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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How long a holiday would you be happy with?

80 replies

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 11:31

Just a question really to see if I’m unusual and unfair in my feelings or if others would also feel like this.

DSD12 does not usually come on holiday with us - entirely her choice. This year she would like to - fine. However dh wants to go for 3 weeks. I feel that’s too long as a. She’s not used to being away from home b. She’s a lovely girl but I’m only used to having her for a couple of days at a time and I feel it will be too much for me. I think 2 weeks is more than enough.

I just want to know if I’m a terrible stepparent for thinking 3 weeks is too long or if there are any others out there who think they would struggle with this too?

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Clairetree1 · 28/07/2018 11:37

well, its her holiday with her Dad, so YABU to put any time limit on it, although you don't have to stay with them the whole time, do you? plan to come home after 2 weeks if that is all you want, and leave them there

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 11:39

Erm it’s also my holiday!! Not just theirs!

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drspouse · 28/07/2018 11:40

Does she normally go on holiday with her DM for that long? If so she should be OK!

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 11:41

No, they usually only go for a week

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careerontrack · 28/07/2018 11:44

I think that the being away from home is a valid point, it might be too long for her if she isn’t used to spending so much time with her dad. On the other hand it might be great for her and your DH.

I think in terms of your feelings about 3 weeks, I think you will have to work out how to manage it. I accept it’s a long time for you but it’s an opportunity for you to really get to know her and if it’s too much then give your DH and his DD time alone and take some time to do things for yourself without them to get a break. She might make some friends on holiday too and give you both a bit of a breather but I don’t think that you can give The fact that it’s your holiday too as a reason if her dad wants her there for 3 weeks

juneau · 28/07/2018 11:47

Since you and your DH are the two adults here, who will presumably be paying for the holiday, I think you should decide between you how long you want to go away, assuming that DSD will be with you. If two weeks is your absolute limit, then tell him that. Then you can offer her the holiday and length of time away that you have decided and she can either come or not.

WhiteCat1704 · 28/07/2018 11:49

Hmm where would you go?

If its somewhere like Florida, long houl, the longer the better...otherwise yanbu..if it will be the first time all of you holidaying together I wouldn't want more than a week.

Oh and yes, it is your holiday too.
Maybe go for a week all together and suggest he takes her for a week separately too?

runningscare · 28/07/2018 11:49

I think 1 week is reasonable... 3 weeks would be to much!

user1493413286 · 28/07/2018 11:53

I think 3 weeks is too long! It’s her first holiday with you so I would be taking slow steps. Our first holiday with DSD was Monday to Friday; it was great but we were exhausted as being away is very different to being at home for a week where there are routines and space to yourself etc.
What does DSD think?

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 11:55

We have been on holiday with her before but she was 6 then so a very different age! And that was for 2 weeks and it was fine. Since then she went away with dh just the two of them one time, but we haven’t done a holiday with all of us for 6 years as she hasn’t wanted to come.

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Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 11:56

Dad thinks she’d been fine with 3 weeks. I think she’s underestimating how long it really is when you’re not used to being away!

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Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 11:57

Dsd not dad!

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checkm8 · 28/07/2018 11:58

I think take her for one week and then have one week just as a couple. Your relationship is important as well.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 28/07/2018 12:00

My teens and tweens are happy for about 10 days. After that they get major FOMO re their mates. YANBU anyway OP to worry about you and DSD being overexposed to each other.

Blondienut · 28/07/2018 12:06

I think 2 weeks is plenty. No matter how well a family gets on - holidays can be hard work. Better go for 2 weeks and really enjoy it then go for 3 and everyone get a bit irritable at the end. Mumsnet can be a very hostile place towards stepmums - but the reality is that parenting is challenging and so is step parenting and you need to find a compromise of something that works for everyone. Most families are lucky to get a two week holiday so I do think 3 weeks is excessive. And yes to having time as a couple too- if you have 3 weeks annual leave to take it would be nice if you could have a week alone as a couple. A lot of people are on the situation of divorce and Split families because they didn't invest time in each other as partners.

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 12:10

Our original plan was for 3 weeks. So basically now dsd wants to come and I would prefer to change it to 2 weeks and dh wants to keep it to 3.

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Blondienut · 28/07/2018 12:16

Have you tried talking to him about it and explaining how you feel? Saying how you really want this holiday to be a success and have put lots of thought into how to do that. Suggest maybe some activities they can go off and do just the 2 of them so they have quality one on one time. Maybe look up an activity you can do with her too. Just show him that you've put thought into it and ask him to consider it from all points of view. Don't get me wrong 3 weeks could work out fine but it is a long time....

swingofthings · 28/07/2018 12:16

Very much depends what sort of holiday it is but yes, 2 weeks with a teenager is probably long enough for any one.

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 12:19

blondienut we have spoken about it about it and he does understand and will change it if that’s what I really want but his preference would be the 3 weeks. I guess this thread is more for me to determine if I’m being unreasonable for feeling that 3 weeks is too long or if other people would find that amount of time with their stepchildren hard work too!!

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Blondienut · 28/07/2018 12:23

You are not being unreasonable at all in my opinion. I'm at stepmum of a few!

greenlynx · 28/07/2018 12:36

3 weeks sounds too long for me, 2 weeks is enough. 3 weeks holiday involve more planning and taking more things with you. Also I think it’s better to end up holiday still excited rather then fed up. Your main question is what she is going to do at the holiday, it’s a tricky age. Also she might need some personal space there was a thread just recently about a holiday with DSD, they had only one cabin at the cruise and it didn’t go well.

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 12:39

There will be plenty of space as we’re staying in a villa! I don’t think I could even do a week of all sharing the same room!!

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Childlessstepmum15 · 28/07/2018 12:43

I’d find three weeks impossible. I find the time we have them normally (5 out of 14 nights) bearable but any time over that they really start to get on my nerves. I’m probably going to get flamed but if most step mums were honest they’d say they struggle.

fontofnoknowledge · 28/07/2018 12:47

Absolutely agree that it's your holiday too. ! Only on MN are adults who are paying for a joint holiday expected to have their wishes completely disregarded in favour of children's wishes. Especially if that child is a step child. Completely unfair.

The family holiday for most people is a once a year deal and a major expense. I would be more than fucked off for it to have the potential for it to be stressful in anyway. If your dsd hasn't been away as a family with you both for six years, I think that potential has a real chance of being realised.

There may however be a chance for a compromise depending on how flights/accommodation has been booked (I'm guessing this isn't set in stone or you wouldn't be discussing changing the length of time right now). How about you go for two weeks and leave DH and DSD to it for the last week. Then save the money from you not being there for a cheaper, out of school holidays break for just you and DH ?

That way, if she gets tetchy, her father can be entirely responsible for the consequences?

Original poster

Longholiday · 28/07/2018 12:51

It seems like a good solution but unfortunately practically it would not work for us to travel at different times, so whatever we do it will have to be all together!

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