Oh dear our holiday is not going well

[QueenOfIce]

Was getting on so well with dsd, she had really turned a corner and so dh and I booked a holiday of her choosing.

It's day 5 we have 5 to go and it's going to be the longest of my life. I don't understand why she's so rude or disrespectful to us. She is so very very entitled. Dh is doing his best and I won't step in but he's finding it hard too.

Thank goodness for wine! 🍇

Oh gosh, that's tough. How old is she? Kids can behave like beasts due to feeling unsettled or insecure or out of their comfort zone - could it be that if it's a first holiday all together? A corner had been tuned but this is a whole new context and feels wobbly for her?

Hopefully there will be some nice bits for you to all look back on?

Have some more wine

She's almost 15, has become so bossy started swearing at us. Won't try to help herself just says 'how does this tap work' 'open this bottle for me' 'where do I hang my towel' all these things are obvious but she won't even try to figure it out for herself.

It's exhausting. Never again!

Ignore the rudeness. Pretend not to have heard anything she says rudely. “Open this bottle for me.” Ignore. Pretend she didn’t speak. She will challenge this, which will be your opportunity to tell her she speaks to you politely or you’re not responding.

Ah, 15. It's often a hideous age in the best of circumstances, no wonder this is tricky for you all. The rules are: no matter what you do you don't win!

That said, if you treat her with the kindness and patience that her behaviour doesn't deserve then I bet she'll remember this holiday positively in years to come when she's moved in to a 'nice pleasant young adult' stage.

Hang in there!

And maybe DH and her can have some 1 on 1 time (aka you go and chill in peace and feel like you're actually on holiday)?

Last night she took herself off to bed so dh and I were finishing our drinks then following (upstairs not miles away) I got a text saying 'get your drunken asses back here now' I was drinking water dh had 1 pint. I don't know who she thinks she is but she really feels she rules us.

I don't say anything I seethe silently, dh challenges her then she gives him a mouthful and sulks. Feels like we're treading on eggshells

Actually you are doing her no favours by letting her get away with such rudeness. Your DH needs to parent her.

It sounds like she is afraid of doing things wrong and getting in trouble and resents it.

If you can talk about what she is afraid of it might help. Mind you it could make things worse if she is defensive about it.

The majority of 15 year olds are truly vile creatures. The experience in my social circle is that girls are far worse than boys. Alcohol helps (for parents, not the 15yo obviously).

Dh (whilst waiting for dsd) was watching a history programme on tv dsd says 'why are you watching this?' Dh replied because he found it interesting she then says 'well you can watch it but it's shit'

I am

She’s be grounded when we got home from holidays if she was mine.

I'd have replied to that text "Make me" but I'm immature and antagonistic!

Seriously, I know she's your DSD and DP is stepping in but you shouldn't let anyone speak to you like that. You are still an adult and a significant one in her life at that. There needs to be respect.
Challenge her attitude. Use sarcasm as a tool if it helps
"How does this tap work?"
"How do you think it works?"
"I dunno, that's why I'm asking you"
"Do I look like a plumber?"

"Open this bottle"
"I'm sorry?"
"Open this"
"Nope, sorry,"
"Fucks sake open this bottle"
"Nope, fucks sake isn't the magic word either, good effort but try again"

"Where do I hang my towel?"
"Where do you think?"
"I dunno, I'm asking you"
"Why not look around and see if you can see where we've hung ours. It's not hard and you're perfectly capable"

"You can watch it but it's shit"
"I wasn't asking your permission but thanks for it anyway. Go upstairs, you're no longer going out."

That sounds awful - I'm sorry you're having to go through that.

I don't have much advice. I have a 15yo and a 17yo and they don't speak like that. I don't think it's normal but I can imagine as a step parent it's really hard to know what to say or do.

Deep breaths. Five more days.

I do need to keep a lid on my brewing anger, dh was so happy to be going away with us both and he can see it's not going well and he feels awful. If I lose my temper it'll just get messy and he'll end up feeling worse.

He's stepping up but also not being too hard as he's aware she's missing her mum and doesn't want her to have an awful time. However it is time she was told her disrespect will not be tolerated.

Ahhhh  @QueenOfIce .

I remember it well.

Worst holiday of my life was with DSD ... she did not utter a single word to me all holiday. Completely blanked me out.

It was so upsetting, i had saved my hard earned cash to take DH and the 2 DSC away.

what a nightmare.

It's definitely a good idea not to lose your temper. But that doesn't mean you can't stand up for yourself. SpaceDinosaur's responses are good. Or the idea of just ignoring anything rude she says.

It sounds like she's trying to goad you so staying calm will annoy her more.

She's 15. Missing her mum is no excuse for behaving so awfully. I hope she improves a bit.

I think you both need to deal with this now before you, or your husband, lose your temper. This would make matters worse and make you look bad/worse in the eyes of DSD.

You say he is stepping up, but what exactly is he doing? I'm asking because it doesn't sound like her behaviour is improving.

Apart from missing her mother, is anything else bothering her?

She sounds like a peach and I don't think you ever have to wait to tell a person not to disrespect you.

She's always been a bit precious but since we have been on holiday she has taken it to another level.

Dh will tell her about her manners, her tone, her language he makes no bones about telling her what is and isn't acceptable but she knows this is a holiday and so in her eyes unpunishable.

What she doesn't yet know is that once we are at home he will be explaining to her how disappointed in her behaviour he is. She has always spoken to her mum like this and she puts up with it.

It's the constant bossiness, telling us what we should be doing and getting grumpy and sulky when her demands are not met.

is this a sudden change.
if so its the age where personalities become something off another planet!who are they and where the hell did they suddenly come from.
it doesn't last if you can be patient.really try to think as this not as an angry horrid child but as someone with raging emotions and hermoines that not even they understand.
those that don't come out the other side of this are those that act on the highly emotive feeling it brings.and say or do thing to each other that cant be taken back once calm.
she might not be able to see or feel it now but in the future she will remember this and you being a nice holiday because she will have found kindness and paitience from you.so much easier said than done and that's not to say you don't pull her up when shes being un acceptable. but try to keep your reactions rational.
believe it or not she needs your now more than ever.

This could be my late night/early morning grumpiness talking, but I'd be considering packing up and taking her home. This holiday doesn't sound like a holiday at all. She may think she is unpunishable because she's on holiday, but the entire things sounds like a punishment for you. Or you could be selfish and just do everything the way you want for the rest of the holiday because you're never going to please someone with that attitude, so why try. If you were to do this, I would tell her why.

I was thinking send her home too.

I actually fully agree that you should be patient with young people, but there is a difference between being patient and being a doormat. That doesn't mean I think you should be horrible towards her, but it does mean I think firm boundaries should be set, holiday or not. There is no reason for either of you to settle for being disrespected just because you are on holiday. Doing so will not help matters, it is not good for you and it isn't actually good for DSD to ever think this is acceptable. It sounds like the entire holiday is at risk of being ruined. If I am correct in thinking this, why would you wait until you are home before explaining to her you are disappointed in her behaviour? If you sit her down now, and attempt to sort things out, you could perhaps salvage the rest of the holiday.

"Missing her mother"? She's 15, not 5.

Put her in summer camp next time.

Well that would be the last time I'd be taking her on holiday with that attitude.
Fuck that.
Your DH needs to be firmer with her and point out that it's HIS rules now, especially since he's paying for her to be there.

I wouldn't pack up and go home, but I would put her rude arse on a plane back home. Stop blaming hormones and missing her mother. I'm sick of dealing with rude kids who have parents who make every excuse under the sun for not having manners.