Oh dear our holiday is not going well

[QueenOfIce]

Was getting on so well with dsd, she had really turned a corner and so dh and I booked a holiday of her choosing.

It's day 5 we have 5 to go and it's going to be the longest of my life. I don't understand why she's so rude or disrespectful to us. She is so very very entitled. Dh is doing his best and I won't step in but he's finding it hard too.

Thank goodness for wine! 🍇

Oh gosh, that's worse than general teen moodiness or rudeness.

Umm, maybe a sit down and have a chat explaining how you'd both worked hard to have the money to spend on this holiday. You were very happy to spend that on her so that you could enjoy time with her, but if this is how she is going to chose to behave then she will need to pay for her share.

Then add that the holiday is far from ruined and you're more than happy to forget about the first bit and get stuck into a nice time if the rudeness is gone (because teenagers can feel like its not worth bothering if they've already messed up irredeemably).

You can’t put all the blame on your SD.
Yourself and your DH are both teaching her that obnoxious behaviour is acceptable.
You are both adults . It is perfectly ok to make it clear to her that nobody speaks to you like that.

He's stepping up but also not being too hard as he's aware she's missing her mum

No fifteen-year-old misses their mum while on holiday for a week, OP. Sorry, no advice, but this is definitely not her motivation.

You sound like a situation in my family, where the dsd was a rude entitled brat, the dad was too scared to tell her off (as she would go back to her DM and report that her dad was horrible to her and/or emotionally blackmail him by saying she would never see him again) and the DSM was treated like absolute shit and felt unable to say anything about it as not the mum.

I think as a PP suggested you both need to sit down with her and talk, I think I would threaten to end the holiday immeadiately and leave if her behaviour continued.

Please ignore above posted about giving her extra latitude In case it’s PMS

my younger DD (14) is going on holiday in a few weeks with her dad and stepmum - I would be really pissed off if she behaved like this. Even if the holiday is a bit crap / not what she expected (as it was the other year) I would still expect her to behave well and be polite.
I think you and your DH need to be having words with her about her attitude and behaviour.

15 year old girls will break your heart.

They live on their own planet. Population: 1

OP, can you pack up and come home?

Its what I would do. I dont even know if Id say why we were going home but if I did say something it would be along the lines of well, youre obviously not coping so its best we go.

And to be honest telling her when you get home, if you sit it out, that you're disappointed with her behaviour will mean nothing. It will be a case of - yeah, whatever.

You need to be doing something now.

Being in holiday with your parents can be kind of shit when you’re 15. I’m not saying she should speak to you like that but it’s not always fun being 15. Is it possible to find some fun stuff that she enjoys doing where you are?

The good thing is this is actually not your business OP.

I would be taking myself off for days out alone.

Give your boyfriend and his daughter the space that they clearly need.

And most teenagers are lovely.

But some of them have shit parents.

I think you've got a combo of teenage hormones and her trying to work out where she fits in the holiday dynamic with you. It all then comes out as rude defensive attitude.

When she says stuff is shit , agree with her.

That programme is shit - it probably is.

This meal is shit - I hate it when you order something and what you get isn't what you expected.

Agreeing normalises her feelings. Don't say it's good or there's nothing wrong with it etc as this is saying her feelings are wrong and confuses her more. Don't try to fix the problem she doesn't want that either. Like telling her she looks nice in something when she says she doesn't. Just say I hate it when I feel yuk in whatever I wear. It winds me up too.

When she asks obvious questions just answer them. She is connecting with you. She is muddled so has lost how to do it normally. Just answer her. It's just a way of saying I'm here and you replying I know you're there.

With the rude texts - ignore. But answer - we'll be up in a bit. Pick your battles. When the other bits are sorted they will stop. Again she is trying to connect. To say I'm here. She's doing it badly. But that's what it is.

She won't realise this is shying she's acting like this. All she will know is that she feels grumpy. She won't register that her grumpy feelings are because she's feeling out of sorts.

Teenage hormones make you feel anger, hatred and loathing to your carers. It's to make them become independent. Throw in a new family dynamic and it gets worse.

What 15 year olds say and come across as is weirdly different to how they think they sound and come across as to others.

So ‘take the top off this bottle’ may be meant to be grown up and assertive but is actually rude and demanding.

Can you talk to her like she did it by mistake?

‘Oh sweetie, just want to point out that while you probably meant that to sound clear and assertive, it just came over as a bit rude - I know you wouldn’t be rude on purpose.’

Which is quite untrue but gives her an out. She needs to feel like a good person getting it wrong not a bad person, specially with her dad.

Cross posted with snowsun who aid it better than me.

I wouldn't punish or any oc that. I'd sit her down and tell her that her behaviour is making you/ DH so upset you want to cry/ go home. Tell her how absolutely shit it makes you feel. Much much harder to ignore other people's feelings than ignore a telling off or punishment.

I'm guessing you've never parented teenagers (or any children?) before, and that your DH wasn't the primary care giver pre-divorce/your marriage but is now trying to make you three "a family"? It reads that way, anyway.

The situation is so common. Get over yourself. 15 year olds are almost all grim, yes they do still miss their parents (especially when on holiday with their non resident parents - my niece used to cry herself to sleep because she always felt like an addition to their couple with her dad/step mum rather than part of a family), they also do have incredibly erratic hormones, and they're on a desperate power trip to try and find some control as they tend to feel more grown up than they are (and than they are treated). Make sure your husband isn't punishing her for hurting your feelings and he's actually parenting her properly in the first place (I.e. giving her support!).

Agree with last three pps.

Sorry but I've had two 15 years olds and I would be reminding them that if they didn't pack in their crappy attitude they would be on the next plane home with their mother or GPS waiting at the airport. And remind them that at 15 they can fly solo and you would be staying there without her.

That should be her dad saying that though, not you.

I remember holiday with a family member when she spoke to her mother like this. After her df not believing how appalling her behaviour was, he got as far as packing their bags and ordering a taxi to the airport.
Next year, pay for NCS for her.

What is NCS?

Oh the citizenship thing

This brings back so many memories! We took my daughter to Canada on the holiday of a lifetime when she was 14. She behaved appallingly! We ended up ignoring her rudeness and stopped consulting her on what we did, such as where to eat etc.
As a teacher I've seen so many children behave like this because their parents don't challenge them. You're doing her no favours by ignoring it. However, don't react in anger. Sit her down. Tell her what she's doing right, then point out what she's not doing right. Swearing, trying to treat you as a servant, rudeness. Point out that there will be consequences if she continues such as loss of privileges, having to stay in her room, phone confiscated etc. Stick to it! Don't resort to sarcasm or get into an argument with her, that will just feed her poor behaviour even more. Don't reply to negative text messages, but make sure you keep them all! Be happy around her.

I have a 15yr old DS, yes par for the course, in my experience!

However, DH and I always correct him for speaking to us rudely. Only thing you can do really, don’t let it stress you out OP. Stick the holiday out and try to make the best of your hols.

Op, are you abroad? If not, I would be giving her the choice to go home as she is obviously not happy. Not acceptable to be rude to you both.

she knows this is a holiday and so in her eyes unpunishable.

Well, prove her wrong. Holidays don’t give some magic exemption from manners.

What she doesn't yet know is that once we are at home he will be explaining to her how disappointed in her behaviour he is.

Tell her now,not when it’s too late!

You're very brave to take a DSD/DSS on holiday, let alone one in the full throes of teenage angst/tantrums!

Don't get upset when she's not civil, let alone grateful or sociable - I think it's to be expected that there might be awkwardness at the very least, but definitely insist on manners and decent behaviour - she's trying to play mind games with daft demands like "open this bottle for me".

It sounds like she resents not being in a family with mum and dad, and is determined to ruin your time together. Be firm, and don't let her overstep boundaries of common decency and basic courtesy. If she continues to be rude and unpleasant and to make the holiday unpleasant for you and your DH, send her home - you don't owe her a holiday, and you're not obliged to let her waste your hard earned money and time together either. (Discuss this with your DH first though!)