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Step-parenting

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Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 18:14

If he exw was posting that she (as a well off married woman) working pt and studying wanted her exh, who was struggling with mh issues, to cough up £200 for uniforms, you'd all be defending him, talking about the severity of mh and telling her to be more sympathetic.

OP posts:
multiplemum3 · 08/08/2018 18:16

Nope I'll never defend a man who doesn't pay for his kids and takes this much persuading to pay half of their uniform

smudgedlipstick · 08/08/2018 18:17

This reply has been deleted

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RomanyRoots · 08/08/2018 18:17

A question

How shit is it for your ds, does his father financially support him?
Studying, so he doesn't have to cough up will be totally understood by his children, you needn't worry about that.
OP it's 2018, you can't really be with a man who does this to his family.
How are you going to feel when he leaves you for somebody younger and becomes ill again.
I bet you'll be a bit miffed when he doesn't support your child.
repeat after me, because you don't seem to understand" They are somebody else's ex for a reason.

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 18:25

Ds is fine thank you all his needs are met

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 08/08/2018 18:26

I thought that would be the case, those poor girls, what a shame. Sad

swingofthings · 08/08/2018 18:26

Hopefully the girls will have a little more understanding of mh issues then exw and appreciate that yes it was shit for a little bit but he worked hard to overcome it
His girls will think the same than everyone else, that if he has managed to get well enough to study, he would be well enough to take on some work.

It's not about how much he can give, it's about showing that he actually care about them enough to try to do something with them. He could have taken a part-time job, only a few hours for a few months, and he could then have written to their mum and say 'I'm really sorry that you have had to support our girls on your own for all this time. I am doing everything I can to get better and when I do go back to working FT, I will pay double maintenance to make up for those lost years and will continue to support the girls through Uni if they opt to go. In the meantime, I've managed to work a few hours and have raised enough to contribute something towards their school uniform'.

That indeed might have brought on some sympathy. Feeling sorry for himself and accusing their mum to be unfair for daring to ask a little contribution is not going to get his girls to feel any respect for him.

How much longer does he have to study and what wonderful job does he expect to get out of it that will mean a much better working life whilst being to contribute reasonably towards his three children?

DilianaDilemma · 08/08/2018 18:27

Hopefully the girls will have a little more understanding of mh issues then exw and appreciate that yes it was shit for a little bit but he worked hard to overcome it.

I am tue girls, as in: one of two sisters that grew up with a mentally ill father who wasn't contributing a penny.

IME, yes, we understand MH issues. When we grow up with a parent who has them, we understand the fall-out better than most. But don't think it doesn't grate. It's not an intellectual thing - it's a childhood spent with your emotional needs (on top of your material ones) going unmet by one of your parents.

It's the small things that really hurt: your towels, for example.

Every grown up child will understand genuine inability to pay maintenance. No normal adult will look back and understand their mother being berated and vilified as the exW is here.

Growing up with a mentally ill parent is kind of crap to start with, actually. You don't really get the emotional support you need from at least one parent. And then you grow up and grow to realise, on a purely intellectual level, that this may not have been malice but genuine inability. But that doesn't undo the hurt and the feeling of abandonment. It doesn't magically fix your relationship with your parent.

Working hard to improve things is obviously the way to go. But until your husband can actually give those kids everything they need it's twice as important that they get everything that they possibly can. And I mean this for emotional much more than financial reasons.

Slagging off the mum is just very much not that.

On behalf of my own, lovely, brave and very often desperate mother who raised two little girls alone, tried to make sure we actually had some semblance of a relationship with our father, paid for everything we needed and - yes! - took us on foreign holidays, I find this very unfair.

Your DH needs to get help, obviously. And you really, really need to stop blaming the ex. I get that you may not be able to contribute much financially - and if that's the situation it obviously needs to be fixed ASAP and will be understood later if it is. But making it out as though the kids' needs are an unacceptable extravagance is inexcusable.

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/08/2018 18:27

Honestly she's not a nice woman, she cheated on my dh when they were together causing the split

Absolutely nothing to do with supporting his DC financially. Nothing at all.

FrillySpidersWillys · 08/08/2018 18:34

Your Husband should be supporting his children

swingofthings · 08/08/2018 18:36

Honestly she's not a nice woman, she cheated on my dh when they were together causing the split
It all depends how you look at it. If she hadn't, they would still be together and you wouldn't have met him and have a child together. She contributed towards your happiness indirectly.

takeittakeit · 08/08/2018 18:39

You are the person who posted a while back about your salary not going towards CM because the EX asked that the fathers family contribute. He had just been made redundant and was trying hard to find a job.
On that everyone agreed with you and you felt justified.

So we are about 4 months down the line and he has no job, is a SAHD and not contributing towards his DCS uprbinging and welfare - prize wanker you caught!

So actually the mother is supporting your family aswell, by making up the shortfall .

DotForShort · 08/08/2018 18:40

Good post, Diliana.

OP, I recommend that you read Diliana’s post carefully.

RomanyRoots · 08/08/2018 18:49

Gosh OP was that you? Suggesting your money shouldn't go towards cm?
What a hypocrite, pge 4 your suggesting the ex new partner should pay.
Keep digging love, you sound as bad as your dh, you are well suited.

I hope he does the same to you, I'm not normally a spiteful person and like to see both sides, but you just ain't getting it sister, and you probably won't until it happens to you.
for those two girls life now, substitute your ds future life.

thegingeningeclansmum · 08/08/2018 18:50

He is their father he should pay half for everything. If you are struggling you can apply for a crisis loan from the DWP but he needs to step up and be a parent. I'm sure your child will have new uniform for school that he will contribute to so why not HIS daughters??

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 18:52

Sorry to disappoint but that's not me

OP posts:
takeittakeit · 08/08/2018 18:54

sorry - the situation is so similar bar the MH issues and not redundancy

Some of your arguments are word perfect the same!!

Either way - he is the father and if he can support one child he can support all three.

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 19:05

And he will once he's well again, a little sympathy is all that's required here

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 19:09

You don't think after 3 years and him having another kid whilst not providing for his existing ones might have exhausted any sympathy? She is already taking full financial responsibility for their children. Expecting her to have warm fuzzy feelings about doing so is taking the absolute piss.

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 19:12

And kids don't go into a state of suspended animation whilst their parents decide to take the time 'improve their prospects' instead of getting a job that pays as soon as they are able. They need feeding all the time you know.

colditz · 08/08/2018 19:12

Sympathy doesn't buy shoes that fit.

And for someone pleading for sympathy, you're being quite amazingly callous about a single parent who has been left to raise two children unsupported while the father supports another child and meets all his needs.

Your husband's ex wife is not the perpetrator here. Your husband has left his children unsupported for three years, and YOU, far from being contrite and ashamed to be a part of this, are trying to whip up a baying mob in his defence!

"Doesn't send a towel" sums you up completely.

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 19:15

So in this situation what SHOULD I do?

We've already given her all the money we have left for the month, I can't win!!

OP posts:
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 19:17

The fact is she's in a much better financial position then is atm, she knows we are struggling and the trouble it will mean for us trying to raise the cash she wants...

If it was ME, I'd address it be having a discussion saying I know it's difficult for you right now and I expect you to make up for it when you're back on your feet, but then I'm a nice person who CARES about other people's feelings

OP posts:
colditz · 08/08/2018 19:19

She hasn't caused your financial situation and she is not responsible for it.

Your husband has a responsibility to his kids. You asked is she being unreasonable to ask him to meet SOME of his responsibility. She is not being unreasonable. Then you basically sayd "Wah wah wah he's ill she's a bitch she had an affair we're poor I have a child her husband's loaded"

All completely fucking irrelevant. Your husband HAS THREE CHILDREN.

Karigan198 · 08/08/2018 19:19

How much nice do you expect from her? How long was it you said he hasn’t paid anything for on page 2. Was it 3 years?

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