Step families and finances

[AliceRR]

Interested to know how this works in other families where one partner has children and the other doesn’t.

My SH has two sons, 13 and 15. He pays 20% earnings to their mother as CSM.

We don’t currently have joint finances. We both work, earn a similar amount, and pay 50% towards all joint expenses (mortgage, bills, etc) which we pay into a joint account that the DDs go out of.

Although we earn similar (DH actually earns slightly more) he pays CSM and is paying off debts so he has a lot less money on a monthly basis but that’s largely as he is prioritising paying off debts. I have more disposable income.

DH thinks we should have a joint account. I have always resisted this as thinking I’m not ready and said that if I did I’d want to keep some money aside as I don’t want to pay towards CSM.

Anyone I have spoken to agrees CSM is his responsibility although when they are with us I share cost of everything and we pay 50:50 into the house.

What do you think? AIBU to feel like o lose out by sharing everything. We are a couple and things change over the years but sometimes I feel like I’m always the one who loses out...

This is maybe not just a step parent issue but that’s a large part of it.

@glenthebattleostrich Thank you. We just had another argument about money. It’s such a contentious issue.

I try to propose compromises or half way houses to a joint account eg joint money but then we each have the same disposable income each eg £500 or £100 but we’d both have the same. Then I think his CSM should come out of his share just as any other expense that are not joint would come out of mine but that doesn’t work for him either.

I honestly don't think he will agree to that. He seems to think you owe him for some reason.

I'd suggest a joint account for joint expenditure (bills, food, petrol, car payments, days out with the kids if you are feeling generous) with each of you paying an equal share into it. Discuss each bill and split it. Make him justify why he thinks you should pay for his children, his credit card bill.

When i was in a relationship we shared all our finances. I would look down on a partner who didn’t consider sharing finances, including child maintenance. All money into one account, all bills out, then what’s left (after child maintenance) we share. You are married, sharing your life together, why wouldn’t you want to help each other. You are going to have a baby, surely you are expecting him to support you. You need to blend more, you sound like your not really committed to this relationship and holding back

@glenthebattleostrich That’s pretty much what we do but he thinks unfair that I have more money and I can see the argument as I know some people see it that way but I really think HE is only advocating for a joint account because it suits him. He wouldn’t otherwise just like he wouldn’t just sign over half his house as he feels like that’s something he worked for.

@Help201602 Not sure why you think he would be supporting me when I have a baby. I don’t plan to give up work and my mat pay would cover my half of the bills even if statutory. Are you in a blended family too?

@Help201602 and if so is it you or your partner who has children from another relationship? I just asking out of interest as it seems generally that it’s the RP who has a partner who argues most strongly for this on MN although I appreciate some step parents agree with that approach

We both had a child each and then one together. I feel that pooling resources no matter how much each of us earns is a partnership. Same with my ex husband before. I was in a blended family for 9 years, it ended for different reasons (not money). I am in a relationship now, have been nearly two years, our finances are separate but we have separate homes. Eventually we will live together and pool finances.
I just assumed you would maybe need some financial support after having a baby. I also dropped to part time when I had a child so my income dropped, I found I didn’t want it I go back full time after all. Your life, just I would share my money with my partner after paying all bills to ensure we worked together to build and live our life

OP to be blunt I think he's taking the piss. Whichever way you look at it, he is trying to get access to a bigger share of household finances to spend on the things he wants to spend it on, at the detriment of you being able to focus on your financial priorities. Everything you have described is him deliberately benefiting financially from you, it's a total one way street. How would he feel if he had more disposable income and you decided you were entitled to a big chunk of that to spend on yourself or to support choices you'd made before you even knew each other. If you weren't around he would have to pay all of this on his own!!

But Help, would you join all resources if your husband was refusing to put you as joint owner on a house you pay in to? And had tricked you into paying all of the wedding costs when he’d originally said he’d pay half?

Sharing is all very well, but not when you have a partner who’s selfish with money and only wants to share what you have, not what they have in my opinion.

They are married, whether he puts her name on the mortgage or not, in the eyes of the law she has a claim on it now. If they were unmarried I would view it differently. Like I said, her life, she married him, I assume she trusts him. Everyone lives there lives differently, I know others that keep finances separate but just wasn’t for me

OP I think you may be being too 'nice.'

Stick to your guns - they are his children and they have a mother to pay for stuff for them too.

he asked to borrow £10 and then clarified no I mean I want you to give it to me not lend. He needed a train ticket so I didn’t feel I could say no you’re not having it without it being a big thing... I feel he would just keep taking and spending my money when I let him but he spends on his credit card if he feels like it. Not often but he does and it annoys me after he’s been making me pay for things all month on the basis he has no money!

This, this just cannot be right. He does seem to see you the way a teenager would treat a parent, expecting the parent to cover day to day expenses so they can splurge their own money . Added to his idea that he could give up work and be a SAHP, to avoid paying for his existing children...

oh dear, its really doesn't sound very good.

Working as a team does not have to mean a joint account. It means sharing things more equally.

One of you paying for a wedding as your contribution, but not getting your name on the house, that is not teamwork, that is more of the same as the train ticket story above: him using you to pay the bills while keeping his investment for himself.

@Help201602 you sound like your not really committed to this relationship and holding back

No comment about him keeping the house in his name only?

Its all very well saying that as you are married, in the event of a divorce, the house would be considered an asset if the marriage. While it is in his name only, there is nothing to stop him selling it, squirrelling away the proceeds and claiming that he has been renting all along. Come to think of it, how do you know that he really does own it?

"They are married, whether he puts her name on the mortgage or not, in the eyes of the law she has a claim on it now."

Actually that's not true until they have been married for quite some considerable time. In short marriages (i.e. under 5 years) you take away what you put in (with some adjustments if you have joint DC). This is where OP's been screwed over, because the money she's paid for the wedding won't be counted towards her contributing towards assets, whereas her DH's contribution to the house will as it's tangible.

OP the more you write the more I think you've chosen a bad'un.

Alice, I just want to reiterate that you need to stick to your guns here.

You are completely right in saying that your OH only wants joint anything when it suits him. The fact that he didn't pay his share for your wedding AND wants to keep the house in his name only attests to that.

Basically all he wants is to give himself a pay rise out of YOUR money. Do not give in.

Just to clarify he isn’t saying he won’t put my name on the house. He has told me to look into and as if he will agree to anything reasonable so maybe I should do that and if he then doesn’t go along with it then that will tell me even more!

The reason we didn’t just put house in joint names was DH thinks it would mean a new mortgage when current is v cheap (I may have said that) and he has suggested the best way might be some kind of transfer of equity or declaration but I am honestly not sure so need to look into it further.

We had been looking for a new house in which case it would be joint but I am not sure realistically when that would happen.

I suspect as it often is thst the issue is that of control on both sides. If you have more disposable income than him it means that he can't pay for things when you go out together and it must make him feel uncomfortable to see you paying every time same with having to ask you to borrow money.

The truth is that when he does this you then resent him for the fact that he doesn't pay or has to ask you money and he feels it hence him wanting to have the same amount of money so he could also feel in control.

As it is my OH has more disposable income than me BUT he never makes me feel inferior for paying for things. HE actually tells me that if I ever need money to ask him and he would be very happy to transfer some. I have never had to do that but I k ow tbzt I could without him judging me for it. There is an unspoken agreement that he pays for things for the house or going out etc... because we both know he has more disposable money and that's never an issue.

I really do think thst you can't have it both ways ie. Be left with more spare money but then resent him when you thrn have to pay for more joint things than he does.

‘Joint finances’ seems a red herring. Of course they are ideal but they aren’t on the table. The dh wants to move from manipulating op to spending more on food and bills to having total control of his and ops money. The thing about joint is the op could think he should be paying his debts off more slowly to keep some funds back each month to save for their child together, while he thinks once he has full access to the ops income he can pay the debts off as fast as he wants. There’s nothing joint about this approach.
If he is so deeply concerned about the equity in the house would he do 40/60 split or similar? Because I couldn’t make any moves to joint unless I had evidence he could keep a financial commitment that wasn’t one that solely benefited him. All the commitments to date have solely benefited him.

Then I think his CSM should come out of his share just as any other expense that are not joint would come out of mine but that doesn’t work for him either.
He's married you for your money OP -not love.....and you keep ignoring this despite him showing it over and over again.

He CHOOSES not to manage his finances in a more responsible manner - he'd have more money if he paid less on his debts and cut up the credit card!

I suspect as it often is thst the issue is that of control on both sides. If you have more disposable income than him it means that he can't pay for things when you go out together and it must make him feel uncomfortable to see you paying every time same with having to ask you to borrow money.

I would agree that there seems to be a bit of a power struggle going on.

BUT I also think that OP is wise to protect her interests as her OH is clearly irresponsible with money and sees it as her responsibility to provide more than him. If he is unhappy with the difference in their disposable income then instead of sulking that she is not handing her purse over to him, he should look at his own income and consider changing jobs? Both he and OP are professional people in a good line of work, and it's not like he's a resident parent with that schedule to consider.

He has commandeered her car, refused to pay for his share of the wedding, expects her to pay at least half of the expenses he has for his children, has allowed her to pay for half of the renovations to a house that she doesn't even have any rights to...the list goes on and on.

I believe if OP allows her OH unfiltered access to her money, all that will happen is he will continue to not take responsibility and will increase his spending, leaving her with little left over for herself and the new baby.

If he is so deeply concerned about the equity in the house would he do 40/60 split or similar? Because I couldn’t make any moves to joint unless I had evidence he could keep a financial commitment that wasn’t one that solely benefited him. All the commitments to date have solely benefited him.

Bang on. He's pretty much just asking OP for her money, for his own benefit. There is no plus side to this arrangement for her.

Tbh OP, I would be concerned about the set up for finances for when the baby arrives as I can see him leaving it all completely to you.

Since you do have a joint account now into which you both pay, I'd suggest increasing those contributions (from both of you) in the run up to the baby's arrival so that you have a little slush fund. Otherwise you're going to end up paying for every single thing the baby needs on your own.

@Bibidy Yes part of the reason I am now resisting paying much more than 50% is so that I do have money for things baby needs especially when I’m on mat leave and not earning as much as he might just not have the money to contribute. I should have more savings than I do but I am always paying extra for things and can’t build it up. Or DH asks me to pay for something and he will give me half later but it doesn’t work out when every month this gets added to.

I think I am just going to try to be more careful, say if I don’t agree with paying for something and anything I’m not happy with I’ll make a note (as we do write things down so we know how much to pay into joint account etc)

@swingofthings remember I moved into DH house and he previously paid for everything alone. I now share cost with him 50:50 and provide him with a car which he pays towards but not half. He should be able to keep up to 50% of the household expenses even if we each otherwise keep our own money.

So really there are two issues here, the control over money and the fact that he may be poor at managing it.

The wedding is frankly a bit odd. Why did you agree to pay it all happily? Is it because you're the one who wanted a lavish one whilst he would have been happy with just a trip to the registry office?

It sounds like you are happy to pay for things at the time but then seem to resent him for having done so.

If he doesn't manages his money properly, what does he spend it on that you believe is a waste? My ex was terrible with money and ended up in lots of debts which he kept from me. I was so grateful that we'd never shared our accounts, but we did have exactly the same disposable income each month, so the problem was definitely him fretting it away.

@swingofthings I didn’t agree to pay it. He was going to make a set contributio but he didn’t. He then said “well that can just be your buying half a share in the house” although he has previously never said he expected me to “buy” a half share.

There are not loads of things he spends money on that he shouldn’t. He is not lavish really. BUT there are times when he just doesn’t think and spends what he likes and I see his debts as being at least partly due to that. If he doesn’t want to spend his money he’ll say he doesn’t have it. If he does want to spend then he’ll put it on the credit card.

He says control is not an issue. He has said he is happy for me to decide how all the money is spent if we have a joint account but that doesn’t kind right somehow and I wouldn’t expect that to actually be the case.

I'm coming around your way. I would have been absurdly furious if my OH and I had agreed on what was paid for the wedding and he then announced that he couldn't. When did he come up with that fact and mire importantly why didn't he when clearly he thought he could?

Thinking about it seems to me like perhaps the best solution might be for you to keep separate accounts but try and have a discussion about how the main household expenses are split, so that if he genuinely feels he is significantly worse off each month, you maybe pay a bit more to give him a bit more spare. Tbh if it was me given everything you've described I'd probably tell him to shove it but I know that's much easier said than done when you're actually in the situation!

I would really really resist a joint account, I can see it causing huge problems for you, not just in the actual £££ itself, but you clearly have different attitudes to money which would become even more obvious and cause more problems and arguments when it's directly impacting you every month.