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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Oh dear our holiday is not going well

167 replies

QueenOfIce · 23/07/2018 01:52

Was getting on so well with dsd, she had really turned a corner and so dh and I booked a holiday of her choosing.

It's day 5 we have 5 to go and it's going to be the longest of my life. I don't understand why she's so rude or disrespectful to us. She is so very very entitled. Dh is doing his best and I won't step in but he's finding it hard too.

Thank goodness for wine! 🍇

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 23/07/2018 20:33

You've been given some fab advice, and have been so kind and patient. I wish my stepmother had been as understanding as you.
Hope you can all enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Coyoacan · 23/07/2018 21:01

Well done, OP, she is so lucky to have you as a step-mum.

My dd is still a bit like that as a mature woman. If something is bothering she becomes impossible for a few days until she finally tells me what's up.

Original poster
QueenOfIce · 23/07/2018 21:20

Dh and dsd have spent some time together, apparently she has apologised to him for being disrespectful. Really grateful for the advice most of it I always find it so useful to read all different perspectives from both parents and step parents.

I don't have my own kids so this is a minefield I can only go on my teenage years, god help us if she's anything like I was Grin

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/07/2018 22:00

They're an unpredictable bunch at the best of times and half the time they have no clue why they are being foul either! My 16 year old still get hangry - needs regular feeding or she is just vile (and rake thin)!

SleepWarrior · 23/07/2018 22:13

That sounds really positive, well done Wine

She's going to remember how caring you both were to her when she was rotten to you and that will mean a lot.

Obviously if she'd continued to be vile then that would be another matter, but she really responded to the kindness so you must have handled it well.

SandyY2K · 23/07/2018 22:52

If I was her dad is be saying she better enjoy this holiday...because until she gets her act together she's not going on any more.

The majority of 15 year olds are truly vile creatures

You must know some awful 15 year olds. I'm not sure if your generalizing or trying to make the OP feel better, but describing the majority of 15 year olds as vile is untrue.

swingofthings · 24/07/2018 06:44

My kids are all in all pleasant kids, especially DD, but the moment we are on holiday, they turn into these entitled, ungratefully, sulky kids and I have no idea why!! Most holidays since they've turned teenagers, I've told myself not again!!

I think what it is is that like us adults, they want the holiday to be stressful, and so doing what they want to do, how they want to do it. They want to break from doing as they should when told.

It is frustrating because I love going on holidays, and it is something I really want to share with them. This year, I'm going with one only and I think this will make the difference as even day activities on a one-to-one shows them in a very different light.

Good luck to you, hope the attitude gets better before the end of the holiday.

IwantalltheDogs · 24/07/2018 11:19

'get your drunken asses back here now' Shock

That (and everything else) is totally unacceptable. I also don't think you should wait till you get home to tell her she's out of line. Her dad should have firm words with her now. No need to spend the next 5 days seething.

swingofthings · 24/07/2018 17:51

'get your drunken asses back here now'
I expect this was said tongue in cheek, very much as they would have told their friends. That's the problem with teenagers, they struggle to find the right line between speaking a bit more like adults (something we might say ourselves jokingly to a friend), but not crossing the line as to be rude.

I would expect her to have been picked up on this, but no need to make a big deal out of it as I expect their response would be 'I was only joking, you don't need to take everything so seriously'.

ItchyBitchFace · 24/07/2018 19:19

I'm in awe of you for keeping your cool. I'd have lost it by now

Original poster
QueenOfIce · 24/07/2018 21:34

Little update, all is good she's having a good time and there is peace in the village. Please don't let this jinx me!

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenOfIce · 24/07/2018 23:55

And I spoke to soon...this time I'm not feeling like being a peacemaker so I've left dh to sort it out. It's exhausting, I want off this ride!

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 25/07/2018 00:10

You aren't alone. My dd was the exact same on holiday two weeks ago. I genuinely don't know what got in to her. Her behaviour changed drastically for the worst.

My sister in law who came with us was absolutely shocked. I gritted my teeth. One day after particularly bad behaviour she was made to stay in the room whilst we all went to the pool. Made absolutely no difference.

She's ruined every single holiday for the last four years, six of them. Every year we warn her if her behaviour doesn't improve she isn't coming the following year. This year was massively worse so she really isn't coming on our next one. It's completely unfair on our other two because she ruins it for them.

Original poster
QueenOfIce · 25/07/2018 00:59

Feel for you shesA it's horrible. I know that teenage brain is an actual thing but a massive part of me can't help thinking it's just an excuse and we're all just excusing shitty behaviour.

Why must we put up with teenagers who speak to you as if you're a bit of dirt or treat you as if you're hired help. I'm so sick of biting my tongue because it's so much easier than losing my rag!

That said after this evening if she's rude again I'm not staying quiet. This was meant to be my holiday too and it's just revolved entirely around dsd.

I am very very grumpy. Angry

OP posts:
swingofthings · 25/07/2018 06:30

The most incredible part is when they act like the holiday is the worse experience they've ever had at the time, but when they are back, they go and tell everyone what a great time they've had, seemingly having totally forgotten how miserable they acted the whole time!

Some kids worse behaviour come out when they are away from their comfort zone.

IwantalltheDogs · 25/07/2018 10:39

The most incredible part is when they act like the holiday is the worse experience they've ever had at the time, but when they are back, they go and tell everyone what a great time they've had, seemingly having totally forgotten how miserable they acted the whole time!

This happened to me. They still talk about the holiday and how much fun they had, and I'm just sat there catching flies thinking 'Did they go on another holiday that I don't know about, they can't possibly be talking about the same one?' I can't even look at photos of the holiday, they just look miserable and bored in every one.

Teafourtwo · 25/07/2018 12:39

Hang in there, OP. You've had a couple of better days just by asking if she was ok, so that was positive. I don't think any teens are balanced all the time, sometimes you just have to mutter FFS then take yourself away from it all.

Since you have already cleared the air, I think I would be pretty direct this time around. I'm not a step parent though so maybe better coming from you DH.

To mine I would be saying clearly but not emotionally that this behaviour is not ok. If there's a problem, let's talk about it so we sort it out. But whatever it is, it is just not ok to shout/speak to me and DSM like this. You need to apologise and find a better way to communicate with us so we can understand. We love you, we are always on your side (I say this a lot), but we will not be spoken to like that / put up with that behaviour etc.

I would not let mine interrupt while I said that, I would not threaten or discuss consequences at this stage either. In my house that is usually enough, it might take DD1 a while to think about it and calm down to apologise but usually then we can put it behind us and move on.

I don't know if that helps at all but if not, there's always Wine

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 25/07/2018 13:33

It’s the stifled feelings that kill us!

So I would start speaking up OP. I know it’s uncomfortable, but DSD is able to be bossy because you all let her. If you were an aunt or uncle would you let her treat you like that?

Original poster
QueenOfIce · 25/07/2018 14:50

I've had to leave them to it, I'll explode if I hadn't. I called her on her rudeness this morning my 'd'h tutted and sighed letting me know he felt my saying something was not, in his eyes warranted.

At this point I am doing nothing else for either of them. If dh wants to allow her crap behaviour time after time that's on him but I've had enough.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 25/07/2018 15:06

So you’re not just dealing with one teenaged toddler, but 2. How rude. I think your dh needs to hear some home truths. How dare he undermine you in this way. After everything you’ve done for his child. I’m not surprised you’ve had enough.

Original poster
QueenOfIce · 25/07/2018 15:39

I do feel undermined mummy I'm not the greatest step parent at times I'm out of my depth and I am acutely aware of saying something that could be detrimental to dsd in later years.

Something I have never done though is disagree with dh in front of dsd I will wait until she is at school or returned to her mums so there is no chance of her hearing. I am very vocal to dh about her treatment of others and I do often say that I understand it's a teenage thing (I don't understand it all apparently) so I don't appear to be singling her out as a horrible child.

I read so many posts on here so I know it's not just her but she is the only one I'm dealing with and it's very hard for me. I swing between really enjoying her company to fury at the way she speaks to us and especially treats dh (and her mum) but that's their issue and if they are happy to be treated like hired help I can't do anything about that.

We're sharing 1 room and and I think it's all just got on top of me. Hopefully all will get better!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 25/07/2018 16:10

Unfortunately it sounds as though you are the one, who has the most clue. It is a shame her father was not on board. You are right to o persist and not allow her to treat you poorly. She will be grateful to you one day. Children especially teens need boundaries to push against.

My dd is only 10 so we are actually just starting the pouty journey of petulance. With dh it works well because we do call eachother out when we don’t agree. We actually do it in front of her although I know many people don’t agree with doing this. However, we are still a united front although that may be hard to believe. Had my dh sighed and tutted disapproval at me I’d have no qualms in telling him in front of dd that I wasn’t impressed by his behaviour and I would expect him to do the same. Afterall neither of us are infallible. But I get you’ve got the added complexity of being stepmum, which is all too easily used as a stick to beat.

I hope you’ve managed to escape to a small space of tranquility. Maybe with a g&t or other suitable beverage.

SleepWarrior · 25/07/2018 16:36

Sharing a room sounds like a recipe for disaster - when do any of you get space for stress to diffuse a bit? No wonder you're fed up and she's rude Shock.

LaContessaDiPlump · 25/07/2018 18:16

@snowsun I just wanted to say that this really resonated with me; I've been thinking it every time I've spoken to my kids in the past 2 days, and it has sort of diffused my annoyance with dumb questions. So thank you Flowers

op - I have no useful advice to add, bit want to wish you good luck. I think you have been very patient!

LaContessaDiPlump · 25/07/2018 18:17

Argh, didn't add snowsun's wise words!

When she asks obvious questions just answer them. She is connecting with you. She is muddled so has lost how to do it normally. Just answer her. It's just a way of saying I'm here and you replying I know you're there.

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