Step families and finances

[AliceRR]

Interested to know how this works in other families where one partner has children and the other doesn’t.

My SH has two sons, 13 and 15. He pays 20% earnings to their mother as CSM.

We don’t currently have joint finances. We both work, earn a similar amount, and pay 50% towards all joint expenses (mortgage, bills, etc) which we pay into a joint account that the DDs go out of.

Although we earn similar (DH actually earns slightly more) he pays CSM and is paying off debts so he has a lot less money on a monthly basis but that’s largely as he is prioritising paying off debts. I have more disposable income.

DH thinks we should have a joint account. I have always resisted this as thinking I’m not ready and said that if I did I’d want to keep some money aside as I don’t want to pay towards CSM.

Anyone I have spoken to agrees CSM is his responsibility although when they are with us I share cost of everything and we pay 50:50 into the house.

What do you think? AIBU to feel like o lose out by sharing everything. We are a couple and things change over the years but sometimes I feel like I’m always the one who loses out...

This is maybe not just a step parent issue but that’s a large part of it.

NFW. Don't combine finances with this guy or buy another house with him. He's taking you for a ride. Do not quit FT work for any reason. Every time he brings up being a SAHD you just say, That won't work. Or We both need to work FT and pay for our child's care.

He has said he is happy for me to decide how all the money is spent if we have a joint account but that doesn’t kind right somehow and I wouldn’t expect that to actually be the case.

Bollocks because if you have a joint account he can use it how he pleased.

He thinks the world owes him a living and that he's entitled to spend how he sees fit. He wants to bunk out of working and paying as much as possible. Stop enabling him.

And this needs to be discussed now. 'I don't want a joint account'. 'Neither of us will be a stay at home parent'.

Why is your DH having more kids if (by the sounds of it) he can't afford it?

I wonder if his first marriage broke up because he's such shit with money, is an entitled so and so who feels hard done by and appears to keep a tally chart of what he's owed by others.

And yy, Twitter. The mind boggles. And also at people who procreate with someone like this.

Why is your DH having more kids if (by the sounds of it) he can't afford it?

He can afford it, he just takes advantage of OP financially.

This is his first marriage.

We can afford to have a baby but we obviously need to work on how we split the finances.

@Bibidy he can only afford it by expecting OP to pay more than her share for their joint life (because he has financial responsibilities elsewhere, responsibilities which are not those of the OP).
I would still maintain that this means he can't afford more children

he can only afford it by expecting OP to pay more than her share for their joint life (because he has financial responsibilities elsewhere, responsibilities which are not those of the OP).
I would still maintain that this means he can't afford more children

I don't think that's true though, I think in this case it's more that he feels OP should take on more than half in order that he feels it's fairer, rather than that he can't cover his half of things if he needs to.

The overall message I'm getting is that he doesn't feel it's fair for OP to have more disposable income left over than he does and so he forces her into a position where he's pressured into paying more, or convinces her to do things like buy a new car when it's his that has broken down.

I think he could afford it if he wanted to, he just sees it as unfair that OP is better off than him.

This is his first marriage.

That he got you to pay for and even tried to get you to buy your own engagement ring. Only pays the bare minimum required for his own kids but goes and fathers more. What a catch!

Got you to buy him a car and now he wants you to pay his debts and maintenance whilst he sits at home because it's unfair he even has to work. What's his is his and what's yours is his, too.

It's no wonder his last relationship broke down.

He'll always feel he's put upon and life is unfair, OP. Best you can hope for it continuing to keep finances separate and go halves on bills.

I think you should try to aim for each having similar spending money. His debt comes out of his. If you earn the same and he has kids that is difficult, but if you don't chip in the baby is going to be your financial responsibility. Maybe that is a fair solution? Problem is you don't trust him, he is a chancer.

Presume he will be better off when debt paid? If he is sensible things can then improve. I understand he feels resentful at present, but op needs to protect her child, he doesn't seem to want to support any of them. He is a bit irresponsible, but op needs to accept she married someone with responsibilities elsewhere

Please, please please listen to the fantastic advice that you have been given. Don’t agree to a joint account. Also don’t let him become a STHD. I a genuinely worried for you, if you don’t take this advice.

@missingstreetlife the problem is if we share finances I know the extra money will go on his debts which is fine but when baby comes his debts will still be there and I won’t have extra money for things and he won’t either. At least some separation now means I can put away some money for baby and mat leave.

I think having joint finances with similar drawings each for own expenses is a food compromise but DH doesn’t want compromise. He wants joint or nothing so at the moment he is getting nothing! Nothing as in separate and we try to pay similar amount for food.

I accept I married someone with kids but I have to put my child first as his kids have two parents of their own. Regardless of what DH is doing, DH’s ex looks out for her children first and I will look out for mine first. It’s natural. If keeping things separate means he has to pay CSM himself and o can ensure as far as possible I can provide for my child then that’s what I think I must do.

@Monny1 yes I am not for a joint account at the moment

I’m not saying we cannot share or things are so bad between us but there are clearly trust issues with money and we both have different ideas about what is fair and we will work on that

I am pleased about that. Don’t let him bully you into doing things, that you don’t want too. You are a strong woman.

I honestly am struggling with DH on this. He is just so defensive when it comes to money!

He cannot even discuss it without getting angry. I am not out to get him so why does he act like I am? Or does he really just know he has a good deal and gets annoyed at the threat of me wanting things to be fair?!

A couple of weeks ago DH realised the joint account that we both pay bills out of was £60 short. He emailed me asking to put £60 in to cover it. He then emailed me saying actually it’s still £20 short. So I agreed to put it in but said we’d have to work out where it went as we both calculate what is due to go into the account.

I paid it in, on good faith, when he asked me. Didn’t ask him to pay half. Anyway today I was going through accounts and trying to work out where that went. I couldn’t so I asked DH if he could help at some point (he usually loves going through the finances and works things out to the Penny!) He got so worked up about it. Said we shouldn’t discuss money as it becomes “hateful”. I said it doesn’t have to and that I’m not angry, just confused. But seems slightly unfair that he just asked me to put in money and I did and then I’m not allowed to mention it.

I know it’s only £80 and my point isn’t that I want the £80 or half of it (although that would be fair). My point is his attitude to money and discussing money. The fact that he gets so worked up he can’t actually discuss it. In the end he was saying he doesn’t want to share anything with me. Fine, I said! I feel the reason we can’t resolve anything is because he gets so angry if I challenge him.

Why does he get so worked up??

Why does he get so worked up??

To make you stop questioning him. It's emotional abuse and manipulation. Eventually you will just accept it and not bring things up as it makes him angry and he will continue getting away with trearing you with no respect.

Why are you with him? What are you getting out of the relationship?

I have to agree with WhiteCat I'm afraid.

I think you're going to have to demonstrate just how much this means to you (as it should do, because he is taking the piss), by threatening to call time on your whole relationship. Only then will he realise you really mean it.

Exactly what whitecat says. If he were reasonable you’d both be deciding how much to put to debts. And because you are having a baby the usual conclusion would be that baby is the current priority so debt payments should be low (but at least enough to service the debt)and baby costs/ baby savings prioritised.
He is treating you like an idiot, and expects to be able to use your income as it suits him. This is getting worse and worse op. I’m worried if you split over this that you will lose the money you put to the wedding and get no share on the house. You need to prioritise savings for living and baby.

I think you need to sit down together and work out exactly what debts and expenses you have between the two of you. I don’t get the impression (but please correct me if I am wrong) that you have a handle on how much exactly your husband owes, what the repayments are and what he is currently paying.
The impression most of us seem to have if that your husband is entirely unreasonable and

(sorry posted too soon)

The impression most of us seem to have is that your husband is entirely unreasonable and seeking to take more than half from your combined incomes. I wonder if perhaps his debts are bigger than you thought.

I think you are right. I think it is manipulation and I do feel sometimes that I will go along with what he says or not question as I don’t want him to get angry. But inevitably that causes resentment and at some point I will raise it and he reacts badly!

After arguing about it last night, and again a bit this morning, I feel a bit crap today. I know I’m not wrong for asking if he’ll help me work out where he extra £80 went. I don’t think that justified such a temper.

Today he is saying he wants all finances to be entirely separate. Fine!

I don't think it's manipulation. I think he tho is he is hard done by and you've been unfair. Not that you are at all but that's how he feels. Of course we only have what you've chosen to write maybe he would bring up other things if it was him posting.

It doesn't matter the problem is that it went on for too long with both of you building resentment and now he is hitting the extreme button of defensiveness. Dealing with people whose reach that stage is useless as anything you try to say takes them even further.

I think you need to let him calm down on the anger and anxiety scale but then make it clear that you need some form of joint counselling or you will hit the destruction button soon otherwise.

Hi @AliceRR - do you mind me asking how exactly he incurred his debts?
Sorry if this has already been asked and answered?

We tried counselling and it wasn’t v helpful. I don’t think the counsellor was very good but it was recent and then we found out we were having a baby and were really happy and decided not to go back. She was rubbish anyway but I think counselling would help us as we have a communication problem.

He incurred his debts just in paying for general stuff as far as I’m aware. He tends not to have enough money to get him through the month so he uses credit card when he runs out of money. Some of it is that. Some is from the work that we’ve done on the house which we were to share 50:50. He borrowed some of his half share. BUT whereas I would have said wait til we have the money, he was eager to press ahead, called in the builder etc and then ended up using credit to pay. But the truth is I don’t know where all his money goes.

I agree with WhiteCat, too. He's conditioning you. Don't fall for it. Keep it all separate. I'd stop topping him up, too. Sounds like he lives beyond his means because he feels entitled to it.