Unfair exw

[lycanwolf]

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

She cheated too? I call bingo

Omg @swingofthings I thought you were actually coming on to say you WERE the ex and I was about to go get the popcorn 🍿

In all seriousness though, whilst I sympathise with your situation to an extent OP, and sympathise generally with stepmums... this really doesn't sound like a "crazy ex" scenario.

If you really dislike this woman as much as you're implying I'd be working my ARSE off to make her think I wasn't struggling even if I was. She's winning. I'd be out there providing that money with a smile on my face making her think all was good over my way and wouldn't want her for a SECOND knowing that she wasn't doing better.

I hope your situation improves soon and your DH is able to step up to his responsibilities for the sake of all his kids.

If he's well enough to go to school and we'll enough to have his kids unsupervised he's well enough to have a full time job. I really respect the ex-wife. She is providing well for the kids 100%. She isn't coming after the child support she's entitled to and she is putting up with all this ridiculousness to try to save the kids relationship with their dad and brother. Please try to realise you will likely be the same as the ex-wife in a few years.

i hate to add my voice to the many, but his daughters will grow up and realise that he just didnt care enough about them

like a lot of people here, i had a deadbeat dad that didnt bother with me, well you know what - he has 2 gorgeous GDC (from me and more from my siblings) that he does NOT get to know, has never seen them, and i wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire

so you both sit there and moan about his ex, the mother of his children and remember - you reap what you sow

Honestly OP every time I think I can feel any kind of empathy for your situation you write something that makes it impossible.

The ExW really is not the problem here, not on any level at all and your dh does not deserve her cutting him any more slack.
As a single mum that has struggled with severe depression that resulted in me losing my job followed by a terrifying period of unemployment where I had a hard time convincing any employer to give me a chance. I can certainly sympathise with mental health and the difficulties that it brings, but wallowing and refusing to be a parent is not the way to get better.

Your husband has decided to opt out of being a parent to 2 of his 3 children and is supporting none of them financially, this will not be helping him recover and if he is as decent as you say then the most beneficial thing he can do will be to start earning something so he can contribute what he is able. As every reasonable poster has pointed out studying around work is what he should be doing if he wants to better his prospects whilst also being a parent to his 3 children.

Expecting his ExW to take all responsibility to support his children financially and emotionally while their dad takes a sabatical from reality is bad enough. Slating her, making catty and frankly embarrassingly jealous remarks on top really isn't helping you either.

In the middle of this there are 3 children who are missing out for as long as he refuses to support them.
I am sorry that contributing to the uniforms leaves you short, but it really isn't ExW's fault, please stop holding her responsible for your dh's shortcomings.

I'm not going to slate you OP, but genuinely want to ask, what would your DP do if his ex dropped dead tomorrow and he had to support his girls full time? Yes, he could claim CB, but it would amount to what? £140 a month? Maybe some tax credits? Do you get those for your DS?

I think he needs to forfeit the studying and get a job. Any job. If he can study and progress his career when the DC are grown up, great. If not, that's one of the sacrifices of being a good parent and knowing you did your best by the dc once you're old and grey.

Thanks everyone lots to think about. I guess I've had rage goggles on and honestly only thought about it from our perspective

If you really dislike this woman as much as you're implying I'd be working my ARSE off to make her think I wasn't struggling even if I was. She's winning. I'd be out there providing that money with a smile on my face making her think all was good over my way and wouldn't want her for a SECOND knowing that she wasn't doing better.

Sod the past 12 pages on this thread. This is the BEST advice I’ve seen on the whole thread ^^ This is exactly what I would be doing too. There is nothing like keeping your pride especially when it’s showing someone who you hate how strong and happy you are.

This is one of the worst, most entitled amd whiny threads I have encountered on MN.

OP, you are deluded if you think either you or your DH have a leg to stand on here.

Your DH is NOT too ill to work; he has CHOSEN to study. If he can study, he can work. It is as simple as that. As a PP pointed out, he is not in receipt of sickness or jobseeker benefits or he would be paying the basic rate of child maintenance. Therefore, he is neither sick nor seeking work: he is a student, BY CHOICE. A choice which prevents him from supporting his two other children and enables him to shirk his responsibilities.

I don't believe that you couldn't be in FT work if you wanted to. His ex's employment status and that of her DH are totally irrelevant. It sticks in my throat that you have the nerve to say that his EXW should sympathise with you; YOU should sympathise with her?! Her income dropped by £250 a month 3 years ago through no fault of her own and instead of going back to work as soon as he felt well enough to engage in some kind of activity, your DH has chosen to study. WTAF. The fuck should she sympathise with you!

You also have some nerve suggesting that she should forego the summer holiday she and her partner have worked for and are presumably taking his DDs on so that she can subsidise your DH's share of the girls' costs?!

And for you to suggest that her DH should pick up the slack for their DF's shitty choices is utterly appalling.

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself and complaining that paying for his DDs shouldn't fall to their FATHER, try remembering that these girls are NO less of a priority than your own DS and that when you are making financial decisions, they should be at the centre of those, just as much as your own DS is.

I am seriously astounded by your poor judgement and sense of entitlement.

£200 in 2 years and the ex wife is unfair. WTF.

I'm not going to slate you OP, but genuinely want to ask, what would your DP do if his ex dropped dead tomorrow and he had to support his girls full time?

luckily by the sounds of it they have a stepdad who has them 86% of the year and can provide for them as he works/has the means.

This is one of those threads where you would love to hear the mums take on things. Even though op is completely delusional to think everything is ex wife fault. I wouldn’t be surprised if her cheating was a lie and it was her dh who was the cheat. It’s easier to villianfy the ex wife because she can get the blame for ops dh short comings. Deep down she knows he’s a waste of space and she’s jealsous of this woman.

I'm really sad I've come across so poorly, lesson learned don't post in haste!!

I was shocked by a couple of extra bills this month and I've been so stressed about money the message from exw tipped me over the edge.

I know I've been a monumental prick and I'm so embarrassed

To give you some credit, you are single handedly supporting three children and a man on a part time salary.

I don't excuse you for some of your comments but I understand the pressure you're under.

Get rid of the dead weight. It doesn't sound like you have much of a life with him and you'd be better off without him. It's him who is to blame for all of this including the financial woes. But I think you know that and that's why you're so angry. What he promised you hasn't materialised and you've been left with a dud.

I've not read the entire thread but most of it so apologies if I've missed anything.

I am sorry to hear your dp is going through such a difficult time that sounds like it has put a lot of pressure on you too. It must be really tough with extra pressures like his ex to deal with. Mental health is so hard and impossible to control which I think makes it all the more upsetting.

Everything is about balance and I think it's very easy to look at one side without also seeing the other. Not everything is black and white.

You say she barely provides for them as it is. Another poster said it's normal for kids to turn up in what they are wearing.
Just so you see the other side. My son goes to dads in his clothes that day and toys he's playing with. He has gorgeous clothes at my house I would love to send him in. I can garauntee if I packed his clothes for him each weekend dad would have a cob on saying I was dictating what he can and can't wear when he's with him. He's there every other weekend. 3-4 outfits is all he will ever need and I've never thought of it as a saving, I've offered his clothes on many occasions and been told it's fine I've got some for him at my house which is a lovely thing most dads do, they like their children to have a home in their house too. With their clothes and toys ect. I see it from the other side too as my dh has a dd and we try and pick things up for her whenever we can.

Saying : Why shouldn't she work ft, she's doing a degree which is the height of indulgence, decreased her hours to do a placement. That deficit would cover the costs she's asking for. - How would you feel if she said that about your husband? That him studying to better himself is an indulgence?
Or if you split with your husband and he couldn't help you afford a school uniform or buy a towel to take your son swimming?

These are normal parent and child things I just think you are under too much pressure to see that and something has to give. Can you speak to cab and see if you can get any help with benefits?

Hope things get better soon!

Op, you have been honest and seem to be taking in board the feedback, so well done.

Upshot is your Dh is the issue here and wherever I see women blaming another woman it is usually the man's fault.
My guess is your Dh is weak, not because he has mental health issues but because he is not dealing with his responsibilities and blaming his ex wife.
Irrespective of earnings he needs to budget for his dc. Even a £5 a week for uniform.

You have to change your thinking and put cms on the same level of rent or food.

It is essential not optional.

I actually think you should start telling your Dh how good a job his ex wife is doing. Encourage him to do better for his dc as you really don't know if you will be her situation in a few years.

Have empathy for her and also appreciate what she does..she is making him step up and that is a good thing!

I can see that if you look at it from the view that you and your DP have three DC to support and one part time job to do so and ex-DW and partner have two DC to support and 1.5 jobs to do so it seems unfair that you are left penniless, the reality is that only your DP and ex-DW count in this situation and they should share costs. Caring for your DC, working and supporting your DP sounds like a lot but your anger would be better channeled at your DP rather than exDW, he isn't making choices that support those he is meant to care about and that includes you.

I still don't like her, we are massively different people and I maintain I'd handle things differently in her situation.
I'm going to give her a call tomorrow and explain I really can't spare that money, I just can't and go from there. Also am going to speak to dh about getting some work to take some of the weight off my shoulders.

Somethings got to give in this situation. In a weird way having my arse handed to me today has helped me see things differently so thank you everyone

It's really refreshing to have someone who can take a verbal kicking and can use it to see a way forward. Good luck and I hope things improve for you.

Good luck lycan, hope your situation improves and I agree - it's refreshing to see an op accept they need to change. None of us like being told that do we, hope it works out

£200 a year is a drop in the ocean in terms of financially supporting your children. It's a very small ask.

I wonder how much her carrying the load took place in their marriage and it's contribution to the breakdown.

Her infidelity isn't a pass and doesn't absolve him of supporting his DC. I can just imagine the former OM thinking no wonder she didn't want him.

I can tell you if my husband left me for another woman, there's not a cat in hells chance she would see me slacking and failing to support my children for one nano second. I would be at the top of my game in every sense of the way.

There is nothing another woman could provide for my DC that I wouldn't.

Just imagine the thought of the OW saying about me she just about pays £200 a year for her DC and we have to ask for it. Sisterlove hasn't paid maintenance for years now. She only sees them 4 days a month and she's fine with that.That's why he left sisterlove and got with me, she was useless

And guess what? It would kind of look that way to them.

I'm going to give her a call tomorrow and explain I really can't spare that money, I just can't and go from there.

I'm one of the posters who really couldn't get over your point of view - blaming this woman for asking - and being refused - 200 a year to rear her children.

But that said, I think this plan is a bad idea. You aren't responsible for this debt or money or anything. She won't want you to talk to her. She (quite reasonably, no matter what the circumstances of their split) will want to talk to the father of her children about their welfare - not his new wife. You will just get blasted out of it by her (most likely) and this isn't your mess - you don't deserve that.

You have to face that the ex will never understand a father who cannot spare 200 pounds a year for his children. You probably couldn't either if the shoe were on the other foot. Whether she is right or wrong, surely you can see how the mother of 2 children who is rearing them, sending them to school/afterschool/holidays etc will not be receptive to her ex husband's new wife telling her they cannot afford 200 pounds a year as a contribution.

This will not end well for you. you aren't the one responsible - your husband is - don't take on his responsibilities.

Agree with asking dh to take another job. Maybe take a hard look at your dh and help him to take more responsibility. But none of this is YOUR issue. What is your issue is thinking the ex wife is unfair to ask for 200 a year to rear 2 children.

So, my advice is don't call her. really don't.

Well done on taking things on board op. I agree that you are working hard and the issue is really your dh who is choosing not to support either his dc or you when he is certainly capable of at least a part time job. Stopping work to study is a luxury, like many others I have spent many late nights studying after work and weekends with a demanding full time job. Here’s hoping you can persuade him to step up.
I really liked the advice about saying the ex is doing a good job to him. But I suspect it will be an extremely unwelcome opinion, and his response may make you see him differently when you remember that is his dc she is bringing up.

There is absolutely no reason why you shoud be paying for his and her DC's uniforms. I cannot understand why people here think you should. Your money goes to support your DC, not your husband's. They are not your responsibility.

Just ignore the guilt tripping on here and tell the ex she'll get no money from you and to deal with your DH about it in future. And don't send any of your money when you are in such dire straits. You don't have to go without lunch to buy M&S uniforms when Asda has them at a third of the price. If the ex wants M&S then she can pay for it.

It isn't your job or the job of your parents to support these children, it really isn't.