Step families and finances

[AliceRR]

Interested to know how this works in other families where one partner has children and the other doesn’t.

My SH has two sons, 13 and 15. He pays 20% earnings to their mother as CSM.

We don’t currently have joint finances. We both work, earn a similar amount, and pay 50% towards all joint expenses (mortgage, bills, etc) which we pay into a joint account that the DDs go out of.

Although we earn similar (DH actually earns slightly more) he pays CSM and is paying off debts so he has a lot less money on a monthly basis but that’s largely as he is prioritising paying off debts. I have more disposable income.

DH thinks we should have a joint account. I have always resisted this as thinking I’m not ready and said that if I did I’d want to keep some money aside as I don’t want to pay towards CSM.

Anyone I have spoken to agrees CSM is his responsibility although when they are with us I share cost of everything and we pay 50:50 into the house.

What do you think? AIBU to feel like o lose out by sharing everything. We are a couple and things change over the years but sometimes I feel like I’m always the one who loses out...

This is maybe not just a step parent issue but that’s a large part of it.

We have not yet sorted out name on the house or will. We did put the house on the market at the weekend. Buying a new house could mean things are better (we would buy it jointly) or worse (more financial entanglement!).

The other thing is he wants to put a loan he has (I think about £12k) on the house. I’m not sure about that. I can see it’s morw advantageous in terms of fees but then, let’s say we had a house in joint names, we’d either pay equally for the mortgage as we do now (in which case he gets what he wants and maybe it will work) or he pays a bit more but then arguably there is a record of him paying more towards the mortgage which could be problematic?

I’m not sure.

Also in terms of a will it’s difficult with step children because he has said he would expect to just leave the house to me and so I would do the same. But I would want whatever is mine to pass to my children ultimately and I’m sure he will want his assets split between all his children. So we would need to consider how this would work.

Whilst things are a bit contentious as they are now it is difficult to resolve these things.

I really think a big part of it is he feels if he shares “everything” with me the i should do the same. But the fact is the house isn’t really half mine yet and I had to put a lot in to get that. He made me pay for the wedding and I pay for half of everything. Apart from the house he has liabilities - debts and CSM. I don’t think he gets that. I’d actually be financially better off with someone who was in the exact same financial position to myself (no house but also not debt and no children previously). He claims he always thought we would share everything and he resents me not doing so.

I’m not ready.

But I told him there was food in the house.

Ah, you left out the bit where you married a six year old! FFS, I can find food in most people's houses but I sure don't need showing where the food is in my own fucking house.

This isn't going to get any better. He's manipulative and thinks you are a [literal] meal ticket. I'd leave him to it and get the CMS order on his salary, live on your own, you'll be better off and not stuck with this millstone.

This 'paying off the credit card' nonsense sounds like it's been going on for years and, in fact, he just spends whatever he wants then blames the credit card for him having no money when actually it is his spending that is causing him to have no money and he wants you to both pay his cc and pay for everything else.

100% joint finances is really difficult when there are existing kids.

I really think a big part of it is he feels if he shares “everything” with me the i should do the same.

But as the person with less to contribute, he doesn't get to decide this.

It's easy for him to say he 'shares everything' with you when he doesn't have anything! He's sharing debts and child expenses with you. He didn't even share the cost for your wedding.

The only thing he actually has is his house, which isn't even joint?
So actually, the only thing he theoretically could share with you, he isn't.

Yes I agree and of course we’ve discussed all of this and of course he shuts down / gets worked up if I say any of it.

Yes I agree and of course we’ve discussed all of this and of course he shuts down / gets worked up if I say any of it.

He sounds incredibly frustrating BUT the consolation is that regardless of how much he shuts down or gets worked up, you still hold the cards while your money remains separate.

As long as you maintain that, he can't do anything further than complain.

AliceRR I have read the full thread and this is what I think:

1. Do not share accounts/finances. You know you shouldn’t. It’s the reason you have been resisting all his emotional bully and blackmail so far, as there is something inside you that says “I should do this”. Listen to that voice.
2. Get your name on the title of the property immediately
3. If you sell and buy a new house, get your name on that title
4. do NOT add his debt to the loan. Just no. The only benefit is to him and you will be financially worse off
5. start setting aside the same amount he pays in CMS and off his loans in an account for you and your baby (and to cover maternity leave). Then when he says “I’m broke, you buy lunch or give me 10 pounds for the train” you say “me too, honey. Actually I was going to ask you.” And stick too it.
6. The car situation is outrageous. Do not let it happen again (giving him yours and buying a new one)
7. how did he survive paying for things before you moved in? Things have significantly improved for him at that point, even without you sharing an account/finances. You don’t need to share again and let him walk all over you.
8. depending on the cost of the wedding, you may have financially benefitted here. Eg if the house equity is 100k and the wedding was 50k, technically you both should have paid 25k towards the wedding. So you paid your 25k, and his 25k and in return got back 50k equity.
9. the above observation does not take into account the fact he originally didn’t say you would have to “buy” your equity
10. I wouldn not tell him this. He doesn’t need any more ammunition to try and manipulate you into paying for things.

As another poster said - OP I do not like this man! You haven’t asked for relationship advice, and so I am not going to give it. However, has writing this down made you think about what kind of man this is? Judging from your posts you would never treat him the same way...do you deserve to be treated like this by the love of your life?

Sorry - on 1) I mean “I should NOT do this”

Plus I also think he ate lunch that day and was trying to emotionally guilt you.

7. I agree. He tries to say he isn’t better off(!) as some bills may be slightly higher and his ex wanted more CSM after we got married (which she got as they previously has a private arrangement where he paid less but he had the kids more) but of course he is better off and his house is worth a lot more because of the work we have both paid for.

8. He had no more than about £40K equity. Half of that isn’t that much. I don’t know what I paid for the wedding but I do want to work it out out of interest! Overall with what I have paid over my share of things and taking into account his kids (I share the cost of them when they are with us - food, trips out, pay 50% off house they have one of two bedrooms in) I think I have paid my fair share.

He can be a tw*t sometimes but I am hoping that if we can deal with these issues and any resentments then we can move past all of that.

I think he has some funny ideas.

I would understand him going on about his house more if he had lots of equity in it. I do get it. He has worked hard to keep the house. I know he has struggled over the years to keep the house so he has somewhere to bring his children on the weekends. I know sometimes he couldn’t afford to buy food. I don’t know how he managed his finances obviously but I have never known him to be extravagant. I think he thinks I’ve had it easy (I probably have) I just swanned in and expected to take half his house but I think he needs to acknowledge, as long as he’s had it (12 years?), he didn’t have that much equity and I put in more now. I really feel that over a lifetime, if not already, I have already paid my share.

So with the new house you buy, how will it work in terms of a deposit? Is he putting more in than you?

I'm trying to figure out how you ended paying all the wedding costs...was it because you wouldn't be paying rent/contributing to the mortgage?

As for his 12k loan.....he could add it to the mortgage..but pay the extra money monthly from his pocket.

his ex wanted more CSM after we got married (which she got

Was he paying the recommended amount or more?

Is there any way you can involve/include his DC with the baby...so they don't feel pushed out and stop coming over. That would be a shame.

Perhaps letting them know the baby will be so lucky to have 2 big brothers to learn from...make them feel responsible and part of it as much as possible.

I wouldn't let him put that loan on the mortgage unless you're happy to consider it just part of the mortgage and still pay 50/50 each. If you would prefer not to pay out for it (understandable) then I would insist it remains separate.

Presumably the house will represent the whole deposit, so he could have a deed of trust put in place to ringfence that if anything were to happen, so he gets that back first and then any further equity is split 50/50 between you. However, I'm not sure how this would work fairly if you've contributed to work done to the house.

Have you got a plan for how these elements will be handled?

@SandyY2K In terms of the deposit, there is about £50K (maybe £55K) equity based on recent valuation.

I paid for the wedding as DH seemed to think that was fair since I was getting half of his house as he put it.

I contribute 50% to the mortgage and al household bills.

@Bibidy As you say it is difficult because the house has about £40K equity when I moved in (according to him). House value has gone up now because of the work we have done (bathroom, kitchen, windows and doors, gas stove, painted and carpeted and floored - everything) and I also paid 50% for that.

He always said he would sign over half of house to me. Then after I paid for the wedding said he wouldn’t give me a contribution (he had offered £5K but that is a longer story - not sure if I went into it above) as that was me buying my half share. So if we buy a new house I would expect it to be jointly owned 50:50.

Playing devil's advocate here: if I were in your OH's shoes I wouldn't necessarily be happy with 50/50 on the new house, purely due to the 40k he had in the house before your arrival.

If you're both fairly confident that he had 40k in the house when you moved in, I'd say that 40k should be ringfenced for him and then everything else split 50/50 to reflect the money you've put into the house.

@Bibidy but then what about the fact I paid for all of our wedding to purchase half the equity he had then acquired in the house? That could be £20K. Like I said I need to get the statements potentially.

What about the fact he always said he would expect us to own the house 50/50? To be honest if that wasn’t both our intention then why would I be paying 50% of everything in a house where his children have one of two bedrooms? I wouldn’t.

The fact is it is a bit messy. We don’t come to this entirely equal - he had a house and debt and kids when we got married. I didn’t have a house but also didn’t have debt and kids and had some savings and more disposable income.

I don’t rule out is sharing everything but not now. We have to build up trust as we have both felt wronged in some way and I also don’t think it’s a good idea to have a joint account under duress. That’s what happened with the car. I felt forced to share and it still comes up in arguments. That’s not the way.

Don't worry Alice, I'm not disputing you're right to go 50/50, I'm 100% sure you've paid your way and more.

I just think that you may face issues with your OH over the fact that he did own the house and build up equity first, and although he did say the wedding costs were to buy your way into the house, he hasn't formalised that in any way and the reality is that all you've actually put into the house is your monthly contributions and half of the improvements costs.

I can almost guarantee that if you approach the new property as a 50/50 endeavour, your OH will insist on adding his 12k loan to it to make things 'fair', since he did have 40k in the house before you moved in. And there's not really any way he can do that without you paying it back as well.

And I'd imagine your mortgage will increase to get a new property? So your OH will be even more resentful and short of money, and will put even more pressure on you to combine finances.

Looking into my imaginary crystal ball, I could see the potential that he'll try and blackmail you and say the new house can only be 50/50 if everything is 50/50, since it won't be fair if he has to 'give' you his original equity but you don't have to 'give' him anything aka access to your wages.

@Bibidy in terms of putting the loan on the house I was thinking that maybe if I agree to that but we otherwise kept things as they are then perhaps that is a compromise. The loan is a big deal to him. I think he just wants to be free of debt. He should have cleared his credit card debt within a couple of months although I am worried it is the Xmas so will gifts go on the credit card?? If he does clear his credit card and then we agree to put the loan on the house maybe he will be happy with that.

Tbh I wouldn't be averse to adding the loan to the mortgage, as long as that still allows you to borrow the amount that you need for your new property, and that the house is owned 50/50.

@ NorthernSpirit
That's the very same way we’ve done it. The pre-nut also excludes inheritance. We also signed our wills separately, which I think is a key to sort out when you have a baby together.
The only thing that I’d like to add/ask is that my DH ex-wife (both child and spousal maintenance) can’t go after our joint assets (my account or join account), just his income (his account where the salary goes into).