Step families and finances

[AliceRR]

Interested to know how this works in other families where one partner has children and the other doesn’t.

My SH has two sons, 13 and 15. He pays 20% earnings to their mother as CSM.

We don’t currently have joint finances. We both work, earn a similar amount, and pay 50% towards all joint expenses (mortgage, bills, etc) which we pay into a joint account that the DDs go out of.

Although we earn similar (DH actually earns slightly more) he pays CSM and is paying off debts so he has a lot less money on a monthly basis but that’s largely as he is prioritising paying off debts. I have more disposable income.

DH thinks we should have a joint account. I have always resisted this as thinking I’m not ready and said that if I did I’d want to keep some money aside as I don’t want to pay towards CSM.

Anyone I have spoken to agrees CSM is his responsibility although when they are with us I share cost of everything and we pay 50:50 into the house.

What do you think? AIBU to feel like o lose out by sharing everything. We are a couple and things change over the years but sometimes I feel like I’m always the one who loses out...

This is maybe not just a step parent issue but that’s a large part of it.

I paid for all of wedding and I pay for more than half of everything in our home.... said paying for the wedding is me “buying” half of the house.
Except it isn't - especially legally.
If you split you won't get his share of wedding costs back nor will you get half the house/equity.
You've also paid for improvements that increase the value and equity of his house.
Also remember - his dc will benefit/inherit from his estate....so your child will again lose out despite you contributing more.

He pays off a lot towards his debts (not the minimum, he prioritises paying as much as poss) and then let’s me pay everything for the rest of the month
He'd have more disposable cash if he paid a bit less towards his debts and stopped using the credit card....but he won't because you keep picking up the tab.

Her persuaded me that the right thing to do was for me to buy a new car as I could more easily afford it and then give him my car
Often we would end up using my car and petrol for anything we all did together as it was he nicer car and also I think so we’d use my petrol. Recently the green car broke down (February) and DH has insisted I share my car
So it wasn't enough that he got a free car, he then used yours to save himself petrol and maintenance costs....and is now commandeering yours to save himself even more money.
You lose out again - I planned to trade in next year but we are going to go over the mileage limited due to all his driving which means value will be less

He tells me he has less money as he has kids and I’m supposed to share everything with him
He makes sure it looks like he has less money - he pays minimum csm and maximum towards his personal debts.
He chooses not to manage his money appropriately so you're 'forced' to constantly picking up the tab for food, things for the house etc when he runs out of money.

he talks about being a SAHD all the time!....I don’t think he wants to be a SAHD to avoid paying CSM. I think he wants to avoid working!
Errrrm.....and the rest!
He's currently got you essentially paying for everything whilst his money is only spent on him and reluctantly on his dc csm.
As a SAHD he thinks he can avoid paying csm, avoid any other financial responsibilities and live the life of riley off your income.
In the event of a split he'd get main residency of your dc, csm, the house, a larger share of savings/assets and a claim on your pension.....and you lose out again.

Your husband is playing a clever long game and manipulating you....and you're too wrapped up in the illusion of love and a rosy future to fully comprehend this.

It's interesting reading everyone's opinions. Simplifying it down, I think a married couple's finances should be joint and money shouldn't be seen as mine or yours. If one partner earns more, does that mean the other should have less disposable? That's for people who aren't married. Once married you take on the good, the bad and the ugly. You should be looking at how to improve your finances as a whole and when looking at it as shared money/finances then helping him pay off his debts or the mortgage sooner would benefit you (as in you both) in the long run.

My dh earns twice what I earn and he treats me as an equal. I have equal access to all our money and I would feel really small and hurt if he thought I should struggle each month while he swam in it. Yes I get the better end of the deal but he doesn't care because he loves me. Simple.

I do see your point about savings for the kids and maybe you do need to work out a different amount of savings for child and dsc as they have savings from mum as well. Something like each child gets £100/month from their parent/s. So your dc would end up with £200/month and dsc would get £100/month which recognises they will get some from the other side.

"I think a married couple's finances should be joint and money shouldn't be seen as mine or yours."

Does that also extend to the step parent inheriting all of the assets in the event of the spouse's death, as they would in a traditional nuclear family with DCs?

I think it's naive (and unfair) to apply the norms and customs of first marriages to second marriages with step-children.

I totally missed this...

He bought me an expensive engagement ring but on credit card and then asked me to take a loan to refinance it which he would pay but I didn’t agree to that.

This is not a man to join finances with. Never

He and his Exwife should be 100% financially responsible for their children.

Does that also extend to the step parent inheriting all of the assets in the event of the spouse's death, as they would in a traditional nuclear family with DCs?
I don't get why it is any different whether it is a recomposed or traditional family. You get what you would get as a spouse regardless, or whatever your OH has left in their will.

@HeebieJeebies456 Why would he get house and main residency in event of split? You mean if he is a SAHD?

I think you're being selfish. His children aren't a suprise, you chose to be part of his family.

@swingofthings most children would be extremely upset if their parent left everything to their step parent in their will, you hear it all the time.

It irks him that I have more disposable income than him but that’s cause I haven’t had kids and he has

The other thing is he wants to be the stay at home dad

He's plotting his life around your money and I don't think this bodes well for your future relationship.

I wouldn't have paid towards anyone's mortgage without my name on the deeds either. Unless (possibly) my payments were going directly into mortgage account. Then again you're married anyway so...

When he's a stay at home dad who's going to pay for stuff his DCs need such as school uniform etc?

This man just sounds like he was after a cash cow.

& it's irrelevant that his ex is married to a millionaire - it's not for Mr Millionaire's money to pay towards your man's DCs. Which would actually be the case if she refused CSM.

Is your man thinking once he's a stay at home dad no CSM due - & also expecting Mr Millionaire to then sub his DCs? Or maybe for you to do it?

You're calculating ex's money..your H is calculating yours ...just doesn't sound good. I'd be wary in your shoes he sounds a bit of a bad bargain, although in some ways your stance on money in your relationship is odd.

You're right not to have a joint account with him. But I think there's an issue re the way you (both?) think of ex, and her lifestyle

@ACatsNoHelpWothThat that doesn't mean that he can't leave all his fortune to his wife if that's what he wants to do.

I’m not calculating ex’s money just thinking that he doesn’t expect kids to go without if he was a SAHD. Also ex partner is not a millionaire, ex’s mother partner is and they seem to pay for everything for ex like house, car etc.

I can see why DH thinks that kids would be fine if he wasn’t working as he thinks one of us might have to give up work. But as I have said I don’t think either of us will and I don’t really want him to. The reality is I think we will both need to keep working.

@swingofthings I know, just saying that when it does happen it causes all kinds of upset. In this particular case I doubt the DH will have anything to leave anyway apart from debts!

Step children are not baggage! That's so offensive

Alice, a good compromise re giving up work is you both work condensed hours and have 1 day per week off (so your full time hours over 4 days instead of 5).

That way your child is only in childcare 3 days per week of you both so it.

Yes I think working four days a week each would be good except DH’s current employer is unlikely to allow that so either he will have to work full time or find somewhere more flexible but that is easier said than done. I work for a national firm and they are a lot more accommodating in that way but the job I do is not one I could do in, say, 3 days a week (eg if DH worked FT and I worked three days) so we’ll just have to see

To be honest there is time to think about work arrangements and I believe my family would help.

This is just about general finances. We have some issues to work through!

Sorry, I meant primarily for nursery costs!

He is being rediculous suggesting you pay half his maintenance and debt.

DH and I have never had a joint account as I refuse to. (my parents have had so many rows about money). We pay bills proportional to our salaries and split the cost of child related stuff. He realises that he's very lucky I work from home so he hasn't had any impact career wise or childcare costs!

@glenthebattleostrich It is difficult as I do agree with others saying we should work as a team and share to some degree as there will probably be times where one of earns more than the other or whatever but I do think that generally it’s not fair that I should always put in so much more.

In terms of nursery costs I would expect us to share these but we will just have to see what happens. This was all an issue before pregnancy happened and I am really pleased to be having a baby (we both are) but obviously it’s morw financial pressure and more to think about

What do you spend you disposable income on? Because surely quite a bit of what married couples normally spend their disposable income on include things they do together, such as holidays, going out, things for the house etc... If you are indeed spending your disposable income on things that he benefits from, then it's not so bad, however, if it's a case of you going on week-ends away with your girlfriends, or joining a nice gym when he only gets to run outside, shopping on nice clothes when he struggles to buy a new coat, then yes, it would make you very selfish and not behaving as you would expect a married person to do.

I don’t go on holidays away. I go on more meals out but just cause that’s the nature of what I do with my friends whereas he sees them at their homes or at the pub and they have drinks. I probably spend slightly more on clothes and make up etc but not much and I often buy things for him if he needs it or pick up the tab when we go shopping etc.

I was thinking about the situation today and the reason I know things are not right is I don’t spend so much on myself any more as I was saving for the wedding and then spending money on the house in the last two years and also trying to save but j have barely been able to build any savings back up because I am paying over the odds.

In the last few days we got Chinese takwaway on Thursday and I paid. I was hungry in I’m pregnant and need to eat now kind of way. Friday we had lunch at Zizzi and I paid. It was after 12 week scan and DH has encouraged me to take afternoon off so we could have food and go shopping but then we argued about what to do and where to go so by the end I just needed to eat and knew I’d end up paying. I paid for all the stuff we bought for the house while we were out.
He left his wallet at home this morning so he asked to borrow £10 and then clarified no I mean I want you to give it to me not lend. He needed a train ticket so I didn’t feel I could say no you’re not having it without it being a big thing... I feel he would just keep taking and spending my money when I let him but he spends on his credit card if he feels like it. Not often but he does and it annoys me after he’s been making me pay for things all month on the basis he has no money!

I don't know if things have changed hugely since DH paid CM for his two daughters, but my income was most definitely taken in to consideration by CSA as part of his assessment. By having a joint home and finances, he had more disposable income for them to award to his exGF and children, by virtue of the household expenses being split between both of us (if he lived on his own his living expenses would have been higher iyswim).

When DSDs were coming to stay we did a food shop and both paid for it; I can't imagine that I would have begrudged contributing to feeding DSDs for a couple of days a fortnight. If we went out to do an activity, DH paid for all of us sometimes and I paid for all of us sometimes. When our DSs came along it was rare that we all went out together, but if we did then it was paid for from family money. I often resented exGF for being in a better position than us, but would have never thought to take it out on DSDs.

I won't be incongruous and say that I treat DSDs the same as DSs, but I have provided for them under my will and whenever they now come to stay (rarely; grown up and living a fair distance away), our home is their home and they can help themselves.

We've always had a joint account for household/shared stuff then separate accounts with personal spends in for our own use; would that work well for you OP? How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and DH had more disposable income than you and refused to go more than halfs on stuff for your child/ren?

@usernamealreadytaken My income is not considered as part of CSM calculation. I don’t think that is he done thing now for NRP.

As mentioned above I already pay for MORE THAN HALF of food and things we all do together (me, DH and his children).

What I am saying is I have to think of my child (DH’s ex won’t) and ensure it is provided for because having a joint account will mean more money for his children and his debts and no doubt a limited ability for me to save and provide things for my child. I know that’s how it will work based on how the finances are currently. If DH has access to my money I am not left with much.

@AliceRR sorry I must have missed where you paid more than 50% for food already; I thought everything was strictly 50/50.

It's good that CSA don't take NRP partner's income in to account any longer as this did mean his payments were higher, but as he earned more than me our net disposable was similar so a different situation to yours. Not sure how I would have felt in your situation.

I hope you come to an amicable agreement. Get the joint names on the house sorted out for your own protection and peace of mind, and good luck with your baby

@usernamealreadytaken Yes I just want an amicable agreement that we are both happy with. We are both being selfish in a way as we want something that suits each of us but we need to work more as a team and avoid resentments... Thank you 😊

See I don't think you are being selfish.

As you point out, your step children have 2 parents and a generous step parent (you pay for quite a lot for them from this thread). Your child has 2 parents, one of whom seems quite selfish, and that isn't you.

Working as a team does not have to mean a joint account. It means sharing things more equally. I mentioned mine and DHs set up because it means we actually discuss joint financial things more. For example, we are booking next year's holiday. The hotel is sorted without extra outlay, we just need flights. He wants budget, I prefer something a bit nicer! We are discussing our budgets and how this will impact spending money etc. In a couple of weeks, when all flights are released we will sit down together and book and whoever's account it comes from, the other will either send half over or stick the same amount on a currency card as spending money.

This would raise howls of protest from some, but it works for us. And has for 10 years. I think money is just about the only thing we don't argue about!

He needs to realise that some of his outlays are only his responsibility, some are joint and some are yours. You are not there to fund him.

And please make him sort his own car and get your name on the house.