Oh dear our holiday is not going well

[QueenOfIce]

Was getting on so well with dsd, she had really turned a corner and so dh and I booked a holiday of her choosing.

It's day 5 we have 5 to go and it's going to be the longest of my life. I don't understand why she's so rude or disrespectful to us. She is so very very entitled. Dh is doing his best and I won't step in but he's finding it hard too.

Thank goodness for wine! 🍇

I disagree with sending her home. Why should the mother be Inconvenienced because the father can’t or won’t parent his child?

Your DH sounds like a wet doormat letting her talk to either of you like that. You really aren't doing her any favours. She's on a holiday you've arranged and paid for around her choice and she's being rude - whatever lesson do you think that is teaching her?

I chose my battles with my 3 when they were teenagers but by allowing this, you're saying her attitude and behaviour is OK. How can you respect your DH when he's letting this happen too?

Were off on holiday today with my 12 year old DSD, I’m dreading this kind of thing happening, she’s getting more and more stroppy with her Dad, doesn’t appear to dare to speak to me like shit yet but I’m sure it’s coming.
No real advice op, if it was me I’d probably leap on all rudeness and demand apologies but I’m aware that maybe that’s not the best approach if your DH won’t back it up, it just makes you look like an ogre.
Why is your DH waiting till he gets home to explain to dsd why her behaviour isn’t acceptable? Surely it’d be better to do it now and maybe try to salvage the second half of the holiday? Maybe explain that if she’s so u happy, she can go home? I doubt she wants that

You need to address it now, not when you're home. Why are you both so afraid of upsetting a 15 year old?

Ignore the rudeness. Pretend not to have heard anything she says rudely. “Open this bottle for me.” Ignore. Pretend she didn’t speak. She will challenge this, which will be your opportunity to tell her she speaks to you politely or you’re not responding.

This is excellent advice.

The teenage brattish behaviour can effectively treated the same way that a good parent deals with a toddler tantrum.

Maintain a calm, objective approach (even when you inwardly seething). Ignore provocative behaviour unless it is dangerous.

If it is dangerous deal with it as you were a professional whose job depends on being firm, objective and calm.

Dsd is pushing boundaries here and feeling more and more contempt towards you and her wimpy dad every time you let her get away with this shit. I have a fifteen year old; she’s wilful, stroppy, rude and quite hideous at times so I have to pick my battles. But if she ever behaved like your dsd, especially if she sent me a text that said, ‘get your asses up here now’ I would go full on nuclear with her. Her dad needs to get a grip on this situation. And if you do actually decide to threaten punishment fgs be prepared to carry it out otherwise you will look more foolish in her eyes.

Fact: most teens do not respect pushovers, whether parents or peers. Unconsciously they actually like to have discipline and forces to push against even though they will act like they don’t. I remember being one once and I despised anyone that couldn’t stand up to me!

Easier said than done but I'd try and not take it too personally. Similar situation when my sister was the same age. My dad always thought she was just being difficult with him. It became my job to talk them both down from an argument and point out to him that she was just as difficult with my Mum. Also she did come out the other side and is lovely now.

And I agree with the toddler tantrum theory above ^^. Firm, objective, calm, and totally no question that bad behaviour will have consequences.

She wants to put you in your place, and possibly provoke anger in you. So laugh instead and mock her tantrums, make your face not annoyed/angry, but clear you are struggling not to laugh at her.

Teenagers generally don't mind making you angry, but fear being seen as stupid/silly/babyish, so that's more likely to get her to change.

You and DH need a case of the giggles!

coffee Contempt is never the answer.

Awful behaviour, was she happy to go on holiday ? does she ever like you or see you as the home wrecker?
re text, I might have replied, "what ever for? you behaviour is appalling we are enjoying ourselves"
re TV, Yes you probably don't like it, but you weren't watching it. & it involves thinking
Ask her is she wants to go home. Don't get upset, say it cost a lot of money, you thought she would enjoy it. obviously not the case. so you will see if she can be sent home.

It sounds as if your dsd feels she and life is out of control. That’s why she is trying in her own way to exert some control the only way she knows how. She is screaming out for boundaries as Ionlylookatthepictures said. Teens need parenting just as much as little kids.

Your dh really is going her a disservice for not taking her to task especially after that rude text. Ignoring the problem isn’t going to make it go away and could well prevent her from moving past this age and into maturity and adulthood.

And please don’t mock her or laugh at her as coffee suggested. The idea isn’t to make her feel ridiculous. She probably feels ridiculous already as it sounds like her self esteem is through the floor.

She is 15, social media is probably full on in her life.

She lives with her mum who is possibly making comments about this holiday, making it awkward for her to relax and not feel bad she’s with her dad and not her mum.

Don’t leave any talking until you get back. Deal with it there and then if appropriate.

Bite your tongues as much as possible. She is most likely stroppy as that’s how they are with adults at this age, embarrassed, inadequate, lazy, tired, selfish.

Back to social media....everything she sees on there is likely to “look” more exciting than what she is doing, therefore this = bad mood.

Get her back to Earth, chat to the elderly with her present, visit an animal sanctuary, go litter picking on a beach or park! Play some board games! And take the focus off her, just act as if she isn’t around and see if she sharpens up a bit.

I do hope you will be making it clear that she will not be invited on any more holidays.

Tell her she will be punished when you get back home unless her attitude changes. A lot.

Don’t let her bad manners become the norm, if your DH doesn’t nip this in the bud, she will talk to both of you like she talks to her mum and that is not acceptable.

I do feel you pain op, I moved in with my now DH when his daughter was 12, as I said I would not move in once she hit those horrible teen years.sadly she was with us 100% as her mum had died a few years prior, we never did get on.

I’m sure there is something she wants or some place she’d like to visit, withhold until she apologises and bucks up her ideas and make it clear she will never holiday with you again. Also make sure she hears you tell her dad that you deserve a nicer holiday somewhere lovely asap for putting up with her disgusting and disrespectful behaviour.

I hope you and DH are not treating her, if you’re in a restaurant and she wants to order coke with her dinner, order her water and explain that she can act like a brat, but you can be an even bigger one. If she wants to spend another day at the beach, tell her you have no desire to spend a day at the beach so you’re all going off to the local museums, art gallery, photography exhibition, market, park or basically anywhere she will not want to go. When she kicks you ff, tell her it’s the same as the coke vs water scenario. Good girls get rewards, brats don’t. She’s well old enough to understand and behave.

Never take her away again.

Two things jumped out at me from your op. Firstly, dh and I booked a holiday of her choosing and secondly "She is so very very entitled.

This is the crux of the problem. She's 15 and the world is revolving around her and that will continue for as long as everyone is pandering to her.

But I'd be tempted to laugh at her and lighten it up a bit.

I think SleepWarrior's advice is good.

15 yr olds can be vile, but this behaviour is above and beyond that.

Personally, I wouldn't ignore a text saying "get your drunken asses back here now". That is totally unacceptable and her phone would be gone pretty swiftly if my DD texted me using that tone and language.

However, just by the very fact that she feels able to send you that text indicates she has perhaps been allowed to get away with this sort of thing for too long.

Having said that, you are half way through the holiday. All is not lost! I would be having a conversation with her together with your dh. Tell her how much you are disappointed in her behaviour and that she has overstepped the line. Tell her how much you wanted her to have a good time and what are her suggestions as to what you can all do together to make that happen?

Finally, I don't know your family circumstances, but could there there be some residual "loyalty" to her mum being displayed here (obviously displayed in an immature and deeply unhelpful way). Could she be feeling that she can't have a good time in case this "disrespects" her mum in some way?

Hope the next five days can be tolerable for you all at least. Your dh needs to step up here!

Why would you wait until she gets home to tell her how poor her behaviour is? It is now she is behaving this way. Tell her NOW.

Your DH needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

She can speak to you both politely or not at all. Ask her how she would feel if she was spoken to rudely.

As someone who lost a parent as a child, reading the advice from Iamtryingtobenicehere made my blood run cold. Your poor SD.

Sorry I don't have any advice for the OP but sending you lots of and !

Op, in my experience kids do this because they can. Causing an argument, sending her home, ignoring her isn't good advice, but your husband needs to quietly talk to her, explain that he expects politeness and how her behaviour makes him feel. The issue is the mum lets her away with it, and basically so does her father.

When both parents fail to set boundaries, this is what happens. Tell him to take her for a drink, ice cream or a walk and just explain to her he's finding her way of communicating difficult to accept, that it is important they all enjoy the holiday and are all polite to each other. Don't threaten, just set expectations, and see how she reacts and behaves going forward.

So you’re both ignoring boundaries and letting her get away with this? I agree with @Bezm, speak to her now, not when you get home, that’s so pointless.

At that age, as my DBro was too old to come on hols with us any longer, I was allowed to take a friend on holiday with me, which helped a lot. Otherwise, it's bound to get pretty tense with a 15yo and two parents, step or otherwise. Being stuck together in a three with the pressure to have fun plus teenage hormones is rarely gonna work out well, despite your best intentions. If at all possible, I'd try to laugh about it and tell her it's not your idea of fun either at this point, but you've all gotta make the best and get through it. Pretty sure my folks also let me and my mate have the odd malibu too, which no doubt also helped!

She sounds like a mouthy little cow.
Get your drunk arses home now ?

WOW . I can just imagine the response I would have got from my DPs .

Go off on your own for the day OP, leave them to it.

I've had stroppy 15 year old girls but she sounds like a whole new level!! How you've kept your cool I don't know!

Like hatstand am chilled by the nasty approach of tryingtobenice. OP please don't do the water vs coke thing etc. unless you want her to really hate you. Have boundaries of course, but no need to all be brats.