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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:

abbsisspartacus · 08/08/2018 17:31

Nice drip feed about the holiday

Original poster

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 17:33

That wasn't meant as a drip feed I was just upset n shouldn't have posted it. Her hols don't matter to me in the slightest

OP posts:

Therealjudgejudy · 08/08/2018 17:34

This has to be a wind up. If not, Op you need to get a serious grip. You sound deluded

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 08/08/2018 17:35

" I hope it doesn't interfere with her foreign holiday next week "

ahh now we are getting down to it...

Look, you CHOSE a man who already had two children. Did you think they would just disappear? or what?

ThreeIsACharm · 08/08/2018 17:35

It's not about the exw being happy! It's about the children being happy.
They have clothes on their back and full tummys because BOTH of their parents provided finance for them.
As for you not having lunch that is a shame but at least you dsd will have lunch. They might not have had food since your dh wasn't planning to pay maintenance. This is the problems you face when you pick a man with children then add another to the mix.
You attitude is awful

cheesefield · 08/08/2018 17:35

If DP has been home for 3 years can you not go back full time?

Original poster

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 17:36

Well that's not true it does irk me if they can afford that then......but I've taken on board what's been rammed down my throat on this thread and separating that from my issue, her dh prob bank rolled it anyway

OP posts:

DotForShort · 08/08/2018 17:37

Good for you for doing right by those children in this instance. Here's hoping it will be the beginning of a much more equitable sharing of the costs of raising all the children in your family.

(Though some of the OP's other comments seem almost to cancel out the positive step forward.)

WinterIsComing84 · 08/08/2018 17:37

So now you begrudge her a holiday? The woman who looks after 2 of your husband's children for 85% of the time, puts a roof over their heads and pays 100% for their every need?
You're unreal.
I bet if she popped up on here, she'd be able to tell us a lot more about this situation, and how entirely unreasonable you are. Although you're doing a pretty good job of that yourself

Isawthelight · 08/08/2018 17:39

Have you or your DH actually explained your financial situation to his exw? What does/did she say?

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 08/08/2018 17:39

it irks you that they can afford a foreign holiday AND have full financial responsibility for the children?
How does that 'irk' you, when you don't pay anything for them?

Original poster

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 17:41

Yes he has tried to explain it to her but it falls on deaf ears, all she comes back with is you don't pay cms anymore be grateful this is all I ask for.

OP posts:

mineisarossini · 08/08/2018 17:43

You are jealous of her aren’t you!

This isn’t about towels and uniform, you are jealous of his ex wife and bitterly resentful of his children.

She realised what a loser he was dumped him for someone better, and now has a much happier, wealthier life than you. You are seething at her degree, her ambition, her foreign holidays, her taste for expensive clothes whilst you have been left with her deadbeat ex ( pls two) sitting around for the past three years whilst you raise ALL of his children, pay the bills and work. No wonder you are pissed off! Who could blame you. I would be as equally pissed off. She gets to swan off with the lovely husband and life whilst you get to pack swim bags and write out cheques for school uniform.

I agree with you entirely

If you are looking for someone to blame then start with your dp, and maybe your lack of judgement for having a child with a man who couldn’t even look after the girls he already had.

Stop hating her and change your own life Op. You can get a ft job, study and then have foreign holidays too.

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/08/2018 17:50

Yes he has tried to explain it to her but it falls on deaf ears, all she comes back with is you don't pay cms anymore be grateful this is all I ask for.

Tbf she is right.

swingofthings · 08/08/2018 17:52

The sad thing in this is that your OH has probably failed to consider that it's not his ex that will judge his decision, but his kids too, and that will be without any help from her.

Kids grow up and gain emotional intelligence. They will quickly put 2 and 2 together that their dad opted for a life that suited him (off work and then studying) above doing whatever he could to support them growing up. One day, he will have to explain his choices and decision to them.

Your OH is not the only one to have suffered from severe stress and burnout from work, but that doesn't give you a right to ignore your responsibilities and only make decisions that makes your life better. We all gave up this options when we decided to have children. Your OH is taking the easy route and for some reason, you can't see how selfish that is. His kids will see it though.

Original poster

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 17:58

Hopefully the girls will have a little more understanding of mh issues then exw and appreciate that yes it was shit for a little bit but he worked hard to overcome it.

The idea that I'm jealous is frankly laughable I have nothing to be jealous of, I'll refrain from being really catty but I have things she never will, I don't rub her nose in it.

At least (I hope) this is over for now.

OP posts:

RomanyRoots · 08/08/2018 18:06

I don't think he should have become involved in another family if he can't support the one he has.
I'm sorry he's unwell, is he likely to be working soon?

You need to wise up and remember your partner has a child that he should be providing for, what his ex new partner does is irrelevant, your partner is the dad.
I really don't believe some people.

colditz · 08/08/2018 18:06

You've married a twat, hun.

yes, he's mentally ill - most mentally ill people don't financially abandon their children.

He isn't a fantastic parent. He's a fantastic parent to his meal ticket's child. Fuck the others.

mineisarossini · 08/08/2018 18:07

The girls will totally be understanding of his situation if he actually does come through with a job soon, and he helps their mother to provide for them. I doubt very much they will if he is on benefits for the next twenty years whilst pretending to study. I would say the ball is in your court op, and his.

DotForShort · 08/08/2018 18:08

You know that saying about what to do when you find yourself in a hole? You might try doing that.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 08/08/2018 18:08

if single mums have depression they can claim income support, tax credits, housing allowance etc will provide for their children and give them money

Erm...you need to read up on benefits somewhat. Whilst it’s true a single parent would be eligible for something, the roll out of Universal Credit is causing massive issues for many, many claimants. It is well documented, should you care to look. And I think you will find there are many single mum’s - and indeed none single mum’s and dad’s who, despite a diagnosis of depression, are out there working to support their children.

colditz · 08/08/2018 18:09

ps - her husband is bankrolling your partner's children to YOUR financial benefit. Be grateful another man stepped up when yours didn't.

Or, be jealous. Your choice.

RomanyRoots · 08/08/2018 18:11

ha ha, just read, he's your dh.
Gosh, you did get the short straw, I'm wondering what you have that she will never have, apart from a shit husband.
Oh, I've lived with mental health issues most of my adult life, but managed to provide for my dc.

Original poster

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 18:11

He's not a twat, really rude to judge someone you don't even know.
I know the people in this situation you don't.

Honestly she's not a nice woman, she cheated on my dh when they were together causing the split. Most cheats on mn are worse then scum but because she married well after the split and my dh became ill she gets a free pass?

OP posts:

ohreallyohreallyoh · 08/08/2018 18:14

So being the victim of an adulterer means you don’t have to support your children?

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