Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:
Hyppolyta · 08/08/2018 19:20

Why is it the height of indulgence for the Ex to do a degree, while working to support her children, yet its ok for your partner to study and not work at all?

You also suggest the childrens step dad, who works full time, do more.

You also knew what you were taking on, as a step parent. Id suggest its time you worked at least full time, to provide.

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 19:20

Get a full time job? Stop complaining that she dared ask for a contribution and doesn't provide towels? Stop slagging her off for her choices that are none of your business? Recognize that she has been picking up your partner's slack for 3 years and deserves him to apologise and be grateful instead of slagging her off?

omgimhavingababy · 08/08/2018 19:22

If he is well enough to study, he is well enough to work. Lots of people study and work you know?

Quartz2208 · 08/08/2018 19:23

OP I think the problem here is the character and situation of the ex wife with holidays and what she can afford is immaterial - it is not spousal maintenance. You need to accept that - she could be a multi millionaire it still would not absolve him of needing to take responsibility for his children

Then the uniform sounds about right for secondary school children - it is well known that the uniform is expensive and has to follow very strict requirements - her wanting Clark shoes is perfectly normal and sensible

And she is right - you are lucky this is all she is asking for and is able to cope without maintenance. None of this is her fault either yet you are asking/expecting her to take all of the responsibility for the children when

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 19:25

You care about people's feelings but you don't care that your partner isn't providing for his kids. Your attitude is appalling, I've seen some corkers on this board but never such brazen defence of not providing for kids. Usually there is at least an appearance of regret. You not only think your partner shouldn't have to support his kids, you think his ex should sympathise with him about it. After 3 fucking years!

headhurtstoomuch · 08/08/2018 19:33

How old is your DS?

headhurtstoomuch · 08/08/2018 19:34

Pressed sent too quickly. Was he born during the last 3 years since he hasn't paid any maintenance?

RomanyRoots · 08/08/2018 19:37

So why don't you work ft then?
Your dh is at home so you don't even have to pay childcare.
You could use this saved money on the dd's.

You expect the exw partner to provide for your dh children and he can be bothered to work ft.
Did the girls go on holiday, their sd probably paid for that.
You are with a man who is happy to let another bloke pay for his kids.
what low standards OP.

colditz · 08/08/2018 19:38

Her ds will surely be in preschool, nobody would have a baby whilst failing to provide for the two kids they already have, so the ds cannot be younger than 3.

Original poster
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 19:40

Of course I care, we've discussed it many times but I can't change the way things are, I'd love nothing more then to be in the situation we were in when he could make these payments but life happened and this is how it is for now.

I guess this was the wrong place to vent my frustrations out, I'm sorry if I've offended anyone it's just a really upsetting situation and it gets a bit much. I've vented every thought I've had which in hindsight I shouldn't, I shouldn't have posted.

Obviously my personal opinion of exw colours my view it always will but as far as I can see the facts remain the same and I'd handle it different if I was her, that's just me though.

Apologies again I really am leaving now

OP posts:
colditz · 08/08/2018 19:48

She probably upset too, at having had children with a man who opted out of raising them, simply because they're hers.

He hasn't opted out of your child, has he, so why does he get to opt out of the first two now he no longer has access to their mother's genitals?

TheExhausted · 08/08/2018 19:56

So you think the EW and her husband should be fully responsible for these children? I bet your husband would soon change his tune if EW's DH asked to adopt the children. As for EW should find a full time job. How can she whilst she's looking after the children?

Starbucksbasic123 · 08/08/2018 19:57

@fourfriendchickensdrywhitetoast agree completely. It’s not optional at all. You’d expect maintenance if your relationship failed. Dad is unwell but whatever money he is able to earn or receive from benefits should go towards his children as it’s his responsibility

Elllicam · 08/08/2018 20:00

The facts are perfectly clear. Your husband’s ex-wife and her husband are supporting your husband’s children. You are complaining about paying £200 in a year for school clothes! If that’s your only contribution you are getting away very lightly. All the rest of it, who cheated on who, who gets holidays etc etc, does not matter. What matters is that they are supporting the kids and you are not and that still isn’t good enough for you.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 08/08/2018 20:01

Do women like this really exist?! Is there any wonder she left his arse for someone else he’s a complete waste of space! I don’t know what business that is of yours what happened in their relationship if she didn’t you would be with you’re dh now.

ArfArfBarf · 08/08/2018 20:11

Well enough to study, well enough to get a job! Just another deadbeat.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 08/08/2018 20:13

The idea that I'm jealous is frankly laughable I have nothing to be jealous of, I'll refrain from being really catty but I have things she never will, I don't rub her nose in it.

Op is clearly jealsous and bitter.

Minesalargeginplease · 08/08/2018 20:17

IMO he should pay towards the uniforms at the very least. I'm a second wife, step mum and mum. We have a difficult time with ex wife but I agree that 2 people made the child so 2 people need to support the child. I sometimes feel maintenance can be a little sexist and put undue pressure on men but that is not the child's fault. The only time I'd think not paying maintenance was ok if custody was 50/50 as both parents have equal responsibility and costs. You really should try get some bits for dsc to keep at yours so it feels like home. We had to build it up slowly but now both our child and dsc have equal things at our house so neither feels like an outsider. Maybe she should be more considerate to his MH and have an honest conversation on how he can help out in a way that he can manage at this time but he should be offering something, even shoes would help. Please don't let people upset you, I've been attacked before on MN after a post about the ex wife attacking me and feeling like I wanted to step away and it's not nice. Of course your dc is your priority and it's silly to imagine anything other but remember that the dsc is his mother's priory which is the reason she is fighting for her child's needs. I really get where you are coming from and get you are protecting your dp but maybe he needs to volunteer more childcare if he can't give financially. I hope you get something sorted x

PatheticNurse · 08/08/2018 20:18

OP - so apart from EOW, do you have the children at any other time?

I'm just wondering if that would help appease the Mum if you could provide more childcare, therefore doing your share in terms of physical support instead of financial

luckycat007 · 08/08/2018 20:24

He only has them EOW so therefore they hardly absorb any of his time which I imagine will now be hopefully spent on trying to get help.

He has to provide something. There's too much of this idea that the mother has more of a responsibility for children than the father has. Really it should be 50/50. I think. Anyway, he should be giving what he can, even if it means missing out on things. That's the choice you make when you have kids. And when you get involved with folk who have kids. They have to come first. They didn't ask to be born.

Original poster
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 20:25

Re childcare there is really no other need for them to come here, exw has set hours and the times she's not available she has a reciprocal arrangement with her dsis where they help each other out. Ditto for school hols.
It's not a practical solution anyhow as we live several miles away and no car plus to be honest I'm not sure we could afford the extra food, that's the situation we're in

I know now it'll be a repeat of work full time and I am trying, looking as well as hoping for the role to come back up in my current job

OP posts:
luckycat007 · 08/08/2018 20:26

That's a good suggestion @patheticnurse - if he has no money, he has time to offer.

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 20:27

there is really no other need for them to come here

What about to see their father? Doesn't your partner want to spend more time with them?

Original poster
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 20:29

Of course he does but exw has an arrangement that suits her, dhs wants don't count

OP posts:
Minesalargeginplease · 08/08/2018 20:30

It's not your responsibility to work full time to support dsc, I was just thinking of how your dp could contribute in a way that was not damaging to his MH. It's an awful situation to be in financially and as mother you must be scared of losing your security which can in effect damage your MH if you aren't super careful x

Swipe left for the next trending thread