Is it ok?

[Ellis85]

I'm feeling a bit lost, and I haven't been able to speak to anyone else about this.

I have no kids of my own, and have been with my partner for 20 months, who has two kids (6 and 9) from his marriage which ended three years ago. Their relationship is probably the most amicable I've ever seen, and they have 50/50 custody of the kids. I get along really well with the kids, and we spend a lot of time together.

9 has had some health problems this year, having been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, and during the course of that diagnosis, they found a hole in her heart. It's been a difficult time for 9, obviously, having to learn all things Type 1, it's been difficult for her mum, obviously, as she worries when 9 is with us, and it's difficult for my partner, who feels that he's completely unable to relax when the kids are with us, because we're constantly monitoring 9's diabetes, and it's often a battle of wills. I find it difficult to see my partner so stressed out, and it's weird now that his ex is in extremely regular contact, even more so than before, as she's continuously checking up on how 9 is.

Our relationship has definitely suffered as a result. My partner understands that it's difficult that his ex is in so much contact, but there's not really anything we can do about it - and he's reluctant to rock the boat.

This week, we found out that there was a short notice appointment for 9's surgery to repair the hole in her heart. My partner assumed that I'd want to be there, and I did, I made plans to work from a different office in the same town as the children's hospital, so that I'd be able to support my partner, and see 9 after work, once she'd had the surgery. It is keyhole surgery, and she should only be in hospital overnight.

However, my partner got a text when he hold his ex that I'd be going, saying that she'd 'prefer it to just be the three' of them. I was flummoxed, and didn't feel I had a right to argue the point, and it was left at that.

Yesterday, the three of them drove the couple of hours to the town the hospital is in, all three stayed over night in my partner's sister's house there and spent the night there, and all three are in the hospital now.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad. I'm incredibly hurt, I do genuinely understand that 9 needs to come first, but feel betrayed by my partner for not trying to stand up for me. I asked him how it made him feel, and he simply said that he felt uncomfortable having to tell me what his ex had asked. I'm also not sure how well I'm going to cope next time we hang out with his ex, which used to happen fairly regularly.

Has anyone got any perspective on this they are willing to share?

• helping a parent they are dating I meant

I think a lot of kids see mum and dad as their family even if they live in a different home (like grandparents, cousins etc). Their mum/dad will see new partner, kids and step kids as family (assuming that they live together)

There is nothing to suggest that mum is trying to be nasty or that she wants to get back together with her ex. Your partner has chosen you and now is not the time to be needy and jealous.

I have it incredible that people think that Dad and his partner should be the 2 adults by her bedside rather than mum and dad. It is refreshing to hear a story of teamwork between exes rather than step parents or grandparents trying to exert influence.

If the step parent who interferes in this situation as to dare to distance herself from the child or “family unit” there’d be hell to pay! Step mothers simply cannot win. Too much involvement and they’re interfering, not enough they’re cold heartless bitches! It’s a fucking shit job, all the crap of being with someone else’s child and none of the niceties of parenting!

Not at all weddingplanner being supportive doesn’t always mean being physically present.
OP can be supportive by giving her DP space and then talking to him when he calls/texts her and let him know she’s hoping it’s all ok etc.
Being there at the hospital or at the sister’s house isn’t being supportive if it’s not what the parents or child want, that’s shoehorning yourself into a situation no one asked you to be in

" And to the comment that they are no longer a family... OF COURSE THEY ARE! "

You may feel like that in your situation but it doesn't mean thats what everyone feels/thinks.
I do not look at my exh as family because he isnt.
My dh doesnt look at his exp as family because she isnt.
People are different as are their relationships with exs and they will always think and feel differently about things and thats ok I dont know why you have such a problem with that.

Step mothers simply cannot win
That is NOT a universal truth.
It is a difficult role but there are many step mothers who have a positive and successful role in complex blended families. I know some irl and there are plenty who post on here.
That's not to dismiss the challenges, but you are playing the victim card weddingplanning and that is unhelpful.

There are definitely stepmothers who "cannot win". There are definitely exs who "cannot win".

You have posted extensively about your situation and your feelings. They are not representative of all. And they bear no resemblance to the OP's situation.

I find your last post pretty insulting to stepparents Weddingplanning. The vast majority of the stepparents on this thread have demonstrated that they are perfectly capable of understanding when the right time to 'step back' is, and that they can be a supportive partner without making a 9 year old's heart surgery all about them.

If the step parent who interferes in this situation as to dare to distance herself from the child or “family unit” there’d be hell to pay

Except the OP’s concerns were all about her partner spending time with the ex. No concern expressed for the child. In fact,, she dismissed the surgery as an overnight thing.

If the step parent who interferes in this situation as to dare to distance herself from the child or “family unit” there’d be hell to pay

The mum, dad and his partner normally have a good relationship. OP should play the long game and let this one go for the sake of continuing a good long-term working relationship in the future. Remember the ex said she'd "prefer" OP not to come rather than kick off. As others said, there are other things that she can offer support with like looking after the sibling or letting extended family know any news.

I think the crux of it weddingplanning you have your own issues with your step dc and the ex and are projecting it onto this thread. OP isn’t a long term partner. I’ve been with my dh 8years and ex and his dw 8 years so that is a considerable amount of time. I can’t speak for ex dw but dh would most definitely be supportive for me in that situation but take a step back and he certainly wouldn’t think it was a slight on him.

am on standby if you need anything - a coffee, a sandwich or a hand-hold.

Nice thought...but not while she's too far away in an other city/town to get the coffee.

Ithink the OP has been scared off and won't be coming back...I'd like to be proven wrong though.

I posted earlier suggesting this may no longer be the relationship for you anymore.

You are insecure and worried about the amount of time they communicate since the health issues of DD9 have arisen. That's not going to change anytime soon... as any mother, post surgery she'll still be worried and anxious...plus the diabetes is still there. That's how most mothers would be.

She will continue to call when DD9 is with your BF/DP to check that she's okay.

Think long and hard if you can cope with a relationship where the Ex is in constant regular contact, due to their children.

Life isn't plain sailing..... you were okay till this illness arose... there may well be other difficult times ahead that require them to be together./communicate more often.

This 9 year old was having surgery and in all likelihood wanted the two people whose job it is to protect her with her. As much as you like her.. your own feelings and insecurities shone through here.

Sandy, fair point, but my sentiments remain the same. Get in touch with them and say you're willing to help out if needed, in any way.

OP, I hope you're ok. It isn't an easy job but it's very rewarding if you can strike the correct balance and sometimes that means being the bigger, most logical person.

If you're concerned and agonising about your partner and the ex being together with the possibility of something happening between them, then this isn't the relationship for you. You cannot keep a good relationship going with a stranglehold because you're worried about a partner's infidelity. It'll happen regardless of what you do or say. I know this may not be the case but you'd do yourself a massive favour by examining this situation in depth.

Crwban I understand the advice in your post and agree with the sentiment . But you say sometimes that means being the bigger, most logical person

OP does not need to be 'the bigger person' as exw is not behaving in either an immature or small minded way.

I am SM to 2DSDs. I have a close relationship with them and I have been on the scene for four years. If either DSDs were in this situation, I would not wish to or plan on being there. I would expect Mum and Dad to be there only. I would offer to look after the other DSD to free them both up to be there for the one in hospital. We have actually experienced this scenario a couple of years back but fortunately nothing serious just an overnight stay. If they were in hospital for a long period then I would of course visit.

I have my own daughter and in a stressful situation like that I would not want mt ex's new or longstanding partner to be there. And I would expect the mum of DSDs to feel the same towards me, its certainly not something to take personally or feel begrudged by them, its just a worried mum trying to be there for her child.

all the comments from you opinionated golden uteruses have left me gobsmacked.

Surely the ONLY question that should be asked is if the patient wants the OP to visit? And for that question to be asked without the mother attempting to influence the answer.

The partner staying overnight under the same roof as his ex wife seems very strange to me.

Opinionated golden uterus?! I'm not sure what to say, it sounds like you mean it to be offensive but it's more amusing than rude

I think anyone who wants to spend time quizzing a 9 yr old (facing surgery) about the practical arrangements of her hospital stay doesn't actually have their best interests at heart. Children are quite straightforward in that regards to be honest, all they want is their mum and dad there. That's it.

Surely the ONLY question that should be asked is if the patient wants the OP to visit?

Of course it isn't. The child is having keyhole surgery and will only be in overnight. If all goes well there will be no need for visitors because the child will be on her way .

Comments on here have been from parents, step parents and quite probably non parents alike. Whether or not one's uterus is golden is irrelevant. However, mine of course is

all the comments from you opinionated golden uteruses have left me gobsmacked

This comment says more about you as a person than anything else in this thread tbh.

Golden uterus?

You actually believe in a two visitors to a bed scenario, following heart surgery, the child’s mother should just busy herself doing something else so the OP can sit with her partner and the child?

trooperlooperdoSeriously are you that thick that you can’t comphered that a new partners place is not at a hospital with a child she’s known less than 2 years if that.

Surely the ONLY question that should be asked is if the patient wants the OP to visit?
This statement reflects perfectly the self-centered attitude that is often critised of the step-parent.

Any 9yo kid is likely to be frightened, wanting to know if they are going to be in pain, whether someone will be there for them, will they definitely wake up, will they be able to take their cuddly toy with them etc... What they are not going to be focusing their mind on is whether their step-mum, grand-mother, grand-father, cousins, best friend are going to be there.

And no, that's not the only thing that should be considered for practical reasons to, and the fact that it is highly unlikely that a hospital would be happy to make space for three adults in the cubicles, all fussing, asking questions because they all feel they are highly important in the life of the child. As a matter of fact, they probably would much rather than there were only one parent but know they can't make that demand. Beyond that though is only going to make their job more difficult.

How a SP can't understand this is beyond me but as a matter of fact, it is greatly reassuring to read that most SMs here do totally get it and it is only a few exceptions, those who really seem to have issues with their own insecurities.

One thing that really attracted me to my OH is the fact that he never, not once even at the start of our relationship expressed any insecurities in terms of my relationship with my ex. The trust he put in me made me feel very special and respected.

when my own son was in HDU, his father came to visit bringing his girlfriend of 18 months or so with him (the woman he left me for) although she sat in the car outside

As much as I wanted to scratch the bitches eyes out with a monitor, my son liked her, so I made myself scarce for 20 minutes so she could say hi...........................then the pair of them fucked off to portugal for a week.

The last person in the world i wanted near my son was her (the 2nd last person I wanted near hinm was his father) but claiming golden uterus and throwing a tantrum about it was not about to benefit my son.

if morre parents put their child's needs first rather than some over inflated sense of neeeding to get one over on their ex OH's or their exOH's new OH, there would be far fewer screwed up kids and EVERYBODY would be happier in the long run.

As for quizzing the child.....ohreallrohreallyoh, ffs get a grip! a quick "Elis is just outside, do you fancy a quick hello or would you rather sleep" not the spanish inqisition. If the child wants to say hi then the mother sucks it up, if the child doesnt want to, then the father sucks it up and there's NO REPERCUSSIONS from ANYONE.

Your exOH having a new partner that likes the child and cares for the childand likes to be involved with the child is certainly not the norm and is to be applauded, a child cannt have too many people on their side.

Frequently the child gets turned into a minaturised weapon by their mother, trained to hate daddy and daddy's girlfriend and as a result is impossible to like or live with.

As for quizzing the child.....ohreallrohreallyoh, ffs get a grip!

Errmmm....when did I say anything about quizzing a child?

That was me @trooperlooperdo and it's an expression, you know, like golden uterus .

my apologies ohreallyohreallyoh, it wasnt you that said that :(