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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How long a holiday would you be happy with?

80 replies

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 11:31

Just a question really to see if I’m unusual and unfair in my feelings or if others would also feel like this.

DSD12 does not usually come on holiday with us - entirely her choice. This year she would like to - fine. However dh wants to go for 3 weeks. I feel that’s too long as a. She’s not used to being away from home b. She’s a lovely girl but I’m only used to having her for a couple of days at a time and I feel it will be too much for me. I think 2 weeks is more than enough.

I just want to know if I’m a terrible stepparent for thinking 3 weeks is too long or if there are any others out there who think they would struggle with this too?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LunaTrap · 28/07/2018 12:57

I'd change it to 2 weeks, surprised your DH was initially planning to go away for 3 weeks without her though.

Wheelerdeeler · 28/07/2018 13:00

Don't be selfish. She hasn't been on holidays with you for 6 years and yo u begrudge her 3 weeks.

Do you have other children going?

She is 12. Well able to decide if 3 weeks is too long.

Cloudyapples · 28/07/2018 13:00

Does dsd usually liver with her mum? Ha her dm been asked about length of time she is happy for her dd to be away? She might not want her gone for three weeks.

Blondienut · 28/07/2018 13:07

@Longholiday sympathies here comes the hostile environment

takeittakeit · 28/07/2018 13:18

Basically -you are pissed off your 2 weeks in a villa child free has now become with child and would prefer that either she went back to old routine of not coming on holiday with you and definitely not 3 weeks that your DP wants - suggested by him not the child.

Blondienut · 28/07/2018 13:30

No I would say that basically OP is being honest in saying that she would struggle with 3 weeks with her dsd , she is being honest and many people agree with her. Her DH DS has not wanted to go away with them for past few years and it's great now that she wants to for all involved. However OP is struggling with the thought of how that is going to go- fair concern I think. She obviously wants it to go well and if we are all honest 3 weeks away with any teenager or preteen is challenging- your child or your step child. It can be hard to keep them entertained and happy without others their own age.

ThreeIsACharm · 28/07/2018 13:42

Have you asked dsd if she thinks she would be okay with 3 weeks?
Would her mum support 3 weeks?

Also I actually think it good you are being honest. It is better to have 2 fun weeks for that everyone enjoyed rather than 3 stressful weeks for all.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 28/07/2018 13:45

Does dsd stay with you at home for 3 weeks at a time?

IwantalltheDogs · 28/07/2018 13:53

Huge assumption there takeittakeit. OP doesn’t state she’s childless.

Also that she is happy with 2 weeks, but thinks 3 is too much. Nowhere can you deduct that means she doesn’t want DSD to go.

I would struggle with 3 weeks personally.

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 13:54

@takeittakeit umm no? I’m more than happy for her to come for 2 weeks. I think 3 weeks is too long for the reasons I’ve given.

Dsd thinks 3 weeks is ok. Her mum is unsure if it will be ok but not to the extent she will say no.

@Themythoffingerprints no, with the exception of the 2 week holiday 6 years ago she has never stayed for longer than a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 13:55

@blondienut thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 13:57

We do also have a child between us for those that have asked so no childfree holiday here whatever we do!

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 28/07/2018 13:59

I can guarantee you, at 12 years of age, by the end of the second week.....she'll be running for the airport. She'll be missing her mum, siblings (if any), her friends and her normality!
Tell your DH, that you're happy to go for two weeks, prob best at the beginning of school summer break, then towards the end, he can take her somewherelse for a week!
Everyone's a winner, she gets two hols, DH gets to spend more time with DD, and you get to spend me time during which, you can do whatever the hell you want!

Wdigin2this · 28/07/2018 14:00

Sorry, didn't se your last post. Well can't he take the 2 kids away for a week, leaving you to have a break?

LunaTrap · 28/07/2018 14:18

So you were initially going to go away for 3 weeks with just your joint child and your DH wouldn't see his DD at all for that time?

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 14:23

lunatrap I cannot see that it is relevant to the question I’m actually asking, but it would have fitted in with existing arrangements.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 28/07/2018 14:26

So at 12 years old she’s decided never to go on holiday with you (shouldn’t be her decision, she’s a child, she’s too young).

But now she’s decided she wants to go back n holiday for 3 weeks.

You need to take things slowly. 3 weeks is too long. Holidays are intense and I can’t see 3 weeks going well. I would start with a week and build up.

I have 2 DSC (1 a girl you DSD’s age). After a week with them all I feel like locking myself in a dark room!

LunaTrap · 28/07/2018 14:27

Well your OP is worded as if your DH just randomly suggested 3 weeks which posters have agreed sounds too long. But it makes sense actually if you had planned 3 weeks with your joint child why your DH would assume his daughter could just be added to the existing arrangements.

takeittakeit · 28/07/2018 16:01

I stand by what I said - bar the child free! What is the age gap.

You and your DP and child were going on holiday for 3 weeks and now DSD wants to come on holiday - you think it is too much!!!!!

You do not want her on your holiday.

Your DP had it right - both kids , same amount of time. If she ahs not been on holiday with you both for the last 6 yrs - then something has happened/ gone on to make her not want to go.

Crossroads18 · 28/07/2018 16:54

You are not being unreasonable. My partner has said after next year (as next year we are already booked to go away with just the two boys who live with us) he wants to occasionally take his girls with us but understands if it's abroad it would have to be in a couple years when we can save so we just don't get w holiday for a year (Not sure where the change of heart has come
From.) anyways originally he wanted us to plan to take them abroad for two weeks with us which I have said no because their first time away may be too much for them that long as the youngest can get upset being away from mum a few days but also too much for us all. The boys and girls
Together can be a complete handful and as the girls aren't that polite and behaviour I fear It ruining it for us all. And he has agreed. We have now decided to take them away for a week but going to do it in this country first so that we can always take them home if needed, and then depending on behaviour etc go away for two weeks abroad another year. But like you I don't know how I would
Cope and it's my holiday too. You are not being unreasonably you will be contributing too I am sure, and if you are feeling worried etc jr will ruin it for
You. Maybe you could suggest two weeks or you could stay for part of it? Would your partner talk to you openly about how your feeling? Xx

Snog · 28/07/2018 17:11

How about
week 1 just you and dh
week 2 all three of you
Week 3 just dh and dsd

swingofthings · 28/07/2018 17:11

What does your OH plan on doing for 3 weeks that would mean she isn't bored to death or dragged to little kids activities? It's a long time to entertain a child that age.

How about you go for 2 weeks and then he takes her somewhere for one? Saying that, has the villa been booked already? If so, can it be changed to 2 weeks anyway?

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 17:34

There would definitely be no problem keeping her entertained! But I do think she will find 3 weeks away from her Mum and friends hard going nonetheless.

It is all booked so would have to change flights and probably just leave the villa early. The cost of doing so is not an issue.

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 28/07/2018 17:51

It’s probably less about what is reasonable, as there isn’t any one answer imho over holidays.

However you are totally right to discuss this with your DH. There are some pluses and minuses:
You get to know DSD more, and your DH gets to spend a holiday with her for the first time in ages.
However you and DH will lose out on time together, it’ll be a bit bumpy all round as holidays are intense, and 3 weeks is a long time. You also might feel a bit pushed out.

If I were you, unless holiday is definitely booked, I’d suggest DH and DSD go away for a week or so, and you join them for a few days. Then later you and DH go away together.

Chewbecca · 28/07/2018 17:55

Will other children be there or is it just the 3 of you?
If it is just the 3 of you, I think 3 weeks will be awful. Without the opportunity to socialise with others, she may become very homesick.

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