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Original poster

New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

291 replies

LJayJay · 21/08/2018 09:01

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....
Been with partner now for 14 months, I’ve a 13 yo daughter and 9 yo son, he’s got 12 yo son. Partner stricter than me but very loving and fantastic father to his son who lives with him FT. He’s got great relationship developing with my DD; finds my DS harder to get on with - DS can be hyper, has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling. We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him hard just above the pelvis and then DP slapped DS on face shouting at him. I acted peacekeeper and told DP to apologise which DS didn’t want to hear and I couldn’t get apology out of DS; DP told DS he was wrong and shouldnt have slapped him, it qualifies it with “but you really really hurt me”. DS much more clingy than usual all afternoon and wary of DP but we had lunch at cafe and carried on with day. I didn’t want to be breathing same air as DP all afternoon. Found myself feeling uber protective over my kids and on eggshells in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again. This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me. It’s not first time it’s beensaid. I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things. A lot of the conversations DP and I had last night were had with prev partner too. I don’t deny DS has issues but have often felt like DP’s strict but loving approach wiTh his own son wasn’t going to be b at approach with mine. DS doesn’t do well with shouting and stern approach. No idea what to do now. Can’t get visual of him slapping DS out of my head. But DS punching him also awful. My relationship with DP has been wonderful; liberating and supportive and deep, but I have had a faint under current of a volcano that could go off and now feel so confused. All my family love him to bits, and until now I thought we could conquer anything together. Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together. Now I’m all at sea

OP posts:
BigBlueBubble · 21/08/2018 10:37

If my DP hit my dog he’d be gone. Never mind my child. I’m surprised there’s even a question to be asked here - the answer is obvious.

funinthesun18 · 21/08/2018 10:39

I’d have slapped him in the face if he did that to my son.
The poor boy was terrified! I think anyone would being lifted up near the edge of a cliff!

He has a better relationship with your daughter because men are often stricter with boys than they are girls. They can absolute dickheads with boys.

He needs to go.

WizardOfToss · 21/08/2018 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pytr · 21/08/2018 10:40

What he did was undoubtedly wrong.
But did he know how distressed ds was? If so you need to LTB. If not, is there a possibility he just reacted (very badly) to being punched by your ds? Has he done this kind of thing before?

llangennith · 21/08/2018 10:43

He'd be my ex-partner by now. No question. What a horrid excuse for a man.
Your poor son.

Jayfee · 21/08/2018 10:45

Sounds very bullying behaviour to me. Nly possible reason could be that he thinks he can help your son to conform more.. unlikely to be successful though.

WizardOfToss · 21/08/2018 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumteedum · 21/08/2018 10:46

You've known your boyfriend just over a year. He thinks it's OK to tell you what's wrong with your son and manhandle him, slap him and shout?

Sorry this is going to be harsh but I'm sick of women meeting and bloke and within 5 mins he's their partner and the kids are shunted together in blended families with fucked up dynamics.

I don't think what he did is remotely acceptable but at least if are not going to end the relationship, slow the heck down and don't move in together.

BruceAndNosh · 21/08/2018 10:49

Your son WAS justified in punching your DP if it was the only way it would get him to stop dangling him near a cliff top.
He does not need to apologise for doing so.

Your DP was NOT justified in slapping him back

MyCatIsBonkers · 21/08/2018 10:49

This man is abusing your child right in front of your eyes and your response is to try to get your child to apologise to him. Well done to your son for refusing. The only thing he needs to apologise for is not not punching the bastard harder.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/08/2018 10:50

All my family love him to bits, why not discuss what happened with them? See if people who hopefully have your DS's best interests at heart, still love your arse of a boyfriend then?

Juells · 21/08/2018 10:51

New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

...should read "New boyfriend has slapped my 9 y o son..."

Referring to him as a partner makes the relationship sound a lot more than it is. You're allowing a boyfriend to terrorize and hit your son, and thinking your son is to blame.

OneToThree · 21/08/2018 10:52

If anybody scared my child like that intentionally I would never speak to them again. Disgusting.

knicksfan · 21/08/2018 10:52

Op I've noticed you haven't been back.
Hope you're ok.

If you're asking yourself if this will work, if he has done this once to your child he will do it again. And potentially again and again.

It's a lot easier to leave a man after 12 months -2 years than it is after it's happened again and again and it's been years longer

TwistedStitch · 21/08/2018 10:56

The arsehole really doesn't need an apologist

This. Sickening to see a couple of posters stretching credibility to find a way for this abuser's behaviour to be okay.

diddl · 21/08/2018 10:56

" in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again."

Jesus-it's not your son's behaviour that's the problem.

"DS punches him hard just above the pelvis"

Your poor son has anxiety & lashed out in fear.

He's 9yrs old FFS!

theboud · 21/08/2018 10:57

Sorry this is going to be harsh but I'm sick of women meeting and bloke and within 5 mins he's their partner and the kids are shunted together in blended families with fucked up dynamics.

I don't think what he did is remotely acceptable but at least if are not going to end the relationship, slow the heck down and don't move in together.

^ This.

BertrandRussell · 21/08/2018 11:02

I mentioned earlier about my brother doing something similar but not anything like as bad, and how I have not completely forgiven him many years later. I should have added that my mother told me when she was very old that it actually changed the way she thought about my brother-her own son-too.

Optimusprimesmother · 21/08/2018 11:03

I would have punched your partner in the face if he did that to my child

He has crossed a serious line. How do you ever get back from that ?

MyOtherProfile · 21/08/2018 11:03

Hope you're ok OP, and your ds.

MrsChollySawcutt · 21/08/2018 11:04

If he's not your ex partner after that you be bloody ashamed of yourself.

Get your priorities straight and look after your kids.

Katjolo · 21/08/2018 11:05

End the relationship and leave now!

DCITennison · 21/08/2018 11:06

You have an opportunity here. And you HAVE to take it.

Show your son he’s loved and valued. Prove to him that nobody has the right to hurt him and that you will cut the person who did from his life and yours.

Tell ds that this man is no longer welcome in your lives because he doesn’t deserve to be. Tell him that anybody who would hurt him or scare him or fail to value him is NEVER going to be someone who has a place in your lives.

Do this and you might be on the road to undoing some of the damage he’s been subjected to so far.

I’m actually livid reading this and there’s more I’d like to say but I’m trying to keep it constructive, but please know that continuing with this man, in any capacity, is failing your son enormously and showing him he means less to you than the man who hit him.

SparklyMagpie · 21/08/2018 11:08

So what the fuck were you doing when you saw how emotional and frightened your son was before he was attacked??

I'd have pushed that prick off the cliff for a start let alone before he attacked my son

This has made me feel so sick and angry

Hoping you and your children are nowhere near this monster and you've either managed to move hotels or you've managed to get an earlier flight home

Absolutely sickening- and NO your son was not in the wrong AT ALL

RomanyRoots · 21/08/2018 11:08

I would be reporting him to ss as if he thinks it's ok to hit your child, you can bet your life this is how he treats his own children.
I wouldn't be asking for opinions from randomers on the internet, stand up for your boy, you can get a shag anywhere.