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Original poster

New partner has slapped my 9 y o son...

291 replies

LJayJay · 21/08/2018 09:01

Hey would appreciate thoughts on how to handle this....
Been with partner now for 14 months, I’ve a 13 yo daughter and 9 yo son, he’s got 12 yo son. Partner stricter than me but very loving and fantastic father to his son who lives with him FT. He’s got great relationship developing with my DD; finds my DS harder to get on with - DS can be hyper, has had v tough anxiety issues needing counselling. We r on hols at mo and yest DP was teasing DS about throwing him off cliff, at first they were laughing then DS began to get upset, DP had him in fireman’s lift near top of cliff, I could see he was crying and DP hasn’t put him down. Next thing DS punches him hard just above the pelvis and then DP slapped DS on face shouting at him. I acted peacekeeper and told DP to apologise which DS didn’t want to hear and I couldn’t get apology out of DS; DP told DS he was wrong and shouldnt have slapped him, it qualifies it with “but you really really hurt me”. DS much more clingy than usual all afternoon and wary of DP but we had lunch at cafe and carried on with day. I didn’t want to be breathing same air as DP all afternoon. Found myself feeling uber protective over my kids and on eggshells in case DS’ behaviour causes friction again. This has crystallised feelings DP has about DS - he thinks he has major problems, needs more counselling, and has too close a relationship to me and contros me. It’s not first time it’s beensaid. I split up with partner of over four years last summer (not a Dad) who said similar things. A lot of the conversations DP and I had last night were had with prev partner too. I don’t deny DS has issues but have often felt like DP’s strict but loving approach wiTh his own son wasn’t going to be b at approach with mine. DS doesn’t do well with shouting and stern approach. No idea what to do now. Can’t get visual of him slapping DS out of my head. But DS punching him also awful. My relationship with DP has been wonderful; liberating and supportive and deep, but I have had a faint under current of a volcano that could go off and now feel so confused. All my family love him to bits, and until now I thought we could conquer anything together. Had been planning to sell our two houses and move in as new family together. Now I’m all at sea

OP posts:
StringandGlitter · 21/08/2018 11:11

Please note that this is your partner at the point in the relationship when they should be on their best behaviour as you contemplate moving in together. This is him at his very, very BEST and it is unacceptable.

He’s crossed a massive line and if you move in together your son can expect more and more bullying and intimidation. If he can control his anger at a 9 year old, what will he be like when your son is a grumpy teenager? It will only get worse.

Please step up and protect your son. He deserves better.

IKnowItsTIMHONKSTIMHONKS · 21/08/2018 11:11

I didn't even read your whole post, the title says enough and frankly I couldn't give a shit about the semantics. I'll also admit I haven't RTFT. I'm sure you've been told a thousand times already to LTB and go to the police, and those are exactly my sentiments.

StringandGlitter · 21/08/2018 11:11

*can’t control

Domino20 · 21/08/2018 11:12

Uh yeah. You have to leave this relationship. Then you need to do some work on yourself before you get into another relationship.

SparklyMagpie · 21/08/2018 11:15

Oh and if you do stay with him, paving the way for your son to continue going through more mental and psychological issues...I could never ever get over anyone laying a hand on my child

RomanyRoots · 21/08/2018 11:16

It's your choice OP, but you are knowingly allowing him access to your son, if he mentions your partner hitting him to an adult in authority ss will be involved.
You can lose your children for not protecting them against abuse, you know.

ChinaCrisis · 21/08/2018 11:17

I grew up with a father who displayed very similar behaviour to your partner. I grew up feeling very afraid and anxious and never had the courage to challenge him on his behaviour or to stick up for myself.

That ALL changed when I became I mother. That was when everything clicked into place.

At 47 years of age I am still struggling with what happened in my childhood and suffer daily with crippling anxiety. But whilst I still lacked the courage to defend myself, I sure as hell wasn't lacking any when it came to defending my children.

I gave him him just one chance to prove that he could be a better human being to his grandchild and he failed it.

Removing him from life was the easiest decision I have ever made and not once have I ever regretted it.

You are a mother to a son. Protect him, surround him with love and get rid of this dangerous and damaging man from your life. Go to the ends of the earth if needs be but don't ever look back.

itsoknottobeokok · 21/08/2018 11:18

Kids come first before any man and especially one who hits kids. Doesn't matter that your son hit him first. Your dp was bullying your son, your son felt threatened and he lashed out. Please get this man out of your lives. It it not acceptable to allow them anywhere near him.

seven201 · 21/08/2018 11:18

You've missed the bit out where you say what you were doing while your dp had your son in the fireman's lift? Did you shout for your dp to put son down straight away? Did your dp genuinely think your son was having fun ie didn't notice the crying? In a way I think what your dp did here was worse than the slap, but you haven't given enough info, so not sure.

But... I think the slap alone would be enough for me to leave this man. Totally not ok. How strong a slap was it?

I don't think your son should be punished for the punch. He panicked and was fearing for his life (although mistakenly so).

onetimeposter · 21/08/2018 11:19

What would you say if he'd slapped you?
Leave him.
And fwiw my son has autism and EVERYONE says its how I am with him. Tough shit he's my kid and they get one childhood-get it right.
Pretending to throw an anxious kid off a cliff is fucking cruel and nasty.
Also, seems you have gone from one man to another without much gap. You need to focus on uyou and the kids not a bloke.

Willow2017 · 21/08/2018 11:21

I would have kicked him bloody hard if he did that to me never mind a frightened child.

Run now before he decides he can 'discipline' your child in other bullying ways. Totally unacceptable. He has known your child 5 minutes yet he is telling you how to raise him, what he needs, and overstepiing boundaries. Huge red flags. Protect your child and get rid as soon as you get home. (If poss leave the holiday today, i wouldnt spend another minute with someone who did that to my child)

InProgress · 21/08/2018 11:22

You do realise your 9 year old was in fear of his life? At that moment he thought your DP was about to throw him off a cliff. He's not the one with the behavioural problem, that's your DP. And that's before he slaps a child.

You could choose to stay with your DP and I can guarantee your DS will develop "behavioural issues" because of your DPs behaviour.

Have a look at how you're behaving around DP eg Are you treading on egg shells, do you defer decisions to DP? I say this as someone with a dysfunctional childhood who thought that was how everyone was so transferred some of that nonsense to my then marriage.

onetimeposter · 21/08/2018 11:23

And 'we all love him' is bollocks. You love and want to have sex with him, ergo, you have made yourself believe thats what your kids want and make him out to be gods gift to your family.

EachPeachPearRum · 21/08/2018 11:23

Well presuming this is real but rather hoping it isn't....You had a relationship with a man who didn't like your DS for 4 years. Less than a month after having that man leave your children's lives you got together with this man who also doesn't like and is abusive toward your DS.

Step back. Give yourself a very firm shake and get rid of this man. Stop dating and get counselling for yourself to figure out why you keep picking these men. Get counselling for your son because of course he's bloody anxious! His mother keeps introducing men into his life that don't like him. Sort yourself and your kids.

PortiaCastis · 21/08/2018 11:34

Step up as a mother and get shot of the abusive twat, you're doing your child a disservice letting the cruel bastard near him.
Why didn't you get shot of the cruel bastard whdn he endangered your child's life what's wrong with you? Does the boy have to die before you step up

PortiaCastis · 21/08/2018 11:37

We all love him my arse!

mamahanji · 21/08/2018 11:41

Your ds was right to punch your partner!

Your son was clearly upset and scared and a grown up continued to scare and torment him. What else should we teach our children but to protect themselves? They can ask as nicely as we tell them, but it all lies with the other person respecting that.

If someone had me in a fireman hold on top of a cliff and wouldn't put me down, I would bite their ear off and scratch their eyes out and offer no apology for it.

Your dp assaulted your son for defending himself from his torment.

I wouldn't allow that man anywhere near either of my children ever again.

I still remember being pinned down about age 8 and tickled unendingly by my aunties new husband. I was begging him to stop and he refused and carried on until I thought I was going to die and couldn't breathe. It was torture. I kneed him in the testicles on purpose finally. I was in big trouble for that and I'm still fucking angry about it 16 years later.

Ginger1982 · 21/08/2018 11:50

Get your priorities straight!

SoleBizzz · 21/08/2018 11:52

Your DS was not wrong at all. There are issues with your DP and DS. DP doesn't like your DS as I feel he did it to show him who is boss.

Why didn't you shout put my Son down NOW?

Justmuddlingalong · 21/08/2018 11:55

This relationship and it's dynamics are also detrimental to your 13 year old DD. She is learning from you what will and won't be acceptable in her future relationships.

MaverickSnoopy · 21/08/2018 12:19

I want to give your DS a great big cuddle. If someone held me at the edge of a cliff like that I would have been TERRIFIED as an adult, let alone as a child. Your poor DS probably thought he was fighting for his life.

My DD has some anxiety issues surrounding some topics. She had counselling a year ago. On a general day to day basis she's fine but if something triggers it then it often feels like we're back to square one. She's waiting for more counselling and it's a constant work in progress. Children need love and support. You don't hold a child at the top of a cliff who has anxiety. Your DP is not the right person to support your child through this as he simply does not understand.

Your DP is accountable for this not your DS in any capacity.

What is your DPs sense of humour like? Is this in keeping with his humour or was he trying to show DS there was nothing to be scared of. Just harking back to my childhood when my father held my sister over the side of a ferry as he thought it was funny - I had a massive fear of falling over. He is a gentle man with a very weird sense of humour and never did anything like it again and has only ever been kind to us, but genuinely didn't think it would upset me or see the danger because he was holding her. Guess I'm trying to work out if it was more like that or more malicious. I feel the latter based on his response.

Stimmyplip · 21/08/2018 12:32

This has made me tear up op.

Your poor son.

And without wanting to have a go at you, you asked your ds to apologise? You all went out for lunch?!!!

What message do you think you are sending to your ds? Not one of protection. I'm shocked you didn't end it then and there.

If my husband of 6 years and my ds's Father did the same if he divorcing him.

Stimmyplip · 21/08/2018 12:34

Put your kids before your own love life for fucks sake.

I say this as someone who had abusive step parents on both sides. I'll NEVER forgive my parents for not protecting me from them and putting their kids first.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/08/2018 12:42

OP, you really have no choice.

My ex-h was abusive towards my DD, but I didn't find out until after he left. It has affected her deeply. In the five years since, I have chosen to concentrate on my children and not bring any men into our lives. OBVIOUSLY had I known what was going on under my nose, I would have asked him to leave immediately. I will always live with the guilt of that.

Get rid, for the sake of your son.

MorningCuppa · 21/08/2018 12:42

This has made me feel sick.

Your ds has anxiety, doesn't have a great relationship with your dp which means he probably doesn't trust him, your dp then thinks it's funny to torment him and put your ds in a fireman's lift over his shoulder on the edge of a cliff? it doesn't bear thinking about, I'm not surprised your ds punched your dp I would have punched him too.

Your dp is an adult and should act like one.

There is no way this man would be around my children, you need to get rid of him op.