in any way prioritising them if you are not prepared to leave him, immediately. They deserve to be protected from him.

If you stay, you’re telling them that they’re not important, that they don’t matter, and worst of all, that their own mother will stand idly by while her latest man does as he pleases.

Stressedoverkids · 21/08/2018 12:45

This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me.

Any counsellor who hears this or what your Ds is going to say is going to be straight on to Social Services and you will have failed to protect your child.

I hope you do arrange more counselling. Poor Ds. Sad

fleshmarketclose · 21/08/2018 12:47

I'm surprised you need to ask what you should do OP the answer is obvious you support your child and get this man out of his life. Why didn't you stop him when he was terrorising your child? Your child shouldn't have had to resort to punching because he should have had a parent step in when it was clear he was scared. Hell I'd have punched him myself had he been scaring my child. He has shown his true colours now and you need to take heed, get him out of your life before he causes any more harm to your children.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 21/08/2018 12:50

Everything has already been said. You need to leave this man.

InProgress · 21/08/2018 12:51

OP please don't sell your house and move in with him. I know this thread will be tough for you to read but you wouldn't have posted unless you realised there was a rabbit off. You're confused because you can see the red flags though I suspect you've been "trained" to ignore them. Trust your intuition.

You can and will get supportive advice on here. If you don't feel you can come back to this thread. Name change and start another (Relationships is a good board). Flowers

AnoukSpirit · 21/08/2018 12:51

As sad as I feel for the op's son, I also feel sad for her that her idea of what a healthy relationship should look like is so far off.

It's really shit finding out that what you thought was a normal, good relationship is actually an abudive one.

Op, if you are still reading: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

They won't judge you or tell you to leave him. They'll just give you information that will help you make your own decisions on how to make things better.

KnitFastDieWarm · 21/08/2018 12:52

Jesus this is chilling to read. Your partner is a nasty piece of work and your DS is fully and totally justified in using physical force to prevent unwanted and aggressive physical contact. Please make sure he knows that. Then get rid of your bullying, emotionally abusive partner. What kind of person thinks a NINE YEAR OLD is ‘too close’ to their mum? Sad

KnitFastDieWarm · 21/08/2018 12:54

Also, if anyone slapped my son for any reason, let alone after frightening and goading him like that, they’d have been lucky not to have been over that cliff themselves Angry

Stimmyplip · 21/08/2018 12:55

"What kind of person thinks a NINE YEAR OLD is ‘too close’ to their mum? "

A sick, controlling, nasty shit that's who.

Gingerivy · 21/08/2018 12:56

I have a 9yo with high anxiety and if someone did that to him, he wouldn't be just crying, he would be screaming, kicking, fighting for his life. It makes me feel nauseated to think about how terrified he must have been.

thereareflowersinmygarden · 21/08/2018 13:00

This so sad.

We all know that the OP probably won't LTB.

She'll dismiss everyone on this thread as nasty bullies.

It's an old story. At worst, social services will remove the kids eventually and at best, the kids end up going no contact with the OP and their twat of a stepfather.

Happens time and again.

Why people prioritise getting a shag over their own children, I don't know.

Tillytrotter123 · 21/08/2018 13:00

I haven't read the full thread but it was absolutely out of order what you dp did. I would leave him even if he was the father, let along the stepfather. You need to get your children away from him.

LemonysSnicket · 21/08/2018 13:01

I'm scared of heights and would've Twitter your husband too. It can be a very irrational fear and you're fighting for 'your life' in your head.
I can understand if DP lashed back as an automatic reaction, but he should've seen he was wrong and tried very hard to make it up to your son. Scaring him until he cries is worse imo as DS could lose all trust of being safe with him.

YeTalkShiteHen · 21/08/2018 13:02

I have a 9yo with high anxiety and if someone did that to him, he wouldn't be just crying, he would be screaming, kicking, fighting for his life. It makes me feel nauseated to think about how terrified he must have been.

This. Sad

thereareflowersinmygarden · 21/08/2018 13:04

Scaring him until he cries is worse imo as DS could lose all trust of being safe with him.

He isn't safe with the cunt.

Doobydoo · 21/08/2018 13:06

I agree with other posters. Your son was distressed and wanted it to stop and it carried on....I think you need to leave your partner. If you think there is truth it what your previous partner said re your son then seek help. There is no way you should be staying with this 'man'.

Hidingtonothing · 21/08/2018 13:08

Your DP started this chain of events and the responsibility (and blame) lies entirely with him. Even without the slap he had crossed the line, what he was doing was fun for him but certainly not for your DS and he should have stopped (or ideally not started tbh) well before DS felt it necessary to lash out.

I hate this kind of ‘play’ and don’t understand people who continue to push it with kids when they’re clearly not enjoying it. It obviously also goes much deeper than that when you start to think about what you want your DC to learn about boundaries and what should happen if they tell someone to stop.

I don’t envy your position OP, it’s hard to walk away from someone based on one incident but, unless he has some sort of epiphany about his actions/attitude, I don’t think you have much choice. Your protective instincts kicked in for a reason and I don’t think you can afford to ignore them.

NCasIknowMNetters · 21/08/2018 13:12

I have vertigo not a fear of heights, but if I feel unstable everything spins and I'd have lashed out to under those situations. Who the fuck larks about at the top of a cliff?

Ignoring the basic premise that larking about on cliff-tops is a stupid, stupid thing to do - an anxious child? WTF? an anxious child you have a hit or miss relationship with? WTAF?

Your DS was completely justified in his attack. Self-defense and fuelled by a natural FIGHT or flight instinct. Your STBexBF however made a conscious decision to slap a child for no good reason.

I'm sure he is anxious I've just come off meds for anxiety myself so I know it's a real thing but it's not a mental health illness if there are actual threats causing it.

Physical threat to life (as it would have been perceived), emotional abuse because who would think it's a good idea to deliberately upset someone, and I'm afraid to say that if you do not stand up for your DS there is emotional neglect too, from the one person who should be his advocate. He's dealing with all the wrong body chemicals that are justifiably floating around in his system; stop that and you're halfway to helping him.

But you can stop all this now. You have that power. He's only 9. Pick him up, curl him into your lap for an hour or more and promise that little boy that you're there for him.

PrincessScarlett · 21/08/2018 13:25

Your poor poor son. If you do not leave your partner over this you will destroy your little boy. If your partner doesn't get on with your son I can well imagine this isn't the only incident where he's at the very least emotionally abused him.

Please put your son first. Your partner is a nasty abusive prick.

cantstandmenow · 21/08/2018 13:58

I by no means condone violence, but if my son, anxiety or no anxiety, was crying while a grown man threatened to throw him from a cliff, I'd have punched the shit out of him myself. A punch to the pelvis from a 9yo is nothing in comparison to how he might have emotionally scarred your son. And then he physically assaulted and victim blamed him.

Get the hell rid.

counterpoint · 21/08/2018 14:20

I still feel the terror imagining being threatened with being thrown off a cliff.

This would be a serious warning against trusting such a man near my DCs.

OnGoldenPond · 21/08/2018 14:25

OP hasn't come back to the thread. Guess she's made her choice Sad

SandyY2K · 21/08/2018 14:46

Your poor son. He was petrified and you didn't intervene. Then he has to apologise for trying to get your so called DP to let him down by punching him.

Bear in mind they don't have a great relationship anyway.

This relationship would be OVER for me.

I'd be looking for another hotel and not sitting next to him on the return flight.

How horrible that man is.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2018 15:02

OP hasn't come back to the thread. Guess she's made her choice

Could be due to Wi-Fi availability.

Stimmyplip · 21/08/2018 15:46

My Mum was walking near the edge of a smallish (5 foot) drop once and totally flipped and punched me.

She'd never suffered vertigo before but did at that moment and lashed out.

I suffer from vertigo and completely freak out next to drops, someone doing that to me would leave me a mess. Honestly, I'd need some therapy. And that's not even taking in to account it was an adult who was in a position of trust.

You need to apologise to your son for not taking action immediately and consider more counselling for him. Not because he's too close to you but because he's been living with an abusive adult.