How long a holiday would you be happy with?

[Longholiday]

Just a question really to see if I’m unusual and unfair in my feelings or if others would also feel like this.

DSD12 does not usually come on holiday with us - entirely her choice. This year she would like to - fine. However dh wants to go for 3 weeks. I feel that’s too long as a. She’s not used to being away from home b. She’s a lovely girl but I’m only used to having her for a couple of days at a time and I feel it will be too much for me. I think 2 weeks is more than enough.

I just want to know if I’m a terrible stepparent for thinking 3 weeks is too long or if there are any others out there who think they would struggle with this too?

There will be 4 of us - we have a 5 year old too.

At that age my DSD would have found it hard not to see her Mum for 3 weeks.

2 weeks was fine.

We were also in a situation where residency was pretty balanced and We'd been on loads of holidays as a family so not an EOW type situation or where holidays were "new", but regardless by the end of 2 weeks she really wanted to see her Mum at that age (despite regular Skype chats whenever she wanted).

Young teen is a difficult age and it would be awful if she was missing her Mum.

It would ruin the holiday for everyone.

Given you seem to have less contact and she's not been away from her mum for anywhere near that long I think 3 weeks could backfire if I'm honest.

If the travelling 'wouldn't work' to leave them there for a week.. then how about you go to the villa for two weeks all come home - then he has a week with his dd, taking advantage of the spectacular weather and he can show her some of her own country.. and you have some 121 time with your child.

I have to agree with Luna tbh there’s some undertones in your intinal op, the fact you couldn’t cope with her more than a couple of days, what would you do if heaven forbid something happened to her mother and she came and lived with you full time?

What is happening to the SM forum today - Crossroads - you take your joint DCS away but not his girls and when you do in a few years time - on your calculation that will be 4 years - you will try a week in the UK.

I am stunned at the utter hypocrisy currently being displayed by so many step parents. SEriously the step kids are second class citizens and treated like crap where monies are concerned and holidays.

shut up crosswords she completely treat those girls like shit

snapped I said I’m only USED to having her for a couple of days because that is the normal length of her stay with us.
Going from that to 3 weeks on holiday seems a rather big jump to me. It’s not really comparable to her coming to live with us because something happened to her Mum.

takeittakeit

We are going on holiday with our joint DC and leaving SD behind too...Don't want to pay x4 for holidays in school holidays dates so she is staying as collage is a priority.

She lives with us and we support her fully with no help from her mother (who has been recieving A LOT of maintanace for years, demanding all sorts of extra contributions etc. but when SD moved out of hers she has not paying anything AT ALL even though is wealthy).

I think fontof’s suggestion is a good one. Two week holiday together, then DH spends time with his DD at home. She can see her mother for a night or two when she’s back.

@takeittakeit if we went abroad we would need a good few years to save! However 2019 we are going abroad yes because my parents have paid, but we have agreed to go away 2020 with all the kids but it will be the U.K. otherwise if we went abroad we would have to wait until 2021 or 2022 with the cost for all of us, plus passports and the girls travel insurance. They won't be waiting 4 years. Sorry probably worded wrong. Xx

Everyone only has to look at crosswords previous threads and others under different names to know how appalling that step up. Don’t go trying to justify you’re actions on other threads

Whitecat - sorry that is irrelevant whether her mother contributes or not.

Your house your rules and because she is at school it is too expensive, so you leave her behind - poor girl/teenager what ever.

I am astounded as to how any of you justify this on the grounds of equality and reasonable behaviour.

Crossroads - less said by you the better.

Takeit I find it odd too,my ds goes on every family holiday with his df and his sm in the same way he goes away on holiday with me and my dh. Ds is part of two family units.

I think the question you are asking is perfectly reasonable. The difficulty arises because of the circumstances in which you are asking it.
You had a 3 week family holiday booked for you, DH and your dc. I presume dsd was invited? Out of the blue she accepted but you worry that 3 weeks is too long.
I think you may have valid point but changing the plan from 3 weeks to 2 weeks could be interpreted by dsd as saying you don't want her for the same length of time as you would have your own dc.

No one here can say if 3 weeks is too long for your dsd. Your OP title suggests there might be a consensus from sms about reasonable holiday time with sdc...

OP, I am completely with you. Going away for 3 weeks with your own children can be difficult enough, never mind with someone else’s who you don’t see very often. That is nothing to be ashamed of- in fact I think your concerns are completely normal. Be honest with your partner and if he loves you he will respect your feelings and you can both come to some sort of compromise. Good luck.

I think the whole issue of sc and holidays is complicated and utterly impossible to generalise about.
It depends entirely on the relationship between the sc and the nrp family (usually dad). There is a strongly held belief by some on this topic board - that sc MUST be treated in EXACTLY the same way as resident children regarding almost every aspect of their lives. I think that is completely unrealistic and impractical - and when we tried to employ that method - it was detrimental to resident children who have just as much right to a happy life.
There are so many factors that influence these issues. Money being the biggest practical obstacle. Followed by the nature of the relationship.
Money allows larger houses, own rooms that can be left empty between visits. Holidays abroad with multiple children in the most expensive time of the year. Lack of money (in the early years of our relationship) meant not going on holiday at all. Because we wanted to 'treat all kids the same' We just could never do it. 7 children going anywhere for a week - even camping, was not doable. (Despite the fact I could afford to take my Three and DH) However this came to a head after the year my Sc had had 2 Weeks in Sardinia with their Mother followed by Ten days in Turkey with Grandparents. We (DH/ me plus my 3 ) hadn't had a holiday for 3 years because of the 'principle' of sharing. A principle that actively disadvantaged MY children. So I put my foot down and booked a week in France for us.

We spoke to the dcs and explained that there was only so much money to go round and they had holidays abroad every year. Whilst their ssisters and brothers had none.
They completely understood.

As soon as we could afford it, we took them too. Which has been the situation for 7 years.

It also depends on relationship. Are the sc visitors who appear because they have to. ?(Mum wants space from them or dad has a court order) but given the choice, kids would rather stay home than spend EOW shuttling round the country to please parents - or are they an integral part of your family, with whom you are in constant contact with even when they aren't with you..?

Neither is 'wrong' - for many different reasons, the first type of relationship can just happen because of geography, infrequent visits, teenage dsc who aren't interested in visiting - along with the darker side of break ups like parental alienation and pure simple dislike of the step parent/ children.

All these set-ups influence the blended family relationship and that relationship is most profound between the Dsc and Step mother. None of this is set in stone and the nature of the relationship can change and evolve both negatively and positively.

My relationship with my Dsc has been very varied. In the early years they drove me potty as they were all terrible squabblers who lacked any sense of personal responsibility and were being coached into 'learned' helplessness by their DM. This played into Disney Dads narrative of them being incapable of so much as putting a plate in the dishwasher. - leading to conflict in our own relationship and my dread of them coming over EOW.

However - time has passed, I've got tougher, (with DH)!Court gave them the right to determine where they lived (huge parental alienation back story) and the eldest chose us.
So now it's all change again for the last few years with the two who live with us feeling nearly the same as my biological children. A much closer relationship.

So all in all. What I'm trying to say is that there are 'no rules ' that say Dsc HAVE to be treated the same. When it's possible, great - sometimes it's simply impossible and sometimes completely unrealistic.
And sometimes especially if the relationship isn't that close- as a step mother you simply don't want your step children in your face for three weeks. Especially if your DH is one of those who 'defaults' to letting you do all the cooking cleaning and laundry (because 'you are already doing it' - for your own !) ..

As a step mother you also have a right to have your feelings considered. It's NOT all about the kids. It's ALL about everyone.

All these set-ups influence the blended family relationship and that relationship is most profound between the Dsc and Step mother. None of this is set in stone and the nature of the relationship can change and evolve both negatively and positively.

All you have said is very wise @fontofnoknowledge it is not usually helpful to be either

• SM is being out of order DSCs should come on every holiday, SM has no say, no discussion

OR

• SM and DP should rarely if ever take DSCs away, if they do they must behave like angels.

I find society expects the first more often, and SMs are often in a position of not feeling able to raise concerns.

This was the case for me, DP always defensive, DSDs had first choice of everything. Me and DP had one holiday together without any of our kids and all his kids complained. We took all the kids away but it became everything the DSDs wanted, I couldn’t even talk to DP without a DSD squeezing in the middle, I was left with a bored toddler the whole time, and I’ll never do it again.

And yet I bought each DSD away with me for a weekend break one to one, without their sisters or DP. It was the best times I’ve ever had with them.

So it’s worth debating and discussing!

We have recently returned from 2 weeks away. My teen dsd who I had a good relationship with before the holiday has deteriorated somewhat. I have a very long thread with details! I was really looking forward to it as we get on great ordinarily and we were going somewhere very nice. Our holiday did not go well, so I think 3 weeks is too long, myself personally I will encourage my dh to take dsd away on their own next time. For me now 1 day is 1 too many!

@fontofnoknowledge - I just want to say that your last post is the most sensible thing I've seen written on this board in a very long time.
All Disney Dads & judgemental dms should take a read of it!
It's what I have been trying to explain to my dp for ages & he still can't get rid of the guilt or deal with his unrealistic expectations of both me & our situation.
So well said.

Your DH has two children. He wants to holiday with both of them and his DD wants to go. YABVU. Don't go if it's that much of a problem - would you leave your DC at home for three weeks?

Brilliant post @fontofnoknowlesge.

Especially liked your last paragraph about ‘it’s not all about the kids’. Completely agree.

Not sure where this ‘putting the kids first’ has come from? I certainly came from a family (i’m now in my 40’s) were kids didn’t come first. We weren’t taxied round. Our activities didn’t take presidence over the family. We were treated as equals.

We aren’t doing any favours teaching kids that they are superior to everyone else.

Everyone’s situation is different and you have to do what’s best for your set up.

My DSC are off 6 weeks now. They went away to France for a week with their dad. We’re taking them away for a week abroad on a beach holiday. They go away for a 2 week holiday with mum. 4 weeks abroad. Not too bad!

fontofknowledge - they may have said they understood but there will be resentment.

Yes they went on holiday with their Mum - not theirs or your problem.

what your statement said was - you are not part of this family and you are not the same as my DCS, my Dad pays for your DCS and not his own.

This is exactly what my eldest now 11 yr has said to his father in the last year - when he thinks about holidays. He has taken his DP and her children and their joint DCS on 8 holidays and his own DCs on none in the last 3 years and before that 2.

Please explain how that equates to anything like reasonable to a child?

Yes I do take them on holiday - they acknowledge, that but they also acknowledge that their father never takes them away.

( - not cheap holidays - think 3 DCS to Barbados, Thailand, USA - when he took his 2 DCS away aswell they got Centre Parcs for a weekend and 1 week in Greece!!)

@NorthernSpirit Snap again!

Totally agree about the putting kids first thing.

Obviously kids are very important and need to feel loved, etc.

However, every single person is important. We are all humans, we all have feelings and we all matter.

I also don't think it does kids any favours. Wonder if they will end up growing up with a superior sense of entitlement and selfishness.

takeittakeit ahem ! Unless you have been hiding in the cupboard under the stairs, then you can not possibly make a statement like 'there will be resentment '

As for assuming that their father pays ... sorry again, not the case. I earn slightly more than father and am entirely capable of taking my 3 on holiday. I can also afford to pay for DH (and want to - because I don't want to take my Annual holiday without my partner strange though it may seem) What I could t afford was to take an additional 4 sc. !
No, they didn't resent it. We all get on very well. The NR Dsc come and stay with me even when DH is away on business so I can't imagine they regard me with displeasure. In fact 3 years after this period of only being able to afford holidays with just my own children, his two eldest got so fucked off with the attempts at parental alienation they told the court they wanted to move in with us.. where they remain to this day.

There seems a wilful lack of ability to understand that if you don't have the financial capability to afford 'equality in all things' then you simply can't do them.
If there is insufficient money to take seven kids away and 4 have had 2 holidays and 3 have had none - then children also have to learn to be selfless and 'share' resources. Being a resident child shouldn't mean you have to 'give up' stuff because the non resident children can't have what you have (when they already have it with mum).
The material stuff is finitely resourced and if they all get roughly the same opportunities then it doesn't matter where it comes from. It does matter that one lot get all and the others nothing simply for the principle of 'fair'.
The stuff that really matters. The stuff that is important has no financial cost and is not a finite resource. Time, love, attention. Interest in school and life outside school. That is what step families need to ensure is divided up in equal measures.

font - then you have been very lucky and am pleased for you.
This is not about your resources, it is actually about their father.

If there can not be equality, on one household across the children on a luxury - not an essential, then maybe they all go without in that household.

Your comment about the children learning to be selfless and share resources - goes one way in so many blended families - the nrps go without and this is more the case around holidays than anything else. Why should the non resident child give up something in their blended family so the resident child can have something.

So often on this forum, in the blended house, the nrps compromise on space, time with their parent, access to weekend activities and holidays - that is an awful lot of self sacrifice for their parent and their new family.