Step families and finances

[AliceRR]

Interested to know how this works in other families where one partner has children and the other doesn’t.

My SH has two sons, 13 and 15. He pays 20% earnings to their mother as CSM.

We don’t currently have joint finances. We both work, earn a similar amount, and pay 50% towards all joint expenses (mortgage, bills, etc) which we pay into a joint account that the DDs go out of.

Although we earn similar (DH actually earns slightly more) he pays CSM and is paying off debts so he has a lot less money on a monthly basis but that’s largely as he is prioritising paying off debts. I have more disposable income.

DH thinks we should have a joint account. I have always resisted this as thinking I’m not ready and said that if I did I’d want to keep some money aside as I don’t want to pay towards CSM.

Anyone I have spoken to agrees CSM is his responsibility although when they are with us I share cost of everything and we pay 50:50 into the house.

What do you think? AIBU to feel like o lose out by sharing everything. We are a couple and things change over the years but sometimes I feel like I’m always the one who loses out...

This is maybe not just a step parent issue but that’s a large part of it.

I think 20% is not a lot so I think you are being slightly unreasonable. But I’d definitely concentrate on the mortgage, you need to have your name on it or do whatever is required to recognise your contribution. You don’t seem to be protected given your contribution.

I don't understand why anyone with dependent children would marry someone who doesn't love their kids

Where has OP said anything about love? She's talking about money and she already pays proportionally more than she should to the household costs which are much more because he has children and contributes to the additional spending when they're with her and their Dad.

She may not love them but that's completely irrelevant.

Get your name on that mortgage pronto!

@Love51 it's unreasonable to say OP is mean. She contributes to half of the family bills (including for the kids when they are with them). As you correctly mentioned, it's her OH's (and the exW's) responsibility to support their kids, not MIL, but it's also not OP's obligation. She also doesn't want her husband to be SAHD!

I think it's out of ordinary to ask the OP to contribute to the child maintenance. If I may point out, if her husband decides to become the SAHD, he has no income = no child maintenance = he needs to sort out that with exW rather than asking OP to step in! Don't use the moral high ground of so called "LOVE" to kidnap somebody's finances.

You DH sounds like a cocklodger in the making.

He doesn’t pay a penny more for extra food?

How are you going to financially support yourself and your dc whilst on mat leave? He sounds so stingy that he’s certainly not going to do it voluntarily.

And he wants to be a SAHD? Who’s going to pay CMS then?

I wouldn’t pay towards a mortgage for a house I was not joint owner of. Halves for all other bills but not the mortgage.

He sounds incredibly mean. And you know it on some level otherwise you wouldn’t be apprehensive about joining finances.

Luckily my DH doesn’t pay anything over and above CSM although I know many who do!

Ha! Lucky for YOU. Not his kids though...

No way would have a joint bank account with this man but then I probably wouldn't be having a child with him either. He sounds like a big greedy lazy baby himself.

@lifeissorich 20% is what he agreed with his ex. I’m not saying he should pay more or less, I just don’t think I should be responsible for it but I don’t dismiss the idea the DH could be right in saying that we are married etc and should share everything... Obviously I’m not comfortable with that idea hence I am here...

@fuzzywuzzy 🤣 Like I say, I don’t know whether it’s deliberate or this is what he thinks is fair but yes. I feel he takes advantage a bit. He doesn’t pay more for food and actually I have generally paid more as I “have more money” but recently I started saying no we need a fair way to do this as he will pay for a bit of food and then say he has no money and then I feel I’m paying for food for most of the month! I think he thinks there will be no CSM as he has no income. He seems conflicted about it as at times he has used that as a reason we would benefit from him being the one to give up work rather than me. Other times he has seemed to struggle slightly with that idea but not much as he talks about being a SAHD all the time!

When I am on mat leave there will be six months when I might not be able to contribute what I do now but then ou actual shared costs are not that much so I think we will manage. I could save for that period but only if our finances are separate as, I’d we merge finances, I will simply have less money! And the money will go on his debts and there will be nothing left aside as he has NO SAVINGS whatsoever.

Even I have barely any savings now as I paid for our wedding, then we both spent money on the house, and I am constantly picking up the tab for food, things for the house etc when he runs out of money.

In terms of mortgage and house, we are married and it is clear I have made significant financial contribution so I don’t think he can deny I have an interest in the house but we are talking about making that official.

Making it official will make you feel better.
I do know what you are talking about and of course his children should not be your financial responsibility. They have their own mother for that. You should not feel guilty about having a clear financial arrangement with him about what is fair and what is not. But you just need to accept his financial obligations or worrying about that will ruin your marriage (been there done that)

@Lifeissorich I know. It’s difficult and it is easy for resentment to build on both sides which is why I just want us to find a solution we are both content with.

Wow how can you be with someone and have a child with themwhen he’s so happy to come a sahd because he would be better off as he wouldn’t have to pay CM regardless if she’s got a wealthy husband those dc deserve better than a waste of space father. What good qualities does he really have op because he seems to work things so they suit him and not anyone else.

I think he thinks there will be no CSM as he has no income. He seems conflicted about it as at times he has used that as a reason we would benefit from him being the one to give up work rather than me. Other times he has seemed to struggle slightly with that idea but not much as he talks about being a SAHD all the time

What a scumbag.

Reading your post, I don't think you are mean but I think you are being very protective of your assets, and with good reason.

Your dh sounds like a freeloader. He wants to give up working because he doesn't enjoy, but he has three children to support! How would that ever work? How will he support the other two or will that be down to you as well?

I would be very very careful around this man, he is looking for every angle to work less and pay less and let everyone else take the strain.

He is a good dad and he does love his kids. For many years he had hem every weekend, did all the picking up and dropping off, and basically fought to have them when their mother was being difficult about it.

When it comes to money I don’t know where his head is at. He has this idea that he has always been on his own financially but it does sometimes seem like he relies on me a lot. He sometimes acts like I’m asking a lot for him to pay his share of things but he must be better off than when he lived in this house alone as I now share all bills and mortgage. I know we have spent a lot of money on the house the past two years but he was often the one who rushed this when we could have waited if he didn’t habe the money.

I think from his point of view he is a bit frustrated as he worked hard for the house he has and then I walked in and took half (in his mind) but actually I paid for my share of this house. He made sure he didn’t just give it to me.

The SAHD issue is a bit of a red herring as I don’t think we will do that (unless he loses his job or something which I hope won’t happen!) but it’s more the general split or finances. Obviously the fact I’m pregnant is relevant just because our circumstances and finances will change as a result.

"He is a good dad and he does love his kids."

Love doesn't pay the bills though does it.

You think it's out of order that you pay more for food, when his child visits with you, yet you think it's ok for the children's step father to finance them?

You sound petty and ridiculous.

I would never in a million years penny pinch with my husband. However, I'd never in a million years marry a man who wants to be a SAHD in order to avoid paying maintenance for his first two children.

You both sound awful.

I think there is misunderstanding. Ex has a boyfriend but not sure how serious, whether he lives there with them or whether he contributes to DH kids. I was saying ex’s mother gives her a lot as ex’s mother’s partner is a millionaire.

The point is her finances are none of my business. That’s not what I was here discussing. I haven’t encouraged DH to give up work. He probably won’t. I think the main reason he wants to is because he doesn’t like his job. It is not to avoid CSM.

@BasicUsername you are very judgey. Your unhelpful post proves that you are no picnic! 👍

he wouldn’t be paying any CSM so his ex wouldn’t get any contribution from him. Call me selfish but I don’t care about that.

Its not so much that you’re selfish; just incredibly reckless. To have a child and “possibly another” with someone so weak. He gives bare minimum support to his existing DC and is now even looking at ways of weaselling out of that. Hardly father of the year material.

Have you got a contingency plan for your DC in case anything happened to you/your earning ability? Keep your finances separate and build up a financial cushion for your DC.

@Silentnighttwo He doesn’t have the money to pay more than he does. He is already in debt and he doesn’t have enough money to get through the month without borrowing more. There are things in the background as to why he might feel like paying less to his ex would be acceptable but again I’m not here to discuss her finances.

But you are right I do need some cushion in place and that has been my point to DH. He tells me he has less money as he has kids and I’m supposed to share everything with him but then I worry my child loses our. If we split shared expenses 50:50 I can afford to save, buy things for myself, for baby... his way we pool all money together and more of it goes on his debt and maybe more on the mortgage but when baby comes he isn’t going to have any extra money for that. Hence he original problem.

I think we are not ready for complete joint finances and I know a lot of married couples who have kept their own accounts

Then he pays off £300 for a loan he’s got and whatever he owes on his credit card at any given time.

Is he also expecting the £300 to come out of the joint account every month?

Have you got a contingency plan for your DC in case anything happened to you/your earning ability? Keep your finances separate and build up a financial cushion for your DC.

YY to this ^. DH and I have separate current accounts and we each pay into a joint account to cover mortgage and bills.

DH earns more but I am much better at saving money and have 75% more savings than him. I don't see that as joint money because he has had the means to save the same amount but didn't. I may spend it on the house or whatever but ultimately it's my decision.

Definitely keep your finances separate. Your DH is already thinking about witholding CMS from his own children. Don't let him convince you into having joint finances or agreeing to him being SAHD.

^"He tells me he has less money as he has kids and I’m supposed to share everything with him."

What bollocks. If you split up within 5 years of marriage even the courts wouldn't make you share everything equally (you each take out what you put in after a short marriage). You have no legal say as to what happens regarding your DCSs therefore why should you be equally responsible for their upkeep at their own mother's house?

So you're married but you don't think it is fair that you should have the same disposable income? My OH was exactly in your situation. No children and earning a good wage. Then he met me and I came with two kids. We earn the same salary but I have a lot more outgoings, especially since I get no maintenance from their dad.

When we moved in, it was clear that the way we would work our finances would be on the basis that we would end up with the exact same disposable income at the end of the month. It was actually my OH suggestion even though it left him with less money then he was used to, but as he said he took me with everything that came with me but it was worth it.

Fine to have your attitude, but it goes both ways. At one point he will have paid his debt and his kids will be grown up. Maybe at this stage, you might want to work FT, or go back to studying. If that happens, I expect you'll be fine with the prospect of still having to pay 50% of the bills even if you are left with less disposable income because after all, that would be your choice.

Your dh still has a responsibility and just because he doesn’t like his job should mean he should quit it and become a sahd why not look for another job? Surely you can see this man is not a good father if he’s considering this? Regardless if his ex mothers partner is a millionaire it’s just not right and I don’t know how you can condone that but be so protective of you’re own income and assets. I’m surprised you would get married in the first place if that was the case. He sounds like a weasel though who would try and get out of everything.

Keep your finances separate. If you earn pretty much the same then 50/50 seems ok. Seems like he probably won't be able to fully support the household if you're not contributing your share though, so look at how that will affect maternity leave - will you have to go back early in order to start earning. I wouldn't do anything about the house. You can't just add your name, you'd need to reapply as a joint mortgage and I don't think more financial ties will help you. Marriage offers you some protection here. My DH and I split joint costs proportionately for the most part. He generally pays for his children and we share for our dd. He has residency so we don't pay any maintenance but if we did it would have to be funded by him rather than us jointly. Your DH just doesn't sound financially reliable.

Fuck knows why you two got married. You dont sound like you like each other, let alone love each other. All this quibbling about money and who owns what. Sounds like either one of you has already got a foot out the door.

swingofthings

But OP IS contributing 50% to the household. Even more than 50% because her OH is leaving her to buy most of the food, even though they're his kids.

If you had to pay £400 maintenance each month and £300 debt from joint account each month then I bet your DH would have thought twice about having joint finances with you.

Your situation and OP's are not really comparable.