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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 20:31

Well which is it- you can't afford the travel and extra food, or you can but ex is stopping you having them?

Original poster

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 20:33

Even if we could afford it she has it sorted in a way that suits her, long standing arrangement which pre dates the current issues
She wouldn't be willing to budge anyway and she wouldn't be happy about using her fuel to bring them here more then she has to

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 08/08/2018 20:34

OP you cant blame her for everything - you say that you cant afford for them to visit and yet in the same breathe say your husbands needs dont count.

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 20:34

Does she do all the travelling too then? How far away do you live?

PatheticNurse · 08/08/2018 20:35

I do feel for you OP and the situation that you have found yourselves in but equally he has responsibilities to his other children.

He should be paying maintenance - even if it's only a few pound per week.

I know you said she cheated on him and l CERTAINLY don't condone that, but if he is so fragile that he has needed 3 years off work already then only she knows what he was like to live with previously.

Maybe this is why she is seemingly unsympathetic. Maybe she's had to bare the load and carried him for years and is now fed up to her back teeth of his "issues".

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 20:39

The arrangement with her sister sounds like a really good one, and beneficial to the kids. If your partner isn't in a position to help with childcare then he should be grateful that the ex has organised this.

PrettyLovely · 08/08/2018 20:40

Are you really young op?
Only you sound so naive to what is going on around you, Its like you cant see what is clearly happening and want to blame exw for all the problems here.
I find it so strange how you just cant see what you are saying is wrong.
I am a huge supporter of step mums on here they do get a bashing on here but you havent said anything that I can identify with and support.
I am astounded with some of the things you have said.

Original poster

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 20:43

That was really condescending @PrettyLovely astounded? Really? Granted I've said some things in the heat of the moment but I think it people were a little more honest more would think like me and not the socially acceptable responses parroted on here

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 08/08/2018 20:47

Who’s paying for your DH’s studies? He can’t contribute to his children’s needs but can pay for a course/ degree?

I've been waiting for a couple of years now to do a course but recognise I can’t afford it.

Original poster

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 20:49

Student finance

OP posts:

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 20:53

Can you really not see Pretty's point? The ex pays for everything, organises all the childcare, sounds like she does the travelling to facilitate contact too, and you are angry with her for asking for a contribution. It IS shocking.

pallisers · 08/08/2018 20:53

but I think it people were a little more honest more would think like me and not the socially acceptable responses parroted on here

I don't think I can imagine a situation in which a woman asks a man to pay 200 pounds a year to support 2 children and I think she is unfair to ask. What is that - 2 pounds a week? I feel very bad for you, OP, if your budget is that awful that you can't afford less than 2 pounds a week for your husband's children and he seems utterly incapable of doing any job at all to make these dire circumstances even a little better, but let's face it, it is hardly unfair and unreasonable for the woman to ask.

swingofthings · 08/08/2018 20:56

I'm your Oh's ex. Well not really but I brought up our two kids mire or less alone not receiving a penny from him. I even paid for them to go and see him every week. I did it for them. I worked FT all my life and you know What? Like your oh's ex I totally deserve the life I've built for myself and the luxuries I can afford and offer to our kids.

Your OH has decided to take the easy route and you have opted to stick to a PT job. Your choice but you have no right to resent what his ex has achieved. Instead of brewing resentmnent I hope your OH and you can start focusing on what you can achieve yourself if both of you could work FT too.

You can't have the leisurely life AND the extra income. She's done a lot better than you and she can be proud to be bringing her children on her own. That's worth every pound she is not getting from your OH.

MinorRSole · 08/08/2018 20:57

Socially acceptable? Yes it is socially acceptable to bring up/pay for/provide for your own children. It's also morally acceptable and what most people do. It's what the children's mother is doing - unfortunately your partner doesn't have the necessary ethics to do his bit. It's no good to throw your hands in the air, use depression as an excuse and opt out. You are a household with commitments and 1 part time worker, you need to sort your shit out and stop playing the victim.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 08/08/2018 20:57

I assumed he already had a degree based on high powered job mention hence he was paying for it. Must be a first time student then.

luckycat007 · 08/08/2018 20:58

Thats the problem. It IS socially acceptable for me not to have kids anywhere near as much as women. That is what needs to change but I'm talking about the bigger picture in general then pinning this to you...so probably going a bit off topic. But can you imagine what the response amongst the masses if it was the mother who only had them every other week?

I do see your point also though - it seems you are really struggling, however its not the guy's kids fault and the ex probably has the 'not my problem' attitude.

luckycat007 · 08/08/2018 20:58

men*

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 08/08/2018 20:59

Madre de dios.

You basically think your husband should get to just play Disney dad EOW and otherwise ignore his first two children completely, don't you? His ex-wife is absolutely right - he should be down on bended fucking knee thanking her for doing everything for their children, accepting no maintenance, paying for literally everything, taking his girls on holiday and giving them good memories, and only asking for a contribution to their uniforms. Meanwhile he's happily borrowing money to pay for the luxury that is full-time study. Good lord.

Good for her if she can afford to study part time and still take her girls on holiday. Evidently she works hard and manages her money well. Your H should consider taking a few tips from her.

PrettyLovely · 08/08/2018 21:00

"That was really condescending @PrettyLovely astounded? Really? Granted I've said some things in the heat of the moment but I think it people were a little more honest more would think like me and not the socially acceptable responses parroted on here"

No they really wouldnt, you cant seem to seperate the ex wife from the children you really seem to have it in for her, If its not naivety perhaps as pps have said its jealousy.
Does she also drop them off to him as well when he sees them only you touch on the fact she wouldnt want to use her petrol to bring them to you more than she has to?

Faithless12 · 08/08/2018 21:01

So he’s got a loan and instead of putting money aside for the obviously foreseeable issue of his daughter starting secondary school (I assume due to the blazer) he has done what with the money?
Your DH should be contributing to his children’s lives, whether she cheated or not is irrelevant and she isn’t having her cake and eating it by wanting maintenance. For all you know he was as useless as he is now while they were together.

Original poster

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 21:02

I said high pressure, you don't need a degree to have a high pressure job, particularly if you've worked your way up over the years.

OP posts:

RoboJesus · 08/08/2018 21:02

DrinkFeckArseGirls not if he's studying a stem subject

Zoflorabore · 08/08/2018 21:07

You say op that this is a short term arrangement?

3 years is not short term.

Bet your husband wouldn't like to be dangling by his balls for 3 bloody years!

And if he's not working and you're only part time then you will probably be getting a decent whack in tax credits and other benefits ( not benefit bashing, i receive them myself ) and you could certainly stretch to contributing something.
School socks/lunchbox/stationery/anything- it's a contribution and would be one less thing for their mum to buy.
Every little helps

Seriously though if this was my partner, as a
Mum I would take the children out myself and buy them a few bits for school. As a
Mum myself ( as are you ) it would be more about the gesture than the cost.

At the minute, anything would be better than nothing.

How you can be proud of him astounds me.

Baumederose · 08/08/2018 21:09

Basically the ex wife made better choices (ie got rid of him) and has a higher standard of living.

You don't like it and don't like that he should still pay for them.

Because who is paying the 200 quid? It's you who is paying. Not him. From your part time wages meaning you go without on his behalf. That sucks. But it's not the ex and the kids you should be pissed off with.

LoughingLikeAShark · 08/08/2018 21:18

If your DH is unwell and receiving benefits he has likely been assessed as not being expected to contribute maintenance. THATS THE LAW.

I work for DWP - if a person is on benefits they still have to provide for their DC, at the rate of c. £5 per week. Since OP states her DH pays nothing at all he is not seeking work or been assessed as too unwell to work, he is actively CHOOSING to study.

OP, your DH is an utterly pathetic excuse for a father. He should be looking for a low-stress job and you should be working full time, at least then you'd qualify for tax credits or UC and your DH's kids would receive a tiny amount of support. Better than the nothing at all they're currently getting.

Prioritising his possible future earnings over his DC's needs NOW is not the actions of a loving father, he's a tightwad who prioritises his own comfort over that of his children, to the extent that he begrudges them a swimming towel when they visit.

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