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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:
mineisarossini · 08/08/2018 16:32

At least by now writing the cheque, no matter regretfully it seems, you have the moral high ground again.

At some point your dh is going to have to look his adult children in the eye, and do you really want them remembering that he couldn't even make to provide a school uniform or a towel for swimming?

We are accountable as parents. You are accountable as their stepmother.

You have to provide, you have to care, you have to pack swim bags, tidy up after them and look after them. You are a blended family. They are now family, or at least they ought to be. No, you are not their mother accepted, but you are their mother figure when they are with you, and the half sisters of your son. So for goodness prise open that heart of yours whilst they are still young enough to accept you and care about you and continue to do the decent thing.

Your deadbeat husband needs to get a job and many of your problems will be solved, but I guess it is easier to bash his ex than actually get him off the sofa.

Working and exercise is good for people with depression, and I am talking from years of experience. All the best.

Pebblesandfriends · 08/08/2018 16:33

I think it's completely fair to ask him to pay half. She we shouldn't be in a position where she is having to ask, he should be offering or buying half the uniform himself.

Littlechocola · 08/08/2018 16:43

But they are his children! Why should he pay nothing! I understand that he’s unwell and that he has another family but he is their dad as much as he’s dad to your dc.
I love that you see her studying as the ‘height of indulgence’. Maybe she’s studying to improve her career prospects which in turn will help her to provide for her children?

StepBackNow · 08/08/2018 16:45

I think it's completely fair to ask him to pay half. She we shouldn't be in a position where she is having to ask, he should be offering or buying half the uniform himself.

Which part of "he doesn't have the money" don't you get? FFS.

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 16:49

Well they've managed to find some money now apparently.

StepBackNow · 08/08/2018 16:54

And left themselves with nothing. That's really fair.

Beaverhausen · 08/08/2018 16:55

I might be wrong OP but aren't you the same lady who had the posh treats for your son and bought store brand ones for you stepchildren then complained because they were caught eating your DS's?

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 16:55

To be frank, so what? Who expects to have money to spare with one part time job between 2 adults, and 3 kids to support? Do you think resident parents can opt not to feed and clothe their kids if it means they'll be left short?

Crossroads18 · 08/08/2018 16:57

@lycanwolf

Firstly please don't listen to the negatives on here, it sounds like your in a very difficult position: and it isn't for you to pay for maintenance, uniforms etc on behalf of your husband. Until people have had bad depression they don't always understand and I can tell you now that yes if single mums have depression they can claim income support, tax credits, housing allowance etc will provide for their children and give them money. Your husband will find it harder as his kids aren't resident and unfortunately the government won't see him as a priority like they do a single Mum. The ex wife I should imagine would have dealt with this over their time together so I would expect her to have more empathy. And if you are able to help buy items at Tesco for uniform etc she should be grateful you are trying in this hard situation not complain it's not good enough. Even if it only lasts a few months it gives her a few months to save money for the items you bought and saved her originally. Too many ex wife's will demand it has to be Clark's and from
This shop to just try and fleece the ex husbands. My partner wx was like it and now that we go out and buy what we want where we want she doesn't complain if it's not costing her so just thinks we will give in by her complaining before we buy it. Honestly just ignore she is trying to make it worse for your husband and then can play the poor me card. Does he get any benefits as csa ask for something like £7 a week
Out of their benefits would that be something he could
Look into?
Clothes wise I always send my son to his dad with clothes because there is no point him buying lods when they only have them one or two days a week I would rather he saves that money for days out and quality time with our son instead. I send him with swimming stuff and his armbands for swimming etc. I don't think you meant it to sound horrid that your son is your priory as you are just being a mum protecting your son and it always can be worded worse than it is.

Keep your head up, you will get through

sockunicorn · 08/08/2018 16:58

Why shouldn't she work ft, she's doing a degree which is the height of indulgence, decreased her hours to do a placement. That deficit would cover the costs she's asking for.

are you serious?? she pays 100% for her children everyday, as well as 86% of the child custody and your saying she should work full time so she can pay 100% of EVERYTHING!?

Who pays for your DS's swimming stuff and toys? Because if he can pay for one child he should be paying for 3.

Scroungers.

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/08/2018 17:00

Too many ex wife's will demand it has to be Clark's and from This shop to just try and fleece the ex husbands

Yeah right. Hmm

Kidssendingmenuts · 08/08/2018 17:00

I'm sorry but he is there Dad, regardless of who makes what in a wage he must provide for his children. If that's 50% of uniform costs then so be it. It's not unfair at all. Why should mum fork out for it all. I'm sure if you were in the same situation you'd expect half too. I know I would. I'm sorry but your being completely unreasonable.

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 17:00

And I think it is the OP's attitude that has annoyed most posters. Not having the money is one thing, slagging the ex off for daring to ask for a contribution, not providing towels (FFS) and calling her studying (whilst working) an 'indulgence' whilst defending her partner for also studying whilst not working- is quite another.

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 17:03

Not the OP Beaver but that poster has just made a timely arrival onto the thread to defend her.

ZenNudist · 08/08/2018 17:08

Thats awful. Why is it all down ro exw to pay? He needs to start stepping up and looking after his dc. Easier said than done if hes genuinely ill. How is he dealing with the depression?

She should keep asking. He needs to be more responsible

cheesefield · 08/08/2018 17:09

.

Oswin · 08/08/2018 17:16

Ops just the kind of new partner who the ks the mother is responsible for everything.
Fucking towels!!
Jesus christ.

Same type of person who would be banging on about his rights if she decided to make decisions without him.

Font so sdc are visitor then. Oooh right. So next thread asking should sdc help out with chores then you will obviously say no way they ate visitors. And of course you treat visitors very different, you make it special.
Yeah right.

Oswin · 08/08/2018 17:17

Font so you and Op think the ex should provide everything for these kids. Bloody everything. Ops moaning about towels ffs.

Elllicam · 08/08/2018 17:18

I really admire people like your DP’s ex wife. She has fully supported her children for years while working and studying. Your DP on the other hand has not supported his children, does not supply clothes or toys or even a towel for them. You then have the unmitigated cheek to complain about her asking for money for school clothes? You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Original poster
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 17:20

Thanks to everyone who has tried to see it from my POV.
This is a really difficult situation and without outing myself irl we aren't entitled to any more help then we currently receive, keeping our heads just above water with the afore mentioned help from my parents.

Yes we have given some money now, that was all we had including my money for lunches at work, made at home before any one digs, will struggle for the rest of the month now but as long as the exw is happy who cares right.
I hope it doesn't interfere with her foreign holiday next week Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 17:21

I shouldn't of added that last part im just a bit upset.

OP posts:
Daftenough22 · 08/08/2018 17:22

I almost feel this is a wind up??
Your approach to your step kids is kind of sad, i have a DSS and even in times of real financial struggle his maintenance, school uniform money, school trip money etc would never ever have been cut back on, as adults we provide for our kids first and go without ourselves as necessary. That's what responsible parents do.

It's awful that your husband is suffering with MH issues, I hope he gets back on his feet soon.

The wider issue is you accepting those kids as your responsibility to provide for as much as your own son is. Would you send your son to school without uniform?

The comment about a towel!! Come on that's pathetic, you must have two towels handy? Also toys, what on earth do the kids do or play with when they are with you? What do you get them for birthday or Xmas?

Im sorry OP but if this isn't a wind up you've really come across as uncaring and one of those kind of step parents that are slated on here and rightly so with your original post, mh issues aside that is.

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 17:23

It isn't the ex's fault that you and your partner are struggling to manage your basic responsibilities. There is nothing stopping you getting a full time job, you have a SAHP available.

B00kworm86 · 08/08/2018 17:26

Get over yourself OP....if you were my kids SM, id be pretty livid!

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/08/2018 17:27

but as long as the exw is happy who cares right.

It's not for his exW it's for his DC. He has responsibility for them whether you like it or not.

It's coming across more and more like you wish they didnt exist.