Unfair exw

[lycanwolf]

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

[LunaTrap]

AliceRR you don't think OP is unreasonable for complaining that the ex dared to ask for a contribution? You think it is okay for her to complain about having to provide towels?

[WinterIsComing84]

OP, I can't believe that you think you sound reasonable. Read this thread back, and try and digest it from an independent point of view...
Of course you and your DP are being ridiculously out of order, MH issues or not. Some contribution is better than nothing at all. I fail to believe that you (as a couple) couldn't cut back at all, to be able to supply £40 a year for new uniform for his daughters. It's ludicrous.

[Wheelerdeeler]

The ex has the children virtually full time with no maintenance for 3 years , works and studies, while their father hasn't worked in 3 years yet she is the indulgent one because she's studying for a degree???

Hats off to that woman.

[lycanwolf]

I'd just like to point out for the pp who keep referencing £40 for uniform. She is asking for almost £200 to include Clark's shoes and embroidered blazers, mandatory skirts from specialised uniform supplier. It's an amount we couldn't possibly spare.
In light of this I've been talking with dh and have issued a cheque to pay what we can, leaving us with nothing :(

[AliceRR]

@LunaTrap the towels were probably a bad example but I took that to mean things like swimming trunks, goggles whatever they would have at their mothers and she could send with them so OP and her partner don’t have to buy them. It sounds like they might be down on their luck and not have any spare cash. We don’t know the full story so cannot judge whether he could be doing more to earn money. I am conscious that OP came on here for support and it’s fine to give an opinion if you are asked for it but some people get very aggressive.

[LunaTrap]

Being down on your luck and not having spare cash is one thing. Slagging off the only parent who is actually providing for the kids is quite another, especially when it has been going on for so long.

[continuallychargingmyphone]

He should be prosecuted for child neglect and abandonment.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

You should be ashamed, my dd goes through shoes like no ones business I bought the kickers and they lasted all year and still ok now, sometimes it’s better to spend more and get more out of items. Your begrudging the mandatory items she’s been told they have to buy them! Stop playing the victim and stop slagging the ex off

[Snappedandfarted2018]

£200 quid is a fair amount for two girls uniforms.

[MinorRSole]

I'm bemused at how exw working and studying makes her indulgent whereas your dh studying and not working is improving his future prospects!

[AmIAWeed]

Clark's shoes and embroidered blazers, mandatory skirts from specialised uniform supplier other than the clarks shoes the rest will be mandatory from the school - so are you going to start another thread slating the school for not providing free uniform whilst your husband studies and you work part time?
You attitude actually makes me angry.
As for writing a cheque so you have nothing, why should you have any spare money when there are children to be provided for?
I ate at a bloody soup kitchen so I could ensure my children were fed. I worked 2 jobs and studied - even when I got a good job as a result I had years of debt to pay off, but still my kids ate, had a roof over their head and had clothes.
That's what being a parent is all about - putting the kids ahead of yourself - all of your children, and if you chose to be with someone who already has kids, you should also include them.

[StepBackNow]

OP, leave it now. There are people here who just don't want to understand. I'm sorry for what you are going through and sorry that some here enjoy putting the boot in.

Walk away from them they don't want to try to understand.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

Step back now imagine if the mom being a RP didn’t clothe her dc. Get a grip!

[Snappedandfarted2018]

If they know she was going to ask for a contribution towards uniform they could have saved small amounts throughout the year

[Somerville]

I have every sympathy with adults who have severe health problems, whether those be physical or mental. The thing is, a significant proportion of the parents in this country have severe ill health at one time or another, and they get on and provide for their children anyway. Lots of us have been there, and have done so.
Personally I believe an adult who is well enough to study is well enough to work, and should be prioritising meeting the financial and emotional needs of all his children.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

I'm bemused at how exw working and studying makes her indulgent whereas your dh studying and not working is improving his future prospects!

^^This.

[abbsisspartacus]

Perhaps you should get a full time job so you won't be left short in future? I'm saying this as a mom of three with mental health issues who works and gets fuck all help from either of my ex's my dds dad hasn't contributed for 15 years due to "depression" my ds's dad stops contributing on a whim this time it's because he has chosen to take time off work you couldn't make it up really

[SillySallySingsSongs]

Walk away from them they don't want to try to understand

Understand what? It's difficult I really do get that, however try being the RP getting absolutely nothing from the NRP and see how tough that is. They don't have the option of saying well we can't afford it.

[fontofnoknowledge]

Fgs the ex wives club really is out in force !!

Op. If your DH is unwell and receiving benefits he has likely been assessed as not being expected to contribute maintenance. THATS THE LAW. The reason for this is that the children do not live with you. You do not receive child benefit for them.

For all those on their great big moral high horse asking 'ahhh if the mother was sick she would still have to pay for her kids - she doesn't have a choice not to feed them ' - that's all bullshit !!
If the mother was sick and unable to work then as the RESIDENT PARENT she can claim child benefit, child and working tax credits and housing benefit with a child premium. NONE OF WHICH ARE AVAILABLE TO A NON RESIDENT PARENT .

You DO NOT need a small wardrobe of clothes OP. They are visitors. People who stay 4 days of 28 are Visitors NOT residents.

Good luck. MH is very hard work. Do what you can and pay for what you are legally obliged to until things get easier.
Any income for the children can be claimed by THE RESIDENT MOTHER.

[KissMeLikeYouMissMe]

I don't think anyone is minimising the financial difficulties of the OP's situation but her attitude is regretful. Hopefully in time your financial situation will improve but I honestly think you need to stop and look at your perspective on these children and their mum.

My son has to wear an embroidered blazer for school, it costs £60.....if he doesn't wear it he gets kicked out of school. This isn't a luxury - they have to have it in order to attend school. if a child doesn't attend school the attendance officer will visit, seeing as exw is the resident parent they will turn up on her doorstep.

The comments on this thread would have been entirely different if you had explained it from a point of view that had some empathy and respect for the exw.

[jmh740]

I'm a step parent and also had an ex who paid nothing for ds I had a bit of sympathy for you until you said she was being indulgent doing a degree. If she wants to buy her daughter's branded trainers etc that's nothing to do with you, yes she could cut back but why should she? She shouldn't have to pick up the slack because your husband can't take care of his responsibilities. The girls have 2 parents your oh needs to take some responsibility. I understand his MH needs but what is he doing to provide for his children? I also don't understand why you are only working part time? How old is your child? You say your stuck because you had to go pt after mat leave, I thought you had to go back to the same or equivalent? If your child is under 3 then he was born while your husband hasn't been working? Why can't your husband take care of your child while you work full time, I think it's indulgent for a couple with a child to only have 1pt job between then.

[KissMeLikeYouMissMe]

also fonto that's not true. if exw experience MH problems and couldn't work her new husbands income would be included in the calculation for CTC and he would be expected to support her (I'm not sat that he shouldn't but she wouldn't necessarily be entitled to tax credits if his salery is over the threshold)

[SillySallySingsSongs]

Fgs the ex wives club really is out in force

Nope I and quite a few others have said we are SM

You DO NOT need a small wardrobe of clothes OP. They are visitors. People who stay 4 days of 28 are Visitors NOT residents

Way to make your DC feel part of your family by having nothing for them at their NRP house and calling them 'visitors'

[TeddyIsaHe]

fontofnoknowledge (totally appropriate username btw) op’s step-children and not visitors! They are her husband’s kids for goodness sake. How evil do you need to be to treat your own children as bloody visitors?