Oh dear our holiday is not going well

[QueenOfIce]

Was getting on so well with dsd, she had really turned a corner and so dh and I booked a holiday of her choosing.

It's day 5 we have 5 to go and it's going to be the longest of my life. I don't understand why she's so rude or disrespectful to us. She is so very very entitled. Dh is doing his best and I won't step in but he's finding it hard too.

Thank goodness for wine! 🍇

Well firstly, yes she is at a difficult age and this holiday is right out of her comfort zone, BUT......none of this excuses such blatantly rude behaviour, and if it's not dealt with soon, then that's what you'll continue to get!
I agree with Colditz if she demands that you give her something/do something, with no please or thank you, you just ignore her, but her dad has to be on board with this as well, you both ignore her.
When she starts to protest/scream/cry, you tell her very firmly, that polite requests will be gladly responded to, but screaming, demanding and rudeness will be ignored henceforth!
I feel for you, good luck!

It sounds shit for everyone, the dynamics are weird for you all and she is uncomfortable and lashing out. Talk of coming home early or punishing when she gets home seems counterproductive to me - you want to try and enjoy the rest of the holiday as far as possible, not reinforce the difficult relationship or carry on the battle longer than necessary.

I think I am in the minority but I would handle things very differently. My DDs are 15 and 16, definitely not entitled although they have their moments. Not step children, but in your case I think that just makes it more important that you find a working dynamic and get to know each other rather than fighting all the time.

Questions like the towel and the tap - just answer them. Yes she could have checked for herself but she's in a new place and kids ask questions like that all the time. Use humour if you can (but not mocking her).

'Where do I hang my towel'? Why don't you use the hook on back of bathroom door?

'How does this tap work'? Just like home, pull up and water comes out. Left for cold, Right for hot...

'Open this bottle for me' - definitely use humour. "Your wish is my command, DSD". Then hand her opened bottle and remind her to say please next time.

The ruder comments... actually seem to me that she wants to be included a bit more.

'TV is shit'.. Don't react to the language - either agree it was shit as pp suggested or say it was not bad actually but since everyone's ready now let's get going - then switch off TV and head out as planned.

'Drunken arses' - is rude, but don't take personally. Try a totally different approach at the time (then DH could discuss calmly another time if he thinks necessary).

I would have replied 'Haha, not sure we can stagger up the stairs. If you want to come back we could play some cards (or whatever), otherwise we'll be up soon'.

Maybe it is a good idea for your DH to spend some one on one time with her, you'll get a break and she'll not be the third wheel (not saying you're treating her like that, just that she may feel it). And lots of for you!!

Good luck

OP - please take TeafourTwo's advice, rather than that of the poster who seems never to have tried to be nice to her orphaned step-daughter and unsurprisingly has never had a good relationship with her.
Also, SleepWarrior is right, especially about the Good luck, I hope the rest of the holiday goes better for all of you!

Teafortwo from the sound of things, the OP's situation has gone well beyond that approach, so it probably wouldn't work!
I once said to a person who spoke to me rudely, "If and when you can speak to me in a polite and respectful manner, I will gladly respond, however until then, I will not be hearing or seeing you!"
It worked in under 24 hours!

Thanks for the ears and advice! I won't be mocking her or making her feel like crap. We usually have a very good relationship. Dsd comes to me a lot for advice etc and we don't often have issues these days.

Both dh and his ex gf get on very well as do we and we share care 50/50 we all see each other a lot.

This is dsd holiday of a lifetime so we have worked hard to pay for this, no one is going home until it's time to.

Crux of the matter is that dsd mum is away with her partner and that's what's causing the issue. She's jealous. Her words.

I know teenage brain is real, I know about the hormones etc but I also don't understand why anyone needs to put up with out and out rudeness.

Like I say we normally have a good relationship and if she's out of line I could speak up but it's not my place she has parents. Today she's having time with dh and later I'm taking her for a 'mocktail' mine will have a crap load of gin in it and I'll have a chat with her. I'm really pissed off that we have spent as much as we have and she's treated us (though mostly dh) like absolute shit.

No gratitude whatsoever.

I second @Hatstand. As someone else who lost their mum as a child, I cannot believe he married you @Iamtryingtobenicehere You send like an awful human being.

QueenOfIce, this is the mistake you're making. You're expecting gratitude as standard. You're asking that she a) understands the concept of money b) understands the concept of work and c) is empathetic enough to link the two to understand that YOU have WORKED for your MONEY which you are now SPENDING on HER.

She will not do any of those things. Your expectations are too high.

Rewind 100 years, go back to reception level transition stroppiness, and deal with it on that level. "No, thank you" to the rudeness. Explicitly explaining the behaviour you want. Rewarding that behaviour when you see it.

You don't need to battle and argue and lay down the law like some posters have rather combatively suggested - just a quiet readjustment of her attitude will do.

PS it doesn't matter if she sulks and cries, as long as she complies in the end. Sulking and crying isn't defiance, it's part of accepting that she's not in charge.

The majority of 15 year olds are truly vile creatures.

No. They are not.
Some will behave in a vile manner if they know that there will not be any consequences.

What she doesn't yet know is that once we are at home he will be explaining to her how disappointed in her behaviour he is.
You honestly think she’s going to give a damn?

You need to start dealing with this appalling behaviour NOW. And if that means packing up and going home, so be it.
If that means cancelling doing something she wanted to do, so be it
If that means sitting inside reading your book until she has the courtesy to apologise, so be it

CoffeeOrSleep

She wants to put you in your place, and possibly provoke anger in you. So laugh instead and mock her tantrums, make your face not annoyed/angry, but clear you are struggling not to laugh at her.

Teenagers generally don't mind making you angry, but fear being seen as stupid/silly/babyish, so that's more likely to get her to change.

You and DH need a case of the giggles!

Ignore this advice. Completely. It will not solve the problem but it will cause a huge deterioration in your relationship

As said, she's doing this because she can, because she gets away with it, because she has not been set boundaries. So her parents need to accept responsibility for that.

So having a daughter myself, who also pushed a little, but not to this extent, I reallly would advise simply talking to her.

Don't play daft games of ignoring her till she's asks nicely, deal with it as adults. If she's rude, either diffuse it or tell her. Her dad needs to talk to her thus afternoon, make her feel wanted and reassured he loves her, but that her behaviour needs to improve and you're both looking forward to enjoying the rest of the holiday with her, set her boundaries, don't turn it into a war zone, and remain calm and firm.

The reality is this girl is a product of her upbringing. She is what her parents made her, so moving her in another direction, lovingly and firmly is important. Not being as childish as she is.

You're asking that she a) understands the concept of money b) understands the concept of work

She's nearly 15, not nearly 5! What 15yo doesn't understand the concept of money?! And that adults go to work to earn it?

DOes she understand how long OP has to work to afford the holiday? I seriously doubt it. I doubt very much she has atrue understanding of money as a form of transfer of labour

I didn't for a second suggest she can't count

It's very early morning here I've been sitting and thinking and when she's up I'm going to sit with her and ask her if she's ok. Simply that because I know dsd and I know she acts out when something isn't going right for her. Either she's had a fallout via social media or simply that her mum is having a good time without her.

I am certainly not going to berate her or give her a dressing down she's almost 15 she knows how to have a rational conversation (sometimes!)

This holiday is important for dh he has been wanting to do this for a long time so in the interests of having good relationships after this I'm not going to lose my temper. She went off to the teen club last night and I talked to dh and said I found her behaviour unacceptable and that she is a product of her upbringing so if he was unhappy with how she speaks or behaves that's on him and his ex.

It'll be good for dsd and dh to have some 1-1 today so I'll catch up with them after their snorkelling/swimming etc.

She does sound unhappy and as if she's (badly) trying to get your attention.

You sound like a lovely stepmum. I had a lovely stepmum and consider myself very lucky, although I didn't realise that at 15. Hopefully your DSD will realise how lucky she is one day.

My own daughter (early twenties now) is very sweet to me most of the time, so on the occasion round about once a month (she has an irregular cycle) that she is downright unpleasant to me, I ignore it and wait for her apology, which usually comes a day or so later, once her period has started. So don't dismiss teenage hormones as a possibility!
I hope your chat and all your day goes well for all of you today, OP.

I know all teenagers can be arses at times;but she sounds like an extreme case.
Why is your DH tiptoeing around her instead of putting her in her place?
Softly softly in the face of that rudeness clearly isn’t cutting it.

Good plan op

My daughter and I have an excellent relationship, but yes at that age she could sometimes push the boundaries a bit. The easy and lazy answer is put her in her place, nail her to the wall, punish her, send her home, ignore her, treat her just as badly. Sure it stops the behaviour, but it just breeds resentment,

In reality the mature way of dealing with it is to talk to her. Yes it's harder. Yes it takes more patience. And yes boundaries need to be put in place in a calm non accusatory non inflammatory manner. If she feels loved and secure, and she's a reasonable person as you say, then she will listen, and she may well also tell you what the problem is. And that would be a million times better than slamming her into place

Your last post made me well up. You sound absolutely lovely. I was a very hurt and confused child/teen. I wish I’d had someone, who actually cared about me and my feelings in the way you care about her. I hope you can get through to her.

I hope your chat goes well OP.

She may not show much gratitude for the holiday but in the longer term she will be grateful that you and her dad both stuck by her when she was struggling and lashing out.

Don't respond to these commands. I would simply tell her that you have rules of what healthy communication looks like, that you expect her to abide by those rules and if she doesn't then not only will you not engage with her but there will also be consequences when you return home. Then don't respond. Seriously don't. Act as though she does not exist.

If she barks a command 'open this bottle', act as though you didn't hear it, reiterate that you will only communicate if she is civil. if it continues, remove yourself. She texts you, shut it down, don't respond.
There was a study years ago that showed that brain patterns in teenagers, they were identical to patterns with toddlers going through the terrible 2's. The rules even with terrible 2's is minimal engagement. Same here. She will see any response as provocation.

The best thing you can do is take a step back, a deep breath, reiterate that you expect her to be civil, no more no less. And then walk away. Go for a walk/ swim/ shop and when with your DP, don't give this topic any airtime. Try and rescue as much of the holiday as you can.

If she manages to pop up and be nice, be super engaged and tell her you love her company and it's lovely to spend time with her.

Praise the positive, do not feed any oxygen to the negative.

Thanks so much for all the advice it was good for me to get different perspectives I can be a little short tempered where rudeness is concerned!

Anyway this morning she woke up and started shouting at dh for waking her up (it was 11am) I stepped in and said 'excuse me, are you ok?' She snapped at me 'yes' so I replied 'only you don't seem very happy and I'm wondering if something has happened, you've been really quite rude and disrespectful to your dad and I so I know something is up' she burst into tears said she was homesick and was sorry.

I have given her a big hug and said her mum hasn't forgotten her she too is on holiday having a nice time and she would be really sad to think missing her spoils the holiday that she so wanted to go on. We have 5 days left and then she can see her mum so why not enjoy herself and take lots of photos so she has some good memories. She also FaceTimed her mum.

Crisis averted..for now.

Well done for not catching the anger. That all sounds more positive. I’m surprised a 15 yo is missing her mum so much. Maybe she has some unresolved issues somewhere?

Sounds like progress, I wonder if the reality of the holiday didn't match the expectations- as in didn't realise she would miss her Mum and friends.

Well done OP
You e got this in the bag, Snowsun had some excellent advice earlier on the thread and this is along the lines of it, you are obviously a fab step mum

Op, if only it was always that easy.

Well done.