Step families and finances

[AliceRR]

Interested to know how this works in other families where one partner has children and the other doesn’t.

My SH has two sons, 13 and 15. He pays 20% earnings to their mother as CSM.

We don’t currently have joint finances. We both work, earn a similar amount, and pay 50% towards all joint expenses (mortgage, bills, etc) which we pay into a joint account that the DDs go out of.

Although we earn similar (DH actually earns slightly more) he pays CSM and is paying off debts so he has a lot less money on a monthly basis but that’s largely as he is prioritising paying off debts. I have more disposable income.

DH thinks we should have a joint account. I have always resisted this as thinking I’m not ready and said that if I did I’d want to keep some money aside as I don’t want to pay towards CSM.

Anyone I have spoken to agrees CSM is his responsibility although when they are with us I share cost of everything and we pay 50:50 into the house.

What do you think? AIBU to feel like o lose out by sharing everything. We are a couple and things change over the years but sometimes I feel like I’m always the one who loses out...

This is maybe not just a step parent issue but that’s a large part of it.

Of course he wants a joint account, he'd be better off!

Don't get a joint account with him until his debts are paid off at least.

Are you married? It's not quite clear.

Looking at it completely unemotionally, what benefit is it to you to get joint accounts?

The benefit to him is very clear.

I’d stick with current arrangements as it works. Otherwise it will start cause you resentment as you will be the one who is worse off.

Do you have property together, children together?

We are married just over two years and live together in what was his house but I paid for our wedding an amount that is about half of the equity he had at the time plus I pay for half the mortgage and everything and since I moved in (two years ago when we got married) we have done the house up top to bottom (windows and doors, bathroom, kitchen, floors, carpet, painted ...) and shared the cost. So it’s not like I took half his house and everything is in his name anyway including mortgage as we never changed it but I pay half...

This is the thing. I see no benefit to me. He says we’ll “both” be better off but I’m not sure that’s true.

It irks him that I have more disposable income than him but that’s cause I haven’t had kids and he has. And I think it’s fair that I share cost everything with him otherwise eg he doesn’t pay more for food or house costs even though we were having the kids nearly every weekend at one stage and they had one of only two bedrooms.

We are wanting to move to somewhere bigger but we don’t seem to be able to agree how the finances should work so it’s fair.

I am 13 week’s pregnant also which of course means things will change finance wise but we don’t know how yet. This is his bargaining tool - he is suggesting I would benefit long term but it’s not like I plan to give up work. I plan to take one year mat leave (3 months full pay, three months half and then statutory) and then for us both to work.

The other thing is he wants to be the stay at home dad but that’s another story and don’t think it’s going to happen...

I wouldn't get a joint account in your case. You are already subsidizing his children when they are at yours.

We have a joint account where we put proportion of our earnings-60% or so- and all the joint bills, mortgage, food, DS nursery fees, DSs clothes etc go out of that. DH pays for expenses connected with his DD separately from his personal account. She lives with us though so no outgoing maintanance but when she didn't DH paid it from his personal account too.

We have exactly the same situation as you, OP! DH probably earns around £20k more than I do, but due to child maintenance, school fees, and previous debt, I am significantly better off in terms of disposable income on a cash flow basis.

We do however have a joint account, but for shared living costs e.g. mortgage payment and bills etc. We are very clear that child maintenance, school fees, his previous debt, big expenses with the kids e.g. holidays is not my responsibility, but I don't mind sharing other things 50/50 and do offer to treat them when I can.

@WhiteCat1704 Most people seem to do it your way and even my mum and MIL agree CSM is his responsibility. He sees it as us not being a team when I suggest that!

We even talked about having a joint account for the bulk of our money but then paying each of us a set amount as spending money. I ofc suggested CSM would have to come out of his money but he said no it should come out of joint! So we didn’t do that...

I have now said if we did go joint I might want, for example, an amount similar to CSM to go into an account for our child...

It’s difficult when you both feel strongly about it.

I think you're being extremely fair as it is paying 50% into bills, considering you earn less and you don't have children. He's being cheeky.

@user1487168313

Yes that does sound similar except he earns about £1K more! So we basically earn about the same.

It does sound like we have a similar set up!

Interesting you still have more disposable when he earns that much more but I suppose he has to give a % of his earnings and school fees are not cheap!

Luckily my DH doesn’t pay anything over and above CSM although I know many who do!

How much is his 20%?

Also I’d only do the joint thing once his debts were clear

Also ensure that he doesn’t intend to make large financial purchases towards his children

Hiw would he pay for his other 2 kids if he was a SAHD? He doesn’t sound very financially responsible, I’d keep things separate.

Luckily my DH doesn’t pay anything over and above CSM although I know many who do!

You might not feel so lucky if you and DH ever separated!

@Melliwgrantfiestlady It’s assessed at over £400 but I think they agreed he would pay exactly £400, so not a huge amount. He gets about £2.5K a month so it’s not a huge chuck. Then he pays off £300 for a loan he’s got and whatever he owes on his credit card at any given time.

He isn’t one to spend extravagantly on gifts or clothes or things for the kids but he does tend to want to do more when we have the kids (or rather only the younger on comes over these days) whereas he’ll often say there’s no money to eat out when it’s just us but then seems to want to go out when he has his son which does annoy me but I fan understand it. But it will annoy me more if I feel it’s my money he’s spending!

Plus as kids get older is he going to be want to contribute to things like a car or driving lessons for them? He doesn’t have his own money set aside for that.

OP you are right and he is wrong. You might be a team but the children are his and unless you adopt them not your financial responsibility. He is being unfair.

@Silentnighttwo

Yes exactly he wouldn’t be paying any CSM so his ex wouldn’t get any contribution from him. Call me selfish but I don’t care about that. He’s mother is married to a millionaire who basically gives her whatever she wants needs (house, did up he house, bought her a car, buys kids all sorts) so she doesn’t need the money but she would be annoyed at not getting it.

From my perspective I feel like I would be supporting me, him, any kids we have and his kids when they are with us. Only the youngest comes over so doesn’t cost a lot but he will probably have a bedroom in our house, food, DH will want to buy him gifts and take him out occasionally, petrol as they live in a different city and DH does all the driving, and it would all be coming out or my one income!

@Silentnighttwo No I wouldn’t feel lucky if DH and au separated (for a number of reasons!) but knowing his financial situation I would not expect any more than CSM especially since mine would be 3rd and possibly fourth children!

Ofc what is lucky for me is not necessarily lucky for his ex and vice versa...

@WhiteCat1704 Thank you.

Hopefully we can find a solution to avoid too much resentment on either side!

You need your name on the mortgage. And he needs to stop trying to get you to fund his life!

Your shared baby is your shared responsibility, his children are his as he'd have to support them whether or not you were in the picture.

DH earns a lot more than I do but pays a lot of maintenance, spousal and childcare so I have more disposable money than he does and pay for loads of stuff for the DC but it's entirely my choice and I never feel like he's taking the piss.

You ad he jointly need to fund your maternity leave. You can start saving for it now and you need to decide how it's going to work when you're on less pay, also how you'll split paying for nursery when you're back to work. I have a feeling him suggesting the joint account (where you massively subsidise his life) is more about his longer term plans to quit work and not your maternity leave. But either way, I don't like the idea that he might be entertaining that if you don't agree to share the costs of his child support now somehow it'll be entirely your responsibility to fund your baby down the line.

@AliceRR

Yes, he pays around 20% as child maintenance and both kids go private.

I would never agree the child maintenance to go out of joint. What world does he live in! Your income is not taken into account into the calculation = your income is out of the picture. He's being extremely rude even thinking about that...

It’s the cost of being married to someone with the ‘baggage’. My husband pays 50% of his salary for the 2 first children and we also cover the costs of seeing them (we live in another country - think 4 hrs by plane). I sold my flat which I bought pre-marriage so that we could afford to buy a family home. We also have a young child together. I also work full time while the exw ‘looks after the children’ (teens in our case). It does create resentment and makes me feel I am being used sometimes but it is what it is..

He’s mother is married to a millionaire who basically gives her whatever she wants needs (house, did up he house, bought her a car, buys kids all sorts) so she doesn’t need the money but she would be annoyed at not getting it

So you don’t expect to have to make a contribution towards his children but you do expect someone unrelated to make a contribution, as and when required?

Thanks ladies.

I worry that I am being unreasonable but I don’t think I am! I feel like he made sure I contributed to the house by paying for the wedding (which is not what we had agreed at the outset).

I don’t know whether he does it deliberately or he doesn’t realise that he asks a lot but I do think he would completely take advantage if allowed to do.

@AnneLovesGilbert He has been saying for ages that he doesn’t enjoy his job but he doesn’t seem to have a back up plan. I don’t want to make him do something he doesnr enjoy but he is 43 and we now have a baby on the way and I do feel like he sees that as his way out of work. To be honest I think we would struggle on one income although I’m sure people do it on less.

@Lifeissorich why does he pay 50% of his income??

@ohreallyohreallyoh I don’t expect to make a contribution to CSM but I do make a contribution to the kids every time we see them and have them over. I don’t expect anyone else to do anything and, if you read the post, you’ll see I’m not the one suggesting DH stops working!

@ohreallyohreallyoh when you think about it, ex and I would be in the same position - supporting our families on one income while their father doesn’t work! Except I’d also be supporting hers to some degree as well...

You both sound quite mean. It is your DHs responsibility to support his kids (along with their mum) not the millionaire's. If you want him to be a sahd you should share that responsibility, or he should come to an agreement to do more of the actual care of the kids, so he is hands on parenting all the kids.
I don't understand why anyone with dependent children would marry someone who doesn't love their kids. I know it happens but luckily it is outside my experience.

In their case that was the agreement post-divorce as my H is a high earner. Plus he is genuinely a good person and a great father. I believe the obligations to the first family is something that just needs to be accepted (as long as it is reasonable obviously).