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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:

LeroyJenkins · 09/08/2018 06:37

I agree with the other posters, you are a rare mn-er indeed!

I think you have been under a lot of pressure, and I'm glad to see you are planning to get dh to pull his weight a bit more.

He needs to deal with ex w, not.you

Good luck

Faithless12 · 09/08/2018 06:54

I’m glad that you’re seeing things from a different perspective however, you saying that you’d handle things differently in her shoes shows how little you truly understand. I said I wouldn’t want an ex to pay maintenance I could survive without it, which is true we survive without him paying a penny of maintenance. The truth is it pisses me off that he’d rather buy whatever shit he buys instead of contributing towards his son. It’d piss me if he got with someone like you who commented on the designer shoes he wore. The most important things are children’s feet, teeth and education. My DS has shoes that are expensive to look after his feet. I go without so he can have things that will last instead of cheap shit. No one who pays nothing has the right to bitch about how she spends her money. He has a maintenace loan and probably would get a help from his university, how about you look at what he’s done with that when I was at uni most people saved enough to go on expensive holidays during the summer using the summer payment.

On the providing clothes front and swimming stuff. I have actively refused to do this. He pays nothing and has form for keeping them. I’ve sent him with a bag of clothes and cane back without the bag and only the clothes he was wearing. Why should I be further out of pocket? They are fathers and shouldn’t be actively making the mothers job harder, they should be supporting their children even if that’s at the detriment of his lifestyle. I’m sure the mothers lifestyle has been affected by having children.
Further I note that you haven’t said how old your son is. I’m guessing that he is 2 or younger showing that he was conceived within your DH’s unemployment.

Btw my xh tells everyone I cheated. He doesn’t tell everyone the real reason I left, his is a bullshit story so everyone feels sorry for him.

swingofthings · 09/08/2018 07:23

It's very rare for posters who get slated to have the guts to stay and read all the posts and take into account what's been said. Most disappear after a couple of pages, so good on you.

I still don't like her, we are massively different people and I maintain I'd handle things differently in her situation
What you've got to remember is that his ex doesn't love, probably even like your OH. She probably thinks he is a loser and using MH as an excuse for being lazy. Maybe she is right and you are blinded by love, or maybe she doesn't get it because she doesn't live with him to see how ill he truly is. He is clearly doing nothing to try to smooth things with her, so clearly she won't change her mind. All she is focused on is what she's got to do to pick up where he is failing.

It is not too late to make things better. As said, my situation is very similar but in the boots of the ex. I had a strong dislike of my ex and his partner when I was dealing with all the stress of it but I then turn the page, stopped expecting or even hoping for anything and it made things easier. Then one day, my ex's partner did something for one of my child that will make a huge difference to them, which didn't have to do, and I will forever be thankful for that.

Who knows, maybe your OH will get better, get back to FT work, earn a decent amount and make up for 3 years of failure to support his kids. I hope he does and this time will be all forgotten. I do hope for you too because otherwise, you might one day wake up and realise that maybe his ex had good reasons to want to move on with her life without him in it.

pigeondujour · 09/08/2018 07:29

I'm going to give her a call tomorrow and explain I really can't spare that money, I just can't and go from there.

Have I got this right - you (not your husband, father of the children) are going to phone his ex wife, who pays 100% of the children's housing costs and expenses, and say you can't 'spare' any money for them? What do you envisage 'going from there' looking like? I'm really hoping when you say 'can't spare that money' you don't mean you're going to ask for the money you've already given her back...

You're still not getting it. You shouldn't be speaking to her at all. Your ex should be the one speaking to her and what he should be saying is "I'm so sorry it wasn't the full amount but I hope the cheque helped at least a little with the uniforms. I'm going to get a full time job as soon as humanly possible and give you my full wage for as long as it takes until I've made up what I should have been paying all along. Have a great holiday."

That shouldn't leave you short, because as you say all your son's needs are met on your part time salary, but you can add to your household pot for him by actively getting a full time job.

lunar1 · 09/08/2018 07:53

Nothing would piss me off more than the dad of my children's wife ringing up to say she couldn't spare the pittance being offered. Why isn't your husband calling?

Zoflorabore · 09/08/2018 08:04

I think you deserve a bit of credit for acknowledging that you have been a bit of a tit op

Said in the nicest possible way of course.

Now it's time to make a plan going forward.
You're going to have to be absolutely hard on your husband. He needs a kick up the arse and I say that as someone who suffers with MH problems myself.

Just put yourself in her shoes and think how you would feel if your dh left ( for whatever reason ) and couldn't/wouldn't contribute towards your dh. It would break your heart. More than the money. I've been there.

SebastianCrab · 09/08/2018 08:07

Please don't phone her. Do NOT put yourself in that position, it isn't fair on you (or her) This is your partners problem to deal with, why are you picking up his slack in regards to things that really aren't your issue?

I'd say for your OWN mental health you need to take a step back from this situation and disengage. I get that you're trying to be helpful, but it's at your own mental (and financial apparently) expense.

Right now your partner is getting away with not providing for his children, not working, the luxury of studying... and now he's got you dealing with the consequences of it!

You're going to be on fast-track to burn out yourself here if you're not careful... what would happen for your son then? Disengage. Disengage. Disengage. There's being supportive and there's being a doormat. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Quartz2208 · 09/08/2018 08:16

Dont phone her - its not your or her responsibility. It is his - it sounds like he burnt out doing his job and wants to retrain - well fine but that doesnt stop his responsibilities.

You are carrying him and she is being forced to as well which is the issue - he needs to get some part time work

Elllicam · 09/08/2018 08:21

Hang on are you asking for the money back?! The only £200 that your family has contributed to these kids in years?

StepBackNow · 09/08/2018 08:25

It's £200 of OP's money - or her parents'. She shouldn't have paid it in the first place, given her circumstances. Not her responsibility - why don't people get that?

pigeondujour · 09/08/2018 08:37

She is asking for almost £200

In light of this I've been talking with dh and have issued a cheque to pay what we can

So it's a 'what we can' portion of the required 'almost' (so less than) £200. Asking for that back would be asking for nuclear warfare and the ex wife would be unequivocally in the right.

SillySallySingsSongs · 09/08/2018 08:46

This isn't going to end well.

Your DH should be providing for all of his DC not just the one he has with you.

mydogishot · 09/08/2018 08:46

The idea that I'm jealous is frankly laughable I have nothing to be jealous of, I'll refrain from being really catty but I have things she never will, I don't rub her nose in it.

Like your ds has a father who is interested and pays towards his life.

You sound very bitter and jealous of her.

I'm assuming if asked you dh says that he is a father of three.
So does my ex. Father in name only.

Please do not have anymore children with this man who is getting his little woman to fight his battles for him.
How dare she want him to pay for his responsibilities, she should be grateful that he even acknowledges them.

SandyY2K · 09/08/2018 08:52

It's very rare for posters who get slated to have the guts to stay and read all the posts and take into account what's been said. Most disappear after a couple of pages, so good on you

100% this.

funinthesun18 · 09/08/2018 08:56

So the op’s husband is out of work and can’t afford to pay towards any of his children, including his child with the op. The op isn’t exactly rolling in money is she if she’s the sole earner and working part time? I’m not really surprised she isn’t jumping at the chance to pay for her dsc’s uniform out of her own pocket. If her husband gets sickness benefits then obviously he could contribute with that but not sure if he does.

Takemetovegas · 09/08/2018 08:58

I have huge sympathy for you OP. You've been hoodwinked by your useless DP into taking responsibility for all of the things he can't be arsed dealing with. I get that he has MH issues but he's also a selfish loser.
Tell me how much of the boring day to day does he deal with while you're at work and he's trying to do his important studies? Are you expected to prepare everything those girls need when they stay? How long have you and DP been together?
Instead of phoning the exw to take back the money (that we're all assuming is the full £200 but I suspect is somewhat less than this) why don't you call and ask why she left in the first place you might hear some familiar things.

WatchingFromTheWings · 09/08/2018 08:58

I'm going to give her a call tomorrow and explain I really can't spare that money, I just can't and go from there

It's not your place to be doing that. Your husband needs to be paying for his kids dealing with his ExW.

mydogishot · 09/08/2018 09:03

You do need to tell your husband to be dealing with his responsibilities.

Stop being his secretary/mum.
He is a grown man.

He has chosen to study rather than be responsible.

Instead of posting on here and everyone me included think you're being a selfish and bitter new wife, you need to get selfish with your time.
Tell your husband he has to step up and deal with his ex.

Its not your place to.
If he is well enough to study, he is well enough for a conversation.

However, I still think you shouldn't have anymore kids with him.

Original poster

lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 09:20

Just to clarify, the cheque has been written but not given yet, it wasn't for the full £200.

Having slept on it though I'm not going to call her, but she can't have it. I need it for surviving the month.
Dh can sort this, I'm going to go to my dps for a few days to sort my head out.

OP posts:

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 09:23

The OP's partner must be getting some money- student loan, sickness benefit? OP isn't responsible for his DC's costs but he is being funded to exist somehow. Can he not even spare £5 per week as a token gesture? I doubt he is going without food and clothing.

roundsquareround · 09/08/2018 09:31

The thing that jumped out at me was you know every year the ex will ask for help towards uniform costs and he doesn't pay any maintenance so you knew it was coming so why didn't your partner save up for it? Even if he could only contribute a small amount.

LimboLuna · 09/08/2018 09:37

I really hate piling in op. My ex had mh issues and I spent many years defending him like you are. But actually in my case I now realise his mh weren’t to blame for his financial issues.

the time to study and improve prospects is when your financial responsibility is finished or not begun yet. (Althoygh your parents are proof it can go on longer)
From the timeline these girls are secondary school? So he’s not got that long to go anyway?

pigeondujour · 09/08/2018 09:38

it wasn't for the full £200.

she can't have it. I need it*

Poor kids and their poor mother.

Original poster

lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 09:41

@pigeondujour it's money from my wages. As many pp have pointed out this is dps problem to fix.
I'm more then happy to contribute normally but not to the detriment of my family.

OP posts:

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 09:45

So why can't your DH give £5 a week (that even benefit claimants are obliged to pay) from whatever money he uses to live on?

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