New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

[LJayJay]

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....
Been with partner now for 14 months, I’ve a 13 yo daughter and 9 yo son, he’s got 12 yo son. Partner stricter than me but very loving and fantastic father to his son who lives with him FT. He’s got great relationship developing with my DD; finds my DS harder to get on with - DS can be hyper, has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling. We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him hard just above the pelvis and then DP slapped DS on face shouting at him. I acted peacekeeper and told DP to apologise which DS didn’t want to hear and I couldn’t get apology out of DS; DP told DS he was wrong and shouldnt have slapped him, it qualifies it with “but you really really hurt me”. DS much more clingy than usual all afternoon and wary of DP but we had lunch at cafe and carried on with day. I didn’t want to be breathing same air as DP all afternoon. Found myself feeling uber protective over my kids and on eggshells in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again. This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me. It’s not first time it’s beensaid. I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things. A lot of the conversations DP and I had last night were had with prev partner too. I don’t deny DS has issues but have often felt like DP’s strict but loving approach wiTh his own son wasn’t going to be b at approach with mine. DS doesn’t do well with shouting and stern approach. No idea what to do now. Can’t get visual of him slapping DS out of my head. But DS punching him also awful. My relationship with DP has been wonderful; liberating and supportive and deep, but I have had a faint under current of a volcano that could go off and now feel so confused. All my family love him to bits, and until now I thought we could conquer anything together. Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together. Now I’m all at sea

If someone had me in a fireman's lift at the top of a cliff "joking" about throwing me off I'd fucking punch him anywhere I could reach.

I can't believe you witnessed this and thought your son should apologise for punching someone who he felt was putting him in danger.

You need to break up with this man. He is not a good man. He should have been mortified that his rough play with ds went so far and when he was punched should have put him down and said "sorry son, didn't mean to frighten you". NOT slapped the poor kid across the face. I suspect violence isn't far from the surface here and he has been itching to slap your son for a while. And I think you know it - you just can't face it.

Do not sell your house. Do not move in with him. Do not give a shit about what your friends and family think - they won't be living with him. Your poor ds will.

Just want to add op that my ds who is 11 does not respond well to shouting and shaming either. I rarely post on these sort of threads but feel you need to take on board what people have said.

Fermatstheorem you were dead right , OP is a no show.

Agreed, Mrsmadevans - terrifyingly, though, the OP reads true to me (I too wish it were a troll post). I suspect OP wanted a load of reassuring posts saying "aw, hun, your son just needs a firm hand from a father figure, you're reading too much into this." Instead, she's generated that very rare thing on MN - a thread where everyone is unanimously saying "this man is an abusive bastard who bullied and endangered your son, then physically assaulted him - get your son out of this situation immediately and dump the bastard."

I suspect OP will not be back. I also suspect that some time in the next few hours MN will pull the thread on the spurious grounds that OP has been in touch and is worried she might have outed herself (aka OP didn't get the reassuring twaddle she was looking for).

I haven’t read the thread but I can’t get over the first post.

Your DP held him in a fireman’s lift near a cliff edge? Is this for real?

I tell you if anyone had done this to me I would have punched them too. What a dangerous aggressive idiot your DP is. Honestly get him out of your sons life.

what the holy fuck have i just read?
You wouldn't be so 'confused' if you truly opened your eyes and looked past your 'need' for a man and stopped minimising the severity of this incident

Your ds has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling ....yet your 'd'p deliberately had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff...could see he was crying and..hasn’t put him down
He DELIBERATELY TRAUMATISED YOUR SON!
Yet you tried to make your son apologise for desperately trying to defend himself against a bully with the only option he had left?!
YOU should have been protecting him! Even if all you could do was yell "stop that right now!"

This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and controls me.It’s not first time it’s been said.
This was a deliberate nasty and abusive act done to terrify your son into a submissive state/role and most probably also served this arsehole's twisted desire for revenge/vengeance.
Your ds is definitely going to need more counselling now isn't he?
No doubt the dickhead is now going to use this as 'proof' to further manipulate you into believing his assertions are right and acceptable.

I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things
You need to take a long hard look at why you keep choosing abusive bullies as partners and staying with them despite the glaring red flags.

i'm so angry that i'm not even going to comment on the arsehole slapping your son....it would definitely get deleted for breaking Talk Guidelines!!!

What everybody else said.

And praise and congratulate your child who said 'no', stood up to a bully and understands bodily autonomy. More than you do. It's rare I'd tell a child that violence is justified. But it is when a bully physically restrains and threatens them. Which is what your boyfriend was doing.

OP will stay with him. That's why she has not returned to this thread. I can't tell you how much this breaks my heart.

Because for 14mth, this man has somehow seemed her soul mate (or something) so her anxiety-affected son - with whom she had a v close relationship with - is less important.

I would not make this same decision.

Hell, I would not even be posting on MN about this - I would be so fucking SURE that this man who frightened my son, so much my son punched him in fear, was out of his life.

No question.

Blimey OP - your son was scared and from the slap he got, it was confirmed to him that this man will not protect him.
I don't know where you can go from here as your DP crossed a serious trust line.

That poor child was in fear of his life.
Why on earth would you even ask the question?
I despair.

I'm really hoping that someone else witnessed this and reported it. Although I imagine when your ds talks about it during his counselling sessions that his counsellor will report to SS.

it was confirmed to him that this man will not protect him.

It was also confirmed to him that his mother wouldn't protect him, and would expect him to apologise to his bully.

My step Dad used to do that to me and my siblings over the stairs. Which was terrifying enough, let alone a fucking CLIFF.

If I were you, I’d have probably shoved DP off the cliff as soon as he put DS down. Your child was terrified and hit out in self defence.

So you have spent most of your dcs’ life going from arsehole to arsehole and listening while they slag them off

Wow

This is a safeguarding issue and it is my fondest wish that mnhq pass this thread and any available details about you from your account registration to the police and social services. A child has been assaulted and continues to be in danger.

You need to leave, and you should have done it yesterday as soon as it happened.

I cannot for the life of me understand how you are all at sea.

I'm surprised you didn't punch the twat yourself to be honest. Your poor child must have been in fear of his life.

LTB.

I can’t say what I really want to because it would only end up being reported and deleted.

The mild version - I cannot imagine being so useless and feeble that I would a) watch my anxious child be fireman’s lifted next to a cliff, clearly afraid - TELLING YOU he was afraid - without bellowing “PUT HIM DOWN NOW” and b) be fluttering around wondering if I should stay with the bloke.

Seriously. My heart breaks for some children.

No wonder the child is anxious.

MissVanjie I reported the post with a very specific question to mumsnet regarding their safeguarding policy. When a post clearly indicates that a child has been assaulted, do they have a legal (?) duty to report to the relevant authorities. My question was completely ignored. I then started a thread last night on Site Stuff asking the same question and thus far have received no response. I think this needs to be cleared up - partly because I take the safeguarding of children very seriously, but also because posters should be made aware if anonymity and confidentiality are conditional. If anyone else on this thread knows the answer let me know please.

If a boyfriend of 18 months scared my child so Much he cried, he would be gone immediately. That alone could have massive consequences for ds’s confidence and mental health.

Also your boyfriend DIDNT apologise. He justfied assaulting a nine year old bu saying the NINE YEAR OLD hurt him. An ADULT MALE. Ffs.

Op, hopefully youre still reading. Or will soon if wifi is the issue.

The conversations you had with dp after were him justifying his appalling, bullying behaviour. The fact that other ex’s have had the same Conversations with you is more Likely Down to you choosing the same shithead bully men, not your son.

Dont not sell your house.

Tell your family what your boyfriend did to your son, how scared your son was, how your son reaceted to being scared, and then what your boyfriend did to him. Im absolutely positive (unless your whole family are abusive bullies) that they will support you in dumping his abusive bullying arse. If you feel the need to lie, then you know it was wrong amd they wouldnt like him
After that and in that case youre justifying your son being abused so you have a relationship. This is not a good man. He wasnt even apologetic. He continued to blame Your NINE YEAR OLD boy.

If someone slapped my nine year old daughter id have been arrested by now.

Sorry that should have said DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE!